Markie & BurninatorBoombox Emails/matrix

WARNING! THIS EMAIL DOES NOT MEET MBPR INCORPORATED STANDARDS! HELP STANDARDIZE THIS AND WE'LL ALL BE HAPPY!!!

Overview

Okay, I lied. I probably will make some emails shorter and less crappier. BUT BEHOLD THE DOT E ECKS E, FOOLS!!!

Cast (in order of appearance): Markie.EXE, Koopantiero, ThunderLakitu, Covert OPS Guy, Macro Siren Troops, Markie, Kozantiero, Macro Siren Generals, Homestar Runner, BurninatorBoombox, Jimmy Toad, Eddy Toad, Macro Private, Maruux-II(easter egg)

Transcript

{Blackness. A rectangular light flickers on, showing Markie.EXE.}

MARKIE.EXE: Ungh...{rubs head} What just happened? Something tells me something is not right here. That, and also Guerilla-type Flippy and the fact that Markie hasn't updated his blog. {shifts head left and right, dripping sounds are heard} Due to the sounds of drippy water, I think I'm in a...

{Automatically cut to Koopantiero at the reconstructed Markie's Treehouse front shutter. He is currently listening to an iPod in his shell, with wireless headphones.}

KOOPANTIERO: JUNGLE! WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE, WON'T IT TAKE YOU ON YOUR...NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA BREAD, BREAD, BREAD!!! {removes headphones} Man, these Guns N' Roses song sure blow your brains out. ¡Hora para un cheque del edificio! (Time for a building check!) {walks off-screen}

{Cut to ThunderLakitu and Covert OPS Guy, who poke their heads out from behind the lumber pile Koopantiero is facing his back towards. Covert OPS Guy holds up a Molotov labeled "FOR EMERGENICES ONLY".}

THUNDERLAKITU: Alright, Mr. Covert, do you remember the plan?

COVERT OPS GUY: Okay, first we distract the outer perimeter with this handy Molotov Cocktail I got from the supermarket. {rattles Molotov} Second, you hover up to the top of the site and destroy any resistance. Thirdly, I'll snap Markie's nemesis' neck, although that won't amount to anything-

MACRO SIREN TROOP #1: {off-screen} STOP WHERE YOU ARE!

{Pan out. Six out of seven Macro Sirens have surrounded the Shy Guy and Lakitu.}

COVERT OPS GUY: Crud, I blew our cover. {throws molotov at his feet, shattering it, then grabs onto ThunderLakitu's back} CATCH US IF YOU CAN, TROOPS!!!

{A shot is fired, and Covert OPS Guy's feet catch on fire.}

THUNDERLAKITU: HOLY SMOKES!

{ThunderLakitu gets out a grenade and throws it downwards. It is tossed back at him, and it explodes in mid-air, sending both guys falling down onto the pile of lumber. The Macro Sirens aim their guns at them.}

COVERT OPS GUY: I knew we should've come up with a Plan B, C, and DEF JAM somewhere...

MACRO SIREN TROOP #5: Save your craptalk. We're taking you to the dungeon.

THUNDERLAKITU: The dungeon? You mean-

{Abruptly cut to the basement, which now has chains on the walls. ThunderLakitu and Covert OPS Guy are chained to the walls, ThunderLakitu chained upside down for security reasons. ThunderLakitu's pet cloud is seen in a cage, whimpering softly for his rescue.}

THUNDERLAKITU: Great. They just had to use this as a front.

COVERT OPS GUY: Well at least it's better than that dungeon in that game Markie plays.

{Silence.}

COVERT OPS GUY: I guess...

{Fade to a snoring Markie chained to a dank and slimy wall. He startlingly wakes up by the sounds of Markie.EXE's ringing.}

MARKIE: Argh...ungh...three...AM...in the morning...

MARKIE.EXE: {muffled} Markie! It's your NetNavi! Hello! Wake up, sleepyguy!

MARKIE: Zzzzngh...dot e ecks e? Is that you? I can't pick you up from my saddle. My arms...they're chained and shackled.

MARKIE.EXE: {muffled} I thought so.

