RiffText/User:JCM/songs

LIGHTNING GUY: Hello, everybody! I'm back! With special guest Mr. Cloud.
MR. CLOUD: Am I getting paid for this?
LIGHTNING GUY: Hahano.
MR. CLOUD: Goodbye. {leaves}
LIGHTNING GUY: He'll be back. Anyway, tonight's victim is a collection of terrible parody lyrics from none other than JCM. He wrote these during a several-month-long Weird Al obsession, one that thankfully ended before he could grace us with any more of these atrocities.
{Mr. Cloud returns.}
MR. CLOUD: Did you seriously lock us inside this theater? Where's the keys?
LIGHTNING GUY: You'll never find them.
MR. CLOUD: WHERE'S THE KEYS?
LIGHTNING GUY: Shh! It's starting!

It seems today that all you see
Is postmodern humor of master's degree

LIGHTNING GUY: So wait, does the humor have a master's degree? How does that even work?
MR. CLOUD: I refuse to riff this. I refuse to encourage this hostage situation.
LIGHTNING GUY: Oh, lighten up.

But where are those good old fashioned gimmicks
On which we used to rely?

LIGHTNING GUY: Used to? Have you seen the Big Bang Theory?
MR. CLOUD: HAHAHA THIS RIFF IS FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S A POP CULTURE REFERENCE
LIGHTNING GUY: Screw you, you random assemblage of slightly-pressurized water vapor.
MR. CLOUD: Hit me where it hurts, why don't you?

Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that make the
Experts cry

LIGHTNING GUY: I'm crying right now.
MR. CLOUD: What a baby.

Cause he's a family guy!

Hey, Lois, remember that time when JCM wrote all those parodies and stuff:

LIGHTNING GUY: Those were dark times.

Parodies

Don't Upload That Pic

Set to the tune of "Don't Download This Song" by Weird Al.

LIGHTNING GUY: Parodying a comedy song? How does that...why would you...what?
MR. CLOUD: Thank you for that sophisticated argument. You have certainly convinced me of your ability to form a coherent thought.
LIGHTNING GUY: Why are you riffing my riff? What is this, Riffception?
MR. CLOUD: Ooh, Riffception. I need to sell that idea to Christopher Nolan. I'd make a killing.

Lyrics

Once in a while maybe you will feel the urge
To turn and upload useless communism

LIGHTNING GUY: Yes, comparing an annoying thing that people do with an entire, oft-abused system of government is a great way to get people on your side.

Like bringing in images for file-sharing sites
The Wiki User Wiki's already terrorism

MR. CLOUD: What...what does that even mean?
LIGHTNING GUY: I think he just thought of some random thing that kind-of rhymed with communism and was like "sure!" despite the fact that it didn't make any sense whatsoever.
MR. CLOUD: I still hate you, you know.
LIGHTNING GUY: You'll get over it.

But deep in your heart you know the guilt would drive you mad
And the shame would kill your reputation

LIGHTNING GUY: If the Wiki User Wiki is literally terrorism, I doubt the users there would have much reputation left to kill.

'Cause it starts out as a file and it becomes a hotlink

MR. CLOUD: It's usually the other way around.
LIGHTNING GUY: And if the file is supposedly useless, why would you want to hotlink it, anyway?

And cracking into sites from every comp in your nation

LIGHTNING GUY: I'm pretty sure that one comp will do if you're cracking into sites, but sure, let's use every computer in the country. That's viable.

So don't upload that pic
Photobucket's where you should stick
Don't be a communist 'cause you know that it's wrong

MR. CLOUD: Are we still talking about images?
LIGHTNING GUY: This sounds like it's straight from a 1950s Washington Post editorial.

Oh, don't upload that pic

Oh, you don't wanna mess with the whole MGMT

LIGHTNING GUY: Typing out words is for poseurs!
MR. CLOUD: Oh, you spelled it with the "u", too!
LIGHTNING GUY: That's when you know it's real.

They'll ban you if you reupload that twice
It doesn't matter if you're autistic

MR. CLOUD: What the fuck?
LIGHTNING GUY: WHAT THE FUCK?

or a seven year old child
They'll eat you like a giant delicious plate full of brown rice

LIGHTNING GUY: He was obviously hungry when he wrote this.

So don't upload that pic
Don't go around here acting like some hick

MR. CLOUD: {imitating Hank Hill} I tell you what, Bobby. I sure love uploading useless files.
LIGHTNING GUY: HAHAHA THIS RIFF IS FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S A POP CULTURE REFERENCE
MR. CLOUD: Okay, I deserved that.

Don't be a communist 'cause you know that it's wrong
Oh, don't upload that pic

Don't take away MBs from disk space like it's free
How else can Super Sam afford to keep this great wiki

LIGHTNING GUY: That you just told us was equivalent to terrorism.

And the HR and HRF
These things don't grow on trees
So all I ask is, "Everybody everybody please..."

MR. CLOUD: Put me out of my misery.

