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Overview

Thatkidsam Email #64

Part #3 in Shadow Retribution

Nocturne and Homestar are struck by the fusion peanuts of Icreature's chocolate nuke, causing them to become extremely intelligent. Meanwhile, Thatkidsam is led by the mysterious Jango Muika to join a group of real assassins called the Candy Shop.

Cast (in order of appearance): Red Vortex, Bubs, Homestar Runner, Icreature, Nocturne, Thatkidsam, Jango Muika, Candy Shop Assassins

Places: Red Vortex Flagship, Bubs' Concession Stand, The Stick (Crater), Inconspicuous Buzzing Sign Place

Computer: Gameslayer

Date: October 25, 2005

Lines: 145

Transcript

{Inside the Red Vortex Flagship, a large, purple portal is in the center of the room. A grey-clothed soldier jumps out, and the portal flashes. He runs right into the wall and falls over. Several other soldiers run toward him and crowd around him.}

RED VORTEX LUITENANT: Hm, he's back. A worker of his rank, going this crazy? He must have discovered something big!

RED VORTEX LUITENANT GENERAL: I... {Pants} I found... Trilobians... EMP bomb... Going off... Midnight...

RED VORTEX SOLDIER: Tell Captain Chandler!

RED VORTEX LUITENANT: Yes. You, go tell Chandler while I put him to sleep momentarily to recover his strength.

RED VORTEX SOLDIER: Y-yes, sir!

{The Luitenant pinches the Luitenant General's neck. He twitches, and then falls down. Cut to Captain Chandler's office. Two Red Vortex Soldiers burst into his room.}

CAPTAIN CHANDLER: Yeah?

RED VORTEX SOLDIER #2: Sir! We found that the Trilobians have built an EMP and it will destroy all technology! Should we set up a time barrier?

CAPTAIN CHANDLER: Good thinking, but I'll give the orders. Go... Go set up a... time barrier... But first, tell me who found this out. Promotions are in order.

RED VORTEX SOLDIER #2: Well, sir, there was this high-ranked-

RED VORTEX SOLDIER #1: {Talking very loudly and quickly} Me. I did it. I went through the time portal, saw it with my own eyes, saw the EMP go off, and ran here as fast as I could to tell you. Yeah. Definintely. No lies.

RED VORTEX SOLDIER #2: {Astonished} ...I... He...

CAPTAIN CHANDLER: Less talking, more barrier-inating. Get out of my presence. {Shoos away #2}

{Red Vortex Soldier #2 walks out of the room dejectedly.}

CAPTAIN CHANDLER: You! You deserve a promotion. As a Private, you can now call yourself by your human name.

RED VORTEX SOLDIER #1: Uh, I'm not human. I'm Undabitian.

CAPTAIN CHANDLER: {The background instantly turns red} DO NOT CORRECT ME, FOR I AM ALMIGHTY! {The background turns back to normal} Sorry about that, I've been experiencing what the doctor calls "evil gene backflips". Anyway, congratulations, Private Vega Winner.

VEGA WINNER: Heh heh heh... Good. {Walks away, laughing}

CAPTAIN CHANDLER: There's something suspicious about that guy... HIS SHIRT IS UNTUCKED! GET HIM!

VEGA WINNER: {Off in the distance} CRAP, YOU NOTICED!

{Cut to the main observation hall in the flagship. The soldier from earlier is working at a computer.}

RED VORTEX SOLDIER: Let's see... Circular... Eliptical... Omgwtfbbq-erson... There we go! And then, send the junk to 2005... Great! All fixed. Now, to sit back and watch the EMP be disrupted.

{A Red Vortex Luitenant comes by.}

RED VORTEX LUITENANT: 2005? Why?

RED VORTEX SOLDIER: Random.com. It was a random number, so I put in 2005. Now all the junk from the portal will go into 2005 at a random spot.

{A short while passes.}

RED VORTEX SOLDIER: Crap!
RED VORTEX LUITENANT: {Overlapping} Crap...

{Cut to Bubs' Concession Stand, where Homestar is ordering something from Bubs.}

HOMESTAR: Oh, and, don't forget the big ol' action figure of Stickoman.

