Thatkidsam.muffin/milkman

Overview

Thatkidsam Email #60

Part #6 in Finding Stinko

Thatkidsam battles the Jolly Old Milkman and causes a paradox as Red Vortex tries to stop it.

Cast (in order of appearance): Thatladsamuel, Jolly Old Milkman, Bubs, The King of Town, Red Vortex Soldiers, Opal

Places: Unkind Mushrooms Aircraft, The Tree Limb, Aircraft Hang-Ar, Bubs' Concession Stand

Computer: Unpopular Mailbox

Date: September 3, 2005

Lines: 148

Transcript

{Cut to Thatladsamuel in the Unkind Mushrooms Aircraft, reading "The News-Papper Thymes".}

THATLADSAMUEL: I do believe it's about time to check my mail.

{Thatladsamuel jumps out the bottom of the aircraft. Cut to The Tree Limb, where Thatladsamuel has his head lying on the ground, barely impaled on The Tree Limb..}

THATLADSAMUEL: I say, that is a rather painful tree limb to fall on! {Stands up and daintily plucks the twig out of his head and fastens it into the ground} It's time to walk over to my unpopular mailbox! {Walks with a rather large spring in his step over to the side of the screen}

{Cut to the Unpopular Mailbox. Thatladsamuel whistles as he pulls out a letter. He is interrupted by Thatkidsam.}

THATKIDSAM: Hey, you! You seen Stinkoman around here? Or a weird portal?

THATLADSAMUEL: Why, it's that oddly-colored person! Stinkoman? Are you making the fun of me? And I haven't seen a Port-A-John since the letterman payed a visit to our estate.

THATKIDSAM: Um... Okay... But have you seen a red guy?

THATLADSAMUEL: Red? Everyone's well-read around here!

THATKIDSAM: Ugh... Just meet me outside the laser cave.

THATLADSAMUEL: What are you saying, lad? I'm going to give your mouth a worsh until you be talking the right way!

THATKIDSAM: You utterly confuse me. {Walks off slowly}

Dear Thatladsamuel,
I am the Milkman.
My milk is delicious.
Come to the Aircraft Hang-Ar if you want
your blimp to survive.

-The Jolly Old Milkman

THATLADSAMUEL: Well, I'll be danged! It's the Jolly Old Milkman, and he is not being as nice as a jolly old milkman should! I must take a long stroll to the Aircraft Hang-Ar and see what all this hoopla is about. {"Strolls" to the right side of the screen}

{Thatkidsam walks onto the screen, muttering.}

THATKIDSAM: Ugh... Did he just mention the milkman? That's...

{A black circle appears in the center of the screen. A police-officer-looking man appears inside it.}

BOYD: I am the milkman. My milk is delicious.

{Boyd throws a flaming can of milk to burn down a building.}

BOYD: There will be no evidence left. Only milk.

{The black circle disappears.}

THATKIDSAM: Oh no, he's going unarmed! I'll have to save him! But he's one of the fastest Olympic strollers in town... Those history books taught me something! I'll have to catch up somehow! It's time for some... P to the W to the N-AGE!

{The background blurs as Thatkidsam's eyes glow pure red and the word "PWNAGE" flashes on the bottom of the screen. He unsheathes his daggers and lengens them. Everything stops to a halt as Thatkidsam runs forward. Everything blurs really, really hard, and then he arrives at the Aircraft Hang-Ar.}

JOLLY OLD MILKMAN: {Voice from inside the hangar} Behold the awesome power of my MilkMech!

THATLADSAMUEL: {Voice from inside the hangar} Please stop it, Mr. Milkman! You're spilling a magically delicious white liquid on my lovely jacket!

THATKIDSAM: Oh, no! Thatladsamuel's in trouble! If he gets angry enough, I think he'll explode! Hey, wait a minute...

{The black circle appears in the center again, showing "Thatladsamuel + Death = Death (Thatkidsam)".}

THATKIDSAM: If he gets angry and explodes, I'll be erased from time! But...

{The text is replaced by "Jolly Old Milkman + Death = Death (Milkman)"}

THATKIDSAM: If I kill that milkman guy, everything that Milkman did in 2003 will be erased! That'll mean...

{Several shots of a glamorous Bubs' Concession Stand, a huge, futuristic tower made out of a giant The Stick, and a dead King of Town appear.}

THATKIDSAM: Cool, all sorts of things will happen! Let's do this!