Don't upload that pic (Don't do it, no, no)
Even Lars Ulrich knows it's sick (You can just ask him)

LIGHTNING GUY: Do you even know who Lars Ulrich is?
MR. CLOUD: I think I extorted him for money once.

Don't be a communist 'cause you know that it's wrong (It's really wrong)
Oh, don't upload that pic

Don't upload that pic (Oh please, don't you do it)
Or you might wind up banhammered really quick (Remember Jimbo)

LIGHTNING GUY: Who has nothing to do with this site.

Don't be a communist (Ever) 'cause you know that it's wrong (Don't ever do it)
Oh, don't upload that pic

Don't upload that pic (No, no, no, no, no, no)
You'll burn in hell from just a kick (And you'll deserve it)

MR. CLOUD: What kind of gravity-defying kick would someone have to give you to send you straight to hell?
LIGHTNING GUY: People take their pictures seriously.

Don't be a communist (Don't do it) 'cause you know that it's wrong (You stupid troll)
Oh, don't upload that pic

LIGHTNING GUY: Well, that song sucked. Hopefully, this next one will be

Fat N' Lazy

Set to the tune of "Ridin'" by Chamillionaire.

LIGHTNING GUY: Nope.

Lyrics

TEMPTERS: YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN GIANT! THAT MEANS EAT UP!

MR. CLOUD: I'm not feeling good about this one.

They see me chowin'
My garden

LIGHTNING GUY: How would a garden be appetizing to a fat person? Or any person for that matter?

I know they're all thinking
I'm so fat n' lazy

Think I'm just too fat n' lazy
Think I'm just too fat n' lazy
Can't you see I'm fat n' lazy
Look at me I'm fat n' lazy!
I wanna go with
The hot chicks

MR. CLOUD: "Go with". Is that implying something?
LIGHTNING GUY: Cloud! Get your mind out of the gutter! JCM probably hadn't even heard of sex when he wrote this!

But so far they all think
I'm too fat n' lazy
Think I'm just too fat n' lazy
Think I'm just too fat n' lazy
I'm just too fat n' lazy
Really, really fat n' lazy

Last in my class here at kindergarten
No skills, I'm a loser at being retarded

LIGHTNING GUY: Oh, yes. The obligatory offense towards disabled people. You never fail to disappoint.

Mr. Bed is my BFF, Daddy Mack

MR. CLOUD: What what?

Keep your cold one
I'll just have some Pepsi Throwback

LIGHTNING GUY: Is this product placement? In a written parody? What the?

My oven is hot enough to marry
You'll find they are extremely rare-y

MR. CLOUD: What's rare? Ovens or hot ovens? Either way, your oven fetish gives me the creeps.

All of my delicious meals are scary

LIGHTNING GUY: What are you eating? Frankenstein falafels? Dracula dumplings?

Doctors are watching my library

MR. CLOUD: Ooookay?

My wiki pages are never touched
I got people running from my own friends spaces

LIGHTNING GUY: Assuming there's enough space around you for friends to inhabit! 'Cause you're fat! Can somebody call a doctor? We've got a third degree burn in the house!
MR. CLOUD: The doctors are too busy watching his library, it seems.

Yo, I've had pie in all it's hundred flavors
Lost most my teeth cause I don't wear braces

MR. CLOUD: I'm sorry?

I order all sandwiches with/without mayonnaise
I suck at Pinball and any cereal maze
All of my sweets are gonna make me go real crazed
My mouth is movin' so fast, I think I'll talk for days

LIGHTNING GUY: That has everything to do with fatness and laziness.

There's no race that I have run
At last hour, well, I'm number none
Eat mints and cough drops just for fun
I ain't got a lock but a ball of dung

MR. CLOUD: Oh, God! That's disgusting!
LIGHTNING GUY: Somebody needs to quarantine this fool.

I know every single theme song
No matter how flip short or how flop long

LIGHTNING GUY: Beep putting random words in my bop sentences.

I'll chomp any kind of food that you bring on
I'd beat up Godzilla and King Kong

GODZILLA: Is that a challenge?
KING KONG: I can't wait to rip this mofo to shreds.

Here's the part I sing on

They see me roll on the subway
I know in my heart they think I'm fat n' lazy
Think I'm just too fat n' lazy
Think I'm just too fat n' lazy
Can't you see I'm fat n' lazy
Look at me I'm fat n' lazy
I wanna go with
The hot chicks
Although it's apparent I'm too fat n' lazy
Think I'm just too fat n' lazy
I'm just too fat n' lazy
How'd I get so fat n' lazy?

I've been snoozing, ingestin'
All those comics you know I collect 'em

LIGHTNING GUY: He didn't even bother to change that line.

The bags full of chocolate
I must protect 'em
My big kitchen table never leaves me bored
Shopping online for deals on some sunflower seeds

MR. CLOUD: Because nothing satisfies a man with insatiable hunger more than sunflower seeds!

I look for all my cheesy needs
I sleep for 12 hours a day
I'd rather lose my tongue than go outside and play.

