Markie & BurninatorBoombox Emails/Iraq

Overview

PARAGRAPH FIGHT SCENE'D! That, and whatever happened to Homsar?

Cast (in order of appearance): Macro Siren Troops, Covert OPS Guy, ThunderLakitu, Koopantiero, Mr. Fishpaste Tartar Wells, Maruux-II, Kozantiero, Lower Mans, Markie, Markie.EXE, Jimmy Toad, Eddy Toad, Homestar Runner, Queen Rose Maro, Hobo Toad, ???

Page Title: I have returned from the Dark Side to say CAPTAIN JEAN LUC PICARD OF USS ENTERPRISE

Transcript

{Cut to two Macro Siren henchmen near the Star Glacier water cooler in the new lair of Koopantiero.}

MACRO HENCHMAN #1: So he was like, "OH-EM-GEE-DOUBLE-YOU-TEE-EFF-BARBEQUE WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU DOING TO MY COMPUTER?!!"

MACRO HENCHMAN #2: {chuckles} And then?

MACRO HENCHMAN #1: The computer ate him.

MACRO HENCHMAN #2: {turned off} ...oh.

{A third Macro henchman walks up to them, somewhat containing the excitement of a Fuzztaku and a Japanese schoolgirl.}

MACRO HENCHMAN #3: {speaking fast} OHMYGODDUDESDUDESDUDES!!! They'veliketestedthetwoarrogantsnitchesforanyevidenceleadingtoworlddomination!!!

MACRO HENCHMAN #1: Duuuuuuuude, stop speaking so fast. Master's orders.

MACRO HENCHMAN #3: {pulling Macro Henchman #1 closer} BUTWAITWAITWAIT!!! WE'VEGOTALOTOFNEWINFOFROMTHEM!!! CheckitoutcheckitoutOHEMGEEDOUBLEYOUTEEEFFBARBEQUESAIDPHRASEANDCRAP!!! {sprints off-screen}

MACRO HENCHMAN #2: {bewildered} Ooooooookay...

MORE OF A MEANWHILE

{Cut to Covert OPS Guy and ThunderLakitu on top of the newly repaired top platform, chained behind their backs. They are blindfolded and a tennis racket with blood spikes hovers above them. Pan out so that we can see Koopantiero is actually holding the deadly weapon.}

COVERT OPS GUY: Okay, this is something that I did not agree with.

KOOPANTIERO: Well, you better shut it, or I'm going to have to execute you early.

THUNDERLAKITU: {whispering} He's right. Just go with the flow.

KOOPANTIERO: I heard that.

COVERT OPS GUY: Shut up, he just said something minor.

KOOPANTIERO: Something minor that I could hear! {pulls out tape recorder and presses it}

TAPE RECORDER: {ThunderLakitu} He's right. Just go with the flow.

KOOPANTIERO: Now I will proceed to do the following things...but I forgot. Hold on. Don't move. {runs to the trapdoor with the ladder and climbs off-screen}

THUNDERLAKITU: So...I figure we can break out of these chains, right?

COVERT OPS GUY: Abso-running gag-lutely. These chains we're bound with {quick shot of chains} are made of a fusion of styrofoam-titanium-mercury material that I would know as...uh...styrofoaminamiterymaterialius.

{a sound of chains breaking is heard, we cut to ThunderLakitu, showing his hands, which hold the broken chains}

THUNDERLAKITU: Okay, now what?

COVERT OPS GUY: Let's get the crap out of here. {jumps on ThunderLakitu's back. ThunderLakitu spawns his cloud pet} To Shroomery Labs! {points in an actionscripted random direction}

{ThunderLakitu with Covert OPS Guy flies off-screen. Koopantiero is heard climbing the ladder.}

KOOPANTIERO: {faint} Oh, I'm going to catch me some convicts tonight...{climbs through trapdoor with a hash-haw-esque dagger} ...gonna catch me some convicts toniiiiiiiii- {close up} HOLY FISHPASTE TARTAR WELLS!!!

{Pan out. A red cardboard box labeled "MR. FISHPASTE TARTAR WELLS" is seen next to him.}

MR. FISHPASTE TARTAR WELLS: {no motion of speaking} You called?

