Animalia Investigatus/1

Summary

A bank in the Domesticus District gets robbed, and Animalia Investigatus is on the case! But who is this mysterious inspector that stays one step ahead of them?

Transcript

{Open: Outside the Domesticus District Bank, suspenseful music plays as an unmarked van approaches.}

{Cut: Inside the unmarked van, four masked people are inside, one of them is prepping a strange looking gun. They are rabbit-like, falcon-like, fox-like, and frog-like in appearance. Resemblances to famous team Star Fox clearly unintentional.}

FALCON ROBBER: 'ey, you guys done back there? We gotta joint ta rob!

FROG ROBBER: Almost! We just need to amplify the jibber-jabber, and tweak the-- {the fox person steals the gun from him} --hey!

FOX ROBBER: I think that's enough, let's roll!

{Cut: Inside the bank, people are milling about minding their own business until the team breaks in, sporting sunglasses}

FOX ROBBER: THIS IS A ROBBERY!

RABBIT ROBBER: That's it... put them hands up nice and easy now.

{The camera pans over to the till, the lady (robin-like in appearance) stares for a moment before reaching for the alarm underneath the desk, prompting the frog robber to point over in her direction}

FROG ROBBER: She's about to trip the alarm!

FOX ROBBER: Not if I can help it!

{The fox pulls the trigger on the odd gun, the camera cuts to outside the bank, aerial shot, as loud, booming music can be heard playing, a figure stumbles out, clutching at their ears as they stumble towards the nearest pay phone}

PERSON: Hello? Police? We got a robbery downtown! SEND HE--

MUSIC: D-D-D-D-D-D-D-DROP THA BASS! {Dubstep intensifies}

{Cut: Domesticus District Police Station, a bulldog officer with a nametag reading "Arnold" stares at the receiver for a moment before setting it down}

ARNOLD: Okay boys, listen up. {stands, putting his hands (paws?) on the table} We gotta a crime in progress downtown in our district, I need you to--

{Pan out to reveal that there's nobody in the office, the calendar near his desk indicates the day to be somewhere near Christmas}

ARNOLD: Oh son of a bitch, why did I come into work today? {sighs, picking up the phone} Guess I'll call up an ol' pal of mine.

{Cut: A table with a phone on it, it rings three times before a cat's hand picks it up}

PERSON: Yes? Right. Okay. Got it. {slams the receiver}

{The light turns on and the camera pans out, revealing this person to be Tal, who slips on his trenchcoat and trilby}

TAL: We're on our way...

{Intro - Music: Finding The First Puzzle Piece (Savestates)}

{Open: Outside Tal's House with the caption "Earlier that day...", a boy on a bicycle rides on by with a paper in hand. As Tal opens the door, the boy flings the paper, hitting him in the face}

TAL: OW! GEEZ! {rubs his nose} What is it with paperboys in this district and their ability to hit people in the face with newspaper?

{Tal picks up the newspaper and turns around, the camera cutting to inside the hall. He trips over a piece of loose carpeting, hitting himself with a newspaper}

TAL: OW! WHY?! {rubs his nose again}

WILL: {voice only} Y-You okay, sir...?

TAL: Ow... yes... perfectly fine, Will... {stands, letting the camera reveal Will, fidgeting and fussing. Tal hands over the newspaper for him to fidget with} Here. Take this to Hanna, she wants to know what's on page three so badly... {beat} Where is Hanna, anyway?

WILL: Uhm... o-out the, erm, back... {glances away} ...t-telling, uhm, stories t-to s-someone...

TAL: Oh for...

{Cut: Back Garden, Hanna is sitting by a campfire, surrounded by children with Alys also attending, who is staring at her with abject terror as she regales}

HANNA: ...but when the boy asked the girl about her father calling him, she said, "But my father was dead three months ago!" and then he screamed out, "BUT THEN WHO WA--"

TAL: {distant, voice} HANNA! STOP SCARING THE LOCAL KIDS WITH INTERNET HORROR STORIES AND GET IN HERE!

HANNA: {glances off-screen, yelling} But I was just getting to the best part!

TAL: DON'T CARE! GET OVER HERE!

HANNA: Fiiiiiiineeee... {exasperated} See you kids, tomorrow. Come on, Alys...