LIGHTNING GUY: I don't think anybody would be sad if you lost your tongue.

I got a business doing taste tests
When my friends need some food who do they call?

MR. CLOUD: Not you, because you're a fat, greedy bastard!

I won't give a bite to any or all
Not even my stupid, whiny dog!

LIGHTNING GUY: Yeah, screw dogs for wanting to eat!

Yo! Got myself a calorie pack
They were having a sale down at Wal-Mart

MR. CLOUD: Buy your empty calories! Buy your empty calories today!

Spend my nights with some candy hearts
MUNCH MUNCH! Hope no one sees me gettin' sneaky!

I'm lazy in the extreme and fatter than TV dads seem

LIGHTNING GUY: It seems today that all you see...

I'm not in any school clubs or even the football team!
The first question that was easy for me
Was do I like Kool-Aid or do I like Black tea?

MR. CLOUD: Hello there to you too, hidden text.

I spend my every weekend
At all-you-can-eat
I own a wagon for all my meat

LIGHTNING GUY: A wagon for all your meat. That...that's something.
MR. CLOUD: I don't know whether to laugh or vomit right now.

They see me strollin'
They laughin'
And rollin' their eyes 'cause
I'm so fat n' lazy
Just because I'm fat n' lazy
Just because I'm fat n' lazy
All because I'm fat n' lazy
Holy cow I'm fat n' lazy
I wanna sew with

MR. CLOUD: Sew with? What?
LIGHTNING GUY: Yeah, it's obvious he's out of ideas at this point.

The hot chicks
But oh well it's obvious I'm fat n' lazy
Think I'm just too fat n' lazy
Think I'm just too fat n' lazy
I'm just too fat n' lazy
Look at me I'm fat n' lazy!

LIGHTNING GUY: That was about five stanzas longer than it needed to be.
MR. CLOUD: Yeah, we're two songs in, and I'm already wiped out.

Well

Set to the tune of "Lump" by Presidents of the United States.

Lyrics

Well's from the Pokemopolis forums

LIGHTNING GUY: Thank you for the history lesson.

His name is Awesome, and possibly the one
He is really strange, like aluminum sea boats

MR. CLOUD: And these lyrics.

He knew he'd never be like any other emotes
He's Well, he's Well
He's just a head
He's Well, he's Well, he's Well
Is he on meds?

LIGHTNING GUY: No, but you really should be.

Well was a small celebrity
He soon came to be a crappy internet meme
He's something awful, that's for sure

MR. CLOUD: He's doing the best he can, man!

The mass madness he causes will never have a cure

He's Well, he's Well
He's kinda round

LIGHTNING GUY: As opposed to you, who's kind of a square.

He's Well, he's Well, he's Well
What have we found?

Smile... smile... smile, smile, now Awesome
Smile... smile... smile in your face now
Smile... smile... smile, smile, now Awesome
Smile... look!

Well's alter egos circulated in tens
He spends most of the day looking for real friends

MR. CLOUD: Is this song just an excuse for you to be a douchebag for no reason?

He never lies or cheats, but he steals
Each time you click him he gets 20 meals

LIGHTNING GUY: HOW DARE WE FEED HIM!

He's Well, he's Well
He's really bright
He's Well, he's Well, he's Well
Is he all right?

MR. CLOUD: No he isn't, because you bwoke his heawt.

Is this Well a hint of red?
I think so
Will this Well never be wed?
I think so

LIGHTNING GUY: So what? The bachelor lifestyle is the best, anyway.

Did this Well gain lots of cred?
I think so
And that's all I'm gonna say about that

MR. CLOUD:

Worst Night Ever

Set to the same tune as "Best Day Ever" by SpongeBob SquarePants.

LIGHTNING GUY: Yes, the actual SpongeBob sang that.
MR. CLOUD: Ah, to be innocent and stupid.

Lyrics

Mr. Moon came out and he laughed at me. Said it's gonna suck tonight, just wait and see!
Crawled out of bed and I tried to hide, feeling so extra dang horrified!

LIGHTNING GUY: Golly gosh dang it!

It's the worst night ever! (worst night ever)
It's the worst night ever! (worst night ever)

I'm so sleepy, but heard something new. Spent the last five hours here, I need to poo.

MR. CLOUD: I'm out.

Every hour, every stupid Dan,

LIGHTNING GUY: Who's Dan?

attempts to pull me out by hand.

It's the worst night ever! (worst night ever)
It's the worst night ever! (worst night ever)

This time scary big things start coming in on me, I'm here upside down, I'm gonna lose my frown, then they throw me out the window without a sound.

LIGHTNING GUY: Well, this got dark fast.

Those stars above me just disappear, it's crazy what's happening, and now I can't hear...
Soon Mrs. Sun will be shining gay so the worst night ever will last all day.
No, the worst night ever's gonna last all day now.

