Conshow/74

Summary

Clarice intends to hold Conchris and pals for hostage, offering the mayor of Reedsen a very expensive ransom. Meanwhile, Clark decides to take matters into his own hands and goes out in search of minions that would follow his every command.

Transcript

{Intro}

{Open: Ominous Fortress - Dining Room, Conchris and friends are tied to chairs around the table}

CONCHRIS: Y'know, when I heard the words tea and party, this isn't exactly what I was expecting.

CLARICE: Maybe you should probably think twice before accepting a nice lady's invitation to a tea party in her OMINOUS FORTRESS OF OMINOUSITY! {poses in an exaggeratedly evil manner}

{beat}

CONCHRIS: ...that's not what I was on about. I was more on about the ropes? I didn't know you were in bonda--

{Clarice pulls a lever and Conchris, chair and all, disappears.}

CONCHRIS: WAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

{Beat}

CLARICE: ...anyone else want to question my motives?

JAKE: Uh, yeah. I'd like to question you. {disappears under the table for a moment before coming back up with glasses and a sheet of paper} First of all, I'd like to know... why'd you invite us to a tea party in the first place if the first thing you do was kidnap us?

CLARICE: Do you really think I'm going to answer that?

JAKE: Well... I was kind of hoping that you wo--

CLARICE: To hold you guys for ransom! {pulls out a remote, pointed to a screen, as she presses it, several pictures are seen (in order): The logo for Reedsen Network, Conshow's logo, a picture of Jake asleep on the couch, the world with $$$ signs above it, and a picture of Clarice's face mid-evil laughter} Because you guys somehow manage to save the day whenever evil is afoot, I've decided to capture you guys and use you to extort money from the government itself! Without any proper funding, the network will have to shut down and you will be unemployed! Again! And then I'll take over the world by buying out each and every country with my hard earned gains, and it shall be GLORIOUS! Wahahahahahahaha!

JAKE: Uh... huh... except you're missing one fatal thing...

CLARICE: And dare I ask, what, dear not-minion?

JAKE: Well... you see, we're not the most popular show on the netw--

{Clarice pulls the lever and Jake disappears in the same manner as Conchris}

CLARICE: Any other stupid questions?

KATIE: Is Jake and Conches going to be ok--

{Katie disappears... just like the other two before her}

CLARICE: Right... now off to the studio! I've got demands to make!

HENCHMAN: Yes, ma'am!

{Cut: Clark's Gift Shop, Clark is hunched over the counter, looking lost in thought}

CLARK: {sighs} Where did I go wrong? Was it because I wasn't trying to kill them hard enough? Or is it because this show is poorly written? {shrugs} Probably the latter. {sighs}

{Clark rubs his chin in thought before a lightbulb appears above his head}

CLARK: I think I just got an idea! {looks up to see the lightbulb and snatches it from the air before chomping on it, chewing, and then spitting it out} Bleh... why'd those aliens think lightbulbs were so tasty back in the days? That is so 2010.

{Cut: Reedsen Studios, Clarice and her henchmen blow down the front door with an explosive, the henchmen are armed with machine guns}

CLARICE: Alright, nobody move! I'm here for the studio space!

DESK CLERK: Well, uh, w-we have a spare st-studio u-up on Floor Thr--

{The desk clerk is vaporised by Clarice, who pulled out a laser gun}

CLARICE: Good enough. Minions! Let's broadcast our control of the entire Reedsen network and then, when we're done, we can use the money from ad revenue to buy out the other networks, and then we can take over the world! Wahahahahahaha!

{Clark pops up from behind the counter, confusing Clarice}

CLARK: Uh... yeah... I'm pretty sure I did that bef-- {is suddenly stopped by Clarice grabbing him by the collar}

CLARICE: You're not even supposed to be in this scene! {throws Clark off-screen} Now, where was I? Oh yes! Wahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

{Cut: Reedsen Mall, Clark is milling around until he walks past a bunch of TVs, that were showing off the exact same scene and then switches out for Clarice. Clark stops and takes a few steps back}

CLARK: Oh god! How cliché and expected!

CLARICE: Dearest citizens of Reedsen city, I have captured your pathetic excuses for TV show characters and am holding them hostage for... {looks off-camera} How much? {incoherent mumbling} Oh! {looks back at the camera} One trillion dollars!

CLARK: ONE TRILLION DOLLARS?!

CLARICE: Yes... ONE trillion dollars and not a cent less, unless you'd like for your gang of stupid, dumb, moronic (JAKE: Hey!), ugly and pathetic excuses for comedians to take a nice little... {the camera on the TV cuts to a scene of Conchris, Jake, and Katie suspended in a cage above a pool of sharks} ...bath. Wahahahahahahaha!

