Conshow/64

Summary

Something pretty cool happens. No really.

INTRO GAG: (NONE)

Transcript

{Intro sequence}

{Cut to Jake's House - Kitchen, Conchris, Jake, Katie, Aria and Mr. Person are sitting at the table, Conchris is leaning back a little on his seat}

CONCHRIS: Hey, remember that time we-

JAKE and KATIE and ARIA and MR. PERSON: NO.

{Conchris is knocked out of his seat}

{Credits}

{END... is it?}

{Cut back to Jake's House - Kitchen, Conchris is still on the floor, in shock. He stands, looking at the screen as everything in the scene, but him, dims}

CONCHRIS: Hi, I'm Conchris, and as you all know, the Conshow was recently revived a few days back and is getting back into the swing of things, which is the equivalent of teaching a Tyrannosaurus Rex on how to ride a bicycle. It's painful to watch, and even more painful to get involved in. However, that's beside the point, for today, we're going on an adventure! {pulls out a time machine} Through time.

JAKE: {coughs} That's a toaster.

CONCHRIS: Shut up.

{Cut to a green screen, Conchris leans in from the left side}

CONCHRIS: ...so anyway, like I said, we're going back... to the future... past.

{Cut to a splash mimicking the Back to the Future poster, with Conchris taking the place of Marty and the title is reading "Back to the Future Past". A badly done version of the Back to the Future theme plays for a while before the scene cuts back}

{Jake leans in from the right side}

JAKE: That doesn't make any sense.

CONCHRIS: It will now... Watch as I-

{The scene suddenly disappears in a manner similar to a TV being switched off}

...

Episode 1

{Season 1 opening}

{Cut to Conchris's House - Living Room, Cruroar and Conchris are sitting on the couch}

CONCHRIS: Everyone knows that automechanics tamper with the batteries, so you have to go back to them in a week. But you can't do jack! 'cause they're, you know, tied... to the mafia...

CRUROAR: Uh... when are we going to stop stealing scripts?

{Conchris holds up a script, the word "Stolen" is scored out}

CONCHRIS: This script isn't stolen! It's borrowed! Get your words right!

CRUROAR: Uh... that script is stolen, I can plainly see the scored out "Stolen".

CONCHRIS: Fine... I'll just burn it, {closeup} LIKE THE REST OF THEM! {the script he is holding burns up and turns into ash, it then falls to the floor}

{The camera zooms out again}

CRUROAR: I wanna go out and explore the city. We've never done that in the email show, did we?

CONCHRIS: {puts on a confused look} What email show?

{The scene suddenly pauses, dimming a little}

CONCHRIS: {v.o} Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Nobody references the email show anymore.

JAKE: {v.o} Wow... past me's a jerk.

CONCHRIS: {v.o} Yeah, we got that straightened out episodes later. I think.

JAKE: {v.o} Uh huh.

{TV Static}

Episode 10

{Intro sequence, after it finishes cut to Sirhcnoc's Awesome Floating Lair of Love}

JAKE: Are we going to have an intro EVERY TIME WE JUMP FORWARD?!

CONCHRIS: More or less.

JAKE: I hate you...

SIRHCNOC: Finally... now that I have a floating lair, nothing can stop me! NOTHING!

CONCHRIS: And at the end of the episode, it was proven that floating lairs never work.

JAKE: Didn't stop him from doing it again. The guy's insane.

CONCHRIS: Hm, yeah, he does fit the definition of insanity.

JAKE: How do you know?

CONCHRIS: Some guy who calls himself a pirate lord told me about it, then he tossed me into the water with a cinderblock tied around my leg.

GREG: Dude, there was no need to repeat something you already said off-screen.

SIRHCNOC: That didn't make sense in the slightest!

GREG: UGH! Fine, what's the plan.

INSTRUCTOR: DOES IT INVOLVE KILLING PEOPLE IN THEIR SLEEP?!

SIRHCNOC: No.

CLARK: And this is why I've never gotten good grades in Villain school.

CONCHRIS: WH-WHOA, HOW'D YOU GET IN HERE?!

CLARK: I walked in.

INSTRUCTOR: THE PLAN SUCKS ALREADY!

SIRHCNOC: Your...

GREG: Don't go there!

SIRHCNOC: Alright. Alright... The plan involves controlling the animals in the local forest and raising the dead, then I will let them loose on the city. Also, I will let everyone know that they can eat at Joe's.

{Zoom out of the lair to reveal that the Awesome Lair is actually a blimp with the words "Eat At Joe's" on the side}

SIRHCNOC: I needed the advertising money.

JAKE: Advertising?
CLARK: Hey, villainry is hard work, dude! Plus it doesn't exactly pay the bills...

