User:Ekul/Email/78

Overview

Tournament for admiralcy, glory, money, fame, and the countdown number

Lines: 280

Cast (in order of appearance): Ekul, C11, Coach Z, Homeschool, Loyalshot, Marty, Kyves, Tandy, Crowd, Carstimmons, Judge, Various fighters, The Homestar Cast,

Transcript

{Ekul is in a room that looks like a boiler room. C11, Coach Z, Homeschool, Loyalshot, Marty, Kyves and even the Tandy are all around a thing. Kyves is getting ready to plug something in}

KYVES: Alright! countdown everybody!

C11:Borp!
COACH Z: {Simualtaniously}Sixty!

{Simualtanious} Fifty!

HOMESCHOOL:{Simualtaniously} Forty-five!
LOYALSHOT:{Simualtaniously}Thirty!
MARTY:{Simualtaniously}Ten!
EKUL:{Simualtaniously}Five!
KYVES:{Simualtaniously}Three!

EKUL: Whoa! Everyone needs to operate under the same number! Let's do-

C11:Borp!
COACH Z: {Simualtaniously}Sixty!

{Simualtanious} Fifty!

HOMESCHOOL:{Simualtaniously} Forty-five!
LOYALSHOT:{Simualtaniously}Thirty!
MARTY:{Simualtaniously}Ten!
EKUL:{Simualtaniously}Five!
KYVES:{Simualtaniously}Three!

HOMESCHOOL: Contest time. Let's see who has the longest upper lip-

KYVES: No fair. Let's go by height!

EKUL: Yeah; smallest first

C11: Borp bipe!

LOYALSHOT: I say we throw everyone into the jungle and see who does the best after three days!

TANDY: Let's measure the fastest someone can recite the dictionary!

MARTY: Fighting tournament.

EKUL: Ooh! Something all of us can do well! Let's do it... Well, we might as well add more people.

{Cut to The Stick with a stage behind it, on which Ekul, C11, Coach Z, Homeschool, Loyalshot, Marty, Kyves and the Tandy are standing. There is a large crowd in the foreground.}

KYVES: Thank you all for gathering. We have-

RANDOM PERSON FROM THE CROWD: I'm bored. Let's have a forty minute break.

HOMESCHOOL: But-

COACH Z: Don't interfere!

{Everybody files off the stage, Except Ekul, Homeschool and the Tandy.}

EKUL: Well, now is the time for an email, I guess.

Ok. I'll log you on

EKUL: I'm glad you're here.

Incedently, being to the future, do you know if I'm around later?

EKUL: I think so. Also, as Okul, I know I get a human partner later. I don't recall his name, though.

Really?

EKUL: Yeah.

How does that work?

EKUL: when I was Okul, I met me in the future. For reasons such as paradoxes, I forgot mostly about him. I knew vaguely I'd be meeting Kyves and what C11 would be like after I'd finished him. Anyway, bring the email up.

Dear Commander Ekul Mannings,
In order to keep your Generalship of Lukatia, you must win sixteen battles in the Arctic Coliseum. Are you up to it, stupid?
The next general if you lose,
Carstimmons

EKUL: {Reads aloud then stops at the end. He looks like he reads it silently again. Then he laughs extremely hard} Oho!! This is hilarious! General? I'm the admiral, dolt! And do you think that I would really be replaced? Get real, idiot. This has to be a form letter. As you may realise, the general is Trebort and he's already won.

VOICE: {Offscreen} Fake, is it?

{Suddenly a lone siloette walks up the stage-steps. Suddenly a flash appears in a circle around him, then dissapears while cymbals crash. It's another penguin!}

CARSTIMMONS: That was a real letter! You have to to keep your rank!

EKUL: What!?

CARSTIMMONS: Here's the contract. I accedentally called you a general from misinformation.

EKUL: Hmm... New rules! FORTY MINUTES ARE UP!

{The crowd and C11, Coach Z, Loyalshot, Marty and Kyves come back on stage.}

LOYALSHOT: That wasn't forty minutes!

