Thatkidsam.muffin/grapefruit overlord

Overview

Thatkidsam E-Mail #35

ThatkidSamus invades Planet Cuppincakes. Meanwhile, Brash tries to take on the odd, fruity, tasty Time Rippers.

Cast (in order of appearance): Thatkidsam, ThatkidSamus, The Leet², The MechaViper, The Hoverchair, Jack Johnson, Brash (easter egg), The Time Rippers (easter egg), Cowfighter (easter egg)

Places: Masdiktaht Jet, MMO-RPG, Planet Cuppincakes, Planet Cul (easter egg)

Computer: Playstation 832

Date: April 19th, 2005

Lines: 59

Transcript

{Thatkidsam is walking in, both mumbling and humming to a song.}

THATKIDSAM: Pull the trigger and the nightmare... {Notices camera} Woah! Hey, don't you people know anything? It's email number 35! It's time for a flash-forward to 7838! Um... Bye! {Leaves}

{The screen transitions to 7838. Cut to ThatkidSamus on the PlayStation 832.}

THATKIDSAMUS: {Starts bobbing his head and singing to metal music} Check the email and the nightmare stops! Check the email and the nightmare stops! Check the email and the nightmare stops! Something, something, something, something...

Dear Thatkidsamus
We are under attack! The Time Rippers are trying to
destroy our area with time machines, and we can't
fight them off! You are our only hope!
Signing off,

Cul

THATKIDSAMUS: Hm... Time rippers... You mean, those weird fruity bouncy guys? Hm... I would help, but there's just one thing wrong with that... YOU DIDN'T LEAVE THE NAME OF YOUR PLANET!! Or anything remotely helpful, for that matter! How am I supposed to help someone who didn't leave their address!? Hm... Maybe I could just guess away until I get to your home planet. {Sarcastically} Yeah, that'll work! {Normal} Hm... Where is my copy of Star Map 3.00b?

{ThatkidSamus pulls out a disc labeled "Star Map 2" and turns it on. He clicks "Random Planet," and it flips through a long list of planets. It lands on a yellow planet labeled "PLANET CUL".}

THATKIDSAMUS: Well, that surely isn't- Hey! Cul!? Isn't that your name? Well, surely it isn't your homeplanet. Seriously... Naming planets after tiny inhabitants... {Snickers} Just like Mario World, or MegaLand, or Bomber Planet, or the Jack Johnson Memorial...

{Some more text appears under "PLANET CUL". It says "CURRENTLY UNDER ATTACK BY TIME RIPPERS".}

THATKIDSAMUS: Hm. Well, Cul, you've got me. I can't really save your planet because, um, I'm, uh... On vacation. Yup. Vacation at my workstation. That's the best kind of vacation. But don't throw a full pitcher of Crystal Light yet! I'll forward this to someone.

{ThatkidSamus quickly types another email and doesn't read it aloud.}

Dear Agent 770 aka Brash,
Head to Planet Cul and destroy the
Time Rippers and do it quick!

-The Federation and ThatkidSamus

THATKIDSAMUS: There! Brash will take care of that. And me, I'll just sit here.

{ThatkidSamus recieves another email.}

Dear Agent 404 aka ThatkidSamus,
Head to Planet Cuppincakes to
destroy the soldiers there. It is
urgent, and it needs to be done.

-The Federation

THATKIDSAMUS: WHAT!? But I'm on vacation!

Dear Agent 404 aka ThatkidSamus,
You liar.

-The Federation

THATKIDSAMUS: Aw... Okay. {Gets up and slumps to the door}

{Cut to a grid of nine squares, each with pictures of planets on them. ThatkidSamus chooses the one labeled "Planet Cuppincakes" and a theme song plays as his ship flies to it. He is now at the foot of a fortress.}

THATKIDSAMUS: Woah... This place is huge... How am I going to get through this?

{A glowing orb drops out of the sky.}

THATKIDSAMUS: Wow! Isn't that a HyperDeath^TM laser?

{The Leet² flies by in a helicopter.}

THE LEET²: (Dang it, I dropped another HyperDeath^TM gun! Stupid cargo door... I need to get it fixed.)

