User:Ekul/Email/86

Overview

Ekul gets threatened and something breaks again

Cast (in order of appearance): Ekul, Mike Control, Army, Kyves, Loyalshot, Homeschool, C11, Coach Z, Homestar

Transcript

{Ekul sits down at the Trandy}

EKUL: Okay, Trandy. What have you got for me today?

Dear Ekul,
your taxes are overdue by 7 months.
taking your house and evicting you onto the streets,

-Mike L. Control.

EKUL: Oh man. There are several sorts of mistakes you made. It looks like you just sent this to a random person, or maybe you just sent it as a trap. Well...

{A screen pops up with a title}

Problem #1

EKUL: The first problem is, I don't pay taxes. No. Money is different in Lukatia. You see, people are a lot smarter in our money here. Since silly humans have not figured it out, I won't tell them. So there. Another problem I have found with this email.

Problem #2

EKUL: Several people have already found this out. There is no "Overdues" to me, The only time I lived in a house was in my inferior first four or so emails, and those were worthless pieces of crap and should not be read. Someday I'll remake them and nobody will have to read them.

Problem #3

EKUL: I... can't be evicted. Y'see, admirals just don't. From what I can tell, this email was sent so that I could have some sort of multi-email plot about me being out of the Trash Can or my computer dying or some big action scene. So I'd like to see you try-

{Zoom out. There is banging on the Trash Can.}

EKUL: Uh oh. I bet that's that Mike Conman-trol. Well, it's time for a good idea.

{Ekul jumps out of the Trash Can brandishing his Hypercutlass and disc shooter. There is a very large amount of military and police officer looking humans with Mike Control at the front}

EKUL: Oh. Crap. This is not what I expected.

MIKE CONTROL: Hah! You didn't expect this! Your "taxes" were the money you owed to the Union of Control!

EKUL: Money I owe? What are you talking about?!

MIKE CONTROL: You owe me 80 dollars on a bet we had. Due to interest, that makes it 4,000,000

EKUL: What the-! do you know anything about math?!

MIKE CONTROL: Okay, so I rounded down. The point is, you owe me money.

EKUL: Look: I don't gamble. You've got the wrong-

MIKE CONTROL: YOU don't gamble. Okul, though...

EKUL: Ah. It makes sense now. I don't remember very much from my past forms... So it IS true... But I can not pay! I don't have that much on me-

MIKE CONTROL: Say goodbye to your TRASH CAN!

EKUL: No!

MIKE CONTROL: FIRE, MEN!

{Ekul dives into the Trash Can. Kyves is at the bottom.}

KYVES: What hap-

EKUL: GET OUT OF-

{The Trash Can rumbles and Ekul and Kyves fall down.}

TRANDY: Warning! Exterior damaged!

EKUL: Wait... How are they damaging it? You wasn't even dented in the attack from the missile that destroyed Coach Z's new house.

TRANDY: I WAS damaged. I'm still recovering. And that was one missile, this is sustained fire.

EKUL: We NEED to get out of-

{More turbulence. After Ekul and Kyves get up, Coach Z, Homeschool and Loyalshot stumble in. C11 rolls in on his side}

HOMESCHOOL: What is happening?!

EKUL: We're under attack... We can't successfully teleport away while under attack.

KYVES: I have an idea! We can distract them with my K-wing

EKUL: Great idea! You are our only hope...

KYVES: I can do it.

{Kyves runs out of the area. Cut outside. The K-wing flies in.}

MIKE CONTROL: They're escaping! Fire at it instead!

{The men begin concentrating on the K-wing.}

RANDOM TECH GUY: There's only one man in there. It must be Ekul... There's still men in there! Destroy it!

{Cut back inside. Ekul types in the co-ordinates. While fading, it is caught by a blast. Cut back inside. It shakes very vilolently. Everyone falls down. and tries to push them selves up}

COACH Z: I think you were answering an email! That must be the cause of the prorblem!

EKUL: No! It's just that someone would have attacked anyway!

{The shaking gets worse.}

TRANDY: WARNING! MASSIVE FAILURE IN WARP DRIVE!

{Cut outside to view Mike Control. From his perspective, it looks as if it was destroyed.}

TECH GUY: It's gone. He's got no home and no friends now.

MIKE CONTROL: Unless that's not him in the plane...

{Cut back to the Trash Can's interior. It's a shaking mayhem}

EKUL: STUPID OLD FASHIONED MACHINE!

LOYALSHOT: Old fashioned!? I know it's failing, but I would give everything in the world for one of these!

EKUL: That's the problem with you non-scientific, non-optimist types! It's very hard to alter the future for the better! Anytime you alter something for your own gain, you are likely destroying other things! Some things-

{The violent rumblings knock eveyone off their balance}

EKUL: Bad situations are supposed to WAIT for monolouges and suspense! Trandy! Activate emergency warp!

TRANDY: Are you sure you want to do this action? This could kill everyone!

EKUL: I think that has a good probabilty of happening anyway! This just would make our warp less random!

{Cut to Homestar on an arcade machine (Trogdor II)}

HOMESTAR: Level ten complete! This Tax machine is very fun!

{Suddenly, there is a distorted Trash Can appearence sound. Then suddenly the arcade machine's screen breaks open as Ekul breaks his way out.}

HOMESTAR: Ooh! Did I win?!

EKUL: Homestar! Uh... sorry about your arcade...

HOMESTAR: Uh... Was that a glitch? Man they have to improve those arcade machines...

{Homeschool falls out of the arcade screen, then Coach Z, then Loyalshot. Cut to a straight on shot of it to see the Trash Can inside of the arcade. It looks fairly battered.}

COACH Z: You said that wasn't RANDORM LORCATIORN!

EKUL: No... I meant that it was less random.

HOMESTAR: Ooh! Improbability! I think I'm gaining walnut powers.

EKUL: Sure you are, Homestar. Sure you are. Now we need a replacement or something to replace the Trash Can for Time Traveling... It might never travel through time ever again.

{The paper comes down "EMAIL EKUL TODAY!"}