{Quickly pan left to reveal a slightly refurbished Bluey OS 289 on a desk. The monitor is closed.}

MARKIE: Hey, look! My compy! It's not even damaged, and it kinda looks...salivated...with saliva.

MARKIE.EXE: {muffled} I know. I've heard it all - the fire, the raid, the time paradox...

MARKIE: In my age we didn't know about any time paradoxes, just spiritual paradoxes in which one is scared-slash-beaten to death or stuff.

MARKIE.EXE: {muffled} Hmmm?

MARKIE: Never mind.

{Footsteps echoing.}

MARKIE: Oh crap, somebody's coming. Keep silent.

{A door swings open. Pan to the right - Kozantiero is standing in the doorway, two Macro Siren Generals(imagine cylinder-like robots with three eyes) at his sides. He is holding two Sourdough Tuna Subs. He walks over to Markie.}

KOZANTIERO: Ah, the one who is currently helping to save Plit. Well, tell you what, {raises fist at Markie} DON'T MESS WITH ME.' Okay?

MARKIE: Let me guess - no.

KOZANTIERO: But we can always make you change your mind...

{One of the Macro Siren Generals headbash Markie in the stomach, causing him to wince.}

MARKIE: Argh! That's no good!

KOZANTIERO: Say all the internet memes you want, scoundrel, but I, Kozantiero, will win this war, and put you to death! Well, uh, with the help of my Macro Siren Bread Army I will. But still! Hey, that rhymes. Stillwill. Bill. Will Nye. He he.

{The other General nudges Kozantiero by leaning against him.}

KOZANTIERO: Eh, what? Oh, right. {clears throat} Enjoy your last thirty-five hours and three seconds of life on this planet, Yoshi. That and...

{We hear a wall being smashed. Pan to the newly-formed hole in the wall next to the doorway. A Macro Siren Troop is standing in it.}

KOZANTIERO: {groans} Unit 501! What did I tell you about punching holes in the walls?

MACRO SIREN TROOP: Sorry, sir, it just got the better of me.

KOZANTIERO: Have you been reading that silly Fanstuff...paradox...thing again? Have you gone out of your mind and started to act as if there was a god of PUNCHING COWS?! {grabs the troop by the neck and glares at him} HUH?! HUH?!

MACRO SIREN TROOP: Well, I gu-

KOZANTIERO: THEN DON'T DO IT AGAIN!!!

MACRO SIREN TROOP: Wait, this is about something else!

KOZANTIERO: {puts troop down} Explain.

MACRO SIREN TROOP: Okay, this fanstuff paradox you mentioned about...

KOZANTIERO: Yes?

MACRO SIREN TROOP: I happened to stumble over these "FANSTUFF GUIDELINES" on the site and I found something of valuable importance...

KOZANTIERO: Go on.

MACRO SIREN TROOP: {gulp} ...we have to take over Free Country USA or be killed in the process.

{Suddenly, a crescendo is heard, and everyone in the room gasps, except for Markie and Markie.EXE, who are out of sight and somehow broke the chains. We pan to behind Kozantiero to reveal a Toad with an MP3 player. Kozantiero turns around and eyes the Toad suspiciously.}

MP3 TOAD: ...what? I'm the sound effects manager!

{SCENE MISSING}

{Cut to the MP3 Toad outside what seems to be Kozantiero's HQ. His legs are sticking out of the smelly trash can. Cut back to Kozantiero.}

KOZANTIERO: Drat! And if we don't?

MACRO SIREN TROOP: I told you, sir, we'll get killed!

KOZANTIERO: And how will we get killed?

MACRO SIREN TROOP: Uh...there is some deity that's going to kill us!

KOZANTIERO: Deity? I don't believe in some deities, except for the bread deity.

MACRO SIREN TROOP: Sir, we need to act quick-

KOZANTIERO: Move along now! I need to improvise.

{Kozantiero shoves the troop back through the wall, and he turns around to find that Markie is gone, along with the Bluey. Surprise lines appear overhead as he turns around, with surprise lines surrounding traces Markie has left.}

KOZANTIERO: ...son of a- CRAP CRAP CRAP!!! {to Macro Siren Generals} GENERALS! FIND THIS YOSHI AND TERMINATE HIM! I must improvise a plan in the meantime!