THATKIDSAMUS: Well... I would have expected this since all video games make that sort of thing happen in just the right place. Well, I'm off to destroy some robots!

{Cut to ThatkidSamus having some trouble on a puzzle.}

THATKIDSAMUS: NO!!! It's one of those disappering block puzzles!!

{He's right. The camera zooms out to show a bunch of appearing then shortly disappearing blocks. They start appearing in a pattern.}

THATKIDSAMUS: Okay... Have to be calm... {Jumps onto one, but it disappears and he falls} AGH!!! {Lands on the spikes and doesn't die} Hm... Why am I not dead? Oh, my metal boots protect me from these thorns. Heh heh heh... Stupid video games... {Notices that his energy bar is draining} Oh, crap! They're poisoned! And I can't get up! {His energy keeps draining and he explodes}

{He is at the game over screen.}

THATKIDSAMUS: WHAT!? Game over? But I just started! ...Oh, I only had one life for the whole game.

{Game over music starts to play. ThatkidSamus gets really annoyed.}

THATKIDSAMUS: Heck with this! {Presses "continue" and jumps into a starship}

{A long while later, ThatkidSamus is supposedly confronting the final boss.}

THATKIDSAMUS: Face it, MechaViper! You're going down!

{The MechaViper, a mechanical version of The Worm, comes out of his hole.}

THE MECHAVIPER: How deed you know dat I was here?

THATKIDSAMUS: We've got someone on the inside.

{The camera shifts to show The Hoverchair, a robotic version of The Wheelchair, being nervous.}

THE HOVERCHAIR: Um... Aheheh... Boiled... Cabbage... Heheheh...

THE MECHAVIPER: I knew dat. Dat's why I am hiding in thees hole! Now, bring da fight! {Comes all the way out of the hole}

{ThatkidSamus shrugs and pulls on The MechaViper. The hole comes out of the ground in a cartoony fashion and lands on The MechaViper as a large pot. The Hoverchair hovers over to it.}

THE HOVERCHAIR: Mmm, boiled holiday cabbage!

THATKIDSAMUS: So, that little garter snake was the ruler of this entire fortress?

THE HOVERCHAIR: No, this wasn't even the fortress you were supposed to go to! The real one's over there. {Points with one of his handles out the window}

THATKIDSAMUS: Aw, another fortress? Let's make this quick. {Looks out the window} AAAAAAAGH!!!

{The camera shows the fortress. It reaches above the atmosphere.}

THE HOVERCHAIR: But I'll cover for ya. {His handles turn into lasers and his wheels become spiked.}

THATKIDSAMUS: YOu're a good agent, Agent 678.

THE HOVERCHAIR: I'm a real boy! {His seat uncurls, revealing tons of rocket launchers}

{A Dreamcast swirl unrolls a message reading "Click Here to E-Mail Thatkidsam @ [email protected]".}

Easter Eggs

• When ThatkidSamus mentions the Jack Johnson memorial, click on the screen to see Icreature firing a huge laser at a two-headed statue (Presumably the Jack Johnson memorial).
• Wait around for 5 seconds to see Brash.

{Meanwhile, on Planet Cul...}

{Brash is holding his head and screaming while evil, cloaked grapefruits attack the city.}

TIME RIPPER #1 Ha ha ha! Our grapefruity goodness is taking over the city!

{Another Time Ripper activates a time machine.}

TIME RIPPER #1: Over the city! ...What? Stop playing with the machines!

TIME RIPPER #2: A hah ha ha ha ha!! ...Sorry.

TIME RIPPER #3: Guys, get ready for the launch of our secret weapon!

TIME RIPPER #1: Roger! {Holds a huge spoon}

{An even larger grapefruit rolls and splits itself in half. The first Time Ripper smashes the grapefruit with the spoon, squirting acidic juice everywhere.}

BRASH: Aaah! My eye!

{One of them activates the time machine repeatedly!.}

BRASH: My eye! ...My eye! ...My eye! ...My eye! ...Eye!

TIME RIPPER #3: Now that's good use of the time machine, soldier. The Grapefruit Overlord will be pleased.