{Koopantiero screams a girly scream like The Commander wood. We abruptly cut to inside the Macro Siren Bread Army HQ. Maruux-II is sidling along a dark wall. He peeks his head around the corner. To his dismay, Kozantiero is walking down the path he's looking through. Maruux-II quickly peeks his head in and sighs a breath of relief. Pan to the left. Surprisingly, Kozantiero is next to him, nibbling on a piece of sourdough.}

KOZANTIERO: Eh...you want me to kill you now?

MARUUX-II: Shut up.

{Pan to the left even more. ??? is floating next to Kozantiero.}

???: What's up?

KOZANTIERO: Pardon me, sinister extra mans, but, err, what brings you inside my top secret and confidential HQ?

???: Oh, that's easy. My name is LOWER MANS.

MARUUX-II: "LOWER MANS"? Okay, that is ridiculous, and a butt. You must come up with a-

LOWER MANS: Do not resist my dark powers. {pause} That and my awesome 50% discounts I assassinate people with.

KOZANTIERO: Do you mock the name of Kozantiero?

LOWER MANS: Yes. And I will kill you if you don't take over the Free Country of USA.

KOZANTIERO: You mean...that...fansite...that crappy fansite...

MARUUX-II: {sigh} Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki. I remember those good old days-

LOWER MANS: {shoves Maruux-II down} THEN YOU WILL BE FORCED TO CONQUER FCUSA IN THE NAME OF THE SPIRIT OF THE FANSTUFF WIKI!!!

{pan left, Kozantiero has disappeared}

LOWER MANS: {looks left} Uh? Well...looks like it's just you and me, Maruux.

MARUUX-II: {gets up, cringing} What...argh!...the? How the heck do you know my name?

LOWER MANS: Uh...I know everything. In fact, if you doubt me, I will- {quickly punches Maruux-II in the gut, causing him too double over} -oh, sorry. That wasn't supposed to happen. I really need to control my rage.

MARUUX-II: Ra...rggh...ge? {stands up straight} Boy, you're going to need a little more than that.

LOWER MANS: Then you have no choice but to take me out. {close up} Bring...it...on.

{Maruux-II steps forward, then bellows and charges at Lower Mans. Lower Mans flies toward Maruux-II while he screams, and the camera quickly pans to the impact point of the collision. When they both collide, we abruptly cut to Markie running through an open doorway labeled "TOP SECRET, YO." He quickly closes the door and sighs, then quickly falls down as an explosion is heard.}

MARKIE: Oh, man. An explosion. I wonder why it happens so much. {pulls out Markie.EXE} Dot e ecks e, where's the nearest jacking-in plug from here?

MARKIE.EXE: {shown rubbing his non-existant temples} Well, uh, there's some strong presence that's interfering with my connection...I can't get a map. Maybe you should try walking around and being a Liquid Snake.

MARKIE: Good idea, but no. {pulls out Bluey} Alright. {types in "c://markie/SNESHaxorV9.2" and presses enter}

SNES Haxor V9.2

Press ENTER to Continue
Press INSERT for Debug Mode
Press DELETE for Cache Cleanup

Press Esc to Quit

{Markie presses ENTER, the following screen comes up:}

Main Screen

Press A to hack into nearest computer
Press S to hack into nearest Gamecube
Press W to hack into nearest SNES

Press Esc to Quit

{Markie presses A, the following comes up:}

Now hacking into nearest computer...

{Cut to the basement of the Mushroom Resistance, or more specifically a closed room withtan double doors. They swing open, revealing a dazed Homestar Runner. He falls down, revealing BurninatorBoombox, Eddy Toad, and Jimmy Toad. Pan 180 to reveal a desk with a swiveling chair facing its back to the crew. On the desk is a clicky pen, a statue of Mario, and the nametag "Hi, my name is DOUGLAS M. TOAD."}

EDDY TOAD: Okay, this is really freaky.

JIMMY TOAD: You go first.

EDDY TOAD: No, you go.

JIMMY TOAD: No, you!

EDDY TOAD: Well, you're the one who's the first to rush into battle-

JIMMY TOAD: But you're the one with the most lethal combat skills!

BURNINATORBOOMBOX: Look, as far as I'm concerned, I'm going in. Hold on a second and please hold your sanity.

JIMMY TOAD: Sanity?

BURNINATORBOOMBOX: Err, whatever.

{BurninatorBoombox slowly strolls up to the chair accompanied with a slow pan-in effect. He hops up to the desk, and approaches the chair slowly. Quickly, he spins it around, revealing QUEEN ROSE TIED UP WITH A NOTE STUFFED UP HER NOSE?!}

BURNINATORBOOMBOX: Huh?

