Thatkidsam.muffin/chocolate WMDs

Overview

Thatkidsam Email #62

Part #1 In Shadow Retribution

Icreature shows us some of his Chocolate Nukes and tells us how to use them to terrorize the city. Thatkidsam doesn't have a clue.

Cast (in order of appearance): Brent, Icreature, Bubs, Thatkidsam, Mysterious Silhouette, Ian Stretcheye, President Bill Jackson, Fashionmore Henchman

Places: Bubs' Concession Stand, Icreature Fortress, The Slightly Non-Straight-Edged Rectangle Office

Computer: Gameslayer

Date: September 18, 2005

Lines: 90

Transcript

{Brent and Icreature are in the VirtualCopter, surrounded by orange helicopters armed with tons of weapons.}

BUBS DEFENSE HELICOPTERS: Unarm yourself or be obliterated. We have armed ourself with the lethal Chocolate Drill-Laser.

BRENT: That's no match for our DARK Chocolate Drill-Laser! Icreature, let's do this!

{They both eject, and energy starts to gather around Icreature, and...}

A low budget later...

{Cut to Bubs' Concession Stand, where Brent and Icreature walk (and float) in. Bubs immidiately notices them and presses a button under the counter.}

BUBS: You! You're the two that defied my security in a cool, high-budget sequence involving a chocolate drill! Bring in the MegaTanks!

{Thatkidsam runs up the stairs, apparently tired.}

THATKIDSAM: {Groggily} Bubs, why are you activating the MegaTank so early in the- {Notices Brent and Icreature} Oh, hey, Brent! Nice to see you! What happened?

{The far wall opens up and a gigantic red tank rolls out and charges up a blast. Brent fails to notice.}

BRENT: I think Icreature did something, and then we got stranded on a secret government island developing a bio-weapon project "Dyphus Beta" and-

BUBS: Uhh, Thatkidsam? Tell me if these are innocent. I think the MegaTank is going to fire.

THATKIDSAM: Innocent, innocent! ...Well, maybe Icreature's guilty, but...

{Bubs waves frantically at the MegaTank and it cancels its huge charge-up blast. It rolls back into the wall and disappears.}

BRENT: -Sucked into a time portal, and the black hole atoms and Red Vortex ions collided-

THATKIDSAM: Shut up. Anyway, yeah, Bubs, don't call your newly-found security peoples on my friends.

BUBS: How was I supposed to know? That helicopter was equipped with air-to-surface black hole lasers! I had no choice!

THATKIDSAM: Whatever. We got Bubs' Gameslayer, and I can check email on it.

ICREATURE: Heh heh...

{Cut to the Gameslayer.}

{The Gameslayer logo appears on the screen, and a black figure labeled "Omni" runs across the screen with a banner reading "Version: SNOWCONEMANIAC.WORM" Then, two icons appear: "Omni-Mail" and "Add New File".}

THATKIDSAM: How'd you like this email, Gameslayer?

{The Thatkidsam Omni runs over to the "Omni-Mail" icon and taps it. The screen transitions to an email that pops up.}

Dear Thatkidsam
Do you own chocolate nukes?
I hear they're prety good.
Nice work

The man

THATKIDSAM: What? Chocolate nukes? The government confiscated those years ago! I guess the world just isn't ready to be destroyed by waves of dark chocolate. {Calling out to Bubs} Hey, Bubs! You have any Chocolate WMDs?

BUBS: {From above} No! I used to have me some o' those Chocolate MegaTanks, and then they found my giant stockpile of them hidden in South Africa. Stupid government! And no, I don't know where to get them. Yeah. Don't ask me. I don't know. {Cough}

THATKIDSAM: Well, that isn't very good. Well, there's no way to end an email now, so I'm just going to go to bed. Someone else finish this. {Yawns and leaves}

ICREATURE: {Sly voice} So, Brent... Why don't you go out and... Buy some... Furniture? Yeah, furniture.

BRENT: Can do! {Leaves}

ICREATURE: ...Good. Hah... {Gets on the Gameslayer} I, on the other hand, DO have chocolate nukes!

{Cut to an undisclosed location where Icreature is standing in front of a large stockpile of brown neuclear weapons.}

ICREATURE: You see, Chocolate WMDs are notorious for including... Certain ingredients other than chocolate. Like... {Text appears above his head for every ingredient} "Atomizing caramel." "Fusion peanuts." And, of course, {Scary voice} "Aaaancient dinosaurs!" {Normal voice, text no longer appears} And since the Fusion Peanuts fall out of orbit and are launched out of the cloud, you have to know exactly when to-

{A silhouetted figure with spiky hair appears in the background and talks in a strange, low voice.}

SILHOUETTE: Icreature. I was wondering when you would come. Where were you? I thought you would come as soon as we had accomplished the stockpiling.

ICREATURE: {Stops talking, notices the silhouette} Ah! Master Th- {Edited speech replaces whatever he was about to say} MASTER. I had some detours to take with Project D- POODLE and some br- STAPLERS in the l- BUTT.

SILHOUETTE: Ah. But did you forget about our plan? Our master plan?

