Conshow/42

Summary

This is why we can't have nice things

Transcript

{Intro}

{Open to the base - Lobby, Conchris and Cruroar are sitting on the couch holding game controllers}

CONCHRIS: You know what would be really stupid?

CRUROAR: What?

CONCHRIS: If we somehow get teleported into a video game by accident.

CRUROAR: If that happened, we would sue the pants off the writer.

CONCHRIS: If that happened, we would die.

CRUROAR: If that happened, well... I don't know.

CONCHRIS: Come on! We're trapped on a mobile planet headed for Earth because that idiot back in Wikity, What's His Face, captured us and threw us on some kind of planet and we flew off somewhere.

{Cruroar stares at Conchris in surprise}

CRUROAR: There's continuity in this show?!

{A speaker slides down behind the two}

KYELERA: {voice} ALL PERSONNEL PLEASE REPORT TO THE TELEPORTER ROOM, RIGHT NOW!

{Conchris and Cruroar jumps out of the couch and hits the floor as the voice is speaking}

{Cut to the teleporter room, John is at the controls, Conchris and Cruroar walks in}

CONCHRIS: Okay, what's so important that we end up in here?

KYLERA: We're about to test the black hole generator! If this is a success, we'll {to herself} send the power to every villain in the universe and we will conquer the universe and the other universe as well!

CONCHRIS: What?

KYLERA: Sorry! I thought I was a villain for a second there! He he he! Anyway, FIRE IT UP!

JOHN: Yeah, gotcha! {pulls a lever}

{The black hole generator slowly starts up with a hum and starts to rattle and shake, electricity sparks in random directions. One of them hits Cruroar, another hits both Conchris and Cieeia. Nydara jumps back in surprise as they disappear}

NYDARA: STOP IT! STOP IT!

JOHN: Okay! {pulls the lever as Forest gets teleported away} What's wrong?

NYDARA: THEY'RE GONE!

{Dun dun dun!}

JOHN: Eh, whatever. {walks off} I need a drink...

{John and Nydara slowly walk off and the lights flicker off}

{Cut to Woodman's Stage from Megaman 2, Conchris and Forest teleport in}

CONCHRIS: Well, it seems like we ended up somewhere... right? Er... guys? Where are you?

FOREST: {silent due to Woodman's stage music playing} (They left because they hate you so much. Don't even think about using the armour again!)

CONCHRIS: Too bad. GET OVER HERE! {pulls out a slingshot and hits Forest with it, making her disappear} OH CRAP! {disappears}

{Cut to a field, Cruroar and Cieeia appears in the middle of nowhere}

CIEEIA: Where are we?

CRUROAR: A field? What the hell? Is this an RPG?

{The screen flashes and the scene cuts to the field with a slime facing the screen, there are two boxes that read "Cruroar/Cieeia - HP: 40/40 - PP: 30/30"}

CRUROAR: What the? Where are we? Where are you?

CIEEIA: This is an RPG! Look! A generic slime!

{The cursor highlights attack and selects the slime, the box at the top reads "Cruroar's attack", the slime flashes and the box reads "SMAAAAAASSSSH! The Slime takes 302 damage!", the slime then disappears, making the box read "YOU WON!"}

CRUROAR: That was... surprisingly... easy...

CIEEIA: Huh.

CRUROAR: Do we get anything?

{The box reads "Cruroar and his friends gain 0 exp!}

CRUROAR: WHAT?!

{Cut to a mansion, Conchris and Forest suddenly appears near the doorway}

CONCHRIS: Where are we now?

{Cruroar and Cieeia suddenly appear behind them, scaring Conchris}

CRUROAR: -PG SUCKS! Oh, hey.

CONCHRIS: Where have you two been? Did you guys end up in a dating sim?

CIEEIA: Would you stop doing that?

CONCHRIS: Doing what?

CIEEIA: Annoying us about it!

CONCHRIS: Forest, note this down. "Cieeia hates all mentions of her relationship with Cruroar"

FOREST: {Castlevania music} (Noted.)

CIEEIA: I have the urge to punch you in the face.

CONCHRIS: Don't... I heard from the Engrish-style intro that we have to defeat the "Big Bad" in the "Castle of Grave Danger" to stop his insidious plan.

CRUROAR: Who wrote this plot? Chrionroar?

{Cut to the writer's desk, the writer is knocked out on the floor. Chrionroar slowly slides in and looks around, he slides back and then hops onto screen with a grin and holding a pen, he then scribbles something down}

CHRIONROAR: I HAS AWEZOME PLANTZ!

{Cut back to the mansion}

CRUROAR: O...kay... so, does it involve trying to kill giant sprites?

CONCHRIS: Yes.

{A giant Mr. Dream sprite slowly slides up behind them in the background as the mansion collapses}

CONCHRIS: DAMN YOU CENSORSHIP!

{Mr. Dream does an uppercut and the group explodes into a pile of blood, except for Forest}

FOREST: (I can't be killed that easily!)

{Cut to the moon, Forest lands on it as Mr. Dream slowly slides up to meet her}

FOREST: (DIE!)