{Hanna gets up to leave, Alys still staring at her as she leaves before darting off screen after her}

{Cut: Living Room, Will and Tal is sitting on the couch, watching TV as Will gets interrupted by an Alys clinging to him. Hanna trudges in, picking up the newspaper sitting on the couch}

HANNA: {sighs} This better be worth the-- {opens the newspaper to page three, eyes widening} Well, hello! {pulls out a pair of scissors} This is going right in my scrapbook.

TAL: Yeah, yeah, just be sure not to cut out the articles about the crimes, we need them for--

{Hanna cuts out whatever was on page three, and then proceeds to make paper dolls out of the rest of the newspaper, causing Tal to look at her in exasperation}

'TAL: --really?

HANNA: What? I thought it looks cute! {pulls out the paper dolls} See? It's like a diorama... only with more murder and death. {peers down at the dolls} Oh hey, my grandpa's in here!

{Everyone stops what they were doing as a phone rings, Tal is first to get onto his feet}

TAL: Hold up, everyone, I've got this...

{Cut: Table w/ phone, Tal reaches out to pick it up}

TAL: Yes? Right. Okay. Got it.

{Tal opens the closet, slipping on his trenchcoat and trilby}

TAL: We're on our way...

{Cut: Outside Domesticus District Bank, a red beat-up car drives onto the scene, the group steps out of the car, beginning to walk to the bank}

WILL: S-so, uhm, w-what's the problem, erm, s-sir?

TAL: {frowns slightly to Will at being called sir} Well... there was signs of a robbery in the bank by a group of thugs calling themselves DubForce. Nobody really knows what happened but apparently there was a lot of bass dropping or something...

ALYS: {meekly} They used popular music?

TAL: Err... yeah, something like that... I dunno what it is that you kids listen to nowaday-- {eyes widen as they enter the bank} WHOAMAHGOD!

{Pan: Inside the bank, several unconscious (perhaps dead?) bodies are strewn about the scene, police investigators are already on the scene as Arnold approaches the stunned group, Will shrinking back in fear, clutching onto Alys}

ARNOLD: Ah, Tal! Good to see you again, old friend.

WILL: {quietly} S-Scary...

TAL: Arnold! Hehehe... {smiles nervously} G-Good to see you... again... a-after, uhm, th-that, urgh... r-reunion last week...

ARNOLD: Hah! {slaps Tal's back, hard, scaring Will and Alys from the sudden noise. Hanna appears to be poking one of the bodies} That was a good time, that was.

TAL: Yeah, whatever you say... S-So, uhm, what's happened here?

ARNOLD: Getting right to the chase! I like that in you, Inspector Tal.

TAL: That's... investigator Tal, sir.

ARNOLD: INSPECTOR Tal... {notices the two teenagers} ...and children, are they yours?

TAL: Wha? Oh. Those two? Not really mine, we just met and, uh, they're kinda shy. {whispers to Will and Alys} Say hi, you two.

WILL: Hi...

{Alys opts to give a small wave instead}

ARNOLD: Heh. Hello to you two! Don't worry, I won't bite. A friend of Tal is a friend of mine! {breathes in deeply} Anyway, as you already know, there's been a robbery, as you can see by these... bodies... lying around. We've tried everything to see if they're still alive but whenever someone touches them, they start doing that thing with their backside.

TAL: {raises an eyebrow} What thing?

ARNOLD: You know... {leans in to whisper} Twerking...

TAL: TWERKING?!

WILL: T-Twerking?

{Hanna looks up from her poking the unconscious body, doing exactly that}

HANNA: Twerking? I just thought I was an electromancer or something!

ARNOLD: And the worst part is, the ones that do come to, they don't have any memories of the event! But there was ONE eyewitness...

TAL: Oh good, maybe this case will be solved quicker than we thought.

ARNOLD: ...but they were kidnapped.

TAL: OH GODDAMNIT!

ARNOLD: So, you guys are going to have to see what the forensics team has failed to find. As the only one in the police force here with proper authority, I'm giving you full rights to the scene, inside AND outside!

HANNA: Does this mean I can loot their wallets?

TAL: No, Hanna, it just means... just means... {blinks twice} Will, Alys, what does that mean?

{Will and Alys shake their collective heads and shrug}

ARNOLD: ...it means you can touch everything... BUT NO TAKING THINGS! {starts walking off} Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with the coffee machine...

{Arnold walks off, leaving the group to their own devices, Tal sighs in relief, brushing off a bead of sweat from his forehead}

TAL: Okay... now to get down to business. Will, Alys, I want you to investigate the vault, me and Hanna will find out what caused all this to happen.

