(even if you aren't vegan)
Conshow/34
Contents
Summary
Conchris and the gang somehow get caught up in a space pirate's adventure. What horrible fate awaits them? Also, will Chrionroar find the amulet in Candyland? Or will he end up in another world?
TWO WAY EPISODE
Transcript
{Open to the ship's bridge, Cruroar is sleeping on the couch when Conchris bursts in with an air horn}
CONCHRIS: Hmm... this should be hilarious...
{Conchris slowly sneaks up behind Cruroar and places the air horn close to his ears, he presses the button but nothing happens}
CONCHRIS: What the hell? I thought something was...
{Cruroar lifts up an air horn and blasts it Conchris, Conchris then flies offscreen as Cruroar places it down again}
CRUROAR: Don't bother...
{Cue introduction}
Episode 34: In Space, Idiots can hear you scream...
{Open to the ship's bridge, Cruroar walks in hauling a big bag}
CONCHRIS: Hey, idiot! Have you seen Forest around? She hasn't been around since like, last episode.
CRUROAR: {hesistant} Er.. no, I haven't seen her. Not at all!
FOREST: {in the bag} I like cheese!
{Pause}
CONCHRIS: {suspiciously} Yeah, that robotic voice sounds nothing like Forest, eh, Cruroar or should I say... {tears Cruroar's face off} SKELETOR?
CRUROAR: AHH! MY FACE! {covers face and runs off}
{Nydara walks into the scene}
NYDARA: Was it really necessary to tear his face off?
CONCHRIS: Yes. It teaches him a lesson in pain. Painful pain.
NYDARA: Interesting... Any other interesting facts about Humans I should know?
CONCHRIS: Well...
{Cut to the Quiet Room, Cieeia is reading a book when Cruroar runs in screaming}
CIEEIA: Cruroar! What's all that screaming about?
CRUROAR: AAAAAAH! MY FACE!
CIEEIA: Your face? Is it burning?
CRUROAR: I CAN FEEL MY LIFE BEING SUCKED OUT OF ME! AAAAH!
CIEEIA: Let me see your face.
CRUROAR: NO! IT'S TERRIBLE!
CIEEIA: Show it. Now.
CRUROAR: FINE! {removes hands from his face to show that his face is normal} Huh? What the?
CIEEIA: So, you were screaming for nothing?
CRUROAR: I could've sworn that...
COMPUTER: Noise level reaching critical limit. Engaging Plan A.
{A boot comes out of nowhere and kicks Cruroar in the crotch, he doubles over in pain. Another boot flies out of nowhere and hits him in the head}
CRUROAR: Owww! Ooooh... the pain.
CIEEIA: Well, it is the Quiet Room after all.
CRUROAR: Why did I even decide to scream in here! {another boot hits him in the back} Oww...
{Cut back to the bridge, Nydara is writing things down on a notepad}
CONCHRIS: And that's how the dinosaurs were wiped out!
NYDARA: Very interesting. So, you're saying that the dinosaurs were wiped out by a giant meteor?
CONCHRIS: Yes, and the fact that the meaning of life is...
{An explosion is heard and alarms start sounding}
CONCHRIS: I wonder who that could be?
NYDARA: Oh no! Look! SPACE PIRATES!
{Cut to the entrance to the bridge, several robotic pirates stand at the entrance with their cutlasses drawn}
SPACE PIRATE #1: Yarr! We bes in yer base, stealing yer goods!
SPACE CAPTAIN: We be taking ye hostage! Get 'em, lads!
{The space pirates charge at the duo, Conchris pulls out his laser blade and turns it on, it immediately turns off. Conchris starts to shake the blade}
CONCHRIS: Come on... {The blade makes a jingle as it turns on} HA! {gets thrown into the air} Why me? {crashes into a wall and slumps down}
{The space pirates begin to close on Nydara, Nydara reaches into her coat pocket and pulls out a flask}
NYDARA: Stay... Stay back or I'll... I'll... kill you! With er... Science!