THATLADSAMUEL: {Voice from inside the hangar} NOOO! PLEASE STOP IT, MILKMAN!

THATKIDSAM: I'd better hurry.

{Cut to inside the Hangar, finally, where The Jolly Old Milkman is in a huge black-and-white run-down mech. It has claws and several lasers around the dome containing the Jolly Old Milkman. The dome connects to a huge iron torso which connects to a large set of tank treads. Thatladsamuel is on his knees.}

THATKIDSAM: Hello, Milkman. Tried COKE lately? {Teleports behind the mech and does some slicing}

JOLLY OLD MILKMAN: I do not believe you are making much sense. There will be no evidence left of you and your ancestor: Only milk.

THATKIDSAM: {Continuing to slice, suddenly cuts something big} Woah! {Jumps backwards as sparks fly out}

{The Jolly Old Milkman throws a switch and the mech transforms. The claws go back into the body and the treads spread out. A giant cannon shoots out the back and rotates to the front.}

JOLLY OLD MILKMAN: Prepare to have your time period ravaged, filthy human of the future! {Fires the cannon and it goes through a red portal}

THATKIDSAM: What the crap are you doing!?

{Cut to a shot of The Stick. A red portal appears and a giant energy ball shoots out of it and forms a particularly large crater where it used to be.}

THATKIDSAM: What are you...

JOLLY OLD MILKMAN: Ha ha ha ha... HA HA HA HA!!! {Fires again}

{Cut to a bird's eye view of Free Country. The sky turns red and several energy balls rain down on it, destroying most of it.}

THATKIDSAM: You... {Lenghens daggers to the point that they take up the entire screen} WILL PAY!!

{Thatkidsam goes insane with his daggers. Several pieces of the MilkMech are destroyed, but the dome and the cannon remains.}

JOLLY OLD MILKMAN: You cannot destroy me. You will only destroy yourself.

THAKIDSAM: ...What?

{Cut to yet another black circle. A starving Thatladsamuel is in it.}

JOLLY OLD MILKMAN: {Narrarating} I once found Thatladsamuel starving on the ground in my neighborhood. Mistaking him for a poor hobo, I tossed him some of my special, normal milk. He drank up and survived. I then, about 50 years later, discovered my awful mistake, letting him survive. His decendant, you, managed to screw up time completely and, being a Red Vortex person, I was... {Black circle disappears} HA HA HA HA!!! {Fires the cannon}

THATKIDSAM: You crappy piece of...

{Cut to a very glitched-up Gruffy Guff Mushrooms. A red portal opens and an energy ball hits it and destroys it. Everything flashes red.}

THATKIDSAM: What did you DO?

JOLLY OLD MILKMAN: My work here is done. {The MilkMech transforms into a plane and tries to fly away}

{Everything flashes red again.}

THATKIDSAM: What the crap is going on here?

JOLLY OLD MILKMAN: Oh, no... I created another paradox!

{Cut to Thatkidsam landing in 1938. He diappears. Cut to several other shots of Thatkidsam in previous emails until he finally disappears from the Gruffy Guff Mushrooms blimp, which is destroyed.}

JOLLY OLD MILKMAN: It was part of my training not to! I must terminate myself before they find out...

{Several Red Vortex Soldiers pour into the room as the MilkMech explodes.}

RED VORTEX SOLDIER #1: Good, he's terminated himself to stop any future paradoxes.

RED VORTEX SOLDIER #2: Good ol' Milkman was a good guy, all right. Let's fix the fabric to stop the paradox that will stop him from terminating himself.

{Both pull out huge purple devices and fire them, shooting out wavy purple-and-red beams. Everything flashes white and the beams stop.}

RED VORTEX SOLDIER #1: We cannot stop the paradoxes at this point. They are too big, but we got rid of some of them.

THATKIDSAM: What happened?

RED VORTEX SOLDIER #1: We cannot restore The Milkman back, or the paradoxes will be back. Everything he will do in the future is eliminated, but the things he did before will remain.

THATKIDSAM: Crap, that means my blimp is gone! But... YAY! That means Icreature is dead!

RED VORTEX SOLDIER #2: Oh, about that... We were able to preserve the lives inside it before he destroyed it, but the chemical formulas and reduxes and grammatic proportionismilismisns...

