Conshow/73

Summary

Clark contends with a new villain on the block, or should that be villainess?

Transcript

{Open: The House, Conchris and Jake are eating cereal}

CONCHRIS: Do you ever get the feeling that Clark's been getting more screentime lately?

JAKE: Eh, I never noticed, perhaps it's because it might be edgy to focus on the villains than the heroes for a change.

{They both make an aside glance to the camera}

CONCHRIS: Well, I hope we don't get forgotten... at all.

{Cue intro}

{Open: Clark's Gift Shop, Clark is waving off a customer}

CLARK: Thanks for stopping by Clark's Gift Shop! Tell your friends! And your enemies! And your frenemies! {slumps over} Man, running a gift shop is hard nowadays, I wonde--

{A chime can be heard from off-screen, a person in a trenchcoat walks in, stage left, staring intently at Clark}

CLARK: {stands up straight} Oh! Hello! Welcome to Clark's Gift Shop, how can I he-- {gets interrupted with a fist in the face} --Oof!

{Cut: A dark, non-descript building, the camera slowly pans in before cutting to blackness. The darkness is broken by a spotlight, revealing Clark sitting in a comfortable chair with an ice pack on his head}

CLARK: Oww... wh-where am I? {looks indignated} This is not my house!

VOICE: No, of course not.

CLARK: Wha...? Who said that?

{A screen pans down from the dark ceiling, turning on to reveal a green-skinned alien wearing a doctor's outfit}

CLARK: Doctor... uh... I, uh... can't quite remember your name but, uh... DOCTOR--

DR. GRELSLIPTZ: Grelsliptz. Your representative of villains presiding in the Reedsen zone? We've noticed a lack of villainry coming from y--

CLARK: Hey! I'll have you know that I stole candy from a baby just last week! And then I paid the mother back! With interest!

GRELSLIPTZ: That's nice... but we've become increasingly concerned that you are not doing your task of harassing the heroes enough.

CLARK: Well... I've been firing this one guy over and over... does that count?

{Beat}

CLARK: Does it?

{Beat}

CLARK: You're killing me here!

GRELSLIPTZ: Firing a hero that isn't even a minion isn't evil enough to be on our records. So... Mr. Clark... do you realise what this means?

CLARK: That, uh... I get out of this chair and get off scott free because I'm the only villain in this neighbourhood?

GRELSLIPTZ: No, we'll be sending a new villain to Reedsen that you'll be competing against. If you truly believe that you are fit for a life of villainry, then you must comply with our challenge. If not, then it's your loss.

CLARK: Oh come on! None of the other villains I know had to do that! Don't you remember Xavian?! He was a pretty villainous dude!

GRELSLIPTZ: He was, then he was killed. So no, he's not a pretty villainous "dude". Anyway, this conversation is over, there are snacks and drinks in the reception on your way out. Have a nice day.

{The screen shuts off and the entire room lights up, Clark stands up}

CLARK: Dooooooh! I'll show them! I'll eat ALL the snacks and drink ALL the drinks!

{Cut: Clark's Gift Shop, Clark is laying down on the bed in a side room, groaning}

CLARK: Maybe I shouldn't have had too many nachos...

{Jake pokes his head in from behind the door}

JAKE: Hey, Clark? We have a visitor. Says she's here to see some guy named Clark and I figured that would be you. {beat} And also, your doctor called, he says that you don't have seven different types of cancer.

CLARK: But the internet doesn't lie to me!

JAKE: Whatever... I'm going to go watch cat videos while you... exchange pleasantries, I guess. Happy villaining.

CLARK: {yelling as Jake walks off} It's VILLAINISING, you uncultured piece of sh-- {A crack is heard from his spine, causing him to slump back into the bed}

{Cut: Clark's Gift Shop - Main Room, Clark walks through the door to the main room of the gift shop, rubbing his back, eyes half-lidded}

CLARK: Okay, let's get this over with... I know my re--

{Clark immediately jumps to the side as a laser is fired at him, hitting the wall next to him}

CLARK: WHOA JEEZ. CALM DO--

{Screen pans over to reveal a purple-haired woman wearing casual clothes, laser gun pointed at Clark}

CLARK: Katie?! I didn't know you changed the color of your hair and started trying to kill me!

JAKE: {off-screen} I thought that's what we were trying to do?

CLARK: SHUT UP! YOU'RE FIRED!

WOMAN: So, you must be Clark, yes?

CLARK: Uh... yes... that is I... Clark... Gift Shop Guy... person... man... and you are?