QUEEN ROSE MARO: {struggling} Get me out of here, will ya?

BURNINATORBOOMBOX: Well, if you insist.

{BurninatorBoombox opens his tape compartment to reveal a miniature firetorch. It burns the rope tying Rose to the chair. BurninatorBoombox hops up and quickly snatches the note with his pincer claw, then opens it.}

MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!! KOOPKOZANTIERO STRACK GAINS!!!

{Pan out to reveal a metro subway train environment. Homestar Runner is sitting dazed on one of the train benches, reading the note next to BurninatorBoombox, Eddy Toad, Jimmy Toad, and Queen Rose, who is currently being praised by a hobo Toad.}

HOBO TOAD: {kissing Queen Rose's foot} Oh, your highness! You have to save us from this threat! Why, even I can't pay my bills because I ate all my money, err, I mean lost it to some mafia!

{Queen Rose kicks the Hobo Toad in the face. He scurries away off-screen on all fours.}

QUEEN ROSE MARO: {shaking fist} That will teach you not to mess with the class system!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: "STRACK GAINS"? Um, I don't use the casté method on abdominal fitness pressures...

BURNINATORBOOMBOX: Ugh. {looks at Queen Rose} So, you're the queen, right?

QUEEN ROSE MARO: That is correct. And these two guys want to date me.

{Cut to Eddy and Jimmy Toad. They are smiling big, exaggerated smiles with big eyes and exaggeratedly large bodies.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Queen? Shouldn't you be like, wine and wife to the King of Town?

QUEEN ROSE MARO: Oh! You mean King Apple Maro?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Perfunkally. The king of Cantiburyton.

QUEEN ROSE MARO: ...wait, you only got it now?

{Cut to outside the train, way far. The tunnel is tinted blue and rusty. Suddenly, bobbling noises are heard, and a midgety sillhouete appears just as the train's headlights come into view. As it closes in on the silhouette, we cut back to Markie at the doorway, who is apparently snoring amidst fighting sounds. We hear a ding as the following email pops up:}

Dear Markie and BurninatorBoombox,

It appears that your email show is underappreciated.
We will reward you by sending you on a fabulous
cruise to the middle of... Iraq.
BWA HA HA,

Bowsar

MARKIE: {wakes up} Wnnnngha? Oh. Dear M and side platter, underappreciated email show, we will reward you by sending you to the middle of dot dot dot GASP SADDAM HUSSEIN?! Bwa ha ha, Bowser. Oh, nice try. Like I don't get these kinds of emails everyday. It just appears that...{starts typing}...my email show is like a children to me! You can't diss me just because! Look what would happen if I was dissed by going to the middle of Iraq!

{Everything pauses, and this thing is shown:}

YOSHI KILLED WITH 7,000,000,000,000,000,000,192,381,883,993,666 IN

A SUICIDE PACT IN IRAQ

Earlier today, email checker Markie was killed just as he teleported to the middle of Iraq, when he was mindlessly dissolved by a nuclear rocket, along with the aforementioned 7,000,000,000,000,000,000,192,381,883,993,666 people. Continued on page A8

{...for five seconds, then we cut back to Markie.}

MARKIE: Basically...{types in}...DEFLEETED!!!

{The BSOD appears.}

NICE TRY!!!

MARKIE: Woah, {fakes barfing and sputtering noises} Canadian hash browns and bacon! What is this pluclarb?! {types in} DEFLEETED, DANGIT!!!

SCREW YOU!!!

MARKIE: Awwwwwww, the little baby wants to fight, huh?

YOU'RE A DEAD

DUCK!!!!!!

MARKIE: WHAT?! Did you just get me served by mentioning a running gag the equivalent of Shim-Sham-Sam's foodstuff, BREAD AND SUGAR?! You did NOT just do that.

{A scary face appears on screen.}

MARKIE: WARGH!!!

{The scary face distorts itself until it forms into a camcorder vision showing Kozantiero at a control panel, grinning devilishly.}

KOZANTIERO: Well, trying to hack for a map here, huh?

MARKIE: Well-

KOZANTIERO: You know, you're fast but retarded which means slow, but we always have an emergency exit map. Haven't you noticed?

{Markie looks to his right.}

KOZANTIERO: No, to your left.