EKUL: I don't care. New rules everyone. This guy says that we will need to fight in the Arctic Coliseam. He has won fifteen times and is challenging me to it. So all you will do a tournament to find out. I will change the Arctic Coliseam, too. The trials are different, according to race of person. If I win more than he does, he has to become a servant. If he wins, he's admiral. We both must sign our names.

{Ekul signs a paper, the Carstimmons signs it. Ekul reads it}

EKUL: Nice try, but you tried to back out on it by misspelling your name.

CARSTIMMONS: Dang! You caught me!

{Carstimmons errases it, then rewrites it}

EKUL: You need to sign it again. You are not Sarcimmons.

CARSTIMMONS: Whoa! You caught me again!

{Carstimmons signs again. Ekul scrutinizes it. Then they shake hands. Then they fade into an armwrestling match somehow.}

KYVES: Look, let's just go to the freakin' trials.

{Cut to a Colliseum about the size of four football fields. A judge box is in the corner. There is an extremely large crowd.}

JUDGE: {Offscreen} And so, here we are at the Lukatian battlefield, and that weather is just fine somewhere on the globe!

{Cut to the inside of the Judge Box. A funny-looking penguin that looks like Elvis is in the chair talking into the microphone.}

JUDGE: So, this is the trials to see if some people have the right luck- I mean skill to get in the trials. Let's mention the contestents, all several million of them!

{Cut to a random guy. He looks like your average guy. He waves}

JUDGE: First of all, we have Aaron Aback, with skills from somewhere in that one place!

{Cut to a random lady.}

JUDGE: Then we have Abby Aback,

{Cut to two other guys who look Latino American, but they both have huge noses. They wave}

JUDGE:Next we have Aaron Abbot, then we have another Aaron Abbott! Then Abby-

{Fade to later at a birds eye view, the sky looks darker. The judge drones on}

JUDGE: Leroy Aberforth, Lloyd Aberforth-

{Fade to an even darker sky. Still the point of view is the same}

JUDGE: Albert Ackbar... Anny Ackbar...

{Fade to an even darker sky. The judges voice still sounds the same.}

JUDGE: Tucksworth Agatha...

{Fade to about noon. The stands are about empty. Still birdseye. The judge's voice seems to hint tiredness.}

JUDGE: Zyx Alexander... Aaron Alda- Aldae- {Pronouces like a long I} Crap. I need to get that baby book again...

{Cut to a morning looking time. The Judge shows his impatience a bit more clearly}

JUDGE: Just in case you're joining us... It's the third week of the Lukatian Colliseum... I'm in the A-N-D-Rs now... Huckleberry Andromeda... Another Hucleberry Andromeda... Another Huckleberry Andromeda...

{Cut to another morning}

JUDGE: It is the ninteeth time I've had to go back in time a decade so that our contestants wouldn't get impatient. I am now finally in the B-Os!

{Cut to another morning}

JUDGE: Gus Cleatus... Oh look, I've lost count of the day it is...

{Cut to another morning}

JUDGE: Ben Dark... I give up. Ok, folks, file back in! I've decided to not mention anymore people-

{Cut to the judge box. Another penguin comes in}

PENGUIN: I'm not paying you if you don't say the names. Five dollars a name now!

JUDGE: I feel a second wind coming on...

{Cut to the stands again. They are full again}

JUDGE: ...And Zyxxy Zyx... There you have it! I had to go back in time over four hundred times to mention all the names, but there you go! {Mumbles} Next time we should sponser beds... Now, let's go to our first event! Where you have to all have to stand on shaking platforms, according to the letter of your first name. Then, stay on, and watch out for the quicksand off of the platform. When you fall off, you are out of the trials. If you touch anyone else, you both will shoot apart, and spin one eighty degrees, making the toucher at at disadvatage. So that you can recover easier and so that this works, you all have screw attack magnetic jackets. Now, you will all get ready... get set... You have one minute!