SPACE PIRATES: Huh? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
SPACE PIRATE #5: Listen, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. I like the hard way mor-{Nydara throws the flask's content at the space pirate's face} ARGH, MY FACE!
SPACE PIRATE #2: Get her!
{The space pirates snatch up Nydara and cages her, they then pick up Conchris and tie a rope around him. Two more space pirates are dragging along Cruroar and Cieeia}
SPACE PIRATE #7: We've found all the hostages we can!
SPACE CAPTAIN: Throw them onto the ship!
{The scene fades to black and then, after a few seconds, fades back into a dark room, Conchris wakes up}
CONCHRIS: Where am I?
ROBOT: You're in hell. {coughs}
CONCHRIS: Who are you?
ROBOT: My serial number was l33r0y-j3nk1n5. {coughs} Sorry, I've grown old in here.
CONCHRIS: Geez, what happened to you?
ROBOT: I was captured when I stupidly decided to attack the space pirates. Their powers were a match for mine...
CONCHRIS: You had a crew?
ROBOT: Yeah, but they all died. {slides open a small window looking outside} Look.
CONCHRIS: {looks through the window} GAH!
{Cut to the window, there are severed robot heads lying about and a few dead bodies}
ROBOT: {coughs} There's no way out now. All you can do is sit and wait to die...
{Cut back to the jail cell, Conchris slumps down in horror}
CONCHRIS: No way out...
ROBOT: Yep. Life sucks, ain't it kid?
{The camera slowly pans across the jail to another cell, Cruroar wakes up and gets off the floor}
CRUROAR: I had a strange dream. {glares at Conchris} And you were there!
CONCHRIS: Isn't every dream including me a nightmare to you?
CRUROAR: Yes. Apparently it is.
CONCHRIS: What did I do this time?
CRUROAR: You jumped out in front of me on a red road and said {imitates an evil voice} "Join me Cruroar and I'll make your face the greatest in Wikity, or else you will die!"
CONCHRIS: Ha ha ha! That's stupid!
CRUROAR: Seeing your face all scrunched up and burnt scared me awake.
CONCHRIS: Should we wake Cieeia up?
{Cruroar glances at Cieeia and puts on a worried expression}
CRUROAR: No. Don't. Who knows what will happen...
SPACE PIRATE #54: {offscreen} Alright cap'n! Human sacrifice comin' up!
ROBOT: Looks like you're next to be sacrificed... remember to tell my fellow robots that I miss them...
CONCHRIS: Oh no...
{The space pirate breaks open the door with Chrionroar's head}
CHRIONROAR: I'm a door breaker!
SPACE PIRATE #54: You sure arrrrrrrre, now get out of this episode. {throws Chrionroar off-screen into a plot hole} Now, which one of ye are gonna get killed? {looks around} Aw hell, why don't I take ye all!
{The space pirate opens the cells and drags Conchris, Cruroar and an asleep Cieeia out onto the deck, they are then tied to the front of the boat}
CONCHRIS: We're not a tasty fish snack!
SPACE CAPTAIN: Ye arrrrrr! We heard that human tastes good to the great fish god! We're trying to catch 'im!
ANNOYING SPACE PIRATE: Yeah! Yeah! Catch 'im! Yeah-OH! {falls overboard} I HAVE NO REGRETS!
{The Jaws theme starts playing}
SPACE CAPTAIN: Arr! Thar she blows!
CONCHRIS: Well, I guess this is it.
CRUROAR: Yep. I would like to say something, Conches.
CONCHRIS: What?
CRUROAR: I think you're a very stupid fruitloop!
{Pause}
CONCHRIS: If I can move my arms, I can kill you.
{A giant whale-like fish appears over the horizon}
SPACE PIRATE #324: I bet 50 space bucks that they live!
SPACE PIRATE #424: You're on!
{The theme starts to get more climatic as Conchris starts struggling}
CRUROAR: What are you doing?
