Conshow/70

Summary

Conchris and Clark find themselves in Hell... and Jake, Katie, Aria, and Mr. Person are about to face death by paparazzi, news at 11.

Transcript

{A brief moment of static plays before the screen shows a news room with a man holding a stack of papers, staring intently at the screen}

NEWSMAN MCNEWSMAN: Welcome to Reedsen News, I am Newsman McNewsman... {pauses to take a look around} ...and I am here to report some breaking news.

{The screen behind him shows a picture of Jake, Katie, Aria, and Mr. Person, huddling, looking at the camera in fear, except for Mr. Person, who seems unimpressed with his situation.}

NEWSMAN MCNEWSMAN: There has been an assault that is currently ongoing in Reedsen Mall this morning when a man, allegedly a fan of Ms. Aria who starred in such classics such as "Wikihood: The Musical" and "I Don't Know Why But I Must Dance", who asked for her autograph began going postal with a flash camera after his phone broke. Eyewitness reports say that it was because of a certain skin condition that is only contracted by celebrities worldwide.

{The screen transitions to a picture of a celebrity that looks like a young boy with a stupid look on his face}

NEWSMAN MCNEWSMAN: This could be the very same disease that wiped out such famous musical celebrities like Gustav Yaeger and Hicky Spinagé, their deaths shall haunt us all, for the rest of our lives... forever. And now, onto sports.

{Introduction plays before the scene cuts to a shot of Conchris and Clark being suspended over fire, HELLfire, while suspenseful music plays in the background}

CONCHRIS: Got any bright ideas, Clark?

CLARK: That's what I was going to ask you! AND NO! I DON'T!

CONCHRIS: Well, guess we're boned then.

{Beat}

CLARK: Eh.

CONCHRIS: Eh.

{Camera pans over, revealing Sarry watching them, leaning on a large boulder being pushed by a relatively old, yet super strong man}

SARRY: Eh.

{Conchris flinches, staring over at Sarry with Clark following his gaze as they look on in shock}

CLARK: How long have you been standing there?

SARRY: About... three hours. It's my job to see to the sacrifices to the Metal Maiden.

CONCHRIS: Who IS the Metal Maiden?

CLARK: Yeah, who is she?! And can you let us down?

SARRY: Yes.

{Beat}

CLARK: Yes? To what? To our first question or...?

SARRY: Yes.

{A brief period of silence as Conchris and Clark slowly edge closer to their inevitable deaths}

CONCHRIS: You're dumb.

SARRY: That's not very nice.

{Cut to Reedsen Mall, Jake, Katie, Aria, and Mr. Person are huddled up in a corner as the man looks on, holding a camera}

MAN: I'll ask you again, say cheese.

ARIA: Nooooooooo!

JAKE: We won't let you get away with this!

KATIE: {points accusingly} Yeah!

MAN: Oh? But I have... {places a finger on the shutter button} ...now, say ch-

{An explosion can be heard nearby, knocking the man off-balance. The camera bounces off the floor, the shutter going off as the flash shows it taking a picture of the wall. The actual camera pans over to where the explosion is, a group of villains are robbing a jewellery store, a demonic looking one that looks strangely like the Instructor from previous seasons is seen carrying a large diamond}

INSTRUCTOR: I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE STEALING THIS!

BLONDE MAN: We're really stealin' it!

MASKED MAN: Yes, that's nice. {spots Aria and company} Well, look who's here... If it isn't Jake and Katie, long time, no see.

ARIA: Wait, you know them?

MASKED MAN: I'm talking to them, not you. I... don't even know who you are.

JAKE: Oh, that's Aria, our new friend... and the one we're playing bodyguard to. And... do we know you?

MASKED MAN: Is that so? Well, I'm afraid your bodyguarding career has come to an end. {points towards the Instructor and the blonde-haired man} You two, dispose of them.

BLONDE MAN: I'm really feelin' it!

