Thatkidsam.muffin/universal principal

Overview

Thatkidsam Email #63

Thatkidsam accidentally resurrects an ancient race from Earth, the Museum Planet, and sends them on a magnetic rampage. It's all up to Brash! Why'd we leave it up to him? It wasn't my idea.

Cast (in order of appearance): Thatkidsam, Omni, Almighty Master Regibliss VIII, ThatkidSamus, Tour Guide, Random Aliens, Trilobian, Brash

Places: Bubs' Concession Stand, Red Vortex Flagship, Headmaster Space, Museum Planet, MMO-RPG, Chain Plasma EMP Project

Computer: Gameslayer

Date: October 1, 2005

Lines: 109

Transcript

{The Gameslayer logo appears on the screen, and a black figure labeled "Omni" runs across the screen with a banner reading "Version: Bubba Concession Stand??" Then, two icons appear: "Omni-Mail" and "Add New File".}

THATKIDSAM: Email is the only thing keeping me sane, hoo hoo, hee hee!

{The Thatkidsam Omni runs over to the "Omni-Mail" icon and taps it. The screen transitions to an email that pops up.}

Sup' thatkidsam,
What would happen if you're universal headmaster?

-Shim-Sham-Sam, the cow puncher

THATKIDSAM: {Reads until "the cow puncher"} Um... the conveniently-placed trampoline? No... the Bread and Sugar? No... Oh, it's the cow puncher. I'm going to have to learn to read instead of recalling inside jokes from memory... {Clears screen} So... Universal Headmaster? You mean, like...

{Cut to a black-and-white photo of a man holding a pistol at the camera, labeled "Almighty Master Regibliss VIII".}

THATKIDSAM: No, you couldn't mean my school's headmaster. Anyway, I'm just going to call this another one of those emails that are sent to me but, in reality, are adressed to somebody else. {Sigh} I guess I'll just go play with The Leet. Hope he likes manual labor... {Leaves}

{Cut to the Red Vortex Flagship, where ThatkidSamus is already reading the email.}

THATKIDSAMUS: ...Shrimp-Sham-Sam, the cow puncher. Wow, you punch cows for a living? I wish that was my job. Oh, right. I don't at all. I have the coolest job in the world - Killing things through time travel! Mitchell only dreams of this kind of thing. {Clears screen by clapping} Anyway, Popcorn-Shrimp-Sham-Sam, I already WAS the universal headmaster! Acutally, it was more like "Universal Principal". ...Now that I think about it, it was more like "Universal Student" or "Universal Teacher" or even "Universal Janitor". Oh, well. There's always today.

{Cut to a headline reading "Universal Headmaster Mysteriously Murdered, New Headmaster Chosen!!" Then, after a few seconds, cut to the Headmaster Space to see Thatkidsamus's office.}

THATKIDSAMUS: Well, it's good to know my murd- I mean, the Headmaster's death allowed me to use the powers I could never use. Let's try this out... {Grabs the Fire Elemental Sphere}

{A really generic RPG magic sequence starts. ThatkidSamus holds the sphere and charges, and his armor tints red. He begins to talk in a low voice.}

THATKIDSAMUS: God of Fire, Ifrit... I call upon your blazing inferno powers to summon hellfire onto my enemies! {Eyes flash red} FIRAJA!

{Out of ThatkidSamus' blaster bursts millions of... Gallons of water?}

THATKIDSAMUS: Ugh, I need to practice more often.

A lot of elemental training later...

THATKIDSAMUS: {Looking over the planets} As I look down upon you, I just happen to notice how good you are for target practice. {Holds the Wind elemental sphere and focuses, sending large lightning bolts down to one of them} Now, let's see which one that is: Oh, crap! I just sent magnetic storms to the Museum Planet! Cancel! Cancel! Oh, I have to do this. {Holds the Earth elemental sphere and fires tons of rocks} Wait... The rocks aren't going fast enough... Crap.

{The camera zooms in on The Museum Planet which turns out to be Earth. Inside a museum, a robotic tour guide is rambling about trilobites to aliens when, suddenly, millions of electric bolts crash down on the ground.}

TOUR GUIDE: What you say!?

FEMALE ALIEN: Oh dear, I do believe those plasmatic strikes are sending shocking things down my spine, husband.