{The Generals wheel off the opposite direction of the chains on the walls, while Kozantiero walks through the doorway he came through. Cut to an open crate labeled "FRAGILE SLAVERY". Markie is in it, with his Bluey OS 289 in his lap.}

MARKIE: {typing in "markie_email_inbox.exe"} Alright, the coast is clear. They mentioned something about a fanstuff paradox...and yet this fanstuff paradox...ah, maybe later. {presses enter}

Markie

The matrix has you

MARKIE: {reading} Markie...the matrix...has you? Weird. Even a 200 year old can be freaked out by this. Even...even...ah, what am I thinking? I better get out of here before this "matrix" gets at my cracked mind. {gets up and leaves crate}

{Cut to Homestar Runner walking along a futuristic sidewalk.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Strong Baaaaaaaaaaad...Strong Baaaaaaaaaad!!! Strong Bad! Where are ya, buddy?

{Pan to BurninatorBoombox, who is strolling behind him.}

BURNINATORBOOMBOX: Remember, we are not looking for Strong Bad. We are looking for this guy-slash-Yoshi named Markie.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Right, right. Marrrrrrrrrrrk Baaaaaaaaaaaaad...

BURNINATORBOOMBOX: Very clever. I could come up with an insult like that.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {skids to a halt} You mean the ones you say when you get cornered by ogres at the corners of the world? Bullhonkey!

BURNINATORBOOMBOX: Let's just say...yes.

{They continue to walk/stroll down the sidewalk, until they reach a pile of flaming rubble. Cue record scratch as they stop walking.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Sweet mother of Dana Stubblefield! What is that? {jumps back in surprise}

{Quickly scroll rightwards to a progressively growing mound of flaming rubble. At the other side of the rubble, two Toads with safety goggles, blue vests, and laser pistols, are hiding behind a go-kart as they exchange fire with the unseen enemy.}

TOAD SOLDIER #1: {pulls out walkie-talkie} Sir, sir! This is Jimmy Toad of the resistance. We're pinned down!

???: {from other end, has a British accent} Try your best to hold them out longer! We will be sending reinforcements in 30 seconds! Repeat, reinforcements in 30 seconds!

JIMMY TOAD: I can't! My laser pistol is running out of alkaline battery!

???: Throw rocks, dangit! {static}

TOAD SOLDIER #2: Jimmy, I've shot the majority of the Macro Sirens! But they keep pressing onwards!

JIMMY TOAD: Eddy, the general says to hold them out longer! We've got reinforcements arriving in 22 seconds!

EDDY TOAD: Right, right. {fires laser pistol some more} EAT NOT-SO-PLASMATIC LEAD, SUCKAS!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!

{Quickly scroll back to BurninatorBoombox and Homestar Runner}

BURNINATORBOOMBOX: By golly, you're right! Even my X-Ray...compatibilities...of not...leching...pick up a war in this front! We better help these guys out!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Hold on there, pardner! {puts on mixing bowl and holds up mixing spoon} The Homestarmy will shave the day once again!

BURNINATORBOOMBOX: You really think that was necessary?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Well, I do it all the time, for a boot. CHARGE! {runs off}

BURNINATORBOOMBOX: WAIT! {quickly strolls behind} You might get shot to brainy bits!...

{As soon as they run off-screen, lasers are heard and the screen flashes many times. Scroll to the right, past the go-kart. Homestar Runner and BurninatorBoombox have tackled two Macro Siren Troops down for the count. The other ten troops ignore them.}

EDDY TOAD: HOLY SMOKES, JIMMY! We have company! And they're not from around here!

JIMMY TOAD: Say what?

{Jimmy's walkie-talkie crackles to life.}

???: Reinforcements have arrived! We are dropping hydrogen bombs as we speak. {static}

{Pan to the sky. Supersonic jets fly by, quickly dropping Para-Bombs that fall on the enemy territory. Explosions occur and everything is clouded in mist.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh cwap! We've been grayed down!

BURNINATORBOOMBOX: Keep on your toes, white dude! We can attack these troops from here!

{Splotching sounds. We reveal Homestar Runner, who is stomping on one of the Macro Siren Troops with his feet.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {singing} Butt dance attack! Butt da-a-a-ance attack, shove it down your pockets!