It's the worst night ever! (worst night ever)
It's the worst night ever! (worst night ever)
It's the worst night ever! (worst night ever)
It's the worst night ever! (worst night ever)
(worst night ever)

MR. CLOUD: That was mercifully short.
LIGHTNING GUY: Yeah, but look what's coming.
MR. CLOUD: Oh, God.

Always Gonna Give You Up

Set to the tune of "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley.

MR. CLOUD: WHYYY

Lyrics

We're no strangers to hate
You screwed the rules just cause you had money

MR. CLOUD: Oh, is this song about me?

I think it's now time to retaliate
You'll wish that you never messed with Rick, honey

LIGHTNING GUY: Mmm-hmm! You go, girl!

And if you ask me what I'm doing
When will you just understand?

Always gonna give you up
Always gonna let you down
Always gonna run around and desert you
Always gonna make you cry
Always gonna say goodbye
Always gonna tell a lie to hurt you

MR. CLOUD: Talk about lazy writing.

We've know each other for too long
Your fart's been leaking

LIGHTNING GUY: WHYYY
MR. CLOUD: Now you know how I feel.

But you're too shy to say it
Inside we both know what's been going on

LIGHTNING GUY: We did not need to know what was "going on" inside her.

We've done the game so don't try to play it

And if you ask me what I'm doing
When will you just understand?

Always gonna give you up
Always gonna let you down
Always gonna run around and desert you
Always gonna make you cry
Always gonna say goodbye
Always gonna tell a lie and hurt you

MR. CLOUD: Yes, we get it! You're an asshole! Can you end this now?

Always gonna give you up

MR. CLOUD: I'll take that as a "no".

Always gonna let you down
Always gonna run around and desert you
Always gonna make you cry
Always gonna say goodbye
Always gonna tell a lie and hurt you

(give you up), (give you up)
Always gonna give, always gonna give (give you up)
Always gonna give, always gonna give

LIGHTNING GUY: Shu-ut up.

(give you up)

We've know each other for too long
Your fart's been leaking
But you're too shy to say it
Inside we both know what's been going on
We've done the game so don't try to play it

I just wanna tell you what I'm doing
Gotta make you understand

Always gonna give you up
Always gonna let you down
Always gonna run around and desert you
Always gonna make you cry
Always gonna say goodbye
Always gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Always gonna give you up
Always gonna let you down
Always gonna run around and desert you
Always gonna make you cry
Always gonna say goodbye
Always gonna tell a lie and hurt you

MR. CLOUD: Is it finally over?

Always gonna give you up

MR. CLOUD: AUGH

Always gonna let you down
Always gonna run around and desert you
Always gonna make you cry
Always gonna say goodbye
Always gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Sinny Lane

Set to the tune of "Penny Lane" by The Beatles.

LIGHTNING GUY: Is "sinny" even a word?
MR. CLOUD: According to Urban Dictionary, "sinny" is a verb that means to put out a joint.
LIGHTNING GUY: So this Sinny Lane must be in Colorado.

Lyrics

In Sinny Lane there's an assassin showing all his plaques
With every head he's had the pleasure to have sliced,

MR. CLOUD: It's an underappreciated art form.

And the people that have paid the price,
Hops over us twice.

LIGHTNING GUY: But they're...dead. What the fuck?

On the corner is a salesman with a purse-suitcase,
The little children laugh at him behind his back.
And the salesman steals all of their Macs

MR. CLOUD: NOT THE MAAACS

In the pouring rain, they all hang.

LIGHTNING GUY: The children or the Macs?
MR. CLOUD: Please be the Macs. Please be the Macs.
LIGHTNING GUY: Someone's not an Apple fanboy.

Sinny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes.
There beneath the dark and gloomy skies
I sit, and meanwhile back
In Sinny Lane there is a minister with an hourglass
And in his pocket is a portrait of the scene.
He likes to keep his big figure mean.
He's a mean machine.

LIGHTNING GUY: A mean green bean-eating machine!
MR. CLOUD: What?
LIGHTNING GUY: Hey, I can write word salads, too!

Sinny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes.
I lost my fish and finger pies

MR. CLOUD: NOT THE FISH AND FINGER PIIIES

In summer, meanwhile back
Behind the shelter in the middle of the roundabout
An evil nurse is selling puppies from a tray

LIGHTNING GUY: And they were delicious!

And she made sure that all the owners lay
She is really gray.

MR. CLOUD: Her too? She and I should get together some time!

In Sinny Lane the assassin mounts up another head,
And the salesman rubs his neck as he walks by.
And then the minister sanctifies.

LIGHTNING GUY: Why is there a minister in a place call "Sinny Lane", anyway?
MR. CLOUD: Hey, ministers gotta get high sometimes, too. Takes the edge off.

In the pouring rain, we all sang:

Sinny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes.
There beneath the dark and gloomy skies
> I sit, and meanwhile back.
Sinny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes.
There beneath the dark and gloomy skies
Sinny Lane.

MR. CLOUD: That actually wasn't too bad. At least it wasn't Always-Gonna-Give-You-Up bad.
LIGHTNING GUY: And best of all, it was short.

