Conshow/53

Summary

A haunted house appears on top of a hill, several weeks late! In a game of Truth or Dare, Conchris dares Cruroar to enter the aformentioned house without leaving at all for a day. Will Cruroar survive the night? Or will the totally original ghost that is out looking for revenge get him first? Also, where's Greg?

Cast (In order of appearance): Sirhcnoc, Bob the Builder Yffulf, Cruroar, Cieeia, Conchris, Chrionroar, Forest

Transcript

{Open to a hill with Sirhcnoc's Lair in the background, a mist covers the hill. Zoom in on Sirhcnoc's Lair}

{Cut to Sirhcnoc's New Lair on a Hill, Sirhcnoc is looking at the aforementioned hill through an Incredibly-Largiscope (tm)}

SIRHCNOC: Ugh... this better not be a new villain, or else, I'll have to kill them...

{Pause}

SIRHCNOC: Shut up Greg.

{Cut to the hill from before, the mist clears to reveal a creaky old wooden house with broken windows and a broken door, the wind can be heard whistling (blowing? I dunno) in the background.}

{Cut back to Sirhcnoc's New Lair on a Hill, Sirhcnoc pulls himself away from the Incredibly-Largiscope (tm) to reveal that his right eye has enlargened}

SIRHCNOC: I should seriously fix those vents emitting hallucinogenic gas.

{Pause}

SIRHCNOC: But I wonder what kind of ancient artefacts lurk in there? Hmm... {strokes chin}

{Cue intro}

{Cut to Conchris' Living Room, Conchris, Cruroar and Cieeia are sitting on the couch watching TV. The TV shows a scene with Bob reading off the pieces of paper at a desk.}

BOB: ...and that's how everything ended up to be. {shuffles paper} In other news, a strange looking house appeared on a hill next to resident villain "Sirhcnoc" after a freak fog earlier in the afternoon. Sirhcnoc is an infamous villain for his wily acts and his dastardly deeds but he has warned that anyone wanting to enter the house should NOT go anywhere near it. We now go to Aria for a live update.

{The scene on the TV shifts to outside Sirhcnoc's Lair on a hill, Sirhcnoc is completely pale and his lair is blurred out}

ARIA: Thank you. Mr. Sirhcnoc, can you tell us what happened in that house?

SIRHCNOC: {far off voice} The chains... the-the... blood and the... GHOST and the... the... ARGHHHHHH! {runs off}

ARIA: Back to you, Bob.

{The scene on the TV shifts back to Bob sitting at the news desk, his voice becomes indecipherable as Conchris, Cruroar and Cieeia talk over the noise}

CONCHRIS: A house on a hill, eh? Sounds REALLY generic!

CRUROAR: Well, the writer is running out of things to write about now. I'm sure the next episode will probably be another freaking flashback to the past.

CIEEIA: Or how about mar-

CONCHRIS: Say that word on this show and I'll make sure you lose your ability to speak.

{Cieeia shuts her mouth}

CRUROAR: But seriously, who would be stupid enough to go there the house? I mean, there's probably a few people looking for those artifacts.

CONCHRIS: For the last time, Cruroar, ART-E-FACTS!

CRUROAR: But... I like the American spell-

CONCHRIS: In MY house, you spell it ARTEFACTS.

CIEEIA: How can you even SEE words anyway?

CONCHRIS: I do. I have words vision... and x-ray vision.

CIEEIA: O...kay.... right...

{Pause}

CRUROAR: So... what should we do now?

CONCHRIS: How about a game of Extreme Truth or Dare!

CIEEIA: That doesn't sound vaguely like a plot device at all!

{Cut to Conchris' Kitchen, Conchris, Cruroar and Cieeia are at the table with a bottle in the middle, Conchris has a piece of paper in his hand}

CONCHRIS: Right, so I have a list of dares and truths that I want to say, so I'm pretty much set.

CIEEIA: Right. Let's spin the bottle.

{Cieeia reaches out for the bottle and spins it, the bottle slowly stops at Conchris}

CONCHRIS: Aw man!

CIEEIA: Will you do a truth? Or a {pulls out a knife with an evil look in her eyes} dare?! WA HA HA HA HA HA!