CLARK: Hey! Those are my heroes you're trying to kill!

CLARICE: Oh, and Clark, if you're watching this, you're a butt. Ta-ta! {The tvs inexplicably shut off}

CLARK: Hey! {beat} I'm a moron, not a butt!

{Clark begins to pace back and forth}

CLARK: I guess that means I'll have to rescue these fools, but how? I don't have any minions and...

{Clark stops, looking over to the left. The camera pans to reveal what he's looking at. Mr. Convenient's Minion Emporium}

CLARK: Of course! {The camera suddenly swipes to the right, revealing Clark going into Bob's Hardware Store} I'll make my own minions!

{Cut: Clarice's studio. The namesake of the studio is staring smugly at the trio, Jake and Katie clinging to each other for dear life}

CLARICE: So... any last words?

CONCHRIS: You're going to kill us? Right after the broadcast? Really?

CLARICE: Well, I wasn't exactly known for playing fair. {grasps the lever} Fare-thee-well, Conshow, you shall not be miss-- {an explosion occurs off-screen, knocking her off-balance} Oh what the?!

{The camera swoops over to reveal Clark, backed up by an army of small metallic humanoid minions, four of which seem to be holding a rocket launcher with one manning it}

CLARK: Looks like your show is cancelled! {fist pumps} Yessssssssss, I did it! I got my witty one-liner right!

CLARICE: Uh... {takes a villainous pose} You fool! These heroes are mine to destroy! You are just too late!

CLARK: Oh yeah? Well... {puts on a smug look, pulling out a sheet of paper} look at this!

{The paper reads:

Villain's Council - Reedsen Branch - xxth May 20xx
Certificate of Villainous Authentication

I hereby declare that, in spite of recent non-villainous actions, I, Dr Grelschpelt, grant one Clark Grefter the right to cause chaos and destruction within the city limits belonging to the Council of Reedsen. Due to the binding nature of this document, I also hereby declare that all actions made by villains on this turf is grounds for court actions which may result in death, decapitation, recapitation, torture, forced watching of the currently most hated show at the time of the action, and more besides.

CLARICE: What?! But how! I was just given the job yesterday!

CLARK: Let's just say that I had a repeal... because, did you know? I had to make a profit so I can make my own minions. Every bucket of bolts, every last screwhead is mine to control, and now that I have my army of minions, made from Bob's Hardware Store. I can finally reassert my place as the top dog of this city!

CLARICE: Over my dead body!

CLARK: Gladly.

{Clark and his army of robots charge into the studio, with him swinging the first punch at Clarice, which barely misses her and which she counters with one of her own, knocking the villainous man back into a wall. He picks himself up, glaring at her as he takes a wide kick to her face, knocking her down onto the ground.}

CLARICE: Argh... that hurt!

{Clarice waits until Clark takes a few steps closer before kicking him, nudging him back into the lever, that clicks as he pushes it back}

CLARK: Wuh-oh...

{The cage starts moving down, slowly, towards the sharks}

JAKE: Don't worry about us, Clark! Just focus on defeating the boss!

CLARK: Thanks! I will!

{Clark stands, disappearing over the edge, sounds of fighting can be heard from above}

CONCHRIS: Oh shit, I didn't think he'd agree with you!

KATIE: Maybe you shouldn't try reverse psychology...

JAKE: I know... but the reference was so tempting.

{The camera cuts back to Clark and Clarice, Clark gaining the upper hand}

CLARICE: Argh... you're tougher than you look, I'll give you that.

CLARK: Why thank you, I've been traini-- {Clarice grabs his throat} ACK!

CLARICE: Do you honestly expect to believe that I would compliment you?!

CLARK: I -- AGH -- DID -- ACK!

CLARICE: {drags Clark over to the shark pit, dangling him precariously over the edge} So, Clark, any last words?

{Beat}

CLARK: Duck. {bows his head}

CLARICE: Wha? {turns around to see a robotic claw headed towards her, smacking her in the face and tasing her, forcing her to let go of Clark as she topples to the floor}

{Clark hangs loosely on the edge, pulling himself up and pulling the lever back into position}

CLARK: And... that's why... you always fight dirty...

{Conchris, Jake, and Katie come back up in the cage, their clothes partially ravaged and soaked}

JAKE: You took your sweet time. Can we go home no--

CLARK: YOU'RE FIRED!

{Cut: Jake and Katie's House - Living Room, Aria and Mr. Person are watching TV as Conchris, Jake and Katie come stumbling in}

ARIA: Wh-hoh! What happened to you guys?

JAKE: Kidnapped... had a shark fight... we won...

ARIA: Well, you know what they say...

MR. PERSON: Never fight a shark?

ARIA: Uh... ye--

{Credits #3}