Stop Before You Get Too Much

Set to the tune of "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" by Michael Jackson.

Lyrics

Hateful is the feelin' now
Fevers, temperatures goin' down

MR. CLOUD: Don't temperatures usually go up with fevers?

Power (ah power) is the force, the pow
That makes it happen, please ask no questions why (oh)
So get farther (farther now) from my body now
Just hate me 'til you don't know how (oh)

LIGHTNING GUY: Don't worry. I'll always know how to hate you.

Away from the force now stop
Stop before you get too much

MR. CLOUD: No.

Away from the force now stop
Stop before you get too much
Away from the force now stop
Stop before you get too much
Away from the force now stop
Stop before you get too much

Touch me and I'll be on fire

LIGHTNING GUY: I see that you're dating Flame Princess.

Ain't nothin' like a hate desire (oh)

MR. CLOUD: Is that even a real thing, or are you just putting random words together again?

I'm freezing (I'm freezing) like Antarctica
A nation (oh a nation) stupid where we're at (oh)

LIGHTNING GUY: Surprisingly insightful political commentary there.

So let hate take us through the months
I won't be complanin' 'cause this is tasty lunch (oh)

MR. CLOUD: This is why you shouldn't eat and write parodies at the same time, kids.

Away from the force now stop
Stop before you get too much
Away from the force now stop
Stop before you get too much
Away from the force now stop
Stop before you get too much
Away from the force now stop
Stop before you get too much
(Oh)

Heartbreak does not describe Hell

LIGHTNING GUY: I'm pretty sure that Heartbreak is the tenth circle of Dante's Inferno.

Eternal (ah eternal) hate shines in my health (oh)
So let hate take us through the months
I won't be complanin' (no no)
'Cause your hate is ok, ok

MR. CLOUD: Just okay hate? I wanted great hate!

Away from the force now stop
Stop before you get too much
Away from the force now stop
Stop before you get too much
Away from the force now stop
Stop before you get too much
Away from the force now stop
Stop before you get too much

Away from the force now stop
Stop before you get too much
Away from the force now stop
Stop before you get too much
Away from the force now stop
Stop before you get too much
Away from the force now stop
Stop before you get too much

Hateful is the feeling now
I won't be complanin' (oh oh)
The force is crazy love

Away from the force now stop
Stop before you get too much
Away from the force now stop
Stop before you get too much
Away from the force now stop
Stop before you get too much
Away from the force now stop
Stop before you get too much

Away from the force now stop
Stop before you get too much
Away from the force now stop
Stop before you get too much
Away from the force now stop
Stop before you get too much
Away from the force now stop
Stop before you get too much

Away from the force now stop
Stop before you get too much
Away from the force now stop
Stop before you get too much
Away from the force now stop
Stop before you get too much
Away from the force now stop
Stop before you get too much

Whiny Crappy People

Set to the tune of "Shiny Happy People" by R.E.M..

LIGHTNING GUY: Whiny Crappy People a.k.a JCM's theme song.

Lyrics

Whiny crappy people crying
See you in Moscow

MR. CLOUD: Stay out of Moscow! We don't want Putin to wage war on us!

People, people
Hope that y'all get wound-ed

LIGHTNING GUY: Really? It already was a crappy rhyme. That add-on just made it crappier.

Hate you, hate you
Please get out of town

MR. CLOUD: Just not to Moscow!

Crappy, crappy
Head into the ground
Where the tree roots grow
Sucking up to time

LIGHTNING GUY: But Time hands out the best treats!

Whiny crappy people from the land
Whiny crappy people on the sand
Whiny crappy people crying

Everyone around hates them, hates them

MR. CLOUD: But not as much as they hate you.

Take them off our hands
Take them, take them
There's no time to cry
Crappy, crappy
Do it from your heart
Or they will be mine

LIGHTNING GUY: But I thought you didn't want them.

And I won't be kind

Whiny crappy people from the sand
Whiny crappy people on the sand
Whiny crappy people crying

Hey, here you go

MR. CLOUD: Don't want it.

Whiny crappy people from the sand
Whiny crappy people on the sand
Whiny crappy people crying
Whiny crappy people from the sand
Whiny crappy people on the sand
Whiny crappy people crying
Whiny crappy people from the sand
Whiny crappy people on the sand
Whiny crappy people crying

You're My Rival

Set to the tune of "You're my Best Friend" by Tim McGraw.

LIGHTNING GUY: The Homestar Runner Has Something Stuck in His McGraw.

Lyrics

I've always had someone...that I could count on.
Never been left down in my life.

MR. CLOUD: You've have a pretty awesome life. Can I buy it from you?

I have never been hurtin'...never needed searchin'.
'Til you crawled into my life.
It was a feelin'...I'd never known.
And for the first time...I had to pick a bone.

You're more than a hater.

LIGHTNING GUY: You're a h8er.

There could never been one greater...
To make me feel the way you do.
Oh...we are just tight-lipped.
I clench in hate with my fists...everytime I look at you.