BUBS: I don't sell action figures, and who is Stickoman?

HOMESTAR: You know, that guy with the green face and the-

{A bright flash turns the screen white momentarily. When the color returns to normal, tons of frozen blue distorted junk fills the room.}

HOMESTAR: Bubbaman, I don't think there's a way out of here.

BUBS: Yeah, you're right. I don't sell ice picks. They're for suckers.

HOMESTAR: Yeah, you're right.

{Cut to the Icreature Fortress, where Icreature is looking through the fridge.}

ICREATURE: Hm... I wonder what's in here...

{Another bright flash turns the screen white. When everything returns to normal, everything in the firidge, even the back of it, is gone and replaced by a bright light.}

ICREATURE: Oh, no! It's Narnia! MR. TUMNUS IS GOING TO EAT ME!

{Cut back to upstairs Bubs' Concession Stand. Half of the large, junky ice block is gone.}

BUBS: Wow. Your beanie-

HOMESTAR: BUZZER!

BUBS: Er, buzzer is good for destroying ice.

HOMESTAR: Sir or madam, you are truly welcome. {Closes eyes and bows head}

BUBS: ...Er, your services are free, right? Because I ain't payin' no fees.

HOMESTAR: All I demand is a thousand Fluffy-ooh! {Looks at the ice}

BUBS: Fluffyü? I don't have those in stock. Those German imported mushrooms take a long time to purify.

{The camera whirls around to show a frozen person inside the ice, who Homestar is looking at.}

HOMESTAR: Is that Strongbuh?

BUBS: {Takes a closer look} Um, no. That would be your old girlfriend, Nocturne.

HOMESTAR: Who's that?

BUBS: Ugh... Explanations are five bucks.

{The screen fades to black. After a few seconds, it comes back.}

HOMESTAR: Oh, you mean the slug woman?

BUBS: Exactly. So, do you want to chip her out, or what?

HOMESTAR: I'm pretty sure we should.

{Homestar's, er, buzzer cap starts to spin, and Bubs picks him up and starts to "feed" the ice into his cap, shredding it. As they shred the ice around Nocturne, they notice something else near her. It is the chocolate nuke from earlier!}

HOMESTAR: Ooh, chocolate!

{Homestar continues to cut towards the "chocolate" as Bubs runs for cover as soon as he realizes what Homestar is doing.}

BUBS: There ain't no stopping him no-

{Homestar cuts a little too close, and the frozen nuke activates. Several spike-shaped objects fly out from it, and momentarily, the screen goes white again. When the screen returns to normal, all of the junk-ice is gone, and Nocturne is unconcious along with Homestar with fusion peanuts stuck in their heads. Bubs jumps down from the ceiling and takes off his helmet.}

BUBS: You alright?

{Homestar sits up and has a great posture.}

HOMESTAR: I'm conjecturing quite exceptional, conclusively.

BUBS: What? You're out of character?

HOMESTAR: Fracturing the quad-embankment is treason!

BUBS: You're creeping me out, Homestar. Do you still call your beanie a buzzer?

HOMESTAR: Certainly. When is a beanie not called a buzzer-time?

BUBS: ... I hate you. You may not make any purchases here.

NOCTURNE: {Wakes up} That is quite vexatious of you, Tads.

BUBS: My name is Bubs.

HOMESTAR: The vexations of paradoxes form quite large cases of the tantalizing pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis.

BUBS: I'm getting out of here.

{Cut to a large crater in The Field where The Stick Tower used to be. Thatkidsam is lying down inside, playing on his N-Gage QD. He glances at the camera, and suddenly sits up and fumbles his N-Gage.}

THATKIDSAM: Wh-woah! E-er, sorry. I was just, uh, checking my email and not lazing around and playing video games. Let's see... Let's answer another email, because I definintely answered another off-camera.

Hey, Thatkidsam
What is the deal with Otako? He is a total nerd, isn't he? He even gave my Lappy a virus, but I fixed it.
How come nobody notices the good doing of Jango Muika?

