Conshow/58

Summary

Aria is at it again! She decides that in order to take Cieeia's spot as main character, she needs to beat her at the challenge to end all challenges: The Writer's Challenge To The End Of The Challenge of mostly certain Death. Meanwhile, Sirhcnoc tries to convince Mayor Spyden out of the Tax fund... which is paid for in puzzles...

View the original episode here!

Transcript

{Open to Conchris' House - or more specifically, the living room - where Conchris is staring blankly at a similarly blank TV. Cieeia walks in and looks at the dust around the room}

CIEEIA: Shouldn't you clean up?

CONCHRIS: {zoned out} I'm the king of the potato people.

CIEEIA: O...kay... {points at Conchris} HE'S GONE INSANE! GET HIM CRUROAR!

{Cruroar jumps on-screen with a sledgehammer, and when he is about to hit Conchris, the intro starts up}

{Cut to Mr. Person's kitchen in his house, Aria and Mr. Person are sitting at a table drinking tea}

ARIA: You know, we've been ignored lately.

MR. PERSON: Well, maybe it's because the viewers of this show don't care about us. {looks at the camera} I know who you are... all twelve of you!

ARIA: Maybe we could use that as a motive to get spots as main characters!

MR. PERSON: Hold on a moment... let me think... {thinks rather deeply} That's the most stupidest idea ever. If you'll excuse me, I have a carnivorous plant garden to feed. {gets up from his chair and walks off}

ARIA: He grows carnivorous plants in his back garden? {suddenly jumps from her chair, spilling her tea in the process} You know what? I don't care what people think! My fanbase needs me! All one of them! But first, I need to get back to my house, I've left my "Main Character" kit there.

{Aria starts to walk off but is suddenly stopped by Mr. Person}

MR. PERSON: You're cleaning that up. {hands Aria a paper towel and darts off}

ARIA: {sighs} This is going to be a rather boring chore...

{Sarry Bcott suddenly bolts on-screen holding a towel}

SARRY: Hi, It's Sarry with Damntow! You'll be saying Da-

ARIA: {red eyes, yelling} SHUT UP BEFORE I RIP YOUR DAMN HEAD OFF!

{Sarry looks at Aria, intimidated. Sarry then darts off with the towel}

{Cut to Conchris' House (Computer Room), Conchris is at the computer, replying to an e-mail}

CONCHRIS: {typing} So you see, Sanon. Cieeia plus sugar plus a lighter equals hilarity. Too bad, you missed it though, that would make great episode material. {stops typing} Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a show to run.

{Conchris gets up off his seat and walks off, The Paper comes down a few seconds later reading, "Click here to- Oh wait."}

{Cut to the Living Room, Cruroar is sitting on the couch watching TV, the TV seems to be on the news channel}

NEWSMAN MCNEWSMAN: In today's news, a crazed woman going by the name of Aria seems to be attacking Wikity today, in a fit of rage. Apparently, she seems to be looking for one Ms. Goldilin. To you, {shudders} Bob...

{The scene of the TV cuts to the front of Wikity City Hall, Aria can be seen in the background with a flamethrower, stomping and flaming innocent civilians}

BOB: Thanks, Newsman. It appears that this young woman appears to be the self-proclaimed rival of Ms. Cieeia Goldilin, despite her having her own show before it got cancelled after three seasons. As of right now, she is taking her anger out on civilians, pleading, no, demanding that Ms. Goldilin shows her face at once and they'll finish this dispute ones and for all. {squints at the camera} Okay, who the hell thought that once is spelt ones?

{Cruroar picks up the remote and turns off the TV, he then throws it at the table, though it appears to suddenly turn into Chrionroar, who has several buttons on his back}

CHRIONROAR: I'M A REMOTE!

CRUROAR: Good for you... I guess.

{Conchris walks in from the stairs}

CONCHRIS: Hey, Cruroar. What's up.

CRUROAR: Hey, Conc... Wait a minute, are you the real Conchris?

CONCHRIS: What?

CRUROAR: The real Conchris would call me a loser and what not. He wouldn't even CARE about me... or Cieeia.

CONCHRIS: Dude, I'm too tired to be a jerk to you today. What on earth was that on the news?

