Conshow/65

Summary

Invention malfunctions, leaking internet all over Reedsen. Hilarity... ensues?

CAST (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER): Conchris, Jake, Katie, Aria, Mr. Person, Clark the Evil Guy

INTRO GAG: The background begins glitching, revealing a black screen with falling 0s and 1s.

Transcript

{Open to the basement of Jake's House, Conchris is working on a capsule-like machine when Jake walks in}

JAKE: Erm... what are you doing?

CONCHRIS: What? Oh. {throws spanner off-screen} This is my newest and latest and greatest invention yet. I call it the NetPod!

{Jake looks over the capsule machine briefly, with a look of concern on his face}

JAKE: I'm not sure if that's-

CONCHRIS: Shut up! It's totally original, now watch as I-

{Conchris pushes a red button on the NetPod, causing a red light to flash in the basement}

JAKE: Uh... what was that?

CONCHRIS: Nothing.

{The flashing red light stops}

CONCHRIS: {pushes the blue button} Now let's try th-

{An explosion occurs, cue intro}

{Cut to outside Jake's House, Katie walks out of the house and over to the mailbox, completely oblivious to the goings on in the background (Two stick figures fighting it out). She reaches into the mailbox, pulling out a couple of letters}

KATIE: Lessee... junk mail, junk mail, letter of application, bills, useless advertisement, video of a cat on fire falling from an aeroplane... {pulls out a letter, a different colour from the rest} Jake! This one's got your name on it! {glances over to the door, where who is supposedly Jake is standing, the Jake turns around}

JAKE?: {high-pitched voice} I'M NOT JAKE! {maniacal laughter}

{Jake?'s maniacal laughter gets cut short by Katie smacking him over the head}

JAKE?: Ow! {normal voice} Katie, it's me!

KATIE: Huh? Wha? Oh... For a second there I thought you weren't.

{Jake gets up, a visible bruise can be seen where Katie smacked him}

JAKE: Funny... now, about that letter...

KATIE: Oh! Here you go. {hands Jake his letter}

JAKE: Right... {opens letter}

Dear Jake Goodwin,
Do you take your mask and boxing gloves off before you go to bed?
Signed,
Abdi LaRue

JAKE: This is not anything related to what I want out of life. Even though one of my lifelong dreams was to become a wrestler.

KATIE: It is?

JAKE: Yeah! Just imagine, me as a wrestler.

{Swipe-cut to a non-descript wrestling ring, Jake is getting pummelled by a non-descript wrestler}

JAKE: You call that breaking my spine? You wouldn't break my spine even if- {sounds of bones cracking can be heard} -OW MY SPINE!

{Swipe-cut back, Jake and Katie stare at the camera for a brief moment}

JAKE: That wasn't a very hopeful flashforward.

{Conchris, dressed as Joel Dawson, appears between the two, causing them to look at him in surprise}

CONCHRIS: Hey guys, do you realise that the internet is leaking?

{Jake opens his mouth to speak, only to be interrupted by Katie}

KATIE: What... happened to you?

CONCHRIS: Haircut. {Jake opens his mouth to interject, and is rudely interrupted} So anyway, just warning you two. And I have an urge to go search for the lost treasures of Cleopatra, so... {pulls out a remote} See ya. {pushes the button on the remote, teleporting out}

{Beat}

JAKE: Huh, no wonder why the fabric of this show is falling apart.

KATIE: I just wonder what Aria's up to.

JAKE: Hm.

{Swipe cut to Reedsen City Streets, Aria and Mr. Person are walking along, with Mr. Person carrying ungodly amounts of shopping and looking very visibly tired}

ARIA: Now, we just need to get some stuff from there and then some other stuff here and perhaps get some more stuff over there... {speech becomes incomphrensible}

MR. PERSON: {thinking} Someone please kill me...

OFF-SCREEN VOICE: That could be arranged!

{Cut to a splash screen, Clark in his evil attire is standing on the road in a fighting stance. In the bottom-left corner are the words: Clark the Evil Guy (Evil Power Level: 8999)}

CLARK: {notices power level} Under nine thousand, what the f**k?

{Cut back to the streets, Aria and Mr. Person are both looking very confused}

ARIA: Huh, well, okay. Clark, we're not in the mood for your vil-

CLARK: SILENCE! {pulls out a laser gun and zaps Aria, who disintegrates into ash} HA HA HA HA HA HA! VICTORY IS MINE!

MR. PERSON: Really? Why?

CLARK: I KILLED SOMEONE!

{A quick 8-bit jingle plays}

MR. PERSON: Yeah, whatever... look... can I go, like now?

ARIA: {shows up from behind Mr. Person} Yeah, we have places to go to.

CLARK: Not until you see my evil plan come to fruition. Behold! {pulls out a boombox}

ARIA: That's a boombox.

CLARK: It's an evil boombox! It's a boombox that dispenses evil! It's just... {sigh} it's evil, okay?

MR. PERSON: Sure.

CLARK: Now suffer as I make you listen to Rick Astley... {extreme close up} ...FOREVER!

{DUN DUN DUN}

ARIA and MR. PERSON: {dulled voices} Oh no...

{Cut back to Jake's House - Living Room, which currently has some holes in it. Conchris is busy watching TV as Jake walks in}

JAKE: Oh hey, Conches... I thought you were out searching for the lost treasures of Cleopatra or whatever.

CONCHRIS: I got bored... and it was cancelled, thanks to afro-camel.

{Conchris leans over, angry look on his face, pointing at the afro-camel}

CONCHRIS: DAMN YOU AFRO-CAMEL!

AFRO-CAMEL: ...word.

JAKE: Uh-huh. Stolen jokes aside, are you going to fix this mess? I mean, it's nice and all with the internet leaking all over the place but, uh, I can't go anywhere without seeing someone dancing in an elevator.

{Cut to a mall with Jake standing outside the elevator, muffled music can be heard which then becomes clear as the door opens revealing a man dancing over another man lying down, singing}

JAKE: No. {pushes a button, causing the door to close}

{Cut back to the living room}

JAKE: And don't even get me started on the dancers that just come out of nowhere dancing to some sort of... rave... dance music?

CONCHRIS: Oh right... well, to answer your question, I've already devised a plan.

JAKE: If you've already devised a plan, then WHY HAVEN'T YOU DEPLOYED IT?!

CONCHRIS: Because... {pulls out a brick} ...this.

{Conchris throws the brick at Jake, knocking him off-screen. Cut to a white space where Jake materalises, Aria and Mr. Person are already there}

ARIA: Oh hey, Jake. You die?

JAKE: Yeah, pretty much... how'd you two get here?

ARIA: Clark bludgeoned us to death, then the boombox exploded and killed all of us.

JAKE: Well, you know what they say... YOLO. {nervous laughter which eventually subsides as Aria, Clark and Mr. Person look on with disapproval}

ARIA: No.

{Credits, part way into the credits, cut to...}

{Cut to Jake's House - Living Room, Conchris is holding a toaster}

CONCHRIS: Boy am I sure glad that hilarious off-screen opportunity happened.

KATIE: Yeah, it was, like, funny and stuff, and we fixed the internet.

CONCHRIS: Yep.

{Beat}

KATIE: So... where's Ja-{is interrupted by Conchris smacking her over the head with the toaster}

{Credits pick up where they left off}