Thatkidsam.muffin/red vortex mk2

Overview

Thatkidsam Email #59

Part #5 in Finding Stinko

Thatkidsam is teleported to the Red Vortex Flagship and has conflicts with his future self.

Cast (in order of appearance): Thatkidsam, ThatkidSamus, Red Vortex, Markie, Pan Clan, Thatladsamuel

Places: Computer Camp, Red Vortex Flagship, Pan Clan Flagship, Atlanta, Georgia

Computer: Gameslayer

Date: August 12th, 2005

Lines: 149

Transcript

{Soft music plays as the camera zooms in on Thatkidsam, who is sleeping in a bed at camp. He wakes up and yawns.}

THATKIDSAM: Aaah, that was a restful sleep.

{After a few seconds, the music stops and the camera zooms out to show that the entire room is glitched by the hole in space-time, and a familiar swarm of green particles enters the room.}

THATKIDSAM: What the... CRAP!! {Gets sucked into the particles in a green flash}

{Meanwhile, at the Red Vortex Flagship...}

THATKIDSAMUS: {Walks into a room lined with computer monitors} Oh, cool! They have a computer room! {Sits down at one and clicks on "Mind Reader Application Starter".}

COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Please think of the application you would like to run.

THATKIDSAMUS: Hm...

COMPUTERIED VOICE: Unknown application: "Opal_is_hot.exe".

{ThatkidSamus glares at the camera and jumps at it.}

THATKIDSAMUS: Give me that tape!

{The camera falls over and goes fuzzy. It goes black for a second, then resumes upright. ThatkidSamus is still at the computer.}

COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Unknown application: "C11_has_linux_installed.exe".

THATKIDSAMUS: {Slams fists on keyboard} Ugh! This stupid thing is useless!

COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Unknown appli-

THATKIDSAMUS: {Closes out of the mind reader} I'll just have to do this manually. {Claps, and an application comes up} Wait a minute, this Warstart 3! {Claps again} Ahh, here it is.

Thatkidsamus.
Can you help me?
I found out my girlfriend's an angel!
How should I react?
These things happen to other earth people.
They don't happen at all in fact.
Does this mean I have to throw my body off a building?

-Keishii (somwhere in Japan)

THATKIDSAMUS: Well, KenShy-Sama, I suggest buying her some flowers and some holy water, and it would be a good idea to-

{A green flash ensues and Thatkidsam falls out of the ceiling.}

THATKIDSAMUS: What the... Who are you?

THATKIDSAM: Where the crap am I!?

{The screen goes black and the text "Six hours of re-telling the plot's events and who Thatkidsam is later...}

THATKIDSAM: I knew Pan-Pan was evil!

THATKIDSAMUS: It isn't freakin' Pan-Pan! It's just 'cause the leader's name is Ponnel de Pan!

THATKIDSAM: You mean, Panel de Pon?

THATKIDSAMUS: No, Ponnel de Pan. Stop playing those awful Japanese puzzle games!

THATKIDSAM: Did you just insult the awesomeness of Panel de Pon?

THATKIDSAMUS: Yeah. {The camera zooms in on his face} Tetris Attack and Panel de Pon suck!

THATKIDSAM: It's time for some PWNAGE!!

{Everything freezes. Thatkidsam's eyes glow red and the word "pwnage" flashes across the screen. He raises his daggers and jumps at ThatkidSamus.}

THATKIDSAM: HAAA!!!

THATKIDSAMUS: Heh.

{Thatkidsam freezes and ThatkidSamus moves. His hands grow red and the word "pwnage" flashes across the screen. He fires a plasma blast at Thatkidsam, who flies against the wall. Time returns to normal again.}

THATKIDSAM: Why the crap did you do that!?

THATKIDSAMUS: You know, normal people don't suddenly attack their relatives.

THATKIDSAM: Well, Strong Bad and Strong Sad aren't exactly the best friends!

THATKIDSAMUS: Defending yourself is rather important. You should know that, being an assassin and everything.

THATKIDSAM: I'm not an assassin!

THATKIDSAMUS: Then, what's with the assassin garb?