CONCHRIS: Almost got it...
{The laser blade on Conchris' belt switches on and cuts the rope, they drop just before the fish tries to bite them and crashes into the ship}
SPACE CAPTAIN: YARR! It be no fun when they escape!
{Cut to the bottom of the ship, Nydara's cage is hanging onto it by a rope}
NYDARA: Little help here?
CONCHRIS: Don't worry! {throws the laser blade at the cage's rope, causing it to drop, Cruroar snatches the cage up}
NYDARA: Thank you! You humans aren't as bad as I first thought!
CONCHRIS: Here comes the bad part!
{Conchris, Cruroar and Nydara look down to see that they are headed for a black hole}
CRUROAR: OH CRAP!
NYDARA: Emergency maneuver number 235. {pulls out a remote and pushes a button} NOW!
{The ship that was hanging near the pirate's ship breaks the bridge apart, causing the space pirates on it to fall off, the ship quickly flies below the four and catches them}
CONCHRIS: That was convenient!
{A loud screeching noise is heard}
CRUROAR: Not as convenient as THAT!
{Cut to another angle of the ship, revealing a skeleton pterodactyl like creature}
CREATURE: GARRRR!
SPACE CAPTAIN: Ye cannae escape alive!
CONCHRIS: Alright! Finally some fighting!
{Conchris pulls out his laser blade and charges at the creature, the creature tries to scratch Conchris with little success as Conchris slides under it and jumps on top, he then jams the blade into the creature, making it wail in pain}
CONCHRIS: Eat it!
{The creature tries to fly towards the black hole as Conchris tries to wrestle it to the ground, it crashes onto the side of the ship and tries to throw him into the black hole, it succeeds in doing so and Conchris falls off the side of the ship}
CRUROAR: Conchris!
{Conchris suddenly grabs the side of the ship and throws himself back up, his laser blade is in a form of a bat. He brings it down on the creature as it flies up to scratch him, they then both land on opposite sides of the ship. Pause. The creature falls down and a box appears reading "Conchris has won the fight! Conchris has gained 1000 experience points!"}
CONCHRIS: Awesome.
SPACE CAPTAIN: DARRRN! Fire the corpse cannon!
CONCHRIS: OH CRAP!
{Cut to the inside of the ship, Conchris is severely beaten with both arms and a leg missing, both of Cruroar's legs are missing, Nydara is perfectly fine as well as Cieeia. Cieeia finally wakes up and gets up}
CIEEIA: Cruroar? Conchris? What happened?
CRUROAR: Umm... nothing.
CIEEIA: Did I just miss the part where Conchris fought a creature?
CONCHRIS: You didn't miss much. You did miss, however, a wiki-wide record breaking attempt by another writer.
CRUROAR: Who says YOU can break the fourth wall?
CONCHRIS: I did. {pulls out a sandwich and eats it, a box reading "Achievement Unlocked! Sandwich Murderer 50G" pops up} You know what they say, the more the merri-{a shotgun fires, killing him. Cieeia is shown holding a shotgun}
CIEEIA: What? Besides, he has more achievements than us!
{Cue credits}
Episode 34: Candy and Idiots: A stupid combination
{Open to Candyland, Chrionroar is thrown into a castle}
{Cut to the inside of the castle, Chrionroar crashes in and lands on a buffet table, he gobbles up everything and then gobbles up the guy at the end of the table before landing on the floor, the people around the table look at Chrionroar in surprise}
CHRIONROAR: I DOESN'T SCARED!
PERSON #2: What the?
{The castle suddenly explodes, sending Chrionroar flying, several winged people fly behind him}
WINGED MAN #1: GET HIM!
CHRIONROAR: OH TEH NOES!
{Chrionroar flies about until he reaches a sign, he crashes through it as the winged people suddenly throw themselves down onto the ground. Alarms then sound as Chrionroar flies over anti-air turrets, they shoot him down and he lands on a battlefield}
CHRIONROAR: THAT WAS FUN! AGAIN!