• Click on the time machine after this easter egg to see the Cowcopter.

{ThatkidSamus and Cowfighter are in a room.}

COWFIGHTER: You see, the planets are in pefect alignment, and the stars were too, and we all wanted to have some lemonade. So, I went to the lemon tree and got some lemons, and it turned out that the gods were vengeful, so the lemon attacked me, and it told me to challenge the Federation to-

THATKIDSAMUS: Shut up! Nobody likes the really long cut scenes before the final boss!

COWFIGHTER: But the lemon-

THATKIDSAMUS: SHUT UP!!

Fun Facts

• The song Thatkidsam is singing and ThatkidSamus' email song are both the song "Three Evils (Embodied in Love and Shadow)".
• When ThatkidSamus is snickering about places named after their inhabitants, only Bomber Planet is real. Instead of Mario World, it's the Mushroom Kingdom, and Mega Man's area is yet to be named.
• The thing ThatkidSamus says about Crystal Light is a variant of one said in dangeresque 3.
• Crystal Light is an actual drink similar to Kool-Aid.
• The agent numbers are all area codes for Georgia. (404, 770, 678).

Author's Comments

• Rating: B-
• This took a REALLY long time to make. It got cut short. That's all I'm going to say.

Author Commentary

THATKIDSAM: Yeah! Let's commentate TEH ALMIGHTY GRAPEFRUIT!!

EKUL: Sheesh, Cul sends you all the SpaceWarrior stuff, doesn't he?

THATKIDSAM: Well, I think Laser Printer sent me something once. But Cul sends me most of the COOL spacewarrior stuff... Not saying that prize wasn't cool...

{The Email pauses. A link to prize flashes onscreen. It starts playing again}

EKUL: Yeah. That's definitely a prime example. By the way, Time Rippers were from Roger Wilco's Space Quest IV, Roger Wilco and the Time Rippers, where they try to kill Roger, and-

THATKIDSAM: ...I don't get the reference. So, yeah. Heh... Who writes an email saying "You liar." anyway?

EKUL: {Instantly} Federation. Those guys are so demanding and always want to be right.

THATKIDSAM: That grid of nine squares with planets on them is a pretty obvious Mega Man reference, I hope you got it. What with the little fanfare that plays.

EKUL: I've only ever played megaman legends. You know the old 3d game for the PS1.

THATKIDSAM: {Shudders} That game had some good parts, but I'd rather play Mega Man Collection and the other classic games. Seriously, it's WAY too easy to accidentally overwrite your save files in that game.

EKUL: Yeah... I love that game, but you practically need two saved games to play it, because of overwriting.

THATKIDSAM: Trust me: Playing it when you're only 7 years old is NOT a good idea.

EKUL: Yeah... Oh, and here, Thatkidsamus use those spike boots that for some reason keep you from getting poisoned.

THATKIDSAM: God, I hate those disappearing block puzzles. They're really annoying.

EKUL: Yeah... They just... suck. Anything in videogames that includes blcok platforms suck.

THATKIDSAM: Well, everything is made of blocks... Just those little platforms that you have to jump on in order just make me want to destroy everything.

EKUL: You know what else sucks? The time limit stuff. {Shudders}

THATKIDSAM: WHY!?? WHY MUST YOU MENTION THE SCOURGE OF GAMING!?!?

EKUL: Not all of it, I mean the part where there's an annoying timer that clicks annoyingly.

THATKIDSAM: Especially when there's 10 seconds left, and the numbers turn red, and they get bigger. And the music speeds up. That sucks.

EKUL: On a more related not, the Mechaviper and the Hoverchair scare me. Sweet Cuppin' cakes is just... Disturbing. In any form.

THATKIDSAM: Hey, at least they're on our side.

EKUL: That almost makes it worst, actually. Have you ever tried to make the Cowcopter pass the salt? I had to clean my clothes and feathers for months....

THATKIDSAM: {Laughs} Poor Brash. I probably should have done it myself. Then again, it WAS a good use of a time machine.

EKUL: Yeah... In short, that was a good video game email. See you!