{Conchris and Cruroar looks at Cieeia, confused.}

CIEEIA: Just setting the atmosphere, boys!

CONCHRIS: I'm manly enough to do a truth!

CRUROAR: I thought it was a da-

CONCHRIS: Shut up, baby boy. Manly men always speak the truth!

CIEEIA: Hmm... what's your deepest darkest secret?

CONCHRIS: Oh boy, NOW you're asking for it! The thing is, I created a monster once. You know, like that monster made by a guy named Dr. Frankenstein? Yeah, I made something like that and I had to seal him away from the rest of the world and now he's back at the old house rotting away, waiting for some fresh blood to kill and eat... he was the worst creation I ever brought to life.

{Cruroar and Cieeia stare at Conchris, scared}

CONCHRIS: So... it's my turn is it?

CIEEIA: Yeah... sure...

{Conchris spins the bottle, the bottle slowly stops at Cruroar}

CONCHRIS: Ah-HA! Now, are you a truther? Or a darer?

CRUROAR: Well, since I don't want to tell of my deepest and darkest secret.

CONCHRIS: Wuss.

CRUROAR: I'm going to have go with a dare.

CONCHRIS: Now we're talking! Anyway, I want you to go to that haunted house on a hill and stay there for the night. You cannot leave at all until you have stayed the night and slash or found an ancient artefact. And you must come back here, alive.

{Pause}

CIEEIA: That's... dangerous...

CRUROAR: Well, I guess I have no choice. {gets up off his seat and stands in a courageous manner} I won't let any haunted house stand in my way! I'm going to prove to Conches that I am a man!

CONCHRIS: Baby.

CRUROAR: Shut up! You're ruining my moment!

CIEEIA: {walks off} I'll go get the flashlight.

{Cut to the outside of the haunted house, Conchris, Cruroar and Cieeia are standing at the front door, Cruroar has a flashlight in his right hand with a backpack on his back. Cieeia looks worried whilst Conchris isn't fazed by any of it}

CIEEIA: Cruroar, I'm sure I'll miss you while you're in there, it's going to be a bit more quieter without you.

CONCHRIS: Yeah, and without a comic foil to boss around, who will try to correct me now? Foily? Pfft, that's years ago man! Moily is the future!

{A piece of foil with a piece of moss on it flies up to Conchris}

MOILY: YEAH BOY! WE GONNA HAVE SOME COMIC FU-

{Conchris shoots Moily without looking at it, Moily falls to the ground}

CONCHRIS: So anyway, good luck.

CRUROAR: I'm sure I'LL need it.

CIEEIA: Oh and Cruroar... if you are about to die... please... think of me, I'd rather you die happy than alone and cold in there...

CRUROAR: I'm sure I'll survive against all odds.

CONCHRIS: Okay, that's enough of a touching moment, wah wah. Now, later. {opens the door and pushes Cruroar in, he then slowly closes the door}

{Cut to the inside of the haunted house, Cruroar turns on the flashlight and looks around, he voice echoes a bit}

CRUROAR: Hello? Anyone there? Hello?

VOICE: HELLOTE?!

CRUROAR: GAH!

{A dark figure flies down from the ceiling and lands in front of Cruroar, Cruroar shines the light on it to reveal that it was Chrionroar}

CRUROAR: What the? What are you doing here?

CHRIONROAR: I has new friend here! His name is not important! Bit stabby though.

CRUROAR: I didn't know you could speak without shouting.

CHRIONROAR: MY FRIEND NO LIKE IT WHEN ME SHOUTS!? HE ALSO LICKS STOP SIGNZ?!

CRUROAR: Err... yeah... I'm going to continue looking around this house now.

CHRIONROAR: HAS FUNZ! {flies off, somehow}

CRUROAR: Yeah, I sure will...

{Cut to Conchris' Living room, Conchris is sitting on a chair whilst Cieeia is lying back on the couch}

CIEEIA: I'm worried, Conchris.

CONCHRIS: Worried about what? That guy?

CIEEIA: Cruroar, yes. What if he encounters the ghost of that house? What if it tried to kill him?

