Conshow/72

Summary

Conchris and Clark swap roles for a week, who will prove to be the better villain... no... hero? No, uh... anti-hero...? Anti... villain? Oh who cares.

Transcript

{Cue intro}

{Open: Clark's Gift Shop, Clark is asleep on the counter as Jake enters, stage left}

JAKE: Uh, hey, Clark.

CLARK: {sleepy} Wuh? Buh? Clarice? Is that y-- oh... {puts head back down} ...what is it?

JAKE: Uhm, the Villain Corp... place... thing... whatever. The Brotherhood called. They said that you haven't been villainising

the countryside recently and they're ready to revoke your villain license if you don't perform an act of villainry in, uhm...

{pulls out a sheet of paper, donning glasses to read} ...a week from now.

CLARK: Oh come on! I only just had one season to prepare myself! And do you know how much being a villain costs?! The prices

are tremendou--

JAKE: Uh... there are homeless people who do a better job at being a villain than you. Why, when I came down here, I bore

witness to a swarm of rats lead by one Hobo Joe.

{Cut: The Streets, Jake is walking along, pausing as he passes an alleyway. Squeaking sounds ensue.}

JAKE: What in the wo-- {turns around, eyes widening} --RRRRRRRLLLLLLDDDD?!

{Camera reveals a swarm of rats running down the alleyway, with a throne made out of cardboard and tin cans being carried by a

group of them. Sitting on the throne is a man with a messy bread, wearing a crown made out of plastic cups}

HOBO JOE: Itsh I, Hobo Joe! And I have come to take yer toes!

JAKE: Oh son of a--

{Cut: Clark's Gift Shop, Clark seems relatively disturbed while Jake remains non-chalant}

JAKE: So... yeah... you'll need to step up your villain game here. Also, don't count on me being your minion. I may be your

only employee, but I'm still one of the good guys.

CLARK: Oh, well, that's interesting...

{Beat}

CLARK: So, have you heard the news?

JAKE: What?

CLARK: YOU'RE FIRED!

{Cut: The House, Conchris is watching television while chomping down on a bag of non-descript chips. A door is heard opening and closing, causing the blue-haired one to look up}

CONCHRIS: Oh hey, it's the loser. How was work at Clark's Sh--

JAKE: Don't give me any of your lip, Conches. I was fired... again.

{Katie pops her head out of the kitchen doorway}

KATIE: That makes it... seventy-three now?

JAKE: Eh, well, I'm going to go upstairs and complain about how much my life sucks on the internet. Would anyone care to join m--

{The whole scene starts shaking as metallic footsteps grow louder and louder}

JAKE: What was th--

CONCHRIS: OH GOD IT'S THE APOCALYPSE!

KATIE: {clings to Jake} P-Protect me, s-sir knight!

{Cut: The Streets, a giant mecha stomps its way down the street, only to stop outside The House. The cockpit opens before ejecting its pilot}

CLARK: AAHHHHHHHHH-- Oof.

{Clark picks himself up off the ground as Conchris, Jake and Katie investigate}

CONCHRIS: Oh... I wasn't expecting any pizza delivery today, but I would gladly take it off yo--

CLARK: Silence you fool! {Beat} Now... I wanted to come here to tell you something so dark, so dangerous that not even the most villainous of villains would ever think it up!

JAKE: It's a toaster right? {Clark's expression becomes that of exasperation} It is a toaster, isn't it? {Clark slowly becomes more and more annoyed as Jake goes on} Or maybe it's a bus with a few spikes on it. Are you ever going t--

{Clark interrupts Jake by pulling out a taser and shocking him}

JAKE: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

CLARK: As I was saying... I, Clark the Gift Shop Guy, master of Wiki User Show Villainry, the member of multiple Villain organisations, and frequent club goer of Seventh Circle, challenge you, Conches, if that is your name, to a test of morality!

CONCHRIS: And that would be?

CLARK: I challenge you {pulls out a chalkboard and a pointer, pointing to the text that reads, as he says it:} to a Role Swap!

{Dun dun dun!}

CONCHRIS: {yawns} Bor-ring! That plot sounds like a body swap plot except without the body swapping. I mean, you're not even a hot chi--

{Clark fires the taser at Conchris, knocking him off-screen}

KATIE: {looks concerned} So what does that mean for us?

CLARK: Well, you get to be minions for a day... it's pretty good pay, or so I hear. I would know because I USED TO HAVE ONE.

KATIE: Oh... Is Jake going to be alri--

{Clark tases Katie, cut to Clark's Conches's Gift Shop, Conchris is sitting, bored, at the cash register as Katie roams the aisles, Forest is playing on an arcade cabinet, and Jake is watching cat videos in his office}

CONCHRIS: Curse that Clark. Not only did he challenge us, he broke my augments.

JAKE: I thought you didn't have any augments?

CONCHRIS: My vision is augmented... or WAS.

KATIE: Well, he challenged us to a role swap, so what should we do, oh, fearless leader?

CONCHRIS: Well...

{Katie glares at Conchris, smacking him}

KATIE: NOT THAT WAY!

CONCHRIS: {shocked} H-Hey! I'm not that kind of guy! At all... The kind of guy I am is...