{Chrionroar pulls his head out of the ground and looks around, he then pulls out a toy dog}
CHRIONROAR: I think I'm in Kansas, Toto!
{Chrionroar throws the toy dog off-screen and walks off, he then falls down a hole and ends up in a field}
CHRIONROAR: WHERE AM I'S?!
{A warrior, an archer and a mage walk onto the scene, the warrior draws his sword at Chrionroar}
WARRIOR: HALT! Stranger! What is your name, or do I have to kill you for experience!
MAGE: We're supposed to be headed for the Dark Lord's Castle of Doom, not talking to strangers like him... Although he does look like he carries a 1/125 item...
ARCHER: {sighs} You two and your little squabbles... I say we take the stranger with us, he can help us as magic fodder.
CHRIONROAR: I LEIK MAGIC!
ARCHER: Yeah. You sure do.
{The four set off on the journey to the Dark Lord's Castle of Doom}
NARRATOR: And so, having met a new stranger, our heroes are off to the Castle of Doom, owned by the very dangerous and very evil Dark Lord. They travelled for days on end, putting up with the stupidity of their newly met hero. They finally arrive at the Castle and have reached the dark sanctum of the the Dark Lord.
DARK LORD: So, we finally meet!
WARRIOR: You killed my parents! Also, you destroyed my village and my people! And we have all the artifacts of power! I'd like to see you stop us now!
DARK LORD: Eh, I can easily defeat you with a long battle sequence which involves you getting your butt handed to you.
MAGE: I'm actually a princess and I'm in love with the warrior!
ARCHER: I'm the warrior's father!
CHRIONROAR: I'M A FOD!
{Pause}
DARK LORD: Okay... now DIE! {throws several balls of elements at the four, whilst laughing maniacally}
CHRIONROAR: FIREBALLS?! YUM! {Chrionroar gobbles up the fireballs and breathes fire on the Dark Lord, he then starts to melt}
DARK LORD: YOU KILLED ME! {melts into a puddle}
CHRIONROAR: I CAN GOES NOW! {jumps into a hole}
{Cut to Hammerspace, Chrionroar flies in}
CREATURE #1: INTRUDER! GET HIM!
{Chrionroar gets up and picks up Conchris' laser blade and places it between his teeth, he then starts prancing about, slicing at the creatures}
CHRIONROAR: FUN TIEMS!
{The laser blade suddenly shuts off, Chrionroar gobbles it and spits it out to the side of the screen, he then jumps into another hole}
CREATURE #321432: Well, that's just great!
{Cut to the Ruins of Conchris' House, Chrionroar suddenly bursts in through the hole}
CHRIONROAR: WHEAR ART I?!
{Chrionroar jumps out of the hole and looks about}
{Cut to Mr. Person's house, Mr. Person is talking to Aria}
ARIA: Mr. Person. You're the kindest person I've ever met in my life.
MR. PERSON: Well, people are ignoring us lately.
{Old Man walks onto the scene}
OLD MAN: Well, that's the last house redone. Back in my day, we used to redo houses with...
MR. PERSON: We know, we know.
OLD MAN: STICKS!
{Chrionroar slowly slides onto the scene}
ARIA: Oh great, I thought they got rid of you.
CHRIONROAR: WE SHALT START NEU SERIES!
OLD MAN: Great idea! We shall call it "The Sticks"!
MR. PERSON: No, that's stupid. How about "Forgotten Characters"?
ARIA: What about... Oh, you said that already...
OLD MAN: How about we end this episode with a little somethin'.
MR. PERSON: {annoyed} What is it?
OLD MAN: STICKS!
{Cue credits}
{Cut to the Writer's desk}
WRITER: Well that episode was short. I sure hope nothing bad comes of this.
{A policeman crashes in}
POLICEMAN: STOP! IT'S THE FUN POLICE!
WRITER: OH CRAP!
{Cut to a black screen with the word "END"}