{Zoom back into the lair}

GREG: But we also need to get rid of that Conchris guy and his friends once and for all...

SIRHCNOC: Didn't I tell you a few episodes back? We kidnap Cieeia!

INSTRUCTOR: WHAT ABOUT THE LAVA PIT?!

SIRHCNOC: Oh it's there. This blimp has everything!

{Pan right to reveal a cage above a lava pit, below the cage is a P-Balloon}

GREG: I see what you mean...

SIRHCNOC: Let's move our gear forward! {grabs megaphone} RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE!

{Cut to the graveyard, several zombies and skeletons burst out of the graves, the people inside the graveyard start panicking. A zombie slowly walks up to a man and pickpockets him before running off, giggling}

MAN: MY WALLET!

CONCHRIS: Why didn't I think of that?

{TV Static}

Episode 18

{Open to a dark corner in Wikity, a strange shadow pops out of nowhere}

?????????: Soon, my plan against my fellow villain will be complete. There can be only ONE villain in this show. Ha ha ha ha... HA HA HA HA! WA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! {coughs}

CLARK: And guess who's still here?!

{Season 2 introduction}

{The footage of the episode suddenly speeds up until it reaches the below part}

{Cut to Conchris' House - Main Hall, several fighting noises is head, Clark bursts in and shuts the door}

CLARK: You gotta help me, Conchris!

CONCHRIS: What? You're just a villain!

CLARK: But, that guy, he somehow knew that I'm Sirhcnoc in disguise!

CONCHRIS: That hat doesn't do you favours.

CLARK: But nobody knows about it except you!

CONCHRIS: Uh-huh...

{Captain Awesometon breaks into the house through the ceiling}

AWESOMETON: Have no fear! Captain Awesometon is here!

JAKE: {badly imitates Awesometon} HAVE NO FEAR, GENERIC GARY STU IS HERE!

CONCHRIS: I feared that you would break the ceiling.

AWESOMETON: Ha ha ha! Us superheroes have no reason to meddle with such minor details. Now, evildoer! Back to jail with you!

CLARK: HEAAAAALPPPPP!

CONCHRIS: Dude, there's not going to be men in black suits that appear out of nowhere and start dancing for you.

CLARK: It is possible.

AWESOMETON: Enough! Now I shall beat you up!

{Awesometon beats up Clark and puts him in jail}

CLARK: I've always wonder HOW he put me in jail.
CONCHRIS: Yeah, it never was elaborated upon...

CONCHRIS: WHY IS HIS ACTIONS SO SHORT?!

AWESOMETON: Oh, you want to beat ME up too?

CONCHRIS: Yes!

{Conchris pulls out his laser blade and starts charging at Captain Awesometon, he slashes at Captain Awesometon several times before being knocked down to the ground}

CONCHRIS: Ow.

{TV Static}

Episode 22

{Cut to the middle of the ruins}

CONCHRIS: Let's see what happens when I do this...

{Conchris touches each seal and the walls collapse as they end up in Black Space}

CRUROAR: What the hell?

JAKE: Later I found out it was just smoke and mirrors. Pretty tricky special effects if you ask me.

{A strange white figure appears}

CONCHRIS: Excuse me, are you the final boss?

FIGURE: I am, now, solve all the puzzles to defeat me!

CONCHRIS: Screw it, I'm going to read a walkthrough.

{The figure transforms into a fountain, Conchris throws a coin into it. The figure then transforms into a giant beast, Conchris uses the axe to hit it in the eye. The figure transforms into a pair of eyes, Conchris strikes the right, left, right right, left, right, left, left and then right eye. The figure starts jumping about}

CONCHRIS: I hear they changed all that when they renovated the place. We should check it out sometime.
JAKE: Let's not. Seeing Chrionroar in that thing was horrifying.

FIGURE: DAMN! How could you do those so quickly!

CONCHRIS: I use walkthroughs! Only 2.99 at CheatersMart! Available everywhere except where you look!

CLARK: Where was CheatersMart anyway?
CONCHRIS: I dunno, in the Wikity mall.

{Conchris strikes the figure down}

FIGURE: YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS! {disappears}

{The ruins start to rumble and a gem flies into Conchris' hand}

CONCHRIS: Sweet!

CRUROAR: Wow, treasure for no effort. It seems like...

CIEEIA: LOAD-BEARING!

{The ruins start to rumble again, the ceiling starts to cave in}

CONCHRIS: DASH FOR IT!

{Conchris, Cruroar and Cieeia run for their lives, Cieeia trips on a rock and reaches out to Cruroar for help. Cruroar turns around to see a piece of ceiling about to crush her. He jumps towards her and pulls her out of the wreckage before it collides. The trio then quickly run out of the ruins, stopping to catch their breath}

CONCHRIS: Phew! I thought we were goners!