WOMAN: You don't remember your former lovers?

CLARK: {gasps dramatically} You don't mean...

WOMAN: Yes, it is I... Cla--

CLARK: Annabelle?!

{The woman stares angrily at Clark, looking distraught}

WOMAN: No. {beat} It is I, scourge of Zombotawn and Geraldville, slayer of countless heroes and heroines, victor of the Villain's World Cup three times in the running, I am Clarice, the Dark Lady!

CLARK: Clarice?!

JAKE: Clarice?!

CLARICE: Yes, Clarice. {looks at Jake} And this is your minion, I presume?

CLARK: Uh... no... he works here.

JAKE: Hi. I'm Jake Goodwin, uhm, guy who stars in this show... Conshow? Y-Y'know... you ever watch th--

CLARICE: No.

JAKE: Oh... didn't think so.

CLARICE: Anyway, the Brotherhood of Villains had realised that villainry ratings of Reedsen have been at an alltime low, people are frockling through the streets and everyone is happy and cheerful (JAKE: I'm not.) and that sickens Reedsen's villainous representative. So, I, Clarice, have decided to declare that I will, from now on, be taking your place as villain of Reedsen City!

CLARK: Hey! You can't fire me! Only I can fire me!

JAKE: Uh... it's more of a usurpi--

CLARK: YOU'RE FIRED!

CLARICE: Your not-minion is right, Clark. I'm usurping your position as Villain, and there's nothing you can do to stop me.

CLARK: YOU'RE ALSO FIRED! OUT OF A CANNON! {pulls a lever on the counter, opening a trap door just a few feet away from Clarice} ...as soon as you step a few paces to the right.

CLARICE: Right... okay, well, it was nice knowing you, Clark.

{Clarice exits, stage left}

CLARK: Ooh, that son of a gun! I'm going to give {starts walking off-screen} her a piece of my-- {falls off-screen, voice gradually fading} --miiIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnnnndddddddddddddd!

JAKE: {leans over the counter, shouting down the hole} You have fun with that.

{Cut: Ominous Fortress, Clarice is sitting in a room filled with screens, various henchmen are manning the computers, with a couple milling about}

CLARICE: So, first things first... we need a perimeter check of the city, find those heroes... and invite them over for some tea... and death!

HENCHMAN: Isn't that something all generic villains do?

CLARICE: I saw it on TV, so it must work!

HENCHMAN: {sighs} Why did the other towns fall to you again?

{Cut: The House, Conchris and Jake are playing on a totally non-copyright infringing gaming device. Jake huffs in frustration}

JAKE: Why is it that you always do that?

CONCHRIS: Do what?

JAKE: Camp the edge, like a little wuss. It's, like, you want to marry it or something.

CONCHRIS: Pfft, do not!

{A doorbell rings, Conchris and Jake look up from their game.}

JAKE: Do you remember installing a doorbell?

CONCHRIS: Not re-

{The front door blasts open, revealing Clarice with a bunch of henchman, she poses in a villainous manner}

CLARICE: I hope you don't mind if I... bust in? {does a mini fist pump} Ooh! Still got it!

JAKE: Oh... hey Clarice. How's villainry?

CLARICE: Oh hey, not-Clark's minion.

CONCHRIS: WHO ARE YOU?

CLARICE: I am Clarice, your show's newest and greatest villain. And I have come...

CONCHRIS: To kidnap us?

CLARICE: ...I... wait, huh?

CONCHRIS: Oh, please. I saw that one coming from a mile away! Seriously, villains are getting t-- {gets shot by a taser, flumping to the floor}

CLARICE: SIEZE THEM! ALL OF THEM!

{Cut to a hill, Clark is lying down, looking down at The House as henchman charge in, dragging people out of the house}

CLARK: How dare she make a direct response to the heroes?! Doesn't she know that's against villain code? {sighs angrily} Well, if I'm going to become a villain again, I'm going to have to take her down a peg or two... or three... but first, I need minions... but where would I... {expression becomes one of satisfaction} Of course...

{Cut to the Street, Jake and Katie are being lead out of the house}

JAKE: Uh, listen, do you think I can call into my workplace? Tell the boss that I might not make it tomorrow because I'm being kidnapped? Can I do that?

HENCHMAN: No. Keep walking.

VOICEOVER: What kind of tea party does Clarice have up her sleeve? Why have our heroes become so complacent? Will Clark ever get his villainry license back? Find out in the next episode of the Conshow!

{Cue credits (1)}