THATKIDSAM: Why don't you go read my blog?

{Both smile as a huge link to The Many Words of Thatkidsam appears on the top of the screen. They stop when Sheikra and two soldiers burst into the room. Thatkidsam looks around and grabs the link, crumples it and hides it behind his back.}

SHEIKRA: Okay, you two identical people. Buckle down while the ship transforms to allow the Time-Execution Cannon to fire. And if can you please tell me why you just tried to kill eachother about eight times?

THATKIDSAM: Aww, I wanted to kill him again!

SHEIKRA: You've just been demoted to "animal". And if we miss, one of you is going to have to find a way to destroy the entire Pan Clan single-handedly.

THATKIDSAMUS: It'll be him.

THATKIDSAM: ...WHAT!?

THATKIDSAMUS: I told you... You need to find a way to protect yourself.

THATKIDSAM: ...What!? Assassins had terrible defense in Fire Emblem, anyways!

THATKIDSAMUS: This isn't a video game. ...That's why there's a plant called the Seizure Cactus in that pot over there. {Points to the left}

THATKIDSAM: Ooh, cool! {Walks offscreen and screams} OWW!!! MY EYES!!

THATKIDSAMUS: Heh heh heh...

{Cut to a large movie theater-like room with tons of seats. Thatkidsam and ThatkidSamus sit in seats there.}

SHEIKRA: Okay, everybody! Strap yourselves down and get ready for a high-budget, cool transformation scene!

{Cut to a blank screen. People whisper in the background.}

PERSON #1: Get the tape, get the tape!

PERSON #2: This one?

PERSON #1: Any footage! Just put it in!

{Cut to Markie at the Bluey.}

MARKIE: {Breaks down sobbing} Dear Jesus! WHY DID THIS E-MAIL MAKE ME CRY?! Waaaaaaa-hahahah-haaaaaaah! Booo ho ho hoooooo! The pain! The misery! The badly drawn "Will Work for Food" signs! Ohohohohoooooo!!!

{Cut back to the blank screen.}

PERSON #1: That was the wrong footage! Put another one in!

PERSON #2: Here's the right one. "Ship Transformation," right?

PERSON #1: PUT IT IN!!

{Cut to the outside of the ship, a large, red, beehive-shaped ship lined with cannons and an extremely thick steel girder connecting the very top to the rest. The top of the ship changes in a badly-done shape tween to a huge cannon.}

PERSON #2: What? That was the transformation sequence? Wasn't there some really cool one that wasn't some crappy flash one?

PERSON #1: Shut up, the real cartoon is playing now!

THATKIDSAM: -And, for that, MUFFINS!

{Canned laughter}

PERSON #1: Oh, you made us miss a joke! Now nobody will know what muffins are for!

SHEIKRA: Okay, rotate the ship and fire the Time-Execution Can-

{Captain Chandler materializes in the room.}

CAPTAIN CHANDLER: I'll give the orders around here! And that is... Um... Rotate the ship... And fire the Time-Execution Cannon.

SHEIKRA: Remember, you, that if we miss, you have to go and defeat them. To the cool laser sequence!

{Cut to yet another blank screen.}

PERSON #1: Oh, for the love of... Just skip this scene.

{Cut back to the inside of the ship.}

CAPTAIN CHANDLER: We missed!

THATKIDSAM: Crap!

{Cut to one of the Cannon Rooms, where Sheikra is shoving Thatkidsam into a cannon.}

SHEIKRA: Now, remember... Once you get in, shut down the ship and kill the entire clan.

THATKIDSAM: But-

SHEIKRA: Too late! {Presses a button and the cannon is fired}

THATKIDSAM: AUGH!!!

{Zoom in on the side of the Pan Clan flagship. Thatkidsam flies at it at an incredible speed and hits the side, then falls off.}

THATKIDSAM: OWW!! That's going to hurt tomorrow... Hey, what's that?

{A grey portal swallows Thatkidsam up.}

{Cut to the Red Vortex Flagship, where ThatkidSamus and Sheikra are standing around.}

SHEIKRA: Well, it's been several hours. I can safely say that Thatkidsam found his way to defeating the Pan Clan. Let's party! Go get the drinks in the refreshments room.

