Conshow/69

Summary

Conchris and Clark find themselves in serious danger while Jake and Katie are hired as temp bodyguards for Aria

Intro Gag: A split-second clip of what appears to be Forest tied to a cross in what looks like Hell

Episode 69: The Ameotian Terror

Transcript

{Open to the floor of a jungle, Conchris and Clark are still trapped underfoot by a giant dinosaur, roaring sounds intensify}

CONCHRIS: Well, this sucks.

CLARK: You think? I have a job to get to at 9! You know what happens when the gift shop is left unattended?

{Cut to Clark's Gift Shop, the lights are out and the wind is blowing violently, a tumbleweed tumbles by before cutting back to the duo}

CONCHRIS: Not particularly...

{Another loud roar is heard, startling the two as the dinosaur's foot is lifted}

CLARK: OH CRAP!

{Cue intro}

{Open to Jake and Katie's house, the living room, Jake and Katie are lounging around watching TV as Aria stumbles in, dressed in fancy clothing}

ARIA: Hey guys... do you ever do anything around here anymore?

KATIE: Eh.

JAKE: Eh.

ARIA: {pauses for a beat} What do you mean "Eh."?

JAKE: I just got fired from my job the other day...

KATIE: Yeah, so he's taking his frustrations out by watching mindless television. {holds up a remote control} Can you still believe that they got all the old shows airing here? Re-runs, but still.

{Aria peers over to the television, staring at it, unamused}

ARIA: Uh-huh. Anyway, me and Mr. Person are just about to head out on the town and we wanted to ask if you two would like to come.

JAKE: Eh.

KATIE: Eh.

ARIA: Oh come on! It'll be fun! You can be, uhm... my temporary bodyguards!

JAKE: Eh.

KATIE: Eh.

ARIA: I'll pay you. {reaches into her pocket, pulling out a purse} Actually, Mr. Person will pay you~

JAKE: Eh.

KATIE: Eh--how much?

ARIA: Oh, a couple thousand bucks.

{Jake suddenly sits up, staring up at Aria in awe}

JAKE: For what?

ARIA: Well, there are some pretty rabid fans in this city and I need to have people escort me around. There's some people who hate me with a passion for what I did in the previous seasons of this show and would do anything to bring harm to me. And so I thought, "Hey, why don't I-"

{Katie sits up, now, holding a hand to Aria's mouth to stifle her.}

KATIE: We'll take it.

{Cut to the jungle, Conchris and Clark are running away as fast as their broken, battered, and bruised bodies can take them}

CONCHRIS: Why didn't you tell me about the DINOSAURS?!

CLARK: Well I didn't think there would be anything remotely dinosaurific here when I was putting the sanity shifter here! {puts a hand to his chin, thoughtfully} Perhaps I may have left the improbable function activated when I did...

CONCHRIS: Right... and can you explain that?

{Conchris points off screen, Clark's eyes following}

CLARK: What?

{Cut to a clearing, a circle of hooded monks surround a giant machine covered in moss and vines from years of staying in the jungle}

MONKS: {chanting} Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. {beat, as they hit themselves with the sharp edges of some DVD cases} Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.

{The chanting repeats throughout the whole scene unless disturbed. Conchris and Clark look on with a mixture of expressions, horror, shock, confusion, anger, bitter resentment}

CONCHRIS: Seriously, that joke is old.

CLARK: I dunno... there's usually a lot of cults for inanimate objects. {holds out a hand as though regaling a story} Why I remember this one time when someone asked me to praise He-

{Conchris puts a hand to Clark's mouth, knocking him over}

CONCHRIS: Yeah, okay, that's great, shut up.

{Cut to the mall, Aria is surrounded by Mr. Person, Jake, and Katie, all wearing sunglasses save for her, in fancy suits, as they walk along}

KATIE: So, where are we going first?

ARIA: Well, usually we get some food down at Mr. Convenient's Food Place, a five-star restaurant with only one one-star review by some guy who thought he found a rat in his burger.

JAKE: Gross... also, since when did Mr. Convenient open up food stores?

ARIA: Eh, he opens stores where they're convenient.

{Pan to the entrance to the mall's restrooms, right beside them is a store labelled "Mr. Convenient's Restroom Supplies", a poster in the window is offering a sale on 1-ply toilet paper}

JAKE: So I see...

{Cut back to the group, a man is in their path}

MAN: Oh my god! Aria! It's you! I gotta take a picture of this... {pulls out a cell phone, aiming it at the group}

{Jake whacks the phone out of the man's hand, prompting a look of anger in his face.}

MAN: Hey! That's expensive! I'll have you know, I spent over five hundred bucks on this thing!

JAKE: Sorry, but Miss Aria doesn't allow photography. It's, uh... it's... uh... {looks over to the other three} Little help?

ARIA: Skin condition.

JAKE: A skin condition, yeah!

KATIE: A horrible skin condition! {she shifts to pose menacingly} She'll melt if you take even one picture of her! Woooo!

MAN: Oh... well... in that case... {pulls out a camera} SAY CHEESE, BITCH!

{The group gasps, drawing back in surprise, as the camera cuts back to the duo, still contemplating how to get to the Sanity Shifter.}

CLARK: ...so if we make a distraction, we can grab the sanity shifter, and get the hell out of here!

CONCHRIS: I don't know if I didn't hear a word that you said or that you only just said "so if we make a distraction, we can grab the sanity shifter, and get the hell out of here" as the camera cut back to us but I think that plan is stupid.

{Conchris reaches into his pocket, pulling out an old laser blade, brandishing it as he exits the undergrowth}

CONCHRIS: HAVE AT THEE YOU DAMN CULTI-

{Cut to the duo tied up together, back-to-back, being held over a pit that leads to Hell}

CONCHRIS: Well, that didn't work.

CLARK: You think?!

{A monk comes forward}

MONK: Oh Great Metal Maiden! Please accept our sacrifices as our gifts to you! So that you may be free from your eternal prison!

CONCHRIS: Wait, metal maiden? What?

MONK: Metal Maiden, sir.

CLARK: Augh, this is the second time I got tied up in this season! Can't you just let me go?

MONK: No, for the maiden demands sacrifice!

{The monk pulls on the lever, slowly lowering the duo into the pit}

CONCHRIS: We're boned.

{Cut to the group, huddled in the corner as the man from earlier brandishes the camera menacingly}

MAN: Now that I have you right where I want you... {holds up camera to his face} ...say cheese...

JAKE, KATIE, ARIA: AHHHH!

MR. PERSON: Eh.

{Cut to a black screen with white words saying, "NEXT TIME ON CONSHOW"}

{Cut back to the group, Mr. Person is still unamused at the situation as the other three look on in horror}

MR. PERSON: It's a living.

{Cue credits}

Conshow
Episode 69: The Ameotian Terror

Show written by Conchris, 2008-2014
Any references made in this show are quite possibly intentional, if not, then they certainly are now! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Next episode:
"Can See The Forest For The Trees"