INSTRUCTOR: {drops the diamond} Yes si-OW! {grabs at his foot, hopping madly} My foot!

{Cut back to the group, who has stopped huddling in the corner as Mr. Person, being the only unfazed one, brushes himself off}

MR. PERSON: Well, fight's breaking out. {he turns to walk off} If anyone needs me, I'll be in the car...

{Fight music starts playing as the blonde man and the Instructor begins beating up random civilians. Jake and Katie share a glance as they rifle through their pockets for their familiar weapons, finding none, they put up their fists and begin charging into the fray}

ARIA: Wait you guys! Wai-{puts a hand on her face in exasperation}-pfft, I was about to give them their weapons.

{Katie takes a swing at the blonde haired man, who dodges swiftly and takes a swing at her with a strange-looking sword}

BLONDE MAN: BACKSLASH!

{As a result, Katie gets knocked back, tumbling into a pile of boxes, carted by someone in a red santa suit, who glares at her}

KATIE: Oof... {gets up, glancing up to the man dressed as santa} ...sorry, urgh... {hops up onto her feet, running back into the fray again} AIEIEIEIEIEIEEIEIE-

{Jake takes a few swings at Instructor, who dodges them deftly before the demon nails a punch in the stomach}

JAKE: OOFYAH! {weakly} Where'd you learn that?

INSTRUCTOR: I TAUGHT MYSELF THAT! I'M AN INSTRUCTOR!

JAKE: You sure are... ow... {tumbles off-screen} Think I'm going to bleed here for a bit...

{Instructor poses victoriously, head held up high, only to be surprised by a surprise ray of sunlight, frying him to a crisp. The camera pans over to Aria, sans coat, brandishing a pipe in one hand and a solar gun in the other}

ARIA: Those are MY bodyguards you're messing up, buddies! Take this!

{Aria prepares to take a swing at the blonde haired man, only to tumble over, dropping both weapons}

ARIA: Ow...

{Aria struggles for a bit to get up, reaching out for the weapons as the masked man approaches the downed trio. Katie grits her teeth, reaching out for the solar gun, nabbing it}

KATIE: Jakie! Catch! {tosses the solar gun}

{The solar gun flies through the air, over the masked man, as he watches it land next to its original owner, who reaches out to grab it and brandishes it}

JAKE: Thanks, Katie-Kat. {fires a few shots, incinerating the blonde-haired man and lightly toasting the Instructor}

INSTRUCTOR: THAT HURT!

MASKED MAN: Well shoot, I was expecting less of a fight from you two. Time for plan B...

{Beat}

MASKED MAN: {flings his arms up into the air, eyes wide} RETREAT! RETREAT!

{The masked man retreats, the Instructor carrying the gem in tow}

MASKED MAN: THE METALLIC MAIDEN SHALL NOT BE STOPPED!

{As the two villains run off, Jake, Katie, and Aria carefully pick themselves up as Mr. Person walks in with a bucket full of chicken wings}

MR. PERSON: Oh hey... what'd I miss?

KATIE: {exasperated} Oh, you know, some villain who claims to know us and {whacks Mr. Person in the face with a pipe} YOU SHOULD'VE HELPED US!

{Cut back to Hell, Sarry is busy playing on a dual-screened handheld gaming console while Conchris and Clark is only inches away from being incinerated by the fire}

CLARK: So you're not going to help us?!

SARRY: Sorry, but you should've really bought more of my product all those seasons ago.

CONCHRIS: Oh come on! I bought, like, twenty cases of that, what was it, Cillit Twang stuff!

SARRY: Twenty, you say?

CONCHRIS: Yes!

SARRY: Hmm... {sets the game console aside to contemplate} Nope.

CONCHRIS: You're a jerk, you know that?

SARRY: All part of the job.

{A loud clunking sound is heard as the rope suddenly stops}

CLARK: Great. Now wha-

{The rope suddenly snaps, sending the two falling}

CLARK: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
CONCHRIS: Ah...