MR. CLOUD: The comedy is coming like bullets!

Anywhere I'd rather be than with you here with me.
Life with you makes no darn sense.
You're my rival.
You're my rival...oh no.

LIGHTNING GUY: "Oh no," he said as he learned that there were four more stanzas left.

You're against me...and you never hear me.
Like nobody ever did.
When my world goes crazy...
You're there to laugh at me.
You make me see how much I want.

MR. CLOUD: Want what? A cure to your masochistic tendencies? I'll give it to you for $100.

And I still tremble...when you cough.
And...ugh the look in your eyes when I eat lunch.

LIGHTNING GUY: What's with this guy and lunch?

You're more than a hater.
There could never been one greater...
To make me feel the way you do.
Oh...we are just tight-lipped.
I clench in hate with my fists...everytime I look at you.
Anywhere I'd rather be than with you here with me.
Life with you makes no darn sense.
You're my rival.
You're my rival...oh no.

You're more than a hater.
There could never been one greater...
To make me feel the way you do.
Oh...we are just losers.
I clench in hate with my fists...everytime I look at you.
Anywhere I'd rather be than with you here with me.
Life with you makes no darn sense.
You're my rival.

You're my rival (my rival)
You're my rival (my rival)

MR. CLOUD: That was really stupid (really stupid)

What a Horrible World

Set to the tune of "What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong.

Lyrics

I see weeds of green, pink roses, too
And then they grow to annoy you

LIGHTNING GUY: Just like the writer!

And I think to myself what a horrible world.

I see skies of black and clouds of gray
The dark cursed day, the dark cursed day
And I think to myself

MR. CLOUD: "What an emo"

what a horrible world.

The tapping of all the rain so crazy on the roof
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see ladies slapping men asking what can they do

LIGHTNING GUY: And the men show them several times over as they screw.

Inside they're saying I hate you.

I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They'll cry much more than I'll ever know
And I think to myself what a horrible world
Yes I think to myself what a horrible world.

MR. CLOUD: Now that that's brightened up my day...

I'm So Exhausted

Set to the tune of "I'm So Excited" by The Pointer Sisters.

Lyrics

Tonight's the night I'm gonna have it happen
Tonight I'll put all other things aside
Get out this time and just do all the washin
I'm going for the bed pleasures this night

LIGHTNING GUY: Ooh, bed pleasures! I'm listening.

I want to sleep, you fool, you

LIGHTNING GUY: Oh yeah, sleep. That's totally what I was thinking.

Gonna have some dreams, you
I want to snooze, you. Screw you

MR. CLOUD: Well, screw you too, lady.

I want to get enough
And time won't go so slow
To bed I'll go!

LIGHTNING GUY: Like pretentious Harvard kids I'll speak!

I'm so exhausted and you just can't watch it
I'm going to lose control and you'll know I lost it
I'm so exhausted and you just can't watch it
And I know, I know, I know, I know

MR. CLOUD: Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? Who cares?

I know I want to

I will have to think about tomorrow
The memories will last for not so long
I'll have a good time, baby
Don't you worry
And if I'm still snorin around boy

LIGHTNING GUY: How does one "snore around"? It sounds like something you would do in a Dr. Seuss book.

That's just fine
I get exhausted, ooh
You just can't watch it, no, no, no
I'm going to lose control and you'll know I lost it

I'm so exhausted and you just can't watch it, no, no
I know, I know, I know, I know
I know I want to, I want to

Oh boy, I'm gonna hate you

MR. CLOUD: For what? Watching that unspecified "it"?

Fooled you. Gonna have some dreams, you
I want to snooze, you. Screw you
No, I want to get enough
And time won't go so slow
To bed I'll go!

I'm so exhausted, oooh-weee

LIGHTNING GUY: Kill meee.

You just can't watch it
Oooh, I'm going to lose control
And you'll know I lost it, oh, yeah
I'm so exhausted
And you just can't watch it, no, no, no, no, no

MR. CLOUD: Alright, I won't watch it! Just quit it with the repetition!

I know, I know, I know, I know
I know I want to
Want to

MR. CLOUD: Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Look what you did to me
I'm right here sweating up

LIGHTNING GUY: Oh, so this is about sex?

Oh
Why don't you work for me
You've got to give it up

LIGHTNING GUY: My virginity?

Oh
Baby, I'm so exhausted
(What you did to me)
You just can't watch it

MR. CLOUD: I already said I wouldn't watch it!

(I'm right here sweating up)
I'm going to lose control
And you'll know I lost it, yeah
I'm so exhausted
(Why don't you work for me)

LIGHTNING GUY: Sorry, I already have one job I hate. I'm not taking up another.