{Cut to Ekul's platform. He is at the edge. A guy tries to push him but they both go shooting off opposites directions. The pressor falls into the quicksand. Ekul screw attacks back onto the platform. In doing so, he steps on somebody else's head, pushing him back onto the platform, and the other guy into the sand. The platform shakes. quite a few people fall off the edge. Ekul ducks as somebody flies over him. He jumps over a person who slides away on his face. he falls back as someone flies past, then backflips onto someone else, catapulting into the sky. The other person slams into the shaking ground with such force, he rockets off into the sky with no hope of recovery. He sees Carstimmons in the sky, too. Carstimmons shoots at him from his platform.}

EKUL: Dang. I forgot about the "all bad guys are cheaters" rule.

{Ekul dodges and the blast hits somebody else. Ekul falls back down, and dives at someone, who is blasted into oblivion, and Ekul goes highter. Ekul dives and screw attacks into a position wher he bounces off somebody trying to recover. He lands on the vibrating platfrom. The bell rings. Birds Eye view. There are less people.}

JUDGE: Wow! We got about three million various people down! On the first trial event! Next will be the Blastoff! This is where you shoot into the sky by use of negative gravity, avoiding all obstacles along the way. You must reach the top in time! There are multiple paths you can take, and they all have different types of obstacles, so be careful! Get hit by a turret and you freeze! You will be allowed to use a pole, which we will supply. Is everyone in their blastoff pods? Ready... GO!!

{Cut to Ekul's pod. You can see C11 and Kyves' pod nearby. They shoot everyone up. Ekul spins, then goes into a diving position, pole at the ready. C11 faces down, then rocket boosts upward}

EKUL: Hey! Good guys don't cheat!

{C11 doesn't respond. He leaves the screen}

KYVES: Ah... well, we can do better without him anydangway. I thought he'd do that so I-

C11: {Offscreen} SCREEEEEEEEEE!

KYVES: Yeah. He'll probably still be in the race.

EKUL: Once again, you display your usefulness, Kyves

{Ekul and Kyves suddenly start dodging pieces of wall that stick out. Horizontal crushers come into view. Ekul dodges one, goes between another, then knocks someone else into it. Another guy comes next to Ekul, and Ekul hits him with his pole into a wall. Kyves belts a guy into a freeze ray. His head gets jammed into the nozzle}

EKUL: Whoa! Look out!

{Ekul and Kyves get into a more streamlined diving position. The ray explodes and several people above get frozen, slowing their ascent. A fork appears, and there are four directions.}

KYVES: Well, it's best we split up, just in case.

{Kyves takes shoots into the rightmost one and Ekul dives to the northern most one, and the camera follows Ekul. Suddenly, Strong Bad comes into view}

EKUL: Strong Bad?!? What are you doing here?

STRONG BAD: We were in the crowd, you dolt!

EKUL: "We"?

STRONG BAD: Oh don't you know? Everyone in Free country USA participated!

EKUL: Ah. Hey, if you leave me alone for the rest of the trials, I will give you four hundred every time I ask for your computer

STRONG BAD: Ooh! Now that is a good deal!

EKUL: Yeah. See you later!

STRONG BAD: Now wait a-

{Ekul shoots into a hoop, speeding him up. He poles off the wall and makes it through another hoop. He meets up with a very muscular penguin}

PENGUIN: I'm going to crush you like the slime on my hands! No, wait...

{Suddenly, above them is Carstimmons. Ekul and muscle penguin go up to his level. He has a jetpack}

CARSTIMMONS: Ha ha ha! Now I will shoot you with my freeze ray!

EKUL: Cheater!

{Ekul dodges out of the way and the muscle guy is toast. Err... frozen breaded, or whatever. He fires again and a wall burst into... frost.}

EKUL: That's it! No more Mister-Ice-Guy!

{Ekul shoots a fireball at his freeze ray and it explodes}

CARSTIMMONS: AAAARRRRGGH! I thought only the superhero that I have embroidered on my bedsheets would have that power!

