Conshow/71

Summary

Jake tries to find a new job, but keeps getting shut down. Will he find one to support his girlfriend AND his friends?

Transcript

{Open: Jake and Katie's House (heretofore referred to as The House) - Living Room, Jake is lying on the couch watching TV. An excerpt from Animalia Investigatus is playing in the background, Katie walks in, carrying a pile of clothes}

KATIE: Jake, sweetheart. Think you could help me carry this?

JAKE: Eh...

KATIE: Jake... I know you're feeling very demotivated but that's no reason to be--

JAKE: Eh...

KATIE: Jake... Don't make me get the killer robot out.

{Forest bursts in, arm cannon primed}

FOREST: The killer robot is already out, you bi-

{A giant laser shoots out of the arm cannon, engulfing both Jake and Katie, cue opening}

{Open: The House - Jake and Katie's room, an alarm clock beside the bed starts beeping wildly with Jake retaliating with a thwack, sitting up}

JAKE: Guh...

{Cut: Kitchen, Jake is eating cereal while Conchris and Forest talk in the background}

CONCHRIS: Blahblahblahblah--Dark Side--blahblahblahblah--Force--blahblahblahblah--Never forget--Bla-

FOREST: STOP YOUR STUPID BLABBERING BEFORE I END YOUR MISERABLE LIFE!

CONCHRIS: {feebly} ...okay...

{Cut: The Streets, Jake is walking along}

CHILD: {voice} Look mommy, it's the carrot man!

MOTHER: {voice} Now, now, dear. We all know that he looks like a carrot but that's--

{Cut: Supermarket, Aria and Mr. Person are pushing a shopping cart along. They are about to reach the last can on the shelf until a blur speeds by, leaving nothing but a trace}

ARIA: What?

{Cut: Supermarket - Checkouts, Jake is scanning in groceries at a self-checkout, placing items in the bag and presses something on the screen}

SELF CHECKOUT: Please wait for assistance.

JAKE: Augh, son of a--

{Cut: The Streets, Jake is getting increasingly annoyed}

MAN: Hey! Hey youse! Ya wants some watches? Sells them cheap! {beat} Okay, good talk.

{Cut: The House, living room. Jake kicks the door open, throws the bags onto the ground and collapses onto the floor, waking Katie up who was sleeping on the couch}

KATIE: Muh? Oh... Jake, you're home! How was your day?

JAKE: {muffled} Oh you know, awful.

KATIE: Pardon?

{Jake picks himself up, dark rings under his eyes}

JAKE: Same old, same old... {sighs} I don't think I like the unemployed life very much... but nobody wants me.

{Katie slides over to Jake, placing her hands on his arms}

KATIE: Of course people want you! I want you! Conches wants you. Aria and Mr. Person want you, too. I'm sure the job people who keep turning you down are just jealous of your accomplishments!

JAKE: I suppose... {places a finger on his chin} Hey, you think my week-long experience working at a run-down pizzeria as a night guard would count as experience in the security field?

KATIE: Uh... I suppose? Why? What entailed there?

JAKE: {nonchalantly} Oh, you know, watching the cameras, making sure everything is where they are... closing the doors, shining the lights, the works.

KATIE: Oh. Was it bad?

JAKE: Nope! And I still have the nightmares to prove it!

{Conchris suddenly pops up from behind the pair of them}

CONCHRIS: That's nice and all but, listen, Jake, is it okay if I use the house's power to supply my amusement park?

JAKE: Uh... I don't see why no--{glares at Conchris} YOU BUILT A WHAT NOW?!

CONCHRIS: An amusement park! You know! For kids! And adults that are like kids! And... everyone really.

JAKE: ...what... prompted you...

CONCHRIS: I just felt like it. Oh, by the way, I went ahead and did it without your--

{Screen suddenly goes dark, leaving naught but their eyes on-screen}

JAKE: Great. Everyone hold still.

KATIE: Why?

JAKE: Just... stay... still...

{Footsteps can be heard, followed by a music box playing which cuts out after five seconds, followed by more footsteps}

{Beat}

JAKE: Okay, I think we're--

{A loud scream is heard, cut short by the jump cut to the job agency}

MAN: I'm sorry sir but you're underqualified for quite literally every job that I could think of, save for a couple. I'm of the belief that you probably hadn't been trying very hard at school, haven't you?

JAKE: {bruised, injured} Uh... I've did very well at school, Katie can vouch for me.