{Cieeia is seen walking past the two holding a basket of clothes}

CRUROAR: Oh, some crazy woman named "Aria" wants Cieeia to go out and show her face.

CIEEIA: Pfft, as if SHE was of any threat.

CRUROAR: {turns to look at Cieeia} How come?

CIEEIA: Have you ever seen that one episode back in Season 1? You know, before all of this crap started?

CONCHRIS: Ah yes, the season that didn't suck.

CIEEIA: Aria will never go all out and...

{A knocking sound is heard coming from the front door}

CIEEIA: {sighs} I'll get it. {drops the basket onto the floor and walks over to the door}

{Cieeia opens the door to reveal a slightly singed Greg}

CIEEIA: What on earth happened to you?

GREG: She came, she saw... she nearly... {cough} killed me.

CIEEIA: Okay, first she hurts innocent civilians and NOW she attacks OUR villains?! That's it... she's gone too far! {stands in a determined stance} Time to finish this... once and for all! {picks up the basket of clothes} Once I put these clothes away.

{Cut to Wikity Park, Cieeia, Conchris and Cruroar walk in. Cieeia is holding a pipe with spikes glued onto it, Conchris is playing with a bunch of cards}

CONCHRIS: Nehehehe. {shows the back of the cards to Cruroar} Pick a card, any card.

CRUROAR: Um, no.

CIEEIA: Guys, quiet. I'm trying to find, what's-her-face.

ARIA: THAT'S ARIA TO YOU, {censored}!

{Cut to the fountain, Aria is standing on top of it. A dramatic jingle is heard. Aria then tries to step off of it but slips and falls into the water, she then gets out of the fountain with a frog on her head, which promptly hops off}

CONCHRIS: Wow, she's even more pathetic in pers-

{A flame suddenly engulfs Conchris for a few seconds before subsiding, leaving him charred}

CONCHRIS: I taste good... {falls over}

ARIA: HA HA HA! FEAR MY OVERPOWERED FLAMETHROWER!

{Aria starts up the flamethrower and tries to toast Cieeia, but she casually jumps away from the flames, only singing her shoulder}

CIEEIA: {yawn} Is that the best you can do? And besides, why do we always fight every time we meet?

ARIA: IT'S BECAUSE I CAN DEFEAT YOU, GO CHARIZARD! {throws a ball that is similar in design to a Pokéball}

{The ball misses and hits the tree instead, nothing happens}

CIEEIA: Oh come on! What do you WANT FROM ME?!

ARIA: Isn't it obvious?!

CRUROAR: What? You want me?

ARIA: NO! Well, you could be a nice benefit when I become a main character, cutie. {Cruroar blushes at the comment} I want to replace {points at Cieeia} YOU as one of the main characters!

CONCHRIS: {still lying on the ground} Good luck with that.

ARIA: SILENCE! {toasts Conchris with the flamethrower} Now, should we fight?

CIEEIA: Fine!

{Cieeia and Aria begin to fight, but before they could hit each other, the words "Pause" comes up on the screen, causing the world to suddenly stop. The Writer suddenly appears (looking similar to Conchris, minus the blue hair) and walks up to the two ladies. He then pulls out a remote and "un-pauses" the world. Cieeia and Aria nearly fall over from their missed attacks}

WRITER: I believe a challenge is in order.

CONCHRIS: L.O.G? Is that you?

WRITER: NO! {zaps Conchris} Anyway, I'm tired of you, Aria, bickering on about how it should be YOU in place of Cieeia. Just because your previous show was cancelled in three seasons doesn't mean you should try to kill someone for a spot as the main character.

ARIA: Well, what's the point?!

WRITER: To end your bickering, I will set a challenge for you.

CIEEIA: The Challenge of Almost Certain Death?

WRITER: N... Yes.

ARIA: What is it?

WRITER: It's a gauntlet of many dangerous things like water puzzles, falling blocks, DISAPPEARING blocks, spike traps and many more. Order yours today!

{The words "BUY NOW!" in capital red letters suddenly flash on-screen}

CONCHRIS: That challenge sounds stupid!

WRITER: Well it's better than the other episode, right?

{Pause}

CONCHRIS: I suppose you're right.

WRITER: Anyway... {close-up} Let the games begin.