-Witchesbrew

THATKIDSAM: {Pronounces "Otako" as "Otta-koh", "Muika" as "Mü-ee-kah" and "Witchesbrew as "Wi-CHES-brew".} Uhh... Hm... Jango who? This better not be another Star Wars reference that makes fanstuff overrated.

{A pixelated RPG-type screen appears.}





{Cut back to the crater, where Thatkidsam is lying, answering the email.}

THATKIDSAM: Well, I'm sad to say, that's the only response you'll get. Well, it's about time the N-Gage gets some of the action. QLETED!

Mwree?

THATKIDSAM: What?

I said, MWREE?????

THATKIDSAM: I hate y-

{An ominous-looking figure suddenly appears in a flash of darkness.}

OMINOUS FIGURE: Hm. You might want to think before Q-leting that.

THATKIDSAM: Who the heck are you?

{The camera zooms out, and the ominous figure throws off his cloak, revealing a suit of armor similar to ThatkidSamus'. Red eyes glow inside, and batlike wings appear out of the back of his armor.}

OMINOUS FIGURE: I am... Jango Muika! {Jumps randomly into the air}

THATKIDSAM: Yeah, so, why are you here?

JANGO MUIKA: Whenever a shadowy figure appears in any email show, it's time for a boring, random explanation. Get ready!

THATKIDSAM: Sigh... {Actually says "Sigh"}

JANGO MUIKA: You mentioned several times that you were an assassin, and you seem fast and strong enough to actually be one. But having to be around this... Free country of yours stopped you from doing this. I am here on behalf of the Candy Shop assassins. {The camera zooms in on his, er, helmet} Would you... Like to live up to your ego?

THATKIDSAM: {Laughing} Candy shop... Heh... Assassins are usually smart, so why can't you come up with a good name?

JANGO MUIKA: The first rule of being an assassin is being inconspicuous.

THATKIDSAM: Okay, yeah. I'm sure that not thinking about this before I do it will not cause me to die a painful death. Where do I start?

{Cut to a building called the "Inconspicuous Buzzing Sign Place" with a buzzing sign, obviously. Lots of dark purple-clothed assassins with wings similar to a bat's are seated around a large table.}

CANDY SHOP ASSASSIN #1: What? A new recruit?

CANDY SHOP ASSASSIN #2: Yeah. I hear he's good. He's accurate with knives.

CANDY SHOP ASSASSIN #1: Great!

JANGO MUIKA: Okay. Let's all go over our mission, this time with our new recruit. Let's just call him... ATKS.

CANDY SHOP ASSASSIN #2: Attacks?

JANGO MUIKA: No, it's an acronym. {Quickly talking} So, yeah, our next target lives in Free Country. Some of you might know him. He is seen frequently with blue shoes, long pants, and a red star shirt. He has a rather large underbite.

THATKIDSAM: {Thinking} Underbite? It can't be... I mean, I hate him, but I know him...

JANGO MUIKA: He is extremely smart, able to dodge most of our attempts already. But since we have ATKS on our team, we'll be able to do it. Right?

THATKIDSAM: {Thinking} Smart? Good, it can't be Homestar at all. {No longer thinking} Y-yes!

{Omni runs across the screen, leaving a banner with the message "Click Here to E-Mail Thatkidsam @ [email protected]".}

Easter Eggs

  • None.

Fun Facts

  • Icreature's comment about the shining fridge is a reference to the Chronicles of Narnia where the land of Narnia was found in the back of the wardrobe. Mr. Tumnus is a faun that lives in Narnia.
  • Smart Homestar's "quad-enbankment" is sometimes known as the fourth wall. He complains about Bubs breaking it.
  • Nocturne calls Bubs "Tads", "Tad" meaning "kid".
  • Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis is a disease caught by miners.
  • Wookiee #239 is mentioned from star wars as "The hairiest one".
  • The misspelling of Wookiee, "Wooky", is a reference to The Wooky, a n00b-version of the Wiki.
  • Super Sam likes cheese. It's a fact, DANGIT!
  • Ekul likes Star Wars, referenced by the fact that he will send hate mail.

Author's Comments

  • Rating: B-
  • I really liked the plot for this, but it was kind of long.


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