Thatkidsam.muffin/red vortex

READ AT YOUR OWN RISK! MAY BE VERY BORING.

Overview

Thatkidsam E-Mail #59

Part #5 in Finding Stinko

Thatkidsam is teleported to the Red Vortex Flagship and must find a way to defeat the entire Pan Clan single-handedly.

Cast (in order of appearance): Thatkidsam, ThatkidSamus, Red Vortex, Pan Clan, Demonic Angel Thing

Places: Computer Camp, Red Vortex Flagship, Pan Clan Flagship

Computer: Gameslayer

Date: August 10th, 2005

Lines: 190

Transcript

{Soft music plays as the camera zooms in on Thatkidsam, who is sleeping in a bed at camp. He wakes up and yawns.}

THATKIDSAM: Aaah, that was a restful sleep.

{After a few seconds, the music stops and the camera zooms out to show that the entire room is glitched by the hole in space-time, and a familiar swarm of green particles enters the room.}

THATKIDSAM: CRAP!!! {Gets enveloped by the green particles and, in a green flash, disappears.}

{Cut to the Red Vortex Flagship, where ThatkidSamus is on one of the ship computers. In a green flash, Thatkidsam falls into the center of the room.}

THATKIDSAMUS: What the crap!? Who are you? You look like... You're Thatkidsam. What are you doing here?

THATKIDSAM: WHERE THE CRAP AM I!!??!?!?

THATKIDSAMUS: Ugh... Grampa, stop screaming and I'll tell you all about it.

{The screen turns black for a few seconds and displays the message "A few hours of re-telling the plot so far in a gravity-less room later...", then fades back in to the computer room.}

THATKIDSAM: I knew Pan-Pan was evil!

THATKIDSAMUS: It isn't freakin' Pan-Pan! It's just 'cause the leader's name is Ponnel de Pan!

THATKIDSAM: You mean, Panel de Pon?

THATKIDSAMUS: No, Ponnel de Pan. Stop playing those awful Japanese puzzle games!

THATKIDSAM: Did you just insult the awesomeness of Panel de Pon?

THATKIDSAMUS: Yeah. {The camera zooms in on his face} Tetris Attack and Panel de Pon suck!

THATKIDSAM: It's time for some PWNAGE!!

{Everything freezes. Thatkidsam's eyes glow red and the word "pwnage" flashes across the screen. He raises his daggers and jumps at ThatkidSamus.}

THATKIDSAM: HAAA!!!

THATKIDSAMUS: Heh.

{Thatkidsam freezes and ThatkidSamus moves. His hands grow red and the word "pwnage" flashes across the screen. He fires a plasma blast at Thatkidsam, who flies against the wall. Time returns to normal again.}

THATKIDSAM: Why the crap did you do that!?

THATKIDSAMUS: You know, normal people don't suddenly attack their relatives.

THATKIDSAM: Well, Strong Bad and Strong Sad aren't exactly the best friends!

THATKIDSAMUS: Defending yourself is rather important. You should know that, being an assassin and everything.

THATKIDSAM: I'm not an assassin!

THATKIDSAMUS: Then, what's with the assassin garb?

THATKIDSAM: Why don't you go read my blog?

{Both smile as a huge link to The Many Words of Thatkidsam appears on the top of the screen. They stop when Sheikra and two soldiers burst into the room. Thatkidsam looks around and grabs the link, crumples it and hides it behind his back.}

SHEIKRA: Okay, you two identical people. Buckle down while the ship transforms to allow the Time-Execution Cannon to fire.

THATKIDSAMUS: But... Can I at least check an email? If I can't check it, this entire plotline will be transformed into a... A TOON!!

THATKIDSAM: {Gasp} That's horrible! All of the toons there are awful, and nobody looks at them!

SHEIKRA: Okay, fine. But you'll have to make up for it by having one of you going in and defeating the entire Pan Clan if we miss.

THATKIDSAMUS: It doesn't matter... The kid here will do it. {Pokes Thatkidsam rather hard}

THATKIDSAM: What!?

THATKIDSAMUS: I told you you need to learn how to defend yourself.

THATKIDSAM: But couldn't I... Couldn't I have some soldiers with me?

SOLDIER #1: Oh, we aren't soldiers. We're actually scientists working for the company SOLDIER.

THATKIDSAM: But... That's a mercenary group from that awful Final Fantasy 7.

SOLDIER #2: {Whispering} They've found us out! WE'RE DOOMED BECUASE OF YOU!!

SOLDIER #1: {Whispering} It's not my fault! It's Sheikra's fault for letting that hole in space-time transport the video game world into the real one!

THATKIDSAM: Ugh... I guess I'm not getting any help from you guys. Go... Go star in that crappy PSP movie.

