Thatkidsam.muffin/66th email

Overview

Thatkidsam Email #66

It's the 66th Email Spectacular as Thatkidsam (and others) reveal why there is no That Kid, Sam that exists.

Cast (in order of appearance): Thatkidsam, Omni, Brent, Lawrence, Bubs, "Coachz", The Poopsmith

Places: Bubs' Concession Stand, 1890 Land

Computer: Gameslayer

Date: March 12, 2006

Lines: 73

Transcript

THE 66TH EMAIL SPECTACULAR

{Maniacal laughter is heard. Everything is in flames, presumably Hell. Thatkidsam comes in, his hair distinctively in two horn-shapes. He holds a pitchfork made of three daggers and a shaft. He begins to laugh evilly.}

THATKIDSAM: Gwahahahaha!

{Thatkidsam looks around nervously. He pats his hair down, throws away the pitchfork, and uses a fire extinguisher to put out the fires.}

THATKIDSAM: Whoops. That could've been bad.

{Cut to Bubs' Concession Stand. Thatkidsam is checking email.}

THATKIDSAM: Email will never be as good as a calculator with a built-in pillow.

{The Gameslayer logo appears on the screen, and a black figure labeled "Omni" runs across the screen with a banner reading "Version: NOW WITH OFFICE ASSISTANT 'STABBY THE TELEGRAM'!" Then, two icons appear: "Omni-Mail" and "Add New File".}

{The Thatkidsam Omni runs over to the "Omni-Mail" icon and taps it. The screen transitions to an email that pops up.}

Dear Thatkidsam,
Us down at the Space Store were wondering if you'd like to
try our services. We were thinking about adding two spaces to
your name, since you seem to be lacking.
-The Space Store.

THATKIDSAM: LACKING IN SPACES?? LOOK AT THE SHEER NUMBER OF SPACES IN MY NAME! I HAVE... um... Let's count them. {Silence} I guess you're right. I could use a few- Wait a minute... I remember!

{Thatkidsam flips through some records labeled "CHERISHED MEMORIES". He comes across a birth certificate.}

LEONARDO JERRY FORBES THAT KID SAM MAS DIK TAHT
BORN MAY 4, 1994
I DON'T KNOW WHY HE'S IN HIGH SCHOOL NOW, EITHER

ASK THAT OTHER GUY

THATKIDSAM: Hm. If I remember correctly, my Poopaw had insane ideas for naming his children. Brent's birth name is... Heh. His first name is "Brentwise", his middle name is "Langford Brooks", and the last name was "Mas Dik Taht". When Brent decided to get an Icreature, Poopaw wanted to name him "Optic Fullmetal Larry Sue". Most pets I know have just one word for a name... But it got out of hand when he named me. "Leonardo Jerry Forbes" was my first name, "That Kid Sam" my middle, and our family name hadn't changed by then. As you can see, as soon as I could legally change my name, I squashed it into good ol' Leo Thatkidsam Masdiktaht.

{Brent comes in.}

BRENT: No, that's all wrong! I may have been named "Brentwise", but our Poopaw wasn't that insane! The space has a long history to it...

{Cut to a long piece of parchment mostly made up of gibberish.}

BRENT: In 1890, Nintendo was simply a humble card-making company, making cards with flowers and Disney Characters on them.

{Two cards with a cactus and Donald Duck appear.}

BRENT: I assume they were for some trading-card game for all the rich kids out there.

{The pictures on the cards shrink into portraits and gain "attack" stats and "defense" stats, along with long descriptions. A hand picks the cactus card up.}

FRENCH ACCENT GUY: I use the Thorncracker special attack! Your defense and HP are switched, and your attack is set to 3. You may now only use... {Rolls a die} {Rolls another die} {Rolls yet another die} 18 of your attacks.

BRITISH ACCENT GUY: {Picks up the Donald Duck card} Aww, nuts.

BRENT: However, since everything in writing was so hard to read without any separation between words, it was tough to read their attack descriptions.

BRITISH ACCENT GUY: Just a sec... Let me read my 4th attack... {Mumbles}

FRENCH ACCENT GUY: If it were easier to read, we'd be done faster than a train on its way to worke!

BRENT: They invented the space to discern between words. They also invented the Θ to separate each stroke of a letter, but it never caught on because it made reading harder.

FRENCH ACCENT GUY: And my 5th attack is... ΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘ-

{Cut to a young Thatkidsam holding a sign...}

imagainsttheuseofspacessojoinmeinmyboycottit'llreadssxmailsbeworthitshowthosenintendoguyswhosboss

BRENT: Once you found out that Nintendo made spaces, you decided to boycott them. However, since nobody read your sign in under four hours, only your friend R O G U E R E D D decided to remove most of the spaces. And I think itm was for sympathy.

THATKIDSAM: Shut up!

{Cut back to Bubs' Concession Stand. Lawrence walks in.}

LAWRENCE: No. I know the real truth.

{Cut to a picture of six assassins, one of them being a young Lawrence.}

LAWRENCE: {Voiceover} After intruding on the Comatose Six's property, That Kid Sam could only afford the simplest name change to get away from our assassin team. I still couldn't track him until a year ago.

{Cut back to the Concession Stand. Bubs walks down the stairs.}

BUBS: No, no, no. I've got the real scoop. That Kid Sam was so deeply in debt, he sold the spaces to me to save his kneecaps! I currently enjoy two convenient spaces in my name.

THATKIDSAM: That's a lie! You don't have any spaces in your name!

BUBS: They're all at the end, to tell the truth.

{Coach Z comes in.}

COACHZ: No! If you work out too hard, the spaces will start to drop off from your name and go back where they came from!

THATKIDSAM: Does the entire city need to know about this?

{The Poopsmith comes in.}

THATKIDSAM: No! Don't even try! You can't talk, and I doubt you can write or read!

{The Poopsmith dejectedly walks away, holding a well-written book, "A Tale of Two Spaces".}

THATKIDSAM: I can safely say that my story is the only true one.

{The entire room begins to riot, each one insisting that theirs is true.}

{Omni runs across the screen, leaving a banner with the message "Click Here to E-Mail Thatkidsam @ [email protected]".}

Easter Eggs

• Wait 15 seconds to view an additional scene.

THATKIDSAM: Although I would enjoy using your services to edit Lawrence's official name...

{Cut to a government office.}

RANDOM AUTHORITY FIGURE: Holy crap, this guy's name is too long for our computer to handle!

{A computer is visible with the following text:}

L A W R E N C E D O M I N O N I N A T I O N I S M P R I S M A T I L C A D D I L A C L A W S O N

RANDOM AUTHORITY FIGURE: That guy's name is 48 names long! I've heard of that Ralph Lee Monoke Fitz-Gerald guy, but this takes the cake!

{The computer explodes.}

• Click on the parts of the computer to see a poster for a "Comatose Six" manga series.

Fun Facts

• The entire beginning segment is a reference to 666, a number believed to be related to the devil.
• Strong Bad also has a poopaw.
• Nintendo actually was a card-making company 100 years ago. However, the trading-card joke is a complete lie.
• In Thatkidsam's protest sign is a shameless plug for SSX-Mail.

Author's Comments

• Rating: B
• Ah, back to non-canon emails. These are much easier, and I can also pull these trading-card jokes well with this kind of thing. Also, Coach Z's story is based on some GameFAQs user's theory that playing Guitar Hero makes your fingers disappear, in response to the fact that a video about Guitar Hero showed buttons being pressed, but no fingers pressing them.