{Cut to outside the Gift Shop, Katie and Forest are willing boards reading "Come Visit Reedsen Gift Shop!" "Guaranteed not to murder you!"}

KATIE: {dull} Come visit Reedsen's only gift shop... gifts that the whole family can enjoy... teddy bears, commerative mugs, death rays... we got 'em all...

FOREST: You sound so dull.

KATIE: Maybe it's because we have to wear these ridiculous billboards. {does a double-take as she realises Forest isn't wearing a billboard} Why aren't you wearing yours?!

FOREST: Well, who needs diplomacy, when you've got laser beams? Observe. {grabs a nearby passerby} Come visit Reedsen's only gift shop, or I will find where you live... and I will kill you.

PASSERBY: Okay! Okay! {pulls out wallet} You can take all the money I have! Just please don't hurt me!

{Forest lets the passerby go, snatching the wallet. She pulls out some money, counting it as she smiles smugly to Katie}

FOREST: One of the benefits for being a warbot. You get paid. In blood. And cash money.

KATIE: B-But... kindness wins all the wars...

FOREST: Oh no... poor little naive Katie is having her little worldview shattered. Boo-hoo, cry me a river. Grow u--

{Jump-cut, Forest is curled up against the wall, all mangled, while Katie walks about, waving Forest's arm around}

KATIE: Come visit Reedsen's only gift shop! Gifts that the whole family can enjoy!

{Cut to the inside of the Gift Shop, Conchris is manning the register as a man approaches with a pile of cards}

MAN: I would like to purchase these please.

CONCHRIS: Uh... I think you've already made your intent the minute you threw them onto the counter... anyhow... {pushes a few buttons on the cash register} That'll be, uh--

{A rumbling sound is heard, shaking the screen for a few moments before stopping}

CONCHRIS: 15 Reedsen bucks... {glances downwards} And I'll be right back...

{Cut: Gift Shop Basement, Conchris and Jake are at the top of the stairs, there is a large hover tank parked in the center}

JAKE: Holy...

CONCHRIS: Huh... I wonder if Clark knew he had one of these?

JAKE: Well, perhaps it's for the best that we-- {notices Conchris hopping into the driver's seat} H-Hey! That's not yours!

CONCHRIS: Oh yeah? Well, you're fired! {clangs the hatch shut, driving the tank off-screen, distant screams are heard}

JAKE: {sighs} Seventy-four...

{Cut: The House, Clark is lounging around on the sofa, sipping soda}

CLARK: Now this is what I call the Life, lounging around, watching TV, playing video games and just maxing and relaxing... Nothing bad can go wrong no--

{A distant explosion is heard off-screen}

CLARK: What in the blazes was that?!

{Clark runs outside to find a tank rolling down the street, firing lasers in seemingly random directions. It stops just short of Clark and a loudspeaker rolls out of the hatch}

CONCHRIS: {voice} So, Clark, my mortal enemy. Welcome to Die!

CLARK: {looks around, noting the charred buildings and screaming people} I... uh... don't feel very welcomed... and how'd you get a hovertank?

CONCHRIS: I stole it. And now... prepare to die! Wahahahahaha!

{The hovertank charges up a laser shot, firing it directly at Clark... and missing completely, bouncing harmlessly off a pile of shattered glass}

CONCHRIS: Uh...

CLARK: Alright, now it's my turn! I'll show you that I can be just as good at heroics as you! {charges towards the hovertank, arms flailing} Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

{Clark hits the tank once accompanied by a clink}

CLARK: I've done all I can.

CONCHRIS: Apparently...

CLARK: But wait! I still have a secret weapon!

CONCHRIS: Oh? Do tell...

CLARK: It's... wait, hold on, why am I telling you?

CONCHRIS: I dunno, it's what all heroes do.

CLARK: Well, I won't play to tradition! {climbs up the tank, climbing down the hatch and closing it shut} Give it.

CONCHRIS: No!

CLARK: Give it!

CONCHRIS: No!

CLARK: You will hand me that tank at once!

CONCHRIS: I stole it first!

CLARK: Well then I'll have to take it, by force! {clunk}

CONCHRIS: Ow! Why you! {thunk, clank, clunk}

{A loud klaxon is heard as the hovertank slowly turns red}

CLARK: Uh...

CONCHRIS: Uhm...

HOVERTANK: Self-destruct in 3... 2... 1...

{Beat}

CONCHRIS: Well that wa--

{The hovertank explodes, jump-cut to Reedsen Hospital, Conchris and Clark are heavily bandaged}

DOCTOR: You both are very lucky to have survived that explosion, not a lot of people live through those.

CLARK: {muffled} You're telling me...

DOCTOR: Anyway, your injuries should heal in a good week or so. As for me, I'm off to harrass this one kid who'd been a thorn in my side for too long... {pulls out a pair of bushy eyebrows and attaches them to his face} Bye. {jumps out of the nearby window, 8-bit spaceship sounds can be heard fading away, slowly, as Jake and Katie arrive}

JAKE: We came here as soon as we heard that you two were hospitalised!

KATIE: Yeah... we felt kind of bad that you keep firing Jakey-wakey (JAKE: Never call me that again), so we got you a present.

CONCHRIS: {muffled} A present?

{Katie opens the present, revealing it to be a flamethrower}

KATIE: YOU'RE FIRED!

{Cue credits (3)}