THATKIDSAMUS: WOO! Party! {Almost leaves the room}

{An explosion is heard and the screen shakes.}

THATKIDSAMUS: What was that!?

SHEIKRA: We've been harpooned!

THATKIDSAMUS: Oh. {The camera shifts to show that a harpoon's tip is stuck in ThatkidSamus' arm.} That's what that was. {Jerks arm out of the harpoon} So, does this mean we have to do a crappy puzzle-swordfighting minigame?

SHEIKRA: No. We have to fight them. Just wait until they get over to the ship, and we'll fight them.

THATKIDSAMUS: Hey, I've got a better idea.

{Cut to Ponnel de Pan, a skinnier version of Pan-Pan, and two soldiers walking on a rope connected to the harpoon.}

SOLDIER #1: So, you see, that's what makes us so tough.

{The rope shakes.}

PONNEL DE PAN: What the crap is happening!?

{The rope trembles again. It then falls at one end, dropping the three Pans.}

THATKIDSAMUS: Ha-ha! I just killed Ponnel de Pan, and Thatkidsam didn't! I deserve a medal! Or at least Fanstuff of the Week.

{Cut back to the Red Vortex Flagship.}

SHEIKRA: Good work! I promote you to Class-A Soldier for knocking out our toughest enemy.

THATKIDSAMUS: Yeah! And... I finished the plot for good.

SHEIKRA: Wait a minute... Are you going to be staying?

THATKIDSAMUS: Hm... {Long pause} Heck yeah! Say goodbye, 7838!

SHEIKRA: Good! Now you can help us destroy our millions of other enemies.

THATKIDSAMUS: {Smiles, then stops} Wait a minute... Wasn't I supposed to find Stinkoman? Wait a minute... Where the heck is Thatkidsam?

{Cut to 1938, where Thatkidsam lands in a grey flash.}

THATKIDSAM: What the... Where am I now!?

THATLADSAMUEL: Good old lordy, it's a person made up of more than three col-ors!

{Omni runs across the screen, leaving a banner with the message "Click Here to E-Mail Thatkidsam @ [email protected]".}

Easter Eggs

• Click on Thatkidsam to see the Seizure Cactus. It flashes several colors really fast.

Fun Facts

• Warstart 3 is a reference to the Warcraft series.
• The Seizure Cactus is a reference to Billy Bob the Cactus Blob in which you can throw Seizure Cactus thistles in one of the games.
• One of the clips shown is actually a clip from jerk?, a Markie email.
• ThatkidSamus' quote about puzzle-swordfighting is a reference to the MMORPG Puzzle Pirates.
• Fanstuff of the Week is a real award, obviously.

Author's Comments

• Rating: B
• Listen up: Opal is just a CHARACTER I MADE UP. Not a person in real life. You may think it's a reference, but it isn't. I would have made a reference if it weren't for Pixelated reading this email show.

Author Commentary

THE NOID: Hey everypeoples, it's red vortex mk2! I'm your DJ, Mix Masta Noid!

THATKIDSAM: Darn it, late again! Anyway... What did you think of this here email?

THE NOID: Good...whats up with you and C11 having Linux?

THATKIDSAM: I think it was me thinking about the Ekul email I read. And then... Thinking about... ...Something else... {Cough}

THE NOID: ... Whatever. Anyways, that High Budjet thing makes me laugh. Kinda. And so does the stuff between person one and two.

THATKIDSAM: "We'll have to do it manually. {Claps}" That's yet another Futurama reference. I really like that show.

THE NOID: I think I saw that episode.

THATKIDSAM: Yeah... I think it was the one where Bender gets downgraded... So, that was a toastpaint. Yeah... I really liked Thatkidsam's conflicts with his future self, and so did Ekul.

THE NOID: Yep. The party part was a pretty cool too.

THATKIDSAM: Heh. Seizure Cactus. I like that. I couldn't pass up the Billy Bob the Cactus Blob reference. Wow, this has a lot of references in it.

THE NOID: Heh. I guess it does. Well, I'm thinking this commentary is about over, how about you?