{He falls out of sight}

EKUL: In a creepy sort of way, I'm actually flattered.

{Ekul shoots upwards. He sees the finishline ahead. He shoots past it and lands in a blimp.}

EKUL: And other victory for Ekul!

JUDGE: {Offscreen} WOW! He broke the time record! First place!

{Cut to a big hill. Several people, including some of the Homestar Runner characters, are at the start line. Ekul is next to Kyves and C11}

KYVES: Wow. I never thought I'd get to come all the way to the last trial thing! Next is the tournament!

EKUL: Yeah...

JUDGE: Wow, folks! The contestants are narrowed down even more! The top one hundred and twenty eight will progress to the tournament. {The microphone turns off. You can hear him barely} We are not responsible for death that may and probably will occur when our assassins kill the winner to prevent us from paying them the prize money. {The microphone turns back on} Sorry about that folks. The race is a downhill race where you will all go to the end, choosing any one of the paths of Ice, fire, plant life or urban. Like I said, the first one hundred and twenty eight will progress. You will be allowed to use one object in the race as long as it is not a long range weapon that can kill someone. Get ready for the race in five... four... three... two days ago, a funny story happened-

{Suddenly some loud indistinct shouting is heard. The judge sounds exasperated}

JUDGE: Sorry about that... A little encouragement from my boss. Anyway... One. BEGIN!

{The racers begin descent. Coach Z can be seen without a medallion on his chest, but it appears to be enlarged and used as a snowboard. He goes for the snow path. Cut to Strong Bad has his Grabbo Arm. He goes for the Urban path. Cut to Homestar with Bennedeno. He heads off for the fire path. You can see other Homestar Characters, but it's difficult to tell what they have or where they're going. Kyves flies off for the Jungle region, swords outstretched. C11 heads for the urban region, using his rockets. Ekul heads for the snow region, and goes onto his belly. He pulls back his sleeves to reveal the machine guns from email 51. He puts them behind him to reveal they now have a secondary function... a fuction where they do not shoot discs anymore. They expell a force more forceful a leaf blower and blasts him foreward. He shoots through the snow. Anybody behind him is instantly covered in snow}

EKUL: Heh heh. That was cool. I mean... that was just... ice. It wasn't cold of me. They were just blown away! I mean-

JUDGE: SHUT UP, OR I'LL EJECT YOU OUT!

EKUL: Sorry. How'd you hear me?

JUDGE: Well... heh heh... Wait... Is everybody hearing me? Shoot. That's the last time I insult someone over the microphone...

{Ekul zips around. He blasts up to Coach Z.}

EKUL: Whoa, Coach! That's a sweet medallion!

COACH Z Thanks! I worndered when I'd be able to dor this...

{Ekul blasts past, taking care to avoid hindering Coach Z. He meets up with a few skiing humans. Then he sees Carstimmons in a hoverjet with a gatling gun in it!}

EKUL: Oh crud... I knew you were a cheater... But I didn't think you were a smart one!

CARSTIMMONS: Your navy will be mine. MINE!!

{Carstimmons grins evilly. He fires in a sweeping pattern. It blows away one of the skiers. Ekul dodges the next sweep. A nerd's computerized sled is blown to pieces, causing the guy to be faceplanted. Ekul ramps off a ledge and shoots right toward Carstimmon's hovercraft. He takes one of his machine guns and sticks it in Carstimmon's gatling nozzle}

CARSTIMMONS: NO! DON'T!!!

{The gun blows Ekul shooting above the path. Carstimmon's gun blows}

CARSTIMMONS: Ow! Shoot! Grr... I'll beat him in the tournament...

{Ekul aims his machine-gun-blowers diagonally. He blows across the finish.}

JUDGE: Wow! He got first again! Well well... He's made it in for sure! He gets first seed...