CONCHRIS: I'm pretty sure incorporeal {has trouble pronouncing the word "incorporeal"} entities can't kill corporeal entities.

CIEEIA: Why did you say "corporeal" correctly yet you have trouble saying its negative form?

CONCHRIS: I just do.

CIEEIA: Yeah, like you haven't used that excuse already...

CONCHRIS: Shut up.

{Cut back to the inside of the haunted house, Cruroar looks around in the dining hall, as he walks around, a painting of a rather dapper man's eyes follow his movements around the room. Cruroar constantly checks behind his back when he hears creaking}

CRUROAR: Man... this place is even more creepier than I thought...

{A sound of girly screaming is faintly heard}

CRUROAR: What was that?

{Cruroar runs towards the source of the screaming, only to end up in the lounge with Greg shivering}

CRUROAR: Greg? You were screaming?

GREG: {turns around} WHO ARE YOU?!

CRUROAR: Cruroar "Jake" Goodwin. Greg, don't you know me?

GREG: {breathes a sigh of relief} I thought you were that murderous psychopath brandishing a knife!

CRUROAR: Wow... this sounds vaguely like a plot to a horror movie... or a horror game... or a horror game based off a movie. Wait... if you're here and Sirhcnoc's not... why are you still sane?

GREG: I have a higher tolerance for scary things but even things like death can scare a Yffulf like me and cause us to scream... like girls unfortunately.

CRUROAR: Well, glad I wasn't the only sane one in here.

GREG: I hope so too, unless you plan on getting rid of that psychopath?

CRUROAR: I probably would but... Conches told me to go inside this house and stay for the night.

GREG: Well then... {pulls out a flashlight and puts it up to his face} prepare for the longest and scariest night of your life.

{Cut to Conchris' Living room, Cieeia is staring out the window that is showing the house on the hill, Conchris turns on the light and walks in, looking rather tired}

CONCHRIS: You still up? Seriously, I'm sure he doesn't have to do that weird puzzle crap that everyone has to do in haunted houses, I mean, all he has to do is stay the night, not solve puzzles that involve switches and levers. So don't worry about him and get some sleep.

CIEEIA: I'm fine.

{Forest walks in}

FOREST: Want me to blast her head off?

CONCHRIS: Save it, Forest.

FOREST: No. {shoots Conchris' head off}

{Pan left to reveal another Conchris}

CONCHRIS: I'm so glad that my clone was there.

{Pause}

FOREST: The more you do that, the more I get freaked out. How do you do it?

CONCHRIS: I just do.

FOREST: Oh please, sources indicate that you've used that excuse about three times today!

CONCHRIS: Shut up.

{Cut to the haunted house, Cruroar and Greg are walking along a corridor}

GREG: Why do I get this feeling that we're going to have to do something?

CRUROAR: Probably just you.

{Cruroar and Greg pass a sign that reads "Weird Puzzle Crap ->"}

{Cruroar and Greg enter a room that is filled with levers and switches with several platforms}

GREG: I knew it.

CRUROAR: Who the hell built this house? A crazed inventor?

{Cruroar and Greg go off to pull several levers and switches, a montage occurs with them going up and down the platforms until they finally arrive at the top, tired and out of breath}

CRUROAR: That was... boring...

GREG: Dear god... who made such a torturous device?

CHRIONROAR: I'S DID! {flies in from another room}

{Cruroar nearly falls off the platform in shock}

CRUROAR: You should stop scaring me like that!

CHRIONROAR: I GO GET FRIEND! {shouting} FRIEND! WE HAS NEW VISITORS!

{A strange figure appears from the room, it appears to be a strange person wearing a torn shirt and trousers.}

FIGURE: Hurr. (For the last time, I'M NOT YOUR FREAKING FRIEND!)

CRUROAR: Uhh... man? What is that... thing?

FIGURE: HURRGHA! (I AM NOT A THING!)

CRUROAR: YIKES! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

GREG: Um... what are you exactly?

FIGURE: Hurr. (I am a failed creation of that evil man!)

GREG: Sirhcnoc?

FIGURE: Hurr. (No. Conchris!)

