Thatkidsam.muffin/most your base

Overview

Thatkidsam Email #65

Part #4 in Shadow Retribution

Thatkidsam is captured by Starturne Industries and its army of Italian stereotypes.

Cast (in order of appearance): Thatkidsam, Omni, Candy Shop Assassins, Homestar Runner, Nocturne, Italian Stereotype Army

Places: Bubs' Concession Stand, Inconspicuous Buzzing Sign Place, Starturne Industries

Computer: Gameslayer

Date: November 4th, 2005

Lines: 83

Transcript

{The Gameslayer logo appears on the screen, and a black figure labeled "Omni" runs across the screen with a banner reading "Version: DUST BE CHOKIN' ME, DAWG." Then, two icons appear: "Omni-Mail" and "Add New File".}

THATKIDSAM: Ah, email. The one thing the four Sams have in common.

{The Thatkidsam Omni runs over to the "Omni-Mail" icon and taps it. The screen transitions to an email that pops up.}

Dear Thatkidsam
Be careful on the river! I'm warning you! The river is not to be trusted

Pnhkcopnzsollepntt mnapn

THATKIDSAM: {Starts to read with a very fake Australian accent, but clears his throat and resumes with his normal voice. He stops right before "Pnhkcopnzsollepntt mnapn".} Uhh... Pun-hook-coppen-zuh-so-lleprechaun? Uhh, I'ma call you Josh...ua.

Sorry to interrupt you, but due to the X6^th amendment, mortals may no longer mention the names of the holiest admins.

THATKIDSAM: But that means I can't mention Ekul anymore!

Oh, yeah. I'll go hack into the White House and amend the constitution somehow. I'm not sure how that would work, but, uh, I'll try. Bzzt! Clock! Yay, it's removed, somehow! Oh, and I also removed the one that prohibits slavery.

THATKIDSAM: Ah. What did it ever do for us, anyway? ...So, Joshua, why should I heed your warning? When has listening to an admin's warning ever stopped something bad from happening?

Uhh, that time when you were banned from the GameFAQs forums for spamming?

THATKIDSAM: Shut up. Bubs got you for checking email, not hacking into my mind. I don't even know how you do that.

Actually, I don't know either. It's like having a laser in your finger and not knowing.

THATKIDSAM: Well, I bet I can safely Omnify this one. Heh... Omnify... Such a crappy deletion method...

{Thatkidsam flips up a cap on the keyboard and presses a black button. Omni runs onto the screen carrying a chainsaw, and precedes to hack the email to death. Omni dusts his hands for some reason, and walks off.}

THATKIDSAM: Well, I've got a few more minutes before my Candy Shop meeting, so I'll go ahead and answer another.

{The screen transitions to an email that pops up.}

Dear thatkidsam,
Don't get shot in the leg

Runningman

THATKIDSAM: {Takes on a worried tone at the word "shot"} What the crap? Me? Shot in the leg? I doubt it. Unless you're some psychic who knows the future, I can't believe you. Anyway, I'm going to just leave. Yeah, see ya.

If you don't turn me off, my battery will die.

THATKIDSAM: You don't have a battery. And shut up, we don't want this email to be too long.

Good. Let's just end it now.

{Omni's banner momentarily flies by. After a few seconds, Thatkidsam gets up and leaves. The banner falls down, and Omni shrugs and walks off the screen.}

{Cut to the Inconspicuous Buzzing Sign Place, where Thatkidsam and several other Candy Shop Assassins are sitting around a table.}

JANGO MUIKA: Okay. Long story short, we need that Undabite man dead. He is often accompanied by a shadowy partner, and they are both extremely alert.

CANDY SHOP ASSASSIN #1: Ah. Can we have the ExtendedSlayer^TM knives? I've heard that even if you have psychic powers, you can't see them fast enough to dodge them.

CANDY SHOP ASSASSIN #2: Yeah! Enough of these rusty things!

JANGO MUIKA: Should I get the leader?

{Jango walks through to the, uh, "kitchen", and an extremely dark figure, about the same size as Thatkidsam, walks out. He takes a long look at Thatkidsam.}

OMINOUS FIGURE: Ah, Thatkidsam. The-

CANDY SHOP ASSASSIN #2: Finally! That's what ATKS stands for! Wait... What does the A stand for?

OMINOUS FIGURE: -Assassin of the Sterrance Angels, I've heard.

THATKIDSAM: W-what? How do you know that? The only people who know that are the ones who saw me on TV when I ruined the Olympics!

OMINOUS FIGURE: ...That could be anyone, moron! Everyone watches the Olympics!