{Homestar gets shoved out of view by an alerted Macro Siren Troop.}

MACRO SIREN TROOP: That was for stomping on my comrade's limited edition signatured armor!

BURNINATORBOOMBOX: And THIS {antenna morphs into mini-turret} is for your mom!

{BurnBox fires a mini-rocket at the Macro Siren Troop. We go to the rocket's POV. As it closes in on the troop's helmet, we cut to another POV and watch as the troop is knocked back into the mist by the rocket's explosion. Homestar Runner quickly marches out from the mist.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Man, these guys are tough like Rowdy McMegatron!.

BURNINATORBOOMBOX: You don't see humbrates like that every day!

{The mist clears.}

JIMMY TOAD: {off-screen} ALRIGHT! CLEAR!

{Both Toad troops, screaming at the top of their lungs, dash straight through the screen with their laser pistols firing everywhere. Homestar Runner responds to this by ducking in awkward positions, whereas the remaining Macro Siren Troops are blasted or killed by the laser shots. The Toads dash off-screen.}

BURNINATORBOOMBOX: Something tells me we're getting more help that we need...

{Eddy pokes his head from the edge of the screen.}

EDDY TOAD: Hey, kids! You want help? You've got help. {camera scrolls right to reveal a wall of rubble and Jimmy Toad pounding against the rubble with his fist} We here be the Mushroom Resistance.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Scoudrelous! {stamps his foot on dead troop} The Homestarmy will make this army an enemy of a stating!

EDDY TOAD: Okay, calm down. And we'll probably not shoot you. Besides, we want to ally with your, uh, army. And stop this menace called the Macro Siren Bread Army.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Bread army? But bread sing-a-longs...they're-

BURNINATORBOOMBOX: {sighs} LISTEN CAREFUL ELSE DIE!!!oneone.

EDDY TOAD: Well, for you guys being so nice to me, I'd like to take you in to the Mushroom Resistance HQ.

{Homestar and BurnBox stare at each other, then at Eddy.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: ...uh...crackerfish!

EDDY TOAD: I'll take that as a yes.

{Cut to Markie once again, this time tiptoing down the hallway leading to the prison room. He is currently sneaking up behind a Macro Siren Private, who is sitting on a crate with his back facing Markie. He has a laptop on his lap and is viewing a confusing encryption.}

MACRO PRIVATE: So this is the plans for world domination...revised last Thursday.

MARKIE: {to himself, whispering} Revised last Blursday...

MACRO PRIVATE: {twitches} What was that?

MARKIE: Uh...{quickly} NOTHING SOLDIER NOW GET BACK TO WORK FOOL!

{The unaware Macro Private continues to go about in his business.}

MACRO PRIVATE: Wait just a second...{turns around, no one is behind him} Oh. Back to reading the plans!

{We pan upwards at an open ventilation shaft. Peering inside this ventilation shaft we see Markie slowly crawling through a scribbled-out vent. Words written with permanent pen read on the shaft: "TEH MATRIX HAS YOU", "YO MOM'S DOMINATRIX", "SURRENDER MARKIE".}

MARKIE: That's weird. This vent is callertizing for my name. Maybe I shouldn't eat 386 bowls of dirt next time.

{Markie approaches an opening in the shaft. Cautiously he peeks down. The camera follows his sight downwards to a dark tinted room. A strange device, an exact replica of the TimeShine, is in the center of the room.}

MARKIE: Good crap! It's...it can't be! {clears throat and spits out Bluey, which is coated with saliva} I better log this into my logbook or something. Here I go! I think.

{Before he can, however, he suddenly falls through the hole, and everything turns pitch black.}

MARKIE: Oh-em-gee.

{The new hologram projector comes down. It reads "Finally, no more disorganization! - Email Markie at [email protected]".}

Easter Eggs

• Hovering your mouse above the center of the screen reveals the Bluey OS 289. Click it to see what is up with Maruux-II.

{Maruux-II is standing at the front of a giant fort-like building with brass double-doors that act as the mouth/lips of a marble Kozantiero's head.}

MARUUX-II: Well, {brandishes sharp, steel-blue Katana} this is going to take a lot of work.

Fun Facts

NONE YET.