{The aliens run away, and some of the fossils in the walls start to shake. All of the trilobite fossils shake, destroying the rocks around them, and they fall out onto the floor. They twitch, and grow several times larger. They start to hover above the ground. One grows incredibly large and gold. They start to make strange, throaty noises, but subtitles appear below them.}

GOLD TRILOBIAN: (We appear to be back in our normal form. I feel free.)

TRILOBIAN GRUNT #1: (Yeah! WOO! We're back and ready to wreak havoc!)

{A red crosshair appears on the tour guide. Electrical crackles appear around the Gold Trilobian, and the tour guide is cast in the air and frozen with electricity. A red crosshair appears on a "Dinoshaur's Tooth". More electrical crackles appear around the Gold Trilobian, and the tour guide and the tooth fly toward each other, seemingly by magnetic forces.}

FEMALE ALIEN: The cockroaches are flying! FLYING!

TRILOBIAN GRUNT #2: (We are not cockroaches, IDIOT! We are the mighty race of Trilobians, resurrected after an eon's sleep!)

{The Gold Trilobian uses magnetic forces to repel the female alien into the wall.}

GOLD TRILOBIAN: (Good job. Let us spread grief to those who mistake us for twitchy bugs!)

{One of the grunts gets shocked somehow, and falls to the ground, rolls over and twitches... Exactly like a cockroach.}

GOLD TRILOBIAN: (YOU! You're the one who's making the humans mistake us for cockroaches! Why? Why are you doing this?)

TRILOBIAN GRUNT #3: (It... It's fun, my master.)

TRILOBIAN GRUNT #2: (Request permission to cross-meld?)

GOLD TRILOBIAN: (Permission granted. Bring him out of my sight.)

{One of the Trilobian Grunts fires an electric band at the faulty grunt, attatching him to the ground. He then is surrounded by electrical crackles, and... Millions of boulders rain down upon the planet. One of them hits the Gold Trilobian, and the grunts immidiately stop and help him. The faulty grunt quickly floats away.}

TRILOBIAN GRUNT #2: (NO! Are you okay, My Electricness?)

GOLD TRILOBIAN: {Electrical sparkles, tosses boulder off} (Of course I am! Just... Get that traitor!)

{All of the grunts fly to the right of the screen, and the Gold Trilobian soon follows.}

{Cut to MMO-RPG, where Brash is moving furniture out of ThatkidSamus' room and putting it in his. He suddenly drops a chair and pulls out a ridiculously tiny cell phone, which is playing a screechy video game MIDI.}

BRASH: Yeah?

{The scene is split and a red blur crosses the screen, and the Galactic Federation President appears on the other side.}

GALACTIC FEDERATION PRESIDENT: Brash! We need your help! All of our agents are gone, and we've recieved a plea from a small alien to harbor him when his masters come searching for him. You have the Monster Pyramids! You're the only one who can do it!

BRASH: But I lost mine at the-

{The President hangs up, and the entire screen goes back to Brash. He walks offscreen and finds them.}

BRASH: Who would've thought ThatkidSamus keeps his Monster Pyramids inside his boxers drawer?

{Cut to the Galactic Federation Space Station. Brash comes in through a door, and the faulty Trilobian grunt is flying around near him.}

GALACTIC FEDERATION PRESIDENT: Ah! You're here, Agent 770. You see, ever since Agent 404 left, you're our top agent.

BRASH: Oh, ThatkidSamus. I never found out where he went.

{The green planet seen through the windows in the station explodes, and some of ThatkidSamus' faint evil laughter is heard.}

ZYX (TRILOBIAN GRUNT): (You! You're the one that tall person said to look for. First off, I am Zyxxy Zyx, a proud member of the Trilobian race. We destroyed the dinosaurs, and we were then buried by an endless assault of snow and rock.)

BRASH: You're kinda small for the scourge of dinosaurs, Zyx.

ZYX: (Shut up. I can electrify things.)

BRASH: Can you make toast?

ZYX: (Urgh... I can tell I won't like working with you. Anyway, we were recently awakened by a powerful electric charge, and I got caught communicating with another race.)

BRASH: Okay, but can you- {Throws a Monster Pyramid at Zyx, sucking him into it, and the pyramid flies back into his hand} Ha!

ZYX: (Is this one of those alien devices that force me to do all your cock-fighting for you?)

BRASH: The cockiest of the fighting.