THATKIDSAM: Mainly just old people.

OMINOUS FIGURE: Sh-shut up! Anyway, I guess you can have some good knives. I'll use your ice cream money to buy it.

CANDY SHOP ASSASSINS #1 & #2: Awwww...

THATKIDSAM: Well, you can get two knives, but I won't use any daggers other than my own Ikaguri-style expanding knives.

OMINOUS FIGURE: Hm... With the money we would've spent on Thatkidsam's daggers, we can now afford a dixie cup full of coleslaw.

CANDY SHOP ASSASSINS #1 & #2: COOL!

THATKIDSAM: So, when does this mission start?

OMINOUS FIGURE: Right now. {Starts laughing maniacally, and pulls a lever, opening up the floor and sending the three assassins to their doom}

JANGO MUIKA: Was that really nessesscary?

OMINOUS FIGURE: Not really.

{Cut to outside a large, star-shaped skyscraper with a huge, gold sign labeled "Starturne Industries". Thatkidsam and the two Candy Shop Assassins collide with the ground with a thump. Cut to inside the building, where Homestar and Nocturne, dressed in futuristic armor, are sitting in a desk.}

HOMESTAR: I hearken a fracas!

NOCTURNE: I discharge, too. UNLEASH THE STEREOTYPES.

{Nocturne slowly presses a red button on the desk. Cut to outside the building, where Thatkidsam and the two Candy Shop Assassins are standing.}

THATKIDSAM: Wow. I guess this is it.

CANDY SHOP ASSASSIN #1: You know, landing in an open field was not very good. People can easily see us in our black garb.

CANDY SHOP ASSASSIN #2: That sucks.

{The side doors of Starturne Industries opens. Tons of fat, mustachioed clone men waddle out in large rows. Zoom in on a few of them. They appear to all be Italian stereotypes.}

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE #1: Ah, I like-a thees pizza. {Brandishes a pizza box filled with various sharp, pointy objects}

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE #2: Ah, I like-a thees pasta. {Brandishes a huge, iron fusilli noodle with a large barrel at the end}

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE #3: Ah, I like-a thees tie to the mafia. {Brandishes an extremely large gun}

{Within a few seconds, Italian stereotypes fill the field. The assassins are soon cornered.}

CANDY SHOP ASSASSIN #1: Well, looks like I won't be having pizza tonight.

CANDY SHOP ASSASSIN #2: Uhh, SOS?

THATKIDSAM: You two handle the Italian stereotypes. I'll go get help.

CANDY SHOP ASSASSIN #1: Uhh... That's going to be kind of hard, considering our main weapons are actually Twizzlers.

{Thatkidsam activates a Pwnage abillity in fast motion, allowing him to fly over the sea of stereotypes. He lands near the building.}

THATKIDSAM: Hm... Where to get help... Hey! {The camera shifts to the right, revealing a river} It's a river! I'll get help there!

{Thatkidsam runs over to the river, and a cheesy sniper sequence occurs. Bullets fly from somewhere in the river.}

THATKIDSAM: Oh, crap, I'm being shot in the leg! {Well, uh, he is being shot in the leg}

{While he is being brutally wounded, a stereotype waddles over and slams a pizza box on top of Thatkidsam. He is now inside.}

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE #4: Ah, I like-a thees pizza ingredients. {Lifts the box above his head, apparently having trouble balancing it}

{Cut to a jail cell. Thatkidsam is rotting in it.}

THATKIDSAM: Ugh... So tired...

MYSTERIOUS SPEECH IMPEDIMENTED VOICE: So... Thatkidsam... Our encounter is encored...

THATKIDSAM: Oh, crap! Another situation in which I need a dictionary to understand how I'm going to die.

{Omni runs across the screen, leaving a banner with the message "Click Here to E-Mail Thatkidsam @ [email protected]".}

Easter Eggs

• Click on Thatkidsam to see yet another stereotype.

ITALIAN STEREOTYPE: Ah, I like-a thees Italian stereotype. {Brandishes an extremely large copy of the original Super Mario Bros. game}

Fun Facts

• The email intro is a reference to how Thatkidsam, Shim-Sham-Sam, Super Sam, and Sahm all own an email show that is successful or cool.
• "I'ma call you Josh...ua" is a reference to crazy cartoon, where Strong Bad said a similar quote.
• GameFAQs is a popular video game walkthrough, cheat, and forum site.
• Twizzlers are a popular kind of licorice.
• Super Mario Bros. is obviously a game published by Nintendo in 1985. Apparently, Mario was Italian.

Author's Comments

• Rating: C
• No comment