{Cut to the top of Wikity Mountain, Cieeia and Aria climb up to the top, out of breath, followed by Conchris who is dragging Cruroar behind him}

CONCHRIS: You should lose some weight... and some arms... and legs.

CRUROAR: It's not my fault my arms somehow locked up.

WRITER: {voice} Welcome to the gameshow that is popular with masochists! It's Die! Today's contestants on Die are two lovely ladies that hail from Wikity, give it up for Ms. Goldilin and Aria!

{An un-seen crowd is heard applauding}

ARIA: {glares at Cieeia} You're going to lose, got it?!

CIEEIA: {yawn} Can we get this over with?

WRITER: {voice} Fine fine. There are a few rules: One - No cheating. Two - Dying is not permitted. Three - First to reach the end is the victor. On your marks... get set... GO!

{Aria speeds off into the distance with Cieeia slowly taking her time at the "barrels of doom" (which is stated on a sign hung near her)}

CONCHRIS: OH COME ON! STOP BEING SUCH A WUSS!

CIEEIA: But... But... slow and steady wins the race...

CONCHRIS: I'll slowly and steadily kill YOU if you don't pick up the pace!

CRUROAR: Gee, like that isn't some kind of innuen-

CONCHRIS: SHUT UP! {pulls out Cruroar's Solar gun and blasts Cruroar with it}

CRUROAR: Umm... ouch?

CONCHRIS: Crap.

{Cut to the middle part of Wikity Mountain, Aria is having trouble with the "TROUBLESOME WATER TEMPLE-STYLE PUZZLE" (which is, again, stated on a sign hung nearby)}

ARIA: GOD-DAMNIT! I FREAKING HATE THIS PUZZLE! GRR! {kicks a small switch and the barrier in front of her falls down} Oh... I guess this is the skip switch...

{Aria runs off again, but she is now being chased by a boulder}

ARIA: OH WHAT THE HELL?!

{Cut to the upper part of the mountain, Cieeia has finally gotten past the Barrels of Doom and is now in the "Laser Field of Certain Annoyance"}

CIEEIA: {sigh} Why?

{Cieeia slowly creeps her way past the lasers, she almost makes it but accidentally trips on, turning on the spiked walls which then slowly close in on her}

CIEEIA: CRAP!

{Cieeia quickly tries to get through the lasers as quick as possible and just barely makes it out, missing one shoe}

CIEEIA: {breathes a sigh of relief} I wonder what's next?

{Cieeia presses a button on a nearby barrier, the barrier opens up to reveal the "TROUBLESOME WATER TEMPLE-STYLE PUZZLE"}

CIEEIA: OH WHAT THE HELL?!

{Cut to the bottom part of the mountain, Aria quickly jumps over the pit of crocodiles and suddenly stops to look at a nearby store}

ARIA: 100% OFF?! AWESOME! {runs inside the store, disregarding the doors (which gets torn off anyway)}

{Cieeia slowly walks by, looking rather bruised and bleeding}

CIEEIA: Someone please kill me...

{The camera turns around to reveal what Cieeia is looking at. It appears that a giant castle with spikes all around the battlements is blocking the way to the finishing line, Aria walks out, looking rather angry}

ARIA: Freaking scammers... I'll show them a piece of my... {looks at Cieeia} HA HA HA HA! Look at you! You're a mess! No wonder why you suck!

CIEEIA: {grinds teeth} {to herself} Just ignore her, just keep going... {slowly walks off}

ARIA: Hey! Hey! Where are you going?! I have 1,000 more lists of insults to hurl at you! {runs off after Cieeia}

{Cut to the inside of the castle, several armed guards block Cieeia's path, Aria runs in and takes one look at the guards}

ARIA: Wow, you guys have even less of a fashion sense than bruise almighty over there!

GUARD: YOU SHALL NOT PASS.

CIEEIA: Please sir... I can't be bothered to go on useless fetch quests... I'm bruised... I'm bleeding halfway to death... Please let me by... Please?

GUARD: YOU SHALL NOT PA- Okay, fine, you can pass, young lady.

CIEEIA: Thank you kind sir...

{Cieeia slowly walks past the armed guards, Aria tries to casually walk with Cieeia but is then suddenly blocked by the guards}

GUARD: YOU SHALL NOT PASS.