CIEEIA: Yeah!

CONCHRIS: Thank god we have this! {holds the gem up to the sky, an archaeologist comes out of nowhere and whips Conchris, he then takes the gem}

ARCHAEOLOGIST: See you later, suckers!

CONCHRIS: CURSE YOU SHORN! A HEX UPON YOUR FAMILY AND RELATIVES!

{TV Static}

Episode 40

{Season Four intro}

JAKE: WILL YOU STOP THAT?! Also, didn't we skip a season?
CONCHRIS: Yes.

{Cut to the control room, Conchris has his laser blade out as Forest enters the room}

CONCHRIS: I've been waiting for you.

FOREST: Shut up! I am here to kill you for revenge!

CONCHRIS: Oh boy, I love this part!

{Forest tries to punch Conchris but he quickly dodges out of the way, Conchris jumps off a wall and tries to slice at Forest, only to receive a kick to the crotch. Conchris tumbles to the ground and gets up, after Forest tries to air shot him with her arm cannon. Forest jumps up and tries to punch Conchris, only for it to be parried by him}

FOREST: Your fighting skills improved.

CONCHRIS: I would say something here but you'll kill me whilst I explain.

{Forest ducks as Conchris throws the laser blade at her, getting it stuck in the door. The door sparks and starts to malfunction. Conchris jumps onto Forest's back and starts pounding her but she grabs him and tosses him to the floor. Conchris quickly staggers back as he realises that all hiding spots are gone until he hits a corner. Forest aims her arm cannon at him}

CONCHRIS: Kill me, and you will receive the power you've dreamed of, or spare me, or you won't get the best ending. I was about to implement a jetpack that can fly in any direction, you know!

{Forest pushes the arm cannon closer towards Conchris, Conchris prepares for impact but then soon realises that Forest isn't firing. He opens his eyes to see Forest's arms shaking}

FOREST: What am I doing? I. I can't... bring myself to kill him...

CONCHRIS: Wha?

FOREST: I had no trouble in the past but... what is wrong with me? Why am I attempting to kill... my only family out of spite? Why?

JAKE: Jeez... what did you do to her?
CONCHRIS: Laws of robotics, dude. I snuck that into her programming when we went into space, don't think it worked too well when she was shot.

JOHN: What the hell? I thought you was gonna die!

CONCHRIS: I thought so too.

FOREST: {sighs} I just don't know what to do anymore! I just can't bring myself to kill you...

CONCHRIS: Aww... It's alright, Forest. Really.

FOREST: I... {a gun shot is heard and Forest falls over to reveal John holding a gun}

JOHN: Her emoness is distracting me.

JAKE: Same here but was it really necessary to shoot her?

CONCHRIS: You'd better be glad that she is a robot or else.

JOHN: HA HA HA! No. Now get out of here.

{TV Static}

Episode 48

{Open to the base on the nameless planet - Lobby, Conchris is holding a remote in his hand. Cruroar walks in}

CRUROAR: What is that?

CONCHRIS: This is the remote... of destiny.

CRUROAR: It's not as fancy as it looks.

CONCHRIS: That's because it is a remote you idiot!

CRUROAR: {sighs} What do you plan to do with it?

{Conchris raises his finger and is about to press the first button}

CRUROAR: That doesn't involve my mom.

JAKE: Did it?

CONCHRIS: Well, I... urh... I... yes. Yes it did involve your mom.

JAKE: So you WERE planning on bringing my mom onto the show to be romanced!

CONCHRIS: Why would I do such a thing?

JAKE: Okay, whatever, Joel.

CONCHRIS: Fine, Phil.

KATIE: {distant} Can I be Elly?

CONCHRIS and JAKE: NO!

{Conchris glares at Cruroar as he presses the second button}

CONCHRIS: Since when did you predict people?

CRUROAR: Ever since I study the history of shows.

CONCHRIS: Fine, let's get this stupid intro rol-

{Cue intro}

{Open to Conchris' House - Basement, a robot suddenly activates and bursts out through the ceiling. He lands on the pavement}

ROBOT: {kid's voice, monotonous} Project Little Man activated. Acquiring name. {eyes turn into a loading symbol from the Wii Shop Channel} Name not found, generating... {pauses} Name generated. Name is now Hobs. Activating human controls... {voice stops being monotonous} Good morning world!

THE SUN: Why, good morning Timmy!

HOBS: My name is NOT Timmy!

THE SUN: Sorry, NOT Timmy!

HOBS: What should I do today?

CONCHRIS: Okay, this is taking too long, let's skip over to something more interesting...