THATKIDSAM: {Interrupting} So Icreature is still alive? Crap.

RED VORTEX SOLDIER #2: Crap indeed. We also recieved help from a volunteer soldier.

THATKIDSAM: Who would that be?

{Another soldier comes in.}

RED VORTEX SOLDIER #3: Hey, hey, hey Thatkidsam!

THATKIDSAM: If you're Hyperma, I'm going to kill you.

RED VORTEX SOLDIER #3: I'm not that weird guy. Remember me?

{The soldier takes off its helmet, revealing to be a long-haired blonde girl. Cut to a still shot of her. It zooms in on the bottom, then scrolls upward as soft music plays. The music stops and Thatkidsam turns scarlet.}

THATKIDSAM: O-Opal? H-hi. {Turns redder}

OPAL: You don't look so good. Are you sick?

{Thatkidsam's head spontaneously bursts into flames for a moment. He then runs away.}

OPAL: ...?

{Cut to Thatkidsam running.}

THATKIDSAM: Good thing Bubs has shelter. That person...

{A swirling black-and-white portal is in front of him. He skids to a halt.}

THATKIDSAM: Where's this lead? Could be dangerous...

{Opal is running toward him.}

OPAL: Sam! Wait up!

THATKIDSAM: It's now or never! {Jumps in and the portal disappears}

OPAL: Aww, I'll never catch him now!

{The portal opens near a destroyed King of Town's castle.}

THATKIDSAM: Woah! I guess nobody has gotten around to rebuilding this town yet... If I had that time travel thing, I'd travel a few months into the future, but...

{Off in the distance, Bubs calls Thatkidsam in a muffled voice.}

BUBS: Mmmphf!

{Cut to a giant dome, where Bubs' torso is trapped under one of the sides.}

THATKIDSAM: Bubs! You okay?

BUBS: Well, whaddaya know? It's Thatkidsam! Couldya help me out here? Press the button on the top.

{Thatkidsam does a dramatic jump and presses the button. The dome retracts revealing a really, really big Bubs' Concession Stand.}

BUBS: {Breathing heavily, stands up} Thanks a ton! I was getting hungry. Want me to give you the grand tour of my newly-renovated mall?

THATKIDSAM: ...Bubs... That's amazing! You'll be more popular than Fashionmore!

BUBS: It's mostly just empty space, but we have all the old stuff and new specialty sales and a new members' card that earns you a negative dollar a purchase!

THATKIDSAM: That's a great idea, Bubs! But... I have no place to stay, some guy blasted my blimp outta the sky. Could I stay at your place?

BUBS: Finally, there's a use for all that extra basement room I bought! I'll show you to your room.

{Cut to a really, really, really big room with beds, TVs, a sno-cone machine, and a Gameslayer}

THATKIDSAM: Woah... Wait, YOU have a Gameslayer?

BUBS: Did you think I didn't play video games in my spare time?

THATKIDSAM: This is gonna be AWESOME!

{Omni runs across the screen, leaving a banner with the message "Click Here to E-Mail Thatkidsam @ [email protected]".}

Easter Eggs

• Click on Bubs to see Shortstar Runner's Rebels.

STRONG SAD F: We haven't had a reappearance yet!

THE WORM 3.5: Up, down. Up. More up. {Sounds like, "whuh, yah, whuh, whuh-whuh-whuh-whuh," and climbs to the top of the screen}

SHORTSTAR RUNNER: Don't worry, guys. We'll have our way. {Lowers eyebrows}

• Click on Thatkidsam to see Thatladsamuel in therapy.

PSYCHIATRIST: Relax, and welcome to Paradox Sighting Therapy. Do not strain your muscles, or try to move.

THATLADSAMUEL: {In a straitjacket} I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE SOME RADICAL FUTURE MAN COMES AND MESSES EVERYTHING UP!!!

PSYCHIATRIST: You have seen a paradox. Do not become insane, or you will be forced to trade in your aircraft for one with padded walls.

THATLADSAMUEL: PARA-THINGIES!!! MUFFINCRAZY PIZZA ICE CREAM CHICKEN ICE CREAM ARRRRGGGBLBLBLBLBBLBLBLBLBLLL!!!!

• Click on one of the beds to see Stinkoman in a coma in the middle of a desert.