ARIA: {sigh} Bring it!

{The guards starts to attack Aria but then she starts up the flamethrower, toasting them to death}

ARIA: Oh! Did you guys already forget Rule 2? Dying is not permitted! Oops! I should've told you that! He he he! {runs off}

{Cut to another part of the castle, the Writer is standing by the back door with a finish line in front of him. Cieeia and Aria appears on-screen}

ARIA: HA! There you are!

WRITER: Took you ladies long enough. Now, the first to step over the finishing line wins!

ARIA: That's easy!

{Aria takes a single step towards the line, activating a hidden switch (that makes a clicking noise), which then reveals the pit full of dangerous things, even jumping fireballs}

ARIA: EEP! Maybe not...

WRITER: I forgot to mention that the game show is called "Die" for a reason.

CIEEIA: Being beaten mercilessly to death?

WRITER: Correct.

CIEEIA: {coughs} Oh god, I think my heart's going to give.

ARIA: Pfft! Wuss! Here goes nothing!

{A block suddenly appears over the pit (suspended in mid-air somehow). Aria jumps on it and then continues to jump on the blocks as they appear in front of her. After the 10th block appears, it suddenly disappears as the 11th block arrives... behind her. Aria jumps into the pit thinking that a block can be willed into existence from the land of dreams, but she then plummets to her death}

ARIA: {whilst falling} SCREW YOU MORO- {disappears Megaman style}

{Cut to the top part of the mountain, Aria suddenly appears at the starting line again}

ARIA: GOD DAMN IT!

{Cut back to the castle, Cieeia is contemplating on whether she should go or not}

CIEEIA: {gulps} Here goes nothing.

{Cieeia hops on the 1st block just as it appears, she tries to keep her balance after she lands on the block, she continues to do this with every block she then lands on afterwards. After the 10th block appears, Cieeia suddenly stumbles backwards}

CIEEIA: CRAP!

{Cieeia turns around and grabs the 11th block in the air, pulling intense strain on her arms}

CIEEIA: Argh. Ow.

{The 12th block suddenly appears near the other side of the pit that Cieeia quickly grabs. She then proceeds to clamber up and crosses the finishing line. A fanfare is heard from an unseen source}

WRITER: We have a winner!

{The castle slowly disappears to reveal the bottom of the mountain, and Cruroar}

WRITER: That's right ladies and gentlemen! Someone actually survived our course! {pulls out a microphone and holds it up to Cieeia} How do you feel to be the first person on "Die" to not die?

CIEEIA: Great?

WRITER: Good! Now get lost! {disappears in a puff of smoke}

{Aria runs in holding a tree like a club}

ARIA: YOU! IT'S NOT OVER YET! I DEMAND A REMATCH! HYAH!

{Aria tries to smash the already weakened Cieeia with the tree but misses}

CRUROAR: How can you even HOLD that anyway?

ARIA: Oh yeah, I forgot... CRAP! {falls over backwards with the tree, causing her to fall into a truck full of glass} OW!

CRUROAR: Phew... {looks in Cieeia's direction} Are you alright?

CIEEIA: Y... yeah... I'm alright... {looks around} Where's Conchris?

CRUROAR: He's gone off somewhere to who knows where.

{Cut to Sirhcnoc's Lair on A Hill, Mayor Spyden walks away happily with a completed puzzle in his hands. Conchris is seen standing near Sirhcnoc, dusting his hands off}

CONCHRIS: Now, would that be cash or charge?

SIRHCNOC: No, now go away.

CONCHRIS: Alright, you asked for it! {pulls out the solar gun and blasts Sirhcnoc with it, turning him into a pile of ash}

NARRATOR: {v.o.} Next time on Die...

{Cut to a field of grass, Officer Generic is there fighting off several armed Yffulfs... with lasers, he then gets blasted in the arm}

OFFICER GENERIC: OW MY FREAKING ARM! {looks at the oncoming lasers} ARGH!

{Officer Generic is zapped into a skeleton from the lasers, his skeleton then collapses into a crumpled heap on the ground.}

NARRATOR: {v.o.} Ooh! That oughta hurt!

{Cue credits}