{Markie looks to his left. A badly scribbled symbol on the wall with the words "DY EMORGENCY MAHP" above it is shown.}

MARKIE: Well, it still doesn't help-

KOZANTIERO: Too bad. Now shut up. I've managed to send Macro Sirens near your place.

{The Bluey flickers off.}

MARKIE: ...whoa. Okay, enough with the sentences starting with "W". I better get out of here.

{Markie gets up.}

The large puddle in the floor did not stop Maruux-II from quickly dicing with his sword. His foe, Lower Mans, was blocking each of his attacks with his omnipotent claws. But he still hacked away.

That was, until he was swept off guard with a sudden blow to the face.

He did not flinch, however. Wiping the mucus off of his face, he ducked an incoming swipe and backed to the wall, jumpkicking off of the vertical pipes as he raised his katana for an overhead blow.

It didn't sink in.

Lower Mans had grabbed it just in time and pulled it away from him. He was now attempting to stab furiously at his chestplate, leaving holes in his cloak. The ducking and jumping was becoming tiresome for him, and so he whirled around and quickly gave a hard jab at the spirit's face.

Lower Mans flinched.

"You see, ominous fool or buffoon, I am not taken down easily."

"So what?" Maruux-II said. "I don't underestimate people and others easily as well."

He flipped over the black shroud just as it quickly vanished and reappeared behind him, lunging in for the strangle. Maruux-II landed on the now rising water puddle, rolling to his right to avoid an incoming white blaze.

He was about to backflip when Lower Mans shot a transparent claw through his chest and slammed him against the wall. As dazed as he was, Maruux-II didn't scratch at the terrible feeling. Hooking the spirit's face once again, he ran down the narrow hallway and through a set of double doors.

The cafeteria was being used by several Macro Siren Troops right now, each revealing their Koopish faces beneath their gray and dull helmets. They saw Maruux-II, and somehow they ignored him, as if something was actually sneaking up on him and trying to strangle him with barbed wire at the last split second.

His suspicions led him to quickly draw his Katana and backflip, vertically slashing the incoming spirit. Lower Mans shrieked a monotous cry of pain, then turned to face Maruux-II.

"You will pay."

Then he flicked his wrist and did something that Maruux-II had never anticipated.

The several Macro Siren Troops were flying at him with a strange aura of power, and he jumped over them, his foot shoving one of their backs downwards at the floor. The clamor it made seemed to attract the attention of a few other guards as well.

They made an attempt to fire their guns and lasers at Maruux. Swiftly he stepped on each and every bullet and arched his back to dodge the long streams of red and blue. He landed just above the last shot fired, and then backflipped as the next few guards were flying at him.

He stomped directly above Lower Mans' head.

The two-foot attack did the trick. The black mist was paralyzed in place, stunned at the agility of the raven-colored beast.

And then he suddenly flinched.

And then stabbed.

He fell right before him.

{The new hologram projector comes down. It reads "Finally, no more disorganization! - Email Markie at [email protected]".}

Easter Eggs

• Wait five seconds for this extra headline to show up:

YOSHI KILLED WITH 7,000,000,000,000,000,000,192,381,883,993,666 IN

A SUICIDE PACT IN IRAQ Continued from front page

A short while after the attack, rats and bunnies began to emerge from the ground, and they stated to some people that their mission was to shed unruly blood in front of Mutant Mayonaise. These claims are untrue as of now.

Fun Facts

Explanations

• The following subway crash will unfold a new H*R opportunity...
• I was originally going to name Lower Mans "BOWSAR" but it was too late already. Sorry, hamburger...

Remarks

• There has never been a paragraph fight scene on the Fanstuff Wiki. Until Now.

Inside References

• The SNES Haxor returns, first appearing in jerk?.
• The word "pluclarb" is from hat.

Real-World References

• The opening of this email is inspired by Biz Cas Fri.
• The headlines are a half-accidental-satire on the War on Iraq.
• The Other Character Email Gunhaver running gag Bread and Sugar is mentioned.
• How Koopantiero screams is a reference to Space Tree, in which Commander would scream with his tounge...um...stuff. BE WARNETH OF MODERATE LANGUAGAS
• The most common thing I've learned from Britain is a little "Archbishop of Cantibury". That is what Homestar references to on the subway.
• The tennis racket Koopantiero holds is a reference to pun, An Ice Machine email.