SOLDIERS: Can do! {Leaves}

{Cut to a loading screen.}

THATKIDSAMUS: Checkin' all the email on the Vortex computer, uh, I can't think of anything that rhymes with computer! Ooh, that!

Thatkidsamus.
Can you help me?
I found out my girlfriend's an angel!
How should I react?
These things happen to other earth people.
They don't happen at all in fact.
Does this mean I have to throw my body off a building?

-Keishii (somwhere in Japan)

THATKIDSAMUS: {Reads in a mocking voice after "How should I react?"} Well, Kenshii-Sama {Holds back a laugh}, I'll definintely answer your question! You should've reacted by not sending me such a crappy email! DELETED! ...Or, uh, TRASH'D! Ugh... I hate these non-console computers.

'THATKIDSAM: Hey! {Smiles} You're the same as me! What console do you use as a computer?

THATKIDSAMUS: The Playstation 832.

{Zoom in on Thatkidsam's eyes. They narrow and turn red, and the word "pwnage" appears on the bottom of the screen temporarily.}

THATKIDSAM: Crap... My doctor says I shouldn't do that more than once a day.

THATKIDSAMUS: Ha-haa, and I can do it as much as I want!

{ThatkidSamus stops time and "pwnage" flashes across the screen even quicker. He quickly fires millions of tiny shots at Thatkidsam's head. Time starts again.}

THATKIDSAM: This was pointless. Haven't you done enough meddling with your stupid ability? And I know what you wrote on my shirt.

THATKIDSAMUS: Doesn't it make you want to go out and buy a bunch of Playstation... Whatever number they have in your time period?

{The camera zooms in on Thatkidsam's shirt, showing the message "Sony is My Héro"}

THATKIDSAM: Actually, it makes me want to... KILL YOU!!! {Raises daggers and charges at ThatkidSamus}

{The frame freezes and both fall to the ground. Sheikra comes back in.}

SHEIKRA: Well, you two have checked your email and tried to kill eachother about eight times already. It's time to strap down for the transformation of the ship.

THATKIDSAM: Awww, can we kill eachother again?

SHEIKRA: Maybe later.

{Cut to a large movie theater-like room with tons of seats. Thatkidsam and ThatkidSamus sit in seats there.}

SHEIKRA: Okay, everybody! Strap yourselves down and get ready for a high-budget, cool transformation scene!

{Cut to a blank screen. People whisper in the background.}

PERSON #1: Get the tape, get the tape!

PERSON #2: This one?

PERSON #1: Any footage! Just put it in!

{Cut to Markie at the Bluey.}

MARKIE: {Breaks down sobbing} Dear Jesus! WHY DID THIS E-MAIL MAKE ME CRY?! Waaaaaaa-hahahah-haaaaaaah! Booo ho ho hoooooo! The pain! The misery! The badly drawn "Will Work for Food" signs! Ohohohohoooooo!!!

{Cut back to the blank screen.}

PERSON #1: That was the wrong footage! Put another one in!

PERSON #2: Here's the right one. "Ship Transformation," right?

PERSON #1: PUT IT IN!!

{Cut to the outside of the ship, a large, red, beehive-shaped ship lined with cannons and an extremely thick steel girder connecting the very top to the rest. The top of the ship changes in a badly-coded shape tween to a huge cannon.}

PERSON #2: What? That was the transformation sequence? Wasn't there some really cool one that wasn't some crappy flash one?

PERSON #1: Shut up, the real cartoon is playing now!

THATKIDSAM: -And, for that, MUFFINS!

{Canned laughter}

PERSON #1: Oh, you made us miss a joke! Now nobody will know what muffins are for!

SHEIKRA: Okay, rotate the ship and fire the Time-Execution Can-

{Captain Chandler materializes in the room.}

CAPTAIN CHANDLER: I'll give the orders around here! And that is... Um... Rotate the ship... And fire the Time-Execution Cannon.

SHEIKRA: Remember, you, that if we miss, you have to go and defeat them. To the cool laser sequence!

{Cut to yet another blank screen.}

PERSON #1: Oh, for the love of... Just skip this scene.

{Cut back to the inside of the ship.}

CAPTAIN CHANDLER: We missed!

THATKIDSAM: Crap!

{Cut to the Pan Clan Flagship. Several soldiers that look like a thinner version of Pan-Pan are talking.}

SOLDIER #1: You know what?

SOLDIER #2: What?

SOLDIER #1: I think it's time we-

{A barrel with Thatkidsam's legs sticking out of it crashes through the wall of the ship and hits one of the soldiers.}

SOLDIER #2: Huuaaa!

SOLDIER #1: NOOOO!!!