ZYX: (Well, you may be eons ahead of us, but your technology is dated.) {Breaks out of the pyramid}

BRASH: How did you... How did you do that?

ZYX: (Through magnetic forces, it is extremely easy to repel a confinement from around me.)

BRASH: Man... If you can get out of a monster pyramid, how powerful can your leaders be!? That's insane!

GALACTIC FEDERATION PRESIDENT: Zyx, you mentioned something about Chain Plasma, or something.

ZYX: (Oh, the Chain Plasma EMP? Well, if my previous master's plan succeeds, an extremely large electronic pulse will be activated in the center of the universe, destroying anything that operates on electricity, thus ending most civilizations, including the humans and the Soolndwalkers you talk about.)

GALACTIC FEDERATION PRESIDENT: ...How much time do we have!?

ZYX: (If I heard correctly, we have approximately two hours from... About one and a half hours ago.)

GALACTIC FEDERATION PRESIDENT: {Speechless} ...Hh... Agent 770, grab the Rheiard and go! Go towards the center of the universe!

BRASH: But I don't know how to-

{Brash is thrown out of the space station, and floats toward a weird bird-shaped vehicle. He sits in the seat, and presses a few buttons.}

BRASH: Now, let's see... Which button do I... It's this one... Oh, wait! It's not-

{Brash is ejected forward at an amazing speed.}

BRASH: Aww, crap.

A long while later...

{Brash is still floating in space, and he suddenly hits a large, purple wall. The camera zooms out to show a ton of Trilobians flying around inside, with an unusually large sign that says "THIS IS THE CHAIN PLASMA EMP PLACE! If you aren't a Trilobian, forget what this sign said."}

BRASH: What are the chances of this?

{Brash's cell phone rings again.}

GALACTIC FEDERATION PRESIDENT: Brash! Are you at the center of the universe?

BRASH: How did you know that? I just got here!

GALACTIC FEDERATION PRESIDENT: Well, duh! The Rheiards are set to eject you to the center of the universe! I knew I would need those someday...

BRASH: That's an oddly convenient machine. Where'd you get it?

GALACTIC FEDERATION PRESIDENT: The black market, but that doesn't matter! You have to break into the central computer before it activates an explosion, setting off extremely powerful chain EMPs, destroying all-

{A beeping is heard, and all of the Trilobians fly out of the building housing the bomb. It explodes, setting off the chain EMPs. Quickly cut to the Headmaster Space, where ThatkidSamus is sleeping. The EMP shockwaves are seen, destroying a lot of orbiting space stations, crashing them down upon their home planets.}

THATKIDSAMUS: {Quickly wakes up} I sense... Trouble in the universe. Oh, well. I must have dropped my burger. I'll get it later. {Falls back asleep}

{Omni runs across the screen, leaving a banner with the message "Click Here to E-Mail Thatkidsam @ [email protected]".}

Easter Eggs

• Click on the Trilobians to see a scene with the tour guide.

{Cut to the Tour Guide in front of a skeleton with a hunched-over back.}

TOUR GUIDE: This skeleton called Nocturne. It big and jumpy. It die in pile of meat. FUNTIME! Speculators speculate that speculations of this skeleton would actually look like this:

{A picture of a slightly different Yeoldesam appears, with a black cloak.}

• Click on ThatkidSamus' ship to see an alternate revival for the Trilobians.

{Cut to a Stinkoman 20X6-esque video game screen. The "boss music" is playing, and the trilobite fossil breaks apart and the Trilobian comes out. It grows and flies to the right side of the screen.}

Fun Facts

• Thatkidsam references the other two Other Character Email Gunhaver running gags while trying to pronounce the third running gag.
• The entire "Universal Headmaster" subject is a reference to marbles, a Tampo email.
• "Firaja" is a reference to Final Fantasy where the spells have Japanese suffixes (Thunder, Thundara, Thundaga). "-Aja" is "four", and therefore more powerful than Fira or Firaga.
• Trilobites are prehistoric bony fish similar to Horseshoe crabs.
• The second easter egg is a reference to Stinkoman 20X6 where Tampo came out of the robot body in a very similar way.
• If you pause the email while the red blur crosses the screen in the phone conversation, it will be Viewtiful Joe. The reason he appears is unknown.
• The Rheiards are from Tales of Symphonia.

Author's Comments

• Rating: C
• Kind of tedious, but... Oh well. I didn't know I would start a new plot this early.