{Will and Alys stand to attention, saluting Tal}

WILL: Y-Yes sir! {runs off}

ALYS: Right away sir... {dashes off after Will}

TAL: Alright, Hanna... Hanna?

{Screen swipe to Hanna watching the unconscious bodies dancing, giggling maniacally. The screens stays where it was for a few moments before cutting back to Tal, facepalming}

TAL: Why are we even an investigatory group again?

{Cut: The Vault, Will and Alys are cautiously walking through, holding hands and the like}

WILL: S-See anything?

ALYS: N-Not really... think there's marks?

WILL: I-I, uhm, dunno... {purses lips in thought, twitching as he hears a distant noise} W-Wait, hold on...

{Will stops in his tracks for a moment to pull out a beeping device}

WILL: There's s-someone in here...

{Will and Alys suddenly jump a few inches into the air as a cage slams around them, followed by another cage slamming right next to them. The camera pans over to reveal the group of thieves from earlier}

FOX ROBBER: Ha ha! We knew you fools would be coming so we-- Wait a second, where's the other two?!

{Beat}

FOX ROBBER: No matter... we've avoided detection long enough, {pulls out a strange gun} AND WE'LL KEEP AVOIDING IT!

{Cut to the lobby, Tal's ears perk up as he hears loud screams}

TAL: Welp, there it goes. Come on, Hanna, quit being a girl and let's go.

HANNA: Aww! But I was almost done reenacting my favorite scene from the ya-

TAL: {grabs Hanna by the collar, dragging her off} Enough!

HANNA: Nooooooooooooooooo...

{Cut to the vault, Will and Alys are passed out on the floor as Tal and Hanna enter}

FOX ROBBER: Now you'll think twice before trying to put a stop to: ASTRAL FOX!

{Dramatic stinger plays until the falcon robber pokes his head up from behind the piles of cash}

FALCON ROBBER: Ey, what gives? Why does ya name get all the glory?

TAL: The only glory you guys will be getting... {pulls out a gun from his trenchcoat} ...is pain!

{Tal fires off a few shots at the group, first shooting the gun out of the fox's hands, then missing them completely and then again, and again, and again, until his gun clicks}

TAL: No... nononono! I thought I packed more bullets than this!

{The rabbit and frog robbers pokes their head out, carrying shovels over their shoulders. The group then drop what they're doing and pulls out tommy guns}

TAL: Well... shoot...

{Gunfire sounds, scene immediately cuts to credits}

{Halfway into the credits, the scene cuts back to reveal that Tal is completely unharmed, with Hanna popping up behind the fox robber}

HANNA: 'sup?

FOX ROBBER: Uh... hey...

HANNA: What's going down?

FOX ROBBER: YOU ARE! {moves to pull the trigger again, only to find that Hanna had stolen it} OH, WHAT THE CRAP?!

{Hanna tosses the gun to Tal, who brandishes it threateningly, grinning maniacally}

TAL: Say hello to my little friend!

FOX ROBBER: That joke is old and you're-- {gets interrupted by gunfire, knocking him and the rest to the ground} --GAAAH!

{Cut: Outside, Astral Fox is locked up in the police van}

TAL: Well, we didn't expect them to be staying at the scene of the crime...

ARNOLD: Well, the only thing they'll be staying in, now, is a jail cell! Good work, you guys. {throws a bag of money to Tal} Take this, you've earned it.

TAL: This is going straight into therapy.

FOX ROBBER: Hey, dubstep is cool, right?

FALCON ROBBER: N'yeah!

TAL: No... it isn't... very much.

FOX ROBBER: D'oh! The boss is going to be very mad when he finds out we've ballsed it up.

FROG ROBBER: You're telling me.

TAL: Well, looks like it's a happy ending after all!

{Tal, Hanna, and Arnold fake laughter, the camera panning out to reveal Will and Alys in the car, huddled up together, eventually the scene goes dark, cue credits}

{Music aid: Congrats, You're Old Hat! - Savestates, start at 3:02}

Animalia Investigatus
Show written and directed by Conchris
William Harrowton as Will
Alys as herself
Tal as himself, stunt double played by Felix the Cat
Hanna as herself
Arnold Schwarzenegger as Arnold
Fax McCloud as the Fox Robber
Falca Lombardi as the Falcon Robber
Pepper Hair as the Rabbit Robber
Slipped Frog as the Frog Robber 

No animals were hurt in the production of this show.

Sponsored by [[User:Conchris|Reedsen Network]]

Next episode:
"Castles and Reptiles"