{Thatkidsam jumps out of the barrel and raises his daggers.}

THATKIDSAM: You're all going to get it!

{Cut to the blank screen... Again.}

PERSON #1: WHAT THE CRAP IS HAPPENING!? Why won't this display right!?

PERSON #2: Just skip to the next reel. Maybe it'll work.

{Cut to Thatkidsam leaning over ThatkidSamus' body.}

THATKIDSAM: Holy crap, I killed ThatkidSamus!

PERSON #2: Wrong one. That's from Email #68.

PERSON #1: God, to you have to spoil everything!?

{Cut to Thatkidsam running up stairs with daggers raised. He sees a completely empty white room at the end of the stairs.}

THATKIDSAM: Well, I've killed off the entire Pan Clan... Now what? ....Hey, why am I telling everyone about what happened? They already know.

{A giant silhouette appears on the side of the screen.}

SILHOUETTE: NO YOU HAVEN'T!!

THATKIDSAM: I haven't what?

SILHOUETTE: YOU HAVEN'T... Um... You haven't killed off the Pan Clan.

THATKIDSAM: Oh. And you can stop being in that silhouette now.

SILHOUETTE: This is my body, idiot! I am the Ghost of Good Comedy! I have come to avenge my death! You killed me, Thatkidsam! YOU KILLED ME!!

THATKIDSAM: Can I call you Demonic Angel Thing? Because that's what you look like.

DEMONIC ANGEL THING: Wh-whatever! I don't care! Let's get to the fight sequence!

{Cut to the blank screen}

PERSON #1: WHY MUST EVERYTHING HAPPEN TO ME!?

PERSON #2: Calm down, I found the right reel. Besides, we can't make this joke more than two times. Three was a stretch.

{Cut back to Thatkidsam and the Demonic Angel Thing.}

DEMONIC ANGEL THING: Prepare to die, Bill Cosby! {The camera zooms in on his, er, head}

THATKIDSAM: I'm not Bill Cosby, but I can't resist a crappy fight sequence! {The camera zooms in on his eyes}

{Thatkidsam attacks with his daggers, and the Demonic Angel Thing punches. A dust cloud envelops the two.}

PERSON #2: This is the worst fight scene ever.

PERSON #1: Shut up, the Demonic Angel Thing just made a joke!

{A drum rimshot plays. Eventually, Thatkidsam flies out of the dust cloud, looking beaten-up with a black eye.}

THATKIDSAM: Ugghhh... Wait a minute...

{An evil glint appears in Thatkidsam's eye.}

THATKIDSAM: Fix my saxaphone!

DEMONIC ANGEL THING: What?

THATKIDSAM: It's a tree, in space!

DEMONIC ANGEL THING: No! It couldn't be!

THATKIDSAM: Hey, Demonic Angel Thing! I want th-the... invisible. I want the invisible!

DEMONIC ANGEL THING: NOO!! {Falls to the ground}

THATKIDSAM: Bite my shiny metal {Bleep}

DEMONIC ANGEL THING: STOP!!!! STOP MAKING REFERENCES!!! I'll tell you anything!!

THATKIDSAM: Uhh... Where the crap is this plot going?

DEMONIC ANGEL THING: Uh, I will send you back to your own time, where you will find Stinkoman imprisoned by a mysterious man.

THATKIDSAM: What? So I fought you for nothing? People don't have two climaxes!

DEMONIC ANGEL THING: Bwa ha ha! My strength has returned and I shall crush you!

THATKIDSAM: Uh, what? Oh. {Does an impression of Marshie} Aaaancient dinosaaaaaurs!

DEMONIC ANGEL THING: {Collapses again} AUUGH!! You stole that from a perfectly good Other Character Email!

THATKIDSAM: Whatever. Let the story go on.

{Red particles absorb Thatkidsam and he lands back at The Stick in his own time, very glitched up.}

THATKIDSAM: Well, absolutely nothing useful happened in the last few hours, but I can just relax here while another person does my job! Wait... Why do I keep re-listing the events? This plot is obviously going nowhere intresting.

{Omni runs across the screen, leaving a banner with the message "Click Here to E-Mail Thatkidsam @ [email protected]".}

Fun Facts

• Final Fantasy 7 is obviously a real game as well as SOLDIER being a mercenary group in it.
• The "crappy PSP movie" Thatkidsam mentions is known as Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children.
• The footage of Markie being dramatic is from the Markie email, jerk?
• In his referencing spree, Thatkidsam references GEOweasel, Space Tree, Bonus Stage, and Futurama.

Author's Comments

• Rating: 2/5
• This email had some funny moments, but it could be better. And it would look so much better in Flash, if I knew how to do it... And if I could have people do the voices.