I can't deny, no, no
(You've got to give it up) I know, I know, I know, I know I want to.
I'm so exhausted
(What you did to me)
You just can't watch it
(I'm right here sweating up)
I'm going to lose control
And you'll know I lost it, yeah
I'm so exhausted
(Why don't you work for me)
I can't deny, no, no
(You've got to give it up) I know, I know, I know, I know I want to.
I'm so exhausted
(What you did to me)
You just can't watch it
(I'm right here sweating up)
I'm going to lose control
And you'll know I lost it, yeah
I'm so exhausted
(Why don't you work for me)
I can't deny, no, no
(You've got to give it up) I know, I know, I know, I know I want to.

MR. CLOUD: What is it she wanted to do again?
LIGHTNING GUY: Hell if I know.

Twitter

Set to the tune of "Thriller" by Michael Jackson.

Lyrics

You've tweeted all night and then followed a bunch of question marks
It is a website that you have been on every day since March
You have to scream when you get to the hundred forty limit
And every scene of your life has gone down unrestricted
You're addicted

'Cause this is Twitter, Twitter Lite
And no one's gonna save you from the thing we all dislike
You know it's Twitter, Twitter Lite
You'll never have a life thanks to this fitter Twitter tonight

You have a MySpace, a Facebook, don't forget your LinkedIn
You are a nutcase in the eyes of your family and friends
You will get fired if you don't get your face out of your cell phone
And you will cry and end up tweeting it on the way home
Future unknown

'Cause this is Twitter, Twitter Lite
You're caught into a trance and it is one you cannot fight, no
Twitter, Twitter Lite
You'll never have a life thanks to this fitter Twitter tonight

When you are eating, you detail every aspect of your meal
When you watch TV, not one spoiler will be concealed
(It's all revealed)
This obsession is surreal

You see a whale fail; you F5 quicker than a speeding car
On a Twitter scale, your amount of usage is just bizarre
Now is the time for you to get a lot of therapy, now
Although the trial won't get you close enough to being free
You have to see

That this is Twitter, Twitter Lite
You know you'll tweet this the second that I am out of sight
Twitter, Twitter Lite
Forget all that is right and share a
Fitter Twitter, whatever here tonight

'Cause this is Twitter, Twitter Lite
You know you'll tweet this the second that I am out of sight
Twitter, Twitter Lite
Forget all that is right and share a fitter Twitter, ow!

Average Day

Set to the tune of "Toes" by Zac Brown Band.

Lyrics

My cup of joe's on the table, paper in hand
Though I'm not really reading, don't it make me look grand?
Just an average day. Just an average day.
Well, I had to leave for work at 8 o'clock
Made sure to kiss my wife goodbye
So she wouldn't suspect that I left her
For someone better on the eyes
My office job's so boring I could sob like the spoiled brat I am
Though I'm not a recaller
I could have been a lawyer
If I had an attention span

My computer's on the table, mouse in my hand
The boss logs everything, so I'm under his command
Just an average day. Just an average day.

Hola usted zapatos grandes
I say "welcome from Spain"
But the Spanish-fluent workers and all the random lurkers
Give me a real dirty face
Hola usted zapatos grandes
When I get out of here
Gonna take myself a nap and forget all the crap
That ever happened this year

The hours flew by like a drunk bald eagle, meaning that it was pretty fast
I'm at the door, as my time is no more
At the car, I step on the gas
But it doesn't start because it's not on
"Not again," I say with the key
And the cars next to me laugh before taking off and now I've put it in, I guarantee

Cellular phone's in my shoulder, wheel in my hand
In a few more miles I will be in the promised land
Just an average day. Just an average day.

*nine car horn honks*
Says the car behind me
I think it was important since the man flipped me off when I said I was busy
*nine car horn honks*
He sounds really annoyed
I probably should speed her and take the call later
The road's so hard to enjoy

Hola usted zapatos grandes
Thank God that I'm back home
Oh no, the children are back from school with my wife, how cruel
Now the whole family's here
Hola usted zapatos grandes
I sure can't wait for work

I'm just gonna drink my cup of joe
And put my head in the paper
Wait for my wife
And think about what I did to deserve this looping life
Just an average day. Just an average day.

D.M.C.A.

Set to the tune of "Y.M.C.A." by Village People.

Lyrics

Young man, why the frown on your face?
I said, young man, looking like a disgrace
I said, young man, you are in a new place
So don't be so rotten sappy

Young man, the internet's for all
I said, young man, when you can't afford Brawl
Just download it, and keep downloading more
'Till your eyes fall on the floor

We're violating the D.M.C.A.
We're violating the D.M.C.A.
There are mp3s, e-books, and videos
Pirate copies of Vegas Pro

We're violating the D.M.C.A.
We're violating the D.M.C.A.
You can do what you want, get whatever you please
Shareware patches or even keys

Young man, you'll find this stuff online
I said, young man, and you won't (probably) pay a fine
I said, young man, what are you waiting for?
You've got a big land to explore

You can come right out that shell
I said, young man, don't contemplate your cell
If you breach it, yeah the D.M.C.A.
You'll be dumbfound by the array

We're violating the D.M.C.A.
We're violating the D.M.C.A.
There are mp3s, e-books, and videos
Pirate copies of Vegas Pro