{The camera shows that the fire is actually surrounding a clearing, the fire being in the background. Conchris and Clark tumble down onto the clearing}

CLARK: Oof!

{Clark picks himself up off the ground, looking around, Conchris is screaming loudly}

CLARK: Wait, why didn't we die?

{Clark looks around once more, before nudging Conchris with his toe}

CLARK: Hey, get up, nerd.

CONCHRIS: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH--

CLARK: {yelling, startling Conchris} I SAID GET UP!

{Beat}

CONCHRIS: Fine, geez... {stands, camera switches to behind him, panning the surrounding area} Well, I don't see any Metal Maiden.

CLARK: Aw man! I was looking forward to a personal concert! Followed by death! {hunches over} ...and suffering.

{A loud clanging noise is heard from behind them, making them turn to look at the camera to reveal a green-haired masked fembot}

FEMBOT: {sigh} It is I, the Metal Maiden, come to take your souls an--wait a minute...

{The fembot scans over the two for a moment, looking mildly surprised}

FEMBOT: It's you! It's really you!

CONCHRIS: It is?

CLARK: It... is...?

FEMBOT: You've come to save me from this hellish place! {latches onto Conchris, who seems shocked at the sudden touching} I can't murder anyone here! They're already dead! I've been here for about five to six years now... I miss the simpler times when all I would do is offer witty one-liners and shoot people in the face.

CONCHRIS: Wait, wait, wait... you don't happen to be...? Are you really...?

{The fembot takes a step back, unlatching her mask to reveal that she truly is, indeed}

CONCHRIS and CLARK: Forest?!

FOREST: Oh come on, don't look so surprised, you idiots.

CLARK: But you died... for real... back in episode sixty!

FOREST: {winces} Yeah, I suppose I did...

CONCHRIS: So... if you're a robot... and you're in hell... what kind of hell are we in?

SARRY: It's a mixed hell, we used to have a robot hell but that had to be merged with the humans due to budget cuts. Things had been going downhill since, one, our lord and saviour, Satan, had been killed and, two, our replacement had since disappeared to parts unknown and who knows she will be back.

CONCHRIS: {looks shocked at Sarry's sudden appearance} How'd you get down here?!

SARRY: {thumbs to point at something off-screen} There's an elevator.

{Cut to outside the elevator for a few moments before cutting inside with the group gathered in}

CLARK: So what have you been doing these past few years?

FOREST: Pain. Suffering. I was told to atone for all of my past deeds... forever.

CONCHRIS: Well, you were a murderbot.

{Forest whacks Conchris over the head}

FOREST: I WAS NOT a murderbot! Kind of. I guess. Whatevs.

CLARK: Eh.

SARRY: Eh.

{Conchris stands up, rubbing the back of his head}

CONCHRIS: Eh... anyway, I didn't think you'd still be alive.

FOREST: Me neither. When I died, I thought that my eternal torment had ended, but it only just begun. Tell me, Conches, is the Conshow coming back?

CLARK: Well... {gets whacked in the face by Conchris to shush him}

CONCHRIS: Shut up. Yep, we have been for a while now, hell we're on the last episode of Season six now!

FOREST: Last episode? Season six?

CONCHRIS: Yup!

{A brief pause before Forest pulls her arm cannon out on Conchris, Clark, and Sarry}

FOREST: YOU SHOULD'VE COME GET ME SOONER!

{Cue credits, music aid here}

Conshow Season 6
Written and Directed by Conchris

Conchris, Jake, Katie, Aria, Clark, Forest as themselves
Barry Scott as Sarry Bcott
Strong Mad as Instructor
Chocolate Screaming Man as Man w/ Camera
Some Anime-looking kid as Blonde Man w/ weird but cool sword
Someone as Masked Man

Stay tuned for Season 7! Next Episode:
"The Quick Brown Fox Jumped Over The Lazy Frog"

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