{Cut to Bubs' Concession Stand.}

THATKIDSAM: {Yawn} Hm. There HAS to be a good email now!

{Thatkidsam walks over to the Gameslayer and sees an email already pulled up. It is heavily censored.}

Dear **********,

So, is opertion QWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKL;ZXCVBNM a go? Also, if this
isn't ***********.*******, please forward it.

Signed,

CODENAME:Dudeman

THATKIDSAM: {Reads both groups of asterisks as "Sea of asterisks"} What? This email is both incomprehensible and censored! Stupid plotlines... Also, stupid internet providers... Stupid alarm clock... {Leaves the screen}

{Cut to a top news story where Ian Stretcheye is reporting.}

IAN STRETCHEYE: This just in, a rather large fortress is flying above Free Country, and its silhouetted leader, {Edited voice} SILHOUETTE MAN, reportedly has a large stockpile of atomic cocoa. Our beloved president, Bill Jackson, will attend to this subject.

{Cut to the Slightly Non-Straight-Edged Rectangle Office.}

BILL JACKSON: If you haven't heard the news, I'm the president! Isn't that great? {A picture of a dead King of Town appears in the corner. It soon disappears.} So, anyway, {Two pictures of The Silhouette and Bubs appear.} we are going to search this man for his abundant neuclear weapons! We have to! {Points to Bubs and not the Silhouette} He obviously also has ties to the large attack on Free Country, but we don't have any proof, but you trust me, right? Right??

{Cut back to the news story.}

IAN STRETCHEYE: But, Mr. President, we just said that it was that ominously shadowy figure! We even have footage!

{Cut back to the Slightly Non-Straight-Edged Rectangle Office.}

BILL JACKSON: You shall be arrested for questioning me!

{Cut to the news story again.}

IAN STRETCHEYE: What? You can't arrest me! There's the free speech law! It's in the constitution! ...Or the Bill of Rights. I forgot.

{Cut yet again to the Slightly Non-Straight-Edged Rectangle Office.}

BILL JACKSON: Hah! Me and my team of robotic Supreme Court Judges and robotic representatives have declared the entire constitution UNCONSTITUTIONAL! {Starts laughing evilly, then stops} You can stop recording now.

{Cut to Bubs' Conession Stand. A huge truck appears and several Fashionmore Henchmen pour out into the entrance. One politely knocks on the door, and the rest raise their machine guns. Bubs opens the door, holding a large time bomb, then quickly throws it behind his back.}

BUBS: What'll ya have?

FASHIONMORE SQUAD LEADER: Oh, we'll get some deep-fired coke. And, can we search your house for nukes?

BUBS: That'll be five dollars. And yeah, you won't find anything... {Whispering} Yet.

FASHIONMORE SQUAD LEADER: Thanks.

{Cut to Ian Stretcheye, reporting from his jail cell.}

IAN STRETCHEYE: It appears that we have lost thousands of soldiers in the battlefront of Bubs' Concession Stand and haven't found any neuclear weapons. That's because you DIDN'T GO WITH MY ADVICE, PRESIDENT!

{Several jail officers are heard talking.}

JAIL OFFICER #1: He just questioned the president's great judgement again! Give him the Box of Tasers!

{A door opens above Ian Stretcheye's head and millions of tazers drop down and shock him.}

IAN STRETCHEYE: AAAAAAAAUUUUGH!!! {Twitches} Is this legal punishment?

{Cut to Icreature's Fortress.}

SILHOUETTE: Ready? Phase two begins now. We must destroy the place that forgot us!

ICREATURE: Heh heh heh... Let's do this!

{Icreature taps a button with his claw, and everything goes black.}

PERSON #1: Crap, we're out of film!

PERSON #2: Don't worry, I've got the rest of the email already taped. {Fumbling sound, and a picture appears};;

{Cut to Markie at the Bluey.}

MARKIE: {Breaks down sobbing} Dear Jesus! WHY DID THIS E-MAIL MAKE ME CRY?! Waaaaaaa-hahahah-haaaaaaah! Booo ho ho hoooooo! The pain! The misery! The badly drawn "Will Work for Food" signs! Ohohohohoooooo!!!

{The screen goes blank again.}

PERSON #1: For God's sakes, why do you keep that reel in here?

{Omni runs across the screen, leaving a banner with the message "Click Here to E-Mail Thatkidsam @ [email protected]".}

Easter Eggs

• Click on the top-right corner of the screen to see Thatkidsam get up yet again.

THATKIDSAM: It's been 5 minutes... There HAS to be a good email now!

Inbox empty.

THATKIDSAM: Whoops, I forgot this isn't as oftenly emailed as Strong Bad.

Fun Facts

• MegaTanks are from Advance Wars.
• "Ancient Dinosaurs" are a reference to cancelled which was referencing the Poopsmith Email, commercial.
• Bill Jackson was shown in a painting in program.
• The scene with Markie is from jerk?, also shown in red vortex mk2.

Author's Comments

• Rating: B+
• I just love those cameramen. Will they ever get along? And the reason this email never ended because I was tired when making it. Oh well.