CRUROAR: Wait... WHAT?! YOU'RE the abomination that Conchris was talking about?

FIGURE: Grr... (Well? What's it to you?)

CRUROAR: Well, Conches has told me to either come back after killing a monster or getting an artefact, preferably both.

FIGURE: Grr... (YOU WERE SENT BY HIM TO KILL ME?!)

CRUROAR: Wait... I'm supposed to kill YOU?!

FIGURE: {incomprehensible wailing} (DIIIIIIIEEEEEE!) {takes a knife from the table and brandishes it}

GREG: Oh boy... now what?

CRUROAR: I think we should... RUN!

{Cruroar and Greg run past the figure, dodging his swipe as they go, the figure slowly turns around}

FIGURE: Grr... (Kill... Must... kill...)

{Cut to another part of the house, Cruroar and Greg stop to catch their breath}

CRUROAR: I think... we... I think we... lost him...

GREG: Okay good. I think we're safe for now. {walks over to the door to close it}

CRUROAR: Wait... what's that?

GREG: What's what?

CRUROAR: {points at Greg's foot} That note.

GREG: Oh. {pulls the note off his foot and starts to read it} Ahem... Dear to whom it may concern...

CONCHRIS: {v.o} I believe that I have created an abomination, he has tried to destroy some lives especially mines. For my last resort, I had to seal him in a closet, where he is now sitting there, rotting. In order to stave off some intruders, I have installed weird puzzle crap to the room before this one. The closet contains some valuable artefacts that will never see the light of day if I am correct but if you had the guts to open this closet door, then I am wrong and you've probably made off with most of the artefacts already. The creature must not be disturbed and should you dare open the door, close it immediately and run away as far as you can.

I trust you to make the right decision, I know I'm not always serious but I am now.

Also, Cruroar, if you happen to read this, I suggest you run.

{Pause}

CRUROAR: Wha? This is getting more confusing by the minute!

GREG: I'm sure that nothing else would happen to u- {gets knocked over by the door}

CRUROAR: GAH!

{The figure stands at the doorway, staring at Cruroar with angry eyes}

FIGURE: ARRRRRGRRHGHGH! (DIE!)

{The figure starts to slowly walk towards Cruroar, Cruroar looks around to see if he can find anything useful and picks up a book. He tosses the book at the figure, who flinches in pain and starts to double over into the conveniently placed fireplace. His body is then set on fire}

CRUROAR: Whoa... that was too easy...

{Chrionroar flies in}

CHRIONROAR: NOEEES! FRIEND! {picks up the figure} FRIEND! DON'T DIE!

FIGURE: Hur... (Chrionroar, you've been a poor friend... but... I guess this is it for me...)

CHRIONROAR: YOU ARE GREAT FRIEND! MAH FRIEND!

FIGURE: Grr... (I hate you so much...) {slumps over}

CHRIONROAR: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS! Oh wells! {pulls out a stop sign} I has new friend now!

{The fire sets the table alight and then the cupboards}

CRUROAR: I think we should get out of here...

{Cut to the outside of the haunted house, Cruroar is dragging Greg along and is confronted by Cieeia}

CIEEIA: Cruroar! {runs up to hug Cruroar}

CRUROAR: I missed you!

CIEEIA: Thank goodness you're alright!

CRUROAR: Well, the figure in there gave me quite a scare but I'm sure I'm alright.

CIEEIA: Well, at least you're still alive... {looks down at Greg} What's he doing here?

GREG: Door... knocked... me... over... freaking... door...

CRUROAR: He was in the house too.

CIEEIA: Oh...

{Pause}

CIEEIA: Should we go home then?

CRUROAR: Sure!

{Cruroar and Cieeia walk off together, leaving Greg behind, Conchris suddenly appears from behind a pillar}

CONCHRIS: It's a happy ending!

{Greg recovers from his shock to look up at Conchris, confused}

CONCHRIS: What?

{Cue credits}

{Cut to the Writer's Office, the writer looks over what he has written}

WRITER: {sighs} I should stop playing scary games...

CONCHRIS: {off-screen} Wuss.

{Cut to a black screen with the word "END" on it}