{TV Static}

Episode 55

{Season Five opening}

{Open to a nondescript office, the future Cruroar is sitting at a desk wearing a shady hat and a trenchcoat. The camera turns around to reveal that he is writing down on pieces of paper}

FUTURE CRUROAR: {thoughts} It has been years since me and my friend had left Wikity for Reedsen... She's taken up psychology and me? Well, I took up investigating.

CONCHRIS: Did you really try to take this one seriously?

JAKE: Sort of, but there were no courses, so I became a janitor... {sighs} I hate my life.

CONCHRIS: Ha ha, Jake cleans up crap!

{Cruroar pauses for a second to think before writing again}

FUTURE CRUROAR: {thoughts} Some of the beginning cases I've solved were easy, it usually ended with the butler getting the blame and whatnot... but this one... {picks up a file with the word "CONFIDENTIAL" on it} {speaking} This one is probably going to haunt my life...

{A creaking noise is heard}

FUTURE CRUROAR: {swivels around on his chair to look for the source of the noise} WHO'S THERE?!

{Silence, the future Cruroar gets up and walks about}

FUTURE CRUROAR: I know I heard creaking, now come on out!

{The cabinet door opens a bit, the future Cruroar looks into the cabinet, revealing the Creepy Guy, he stumbles back for a bit as the creepy guy stares at him with blank eyes. The screen slowly turns to static just as the creepy guy walks over to the future Cruroar.}

CONCHRIS: I still don't see the guy. It's still an ironing board.

JAKE: I-I saw him dude! I wasn't hallucinating or anything!

CONCHRIS: Sure...

{Open to an empty meeting room, a figure is watching a TV show}

MAN ON TV: Oh hey there! I didn't see you come in!

WOMAN ON TV: I just found out that you were cheatin' on me!

MAN ON TV: So what? Oh yeah, poor plot line, right.

WOMAN ON TV: I'm going to leave the show! And taking the kids with me!

{The woman walks away from the man with two children in tow, the man shrugs and drinks his beer that he had in his hand}

MAN ON TV: Typical soap plot.

FIGURE: Couldn't agree more.

{The door opens to reveal Sirhcnoc, he nervously walks in}

SIRHCNOC: Erm... boss? I've been... ordered to see you now...

FIGURE: Ah, yes.

{The figure turns around to reveal that he is Greg the Yffulf}

SIRHCNOC: Greg?! You're our boss?

CLARK: ...I... I can't watch this...

GREG: Sirhcnoc?! You work here?!

SIRHCNOC: Well... duh?

GREG: I was throwing darts at people to see who I should call up but I didn't expect YOU to come up.

SIRHCNOC: Erm, yes, about that... there happened to be a... little accident with one of the workers... the pigeons escaped and they... and they are pecking him to death at this moment, so he gave me these ideas for a new toy.

GREG: Let me see them.

{Sirhcnoc hands the documents over to Greg, whom reads them over and puts them down, grinning}

GREG: This idea is amazing! No wonder I didn't think of that!

SIRHCNOC: Huh?

GREG: Clark! I mean, Sirhcnoc! This man's ideas for a new action figure is awesome! Even though that franchise had died years ago, 2010 to be precise!

SIRHCNOC: It does have laser vision...

GREG: Exactly! No wait! I see... a more bigger picture... it will have... lasers coming out of its armpits!

CLARK: {sobbing} Why did you sacrifice yourself, Greg?! We were going to rule an evil toy company together! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE?!

SIRHCNOC: WHOOOAAAA!

GREG: YEAH! We'll be rich as kings!

SIRHCNOC and GREG: {forced} Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

CLARK: {pained laughter} Ha... ha... ha...
CONCHRIS: {to Jake} I almost feel bad for this guy...

{TV Static}

Episode 60

{Open up to a museum exhibit with several pictures and objects from episodes of Conshow, a man in a hooded cloak slowly walks through it as the music from Punchout's (Wii) Last Stand Ending plays in the background. The man walks up to the toaster which then pops up two slices of burnt bread. The man smiles and looks up, revealing himself to be Conchris}

CONCHRIS: Good job, guys... good job...

{Conchris slowly walks away as the camera pans up to reveal a picture of Conchris, Cruroar, Cieeia, Chrionroar and Forest standing outside Conchris' House with the words "CONSHOW" written at the top of the image}

CONCHRIS: And it was over... until now at least.

{The screen then fades to black... again}

Present

{Open to Jake's House - Kitchen, there is only Conchris, Jake, Clark and Katie sitting at the table, staring at the camera}

CONCHRIS: And that concludes our trip through time, please collect your belongings and make sure to visit the gift shop where you will most likely spend it on useless stationery and stuffed animals!

JAKE: Do you accept cheq-

CONCHRIS: -no.

{Credits sequence}

{END}