KATIE: That he did, sir.

MAN: Uh... huh... listen... a week's experience at a pizzeria, a single day of escorting a very important person, two years experience of tv show acting isn't going to cut it in this field.

JAKE: Well, give me any job! Any! Job. I'll do it! Even if it means...

{Cut: Clark's Gift Shop, Clark is asleep at the counter before suddenly waking up to chimes being heard as an unseen door opens}

CLARK: Wha? Oh! Uh... welcome to my gift shop! We got-- WHAT THE?!

{Cut to reveal Jake, eyes half-lidded as he glares at Clark while holding up a newspaper ad}

JAKE: Yes. Hi. I'm here to enquire about a job opening at this gift shop? {runs a finger on one of the aisles, dust collecting to his fingertip} People don't come by very often, do they?

CLARK: They totally do! I, uh, well... {camera cuts to an isometric view of the shop} I guess people stopped coming here since last season...

JAKE: Huh... well, if you're hiring, I c-

CLARK: You're hired.

JAKE: Wh- really? Well, uh... when do I start?

CLARK: {points to the door beside him} Now. In there. I want a website, you good with computers?

JAKE: Are you kidding me? I'm a wiz at computers! {stands proudly} I'll have you know that I know all FIVE HTMLs!

CLARK: WHAT A BADASS!

{Jake flexes his (lack of) muscles for a few before trundling on into the next room. Clark laces his fingers together, glaring evilly at the camera}

CLARK: Fool, now that Jake is under my command, I'll have him make a website and people will FLOCK to my store! And they'll buy my overpriced merchandise! And I'll become the richest man in all of Reedsen! WAHAHAHAHAH-

{Clark's evil laughter is interrupted by Jake poking his head in from off-screen}

JAKE: Hey, uh, what kind of font should I use for the header? I mean, I could use Helvetica Nui but that one's already taken... so's Arial Black... {glances down} ...in fact, I think the only font we have left is Comic Sans.

CLARK: ...oh... well... use it anyway! WAHAHAHAHAHA!

{Jake shrugs while Clark is frozen in his laughter, arms raised and all}

'JAKE: Well, it works... {unpeeks}

CLARK: ...soon people will come flock to my store, and I'll be rich! And famous... and I'll have a spaceship! MY VERY OWN SPACESHIP! HAHAHAHAHA--

{Clark is suddenly startled by a sudden voice coming from the left side of the screen, the camera pans over to reveal that it is none other than...}

CONCHRIS: Hi, yes, I'd like to buy this toaster. {places a toaster on the counter} Don't ask me any questions, Carl, I'd just like my appliance for... mechanical... reasons...

CLARK: ...It's Clark, Conches... {narrows his eyes} What are you doing here anyway?

CONCHRIS: What? Oh, I heard about your store on the internet and I came to check it out... {looks around} ...not many people come here, do they?

CLARK: Well... I have a website...

CONCHRIS: Also, you're a butt.

CLARK: I REFUSE TO SERVICE YOU! GET OUT OF MY SHOP!

{Cut: The House - Living Room, Conchris is working on something lying on the couch as Jake enters}

JAKE: Oh... Conches... what are you doing on our couch?

CONCHRIS: It's... a thing.

JAKE: A thing, huh? Not a toaster by any ch--

CONCHRIS: IT'S NOT A TOASTER! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

{Beat}

{Cut: The Streets, Jake slams the door on Conchris, who is standing outside}

CONCHRIS: Oh... guess I should look to see whose house it is before yelling that.

{Timecard: One Week later, Cut: Clark's Gift Shop, Clark is slumped over the counter until a phone rings}

CLARK: Hello? Oh... uh... just one second.

{Clark opens the door to the work room, Jake is watching cat videos on the computer which he hastily minimizes as he hears Clark}

JAKE: Oh! Uh, hey, Clark, uhm, I just got the... parabulas... working...

CLARK: Uh huh... do you anything about this free hotdog with every purchase of our microwaves deal?

JAKE: I... uh... yeah?

CLARK: Well... I just wanted to say... YOU'RE FIRED!

{Cue credits, music is instead Why Did That Happen AGAIN? - Savestates}

Conshow Episode 71
Written and Directed by Conchris
Conchris, Jake, Katie, Clark, Mr. Person, Aria, Forest as themselves
Phone Guy as Man on Phone

Next Episode:
It Came From The Shallows