{Fade to a tournament table. It zooms in on Ekul's name, and it shows he is up against a guy named "Tarkleman". Zoom in on Kyves' name to see that he is against "Shotgun S." . Zoom in on C11's name to see that he is against Karhkdman. Zoom in on Strong Bad's name to see he is against "Runningm" Zoom in on Homestar to see he is against a "Crstmn". Cut to Ekul's battle. Ekul looks at the guy across from him. A guy stands there.}

JUDGE: And in our first battle, we have Ekul against Bobby Tarkleman!

BOBBY TARKLEMAN: I'm going to crush you! A little guy like you-

EKUL: That's El Pingüino Pequeño, to you!

{A gong sounds. Bobby Tarkleman flinches, so Ekul runs up and punches him off the edge.}

JUDGE: Wow! That went fast! The winner is El Pingüino Pequeño... I mean Ekul!

{The crowd roars.}

EKUL: Are you not... um... Enthralled?

{Cut to Kyves and his contestant's match.}

JUDGE: Now we have Kyves versus The Shotgun Shogun!

THE SHOTGUN SHOGUN: You will fall to my Shotgun Shogun Sword!

{Carstimmons in the crowd aims at Kyves, but misses and hits The Shotgun Shogun's Shotgun Shogun Sword instead. It falls out of his grasp and shoots him in the chest}

KYVES: Or rather... Your Shotgun Shogun Sword fell to you...

THE SHOTGUN SHOGUN: Assassin... in the crowd... medic!

{A medic comes up and carts him away}

JUDGE: Kyves got lucky today... Next is Runningman versus C11!

{C11 shoots Runningman in the leg and he falls off the cliff.}

RUNNINGMAN: Arrg! I forgot to not get shot in the leg!

{Fade to a tournament chart. It is much later, and there are only sixteen people left. Zoom out to see that it is a poster in a lockerroom. Homestar is next to Ekul}

EKUL: I fight Strong Mad next... I wonder when I'll get to fight Carstimmons...

HOMESTAR: Oh! You mean that penguin guy? I beat him in the first round. He had a remote control rocket launcher, but I kicked him in the way.

EKUL: I guess I'm admiral, then!

{Kyves struts}

KYVES: Can you believe it? I beat C11! Hah!

{Fade to a chart where there are only four people left. Ekul is talking to C11.}

EKUL: Yes! I beat Homestar! Now all I have to do is wait for Kyves to win his match and I win! And-

{Kyves storms in}

KYVES: Grr... I was so close... And then I lose to... Get this... Homsar! You'll face him, not me!

EKUL: Dang. Oh well. So much more the easier. When I win, I will get to choose the countdown number!

{Cut to a large dark stage. Homsar is in one corner and Ekul is in the other.}

JUDGE: In one corner... We have El Pingüino Pequeño... The Maruading Maniac... EKUL!

{The crowd's cheers are deafening}

JUDGE: And in the other corner we have... The pride of the peaches... A song from the sixties... The powerful HOMSAR!

{The crowd mumbles}

JUDGE: Go!

HOMSAR: Daahh... Domo orogato Mr. Roboto! You dropped a bomb on me...

{Ekul dashes at Homsar, but Homsar's hat inflates and Ekul runs into it. The hat spins around and Ekul shoots out off the cliff.}

JUDGE: The winner is... Homsar! Wow! He gets the prize! Money, a trophy, The countdown number and an {The microphone goes out, his voice is faint.} Assassin at his doorstep {The microphone turns on} Now, this tournament is brought to you by... Heartburn eliminators! {The mic goes out} Warning... the side effects of this medicine includes all forms of cancer and heartburn

{Cut to the place they were at at the beggining. Ekul, C11, Coach Z, Homeschool, Loyalshot, Marty, Kyves, Tandy and Homsar are around the thing and Kyves is ready to plug the thing in}

EKUL: Alright Homsar... What's the countdown?

HOMSAR: I think the square root of parentheses the meaning of life factorial...

EKUL: Aw, screw it. Kyves, just plug it in.

KYVES: Well, at least you beat Carstimmons to admiral-

EKUL: Plug it or I'll plug you.

{The classic Strong Bad paper comes down, saying "Email Ekul!}