Fun Facts

• The paradox The Jolly Old Milkman created is as follows: Thatkidsam was in the Gruffy Guff Mushrooms at the time it was destroyed. That meant he would never be teleported to the future, then teleported to 1938, which would stop the paradox from happening.
• The "News-Papper Times" is a reference to That A Ghost, where The Homestar Runner mentioned a News-Papper.
• "Magically delicious liquid" is a reference to Lucky Charms and a phrase constantly used in their ads, "It's magically delicious".
• Thatladsamuel's mention of "Pizza Ice Cream" and "Chicken Ice Cream" are a reference to the Ice Machine email, flava.
• One of the Red Vortex soldiers mentions "grammatic proportionismilismisns". That is a phrase that Markie often says.
• The final easter egg is a reference to how Stinkoman was never actually found.
• The still shot of Opal is a reference to Sigma Star Saga in which both heroines were introduced in this way.

Author's Comments

• Rating: B-
• This was a good ending that ties up the loose ends. And the paradox was kinda cool. The Bubs' Concession Stand didn't make sense in the first run through it, but I fixed it.

Author Commentary

THE NOID: I AM THE MILKMAN MY MILK IS DELICOUS!

THATKIDSAM: What he means is, welcome to the commentary.

THE NOID: Yes. Welcome to the milk-er, I mean commentarry. The whole Milkman thing is based off of the game Psychonauts, for all you readers at home... or somewhere else.

THATKIDSAM: Yeah. I could FINALLY use all the Psychonauts references and unleash them on you puny weaklings! BWA HA HA!! Or something.

THE NOID: WE LURVE PSYCHONAUTS!! Anyawys, did you know that the origonal version of Razpution was a blue kid in a green sweater. Named dart? He's in the end.

THATKIDSAM: Yeah, I saw that. And I like the giant MegaCensor. So, that was a toastpaint. "Are you making the fun of me?" Heh. I love making old-timey people.

THE NOID: WE LURVE MAKING FUN OF OLD-TIMEY PEOPLE!!! ... Anyways, this email had really good writing.

THATKIDSAM: Yeah. The whole paradox-thing and making sure it all made sense without any plot holes took a couple weeks. That's why it took three weeks to make.

THE NOID: Yeah, I have to say it was proody confusing...by the way, is Jolly Old Milkman his Old-Timey form?

THATKIDSAM: You got it.

THE NOID: His 20X6 version should be some overly-powerfull cyborg mega guy. Like "Goggleor" or something.

THATKIDSAM: Heh. Goggalor would be good. And I know what Coach Oleander's would be: Tampo. If Trevor didn't already exist. You know, being a powerful psychic and everything...

THE NOID: Oh yeah. He's more powerfull than Sasha or Milla, if you check the first scene. When he got knocked down neither of them could keep Raz up. Lobobto would be like...another Tampo. And Sheegor would be a girly Tampo. Gloria creeps me out.

THATKIDSAM: Let's stop toastpainting so the readers can understand us. {Talking along with Thatladsamuel} "You're getting a magically delicious white fluid on my lovely jacket!" Classic Thatladsamuel. CLASSIC ZILCH!

THE NOID: Heh. That is pretty funny.

THATKIDSAM: {Talking along with Thatkidsam} Hey, milkman! Tried COKE lately? Heh... Sounds like one of those cool action movies where the terrorist is hanging on to the rocket and the main character says "You're fired!" and fires the rocket. Or something like that.

THE NOID: Ah yes. That is funny. "Hey Munchie, MUNCH ON THIS!!"

THATKIDSAM: Here's the part where the present is nearly destroyed. Me likey.

THE NOID: Ah yeah. Thats a good part. And then there is the part with the Bubs thing. Good email, this was.

THATKIDSAM: The paradox was pretty confusing, though.

THE NOID: Makes my head hurt.

THATKIDSAM: Yeah... Ooh! Here's a pretty big Sigma Star Saga reference barely anyone will get. I like making that kind of reference. It makes me feel fuzzy inside. Wait a minute, what?

THE NOID: Beats me.

THATKIDSAM: Now that I think of it, the events that take place in my emails have caused me to never be able to use Stinkoman, the King of Town, or Mrs. Regibliss (except in the future). Crap. Anyway, it looks like we don't have enough time to go on. I liked working with ya, Noidster.