We're violating the D.M.C.A.
We're violating the D.M.C.A.
You can do what you want, get whatever you please
Shareware patches or even keys

I once was a sissy like you
I said, I once feared the law like its Jew
I thought nothing could to be worth it to break
That it would all be a mistake

Someone finally understood
And said, young man, come back down to the 'hood
There's a law here called the D.M.C.A.
It will show you what to "obey"

We're violating the D.M.C.A.
We're violating the D.M.C.A.
There are mp3s, e-books, and videos
Pirate copies of Vegas Pro

D.M.C.A.
We're violating the D.M.C.A.
Young man, young man, get that frown off your face
Young man, young man, you are not a disgrace

D.M.C.A.
Violating the D.M.C.A.
Young man, young man, a sissy don't be you
Young man, young man, you are not the law's Jew
D.M.C.A.

Rabies

Set to the tune of "Baby" by Justin Bieber.

Lyrics

A hog just bit me
It really hurts
I'm going to have
To stay alert
It could be small
It could be big
And I could really maybe turn into a pig

You say that's silly
That I am just fine
How do you know
I won't be a swine?
Please face the facts
You cannot avoid it
Before you know I'll be eating my own...yeah

I tell you, it's
Rabies, rabies, rabies, oh
It's
Rabies, rabies, rabies, no
It's
Rabies, rabies, rabies, oh
Please, doc, tell me it ain't so (so)

Rabies, rabies, rabies, oh
It's
Rabies, rabies, rabies, no
It's
Rabies, rabies, rabies, oh
Please, doc, tell me it ain't so (so)

You tell me
That it isn't so, up straight
Don't have to go on eHamony for a sow-mate
Don't treat me like I'm well
I'll write the note myself
It's worth a week of school
Or forty weeks of school

And I'm going mad
Rabies does that
Don't be surprised if my pink eyes begin to scat
I'm gonna squeal, squeal
Squeal
Squeal
It's coming soon, I promise, this I can really feel

It's the
Rabies, rabies, rabies, oh
Yeah
Rabies, rabies, rabies, no
It's
Rabies, rabies, rabies, oh
Please, doc, tell me it ain't so (so)

Rabies, rabies, rabies, oh
Got
Rabies, rabies, rabies, no
It's
Rabies, rabies, rabies, oh
Please, doc, tell me it ain't so (so)

BLACK DUDE
When I was like three, I had my first cold
There was no disease that ever made me sneeze
Or make anything I'm saying understandable
It had me goin' crazy
Oh, I was effed up
It woke me up daily
What's two girls one cup?
Oh right, this rap thing
I drank orange juice and that disgusting red goop and
There wasn't any drink
That could stop the flow of my nose's poopin'
I had an immune system,
That did the work of six men,
But I haven't been cured yet
So it's like rabies I guess...

Rabies, rabies, rabies, oh
Like
Rabies, rabies, rabies, no
He said
Rabies, rabies, rabies, oh
Please, doc, tell me it ain't so (so)

Rabies, rabies, rabies, oh
Dang
Rabies, rabies, rabies, no
Them
Rabies, rabies, rabies, oh
Please, doc, tell me it ain't so (so)

Where did you go?
Far away, far away
Where did you go?
Far away, far away
Where did you go?
Far away, far away
Where did you go?
Away, away, away
You're gone

Originals

Rap

Copyright JCM Productions.

Lyrics

What's up, everyone? I got a story to tell.
About a whiny little brat lurking on his Dell.
He said that people like me were doing wrong.
And he expressed his thoughts on this somehow decent song.

Rap is just crap with a silent "c".
With Retards Attempting Poetry.
And please don't call me stupid for having an opinion.
I will continue to say it until my days are done.

Rap is just crap with a silent "c".
Just Retards Attempting Poetry.
You say my days are numbered? And sleep with one eye open?
You won't scare me. You don't scare me. So, listen to me, friend!

Oh yeah!

Rap is just crap with a silent "c".
Those Retards Attempting Poetry.
Think that I don't know that it's just a lack of common sense.
So remember that one person can make a difference.

So remember the moral of this story.
Other people can make up these songs for me
I know it's hypocrisy but
I do not give a flying

Censorship

Copyright JCM Productions.

Lyrics

I was watching a premium channel
Like Starz, Showtime, and HBO
When someone said a word that put me in a permanent shock

I was forced to undergo extensive therapy
And I had to set fire to my flat screen TV
The same can happen to your children without parental locks

So come on down and get our censorship
In the USA, it's what they call "hip"
A family safe environment will finally be in your grip

If you want more, get our extended pack
Internet, music, and books will get the whack
If you don't believe us, look at our 12,700 plaques

Any kind of violence has no place with us
We'll make sure to filter cusses and swears like "shut up"
Inappropriate behavior will disintegrate to dust

So come on down and get our censorship
And minors won't get past our walls without a permit
Just give us a call for minds never being ripped
(Apart like our hate mail)

JCM Productions
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