{Forest jumps up and fires a missile at Mr. Dream's face, he falls over and Referee Mario slowly walks over}

REFEREE MARIO: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5... {Mr. Dream slides back up} Fight! {walks backwards off the screen}

{Forest starts blinking as Mr. Dream quickly starts to throw his punches at Forest. Forest quickly dodges his attacks but gets knocked down by one punch. She stops blinking as she hits the floor. An energy bar also appears in the upper-left that is half-full}

REFEREE MARIO: {appears out of nowhere} 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9... {Forest gets up} Fight!

FOREST: (I can't be beaten this easily!)

{Forest's colour palette suddenly switches to blue and cyan and she starts firing bullet-sized lasers at Mr. Dream, he starts groaning and smacks Forest with his left fist, Forest recovers from the shock and charges up her weapon as Mr. Dream tries to uppercut her. She then jumps onto Mr. Dream's left arm whilst blinking fast}

FOREST: (Goodnight)

{A giant laser fires out of the arm cannon as Mr. Dream cries out in agony. He then slides down off the screen again, exploding. Referee Mario appears out of nowhere again}

REFEREE MARIO: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5... {Mr. Dream attempts to get up but fails} 6. 7. 8. 9... {Mr. Dream tries to get up again but only makes it halfway before giving up} 10. K.O!

{8-Bit cheering is heard and the Punchout victory theme is played. A box then appears reading "-MD- GET EQUIPPED WITH" pausing for a second before it puts in "BOXING GLOVES". Forest suddenly turns blue and green with red hands shaped like boxing gloves}

FOREST: (Great. A useless melee weapon that nobody will use that is the weakness of Dr. Wily in the last fight. How [CENSORED] great is that?!)

{Cut to a castle, Conchris, Cruroar and Cieeia suddenly fly through the top and ends up in a throne room, Conchris is the first to get up as he notices a human-like figure on the throne}

CONCHRIS: I hate repeating jokes but: Die monster! You don't belong in this world!

BIG BAD: It was not by my hand that I was once again given life! I was summoned by humans that wish to pay ME tribute!

CONCHRIS: Tribute? You teleport men into video games and make them your slaves!

BIG BAD: Perhaps the same can be said for all villains!

CONCHRIS: Not really no... Er.. I mean: Mankind ill needs a noob such as you!

{The human-like figure stands up and tosses a glass at Conchris as he says "WHAT IS A MAN?!"}

BIG BAD: WHAT IS A MAN? {crash} A miserable little pile of cheat codes! But enough talk! HAVE AT YOU!

CONCHRIS: This is what I'm talking about!

{Conchris pulls out his laser blade and jabs the Big Bad in the chest, he stumbles over}

BIG BAD: DAMN YOU! How could you skip a really long fight sequence?!

CONCHRIS: I don't feel like dodging fireballs and homing apples today, shorty!

BIG BAD: Actually, they're more like giant cherries. Also... {explodes} AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

{The explosion covers the screen as it flashes white. After the explosion has stopped, the whiteness fades away to reveal a giant glowing white orb}

CONCHRIS: What the hell? Where are we?

VOICE: You are in the center of universe!

{Cieeia and Cruroar wakes up}

CIEEIA: The center of the universe? It's so pretty!

VOICE: Thanks, I'm glad someone likes it. I just had it polished like a week ago.

CRUROAR: Wait a minute, wouldn't we be attacked by something right about no-{spaceships fly out of nowhere and missiles chase Cruroar off-screen} AHH!

VOICE: Now, I shall send you back to your home universe!

CONCHRIS: Awesome! I can't wait to bomb some Sirhcnocs!

{The scene slowly shifts to the base's teleporter room, Conchris' smile slowly fades with it}

CONCHRIS: Damn it. I was hoping we'd end up on Earth.

CRUROAR: We're never letting you saying anything about stupid things ever again.

CIEEIA: Agreed!

{Pause}

CIEEIA: Cruroar, get him while I get the duct tape!

CONCHRIS: AHH!

{Cruroar chases Conchris off the screen}

FOREST: {castlevania music} It's a happy ending... for me anyway.

CIEEIA: Since when was it an happy end?

FOREST: (What?)

{Cut to Sirhcnoc's Lair on a hill on Earth in Wikity, Sirhcnoc is wearing a welder's mask}

SIRHCNOC: At last! My evil robot is complete! {holds up a toaster}

GREG: Er... yeah, that's a toaster.

SIRHCNOC: Who are you to judge my genius?

GREG: I can, and I will.

{Pause}

SIRHCNOC: Whatever! This robot is equipped with the latest bread-toasting technology! Soon, there will be no BREAD left in the world! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

{Pause}

GREG: {walks off, mumbling} Where's my train ticket to Decentville?

{Cue credits}

{Cut to a black screen with the words "END"}

SIRHCNOC: {voice} Oh, the robot ate it.

GREG: {voice} {sighs} I need to lie down... You just go ahead and make more robots disguised as... household devices...

SIRHCNOC: {voice} Man, I really need more ideas...