RiffText/MFT3K/Zarel Emails/8

Zarel E-Mail #8

Zarel is asked what kind of The Cheat he would have.

NACHOMAN: kick the cheat :3 ;-;

Cast (in order of appearance): Zarel, The Cheat, Zarel-Cheat,

NACHOMAN: no thanks

NOXIGAR: How about you deal with it?

Old Cheat, The Haxx, Strong Bad, King of Town

Places: Zarel's House, Blue Showscreen

Transcript

{Cut to Zarel's Room}

ZAREL: {singing} I'm Zarel, I'm the best, and I've come to check email...I'll sit and never run, stay until- {stops} Okay, forget it.

BLUEBRY: wish i could

subj: cheez

BLUEBRY: {GROAN}
NACHOMAN: monkey cheese fartz

NOXIGAR: Monkey cheese fartz? Uh, NachoMan, how much weed did you smoke before writing that? I don't care if this is a riffing joke, you don't put those words- what?

Zarel,
If you could have a the cheat, what would he or she look like? Not the Cheat

ZAREL: {typing} If I could have a The Cheat...Hm. This is a tough decision... This decision requires visual planning!

SKUB: "It's too bad my imagination broke!"
NACHOMAN: "My therapist said I should write out my thoughts before I tell them to people"

NOXIGAR: Well, NachoMan, you should listen to your therapist. Wait, what? Oh, shit. I'll take the rapist for 200.

Ooooh...Blue Showscreeeeen?

{Cut to the Blue Showscreen}

ZAREL: {voiceover} Alright, so here is a the Cheat.

{The Cheat appears onscreen}

THE CHEAT: Meh!

SKUB: Alright, paint it blue and call it a day. Email over!

ZAREL: {voiceover} Now...hm...I guess I'd like to have this The Cheat of mine to have my features...just so people know it's mine.

BLUEBRY: or you could use a collar
NACHOMAN: I would say cut its head off but I'm not sure how that would work with a The Cheat...

NOXIGAR: The simple, and correct answer, is that decapitation doesn't work with a TheCheat.

{The Cheat morphs into a more Zarel-looking The Cheat, gaining Zarel's eyes, nose, wings, horns, and tail.}

BLUEBRY: all easily detachable
NACHOMAN: there goes my favorite character

ZAREL: {voiceover} Wait...no. That's just too cliche of an idea.

SKUB: Par for the course, am I right?

NOXIGAR: I don't get what your analogy has to do with Zarel's statement.

Redo!

{Zarel Cheat's head explodes}

BLUEBRY: w-wh
SKUB: HOTTTTT
NACHOMAN: actually bluebry if you read the hrwiki more often you would know instances of the cheat's head exploding are fairly common and have occurred in many toons such as the house that gave sucky treats and the other one

NOXIGAR: Nice, NachoMan! Emulating a little bit of Joel, I see. At least I think it would sound like something Joel would say...

ZAREL-CHEAT: MEEEEH!

{Zarel Cheat fades out, another The Cheat drops in}

ZAREL: {voiceover} Okay, so...I guess I'll have to pick my Cheat's color. Hm...I think I'd like a gray-haired one...

BLUEBRY: to match your creativity

{The Cheat's hair turns gray, The Cheat hunches over and is standing up with a cane}

THE CHEAT: Meeeeeh...

SKUB: "KILL MEEEEEEE"

ZAREL: {voiceover} No no no...I asked for gray fur, not an old The Cheat who's fur is graying!

SKUB: HAHAHA, DO YOU GET IT?!

Redo!

{The old Cheat poofs into dust, a new The Cheat drops down}

ZAREL: {voiceover} Okay, so gray fur. Like...metal gray.

BLUEBRY: BRING THE METAL \MMMMMMMMMM/

NOXIGAR: Um
Yes? I think this is a joke?

{The Cheat onscreen turns gray and shiny}

SKUB: So, metal, then

NOXIGAR: And heavy.

THE CHEAT: Meh?

ZAREL: Hm...I just got this good idea. Let's just say my Cheat was a machine and you could stomp on his...foot...pad...to open his mouth...

SKUB: Oh, the places you could go!!!

{Cut to The Field, Strong Bad and Zarel's The Cheat are standing there, Strong Bad is holding a can of Melonade}

ZAREL: {voiceover} ...and use him as a trash compactor?

{Strong Bad stomps on the gray Cheat's footpad. The gray Cheat opens its mouth and Strong Bad tosses the can in it. The gray Cheat closes his mouth, makes some rumbling Cheat noises and then grins, making a Cheat noise sounding like "ding"}

SKUB: So is this "vore" or what
NACHOMAN: "now eat these live foxes the cheat"

NOXIGAR: No, the Cheat's just eating a can of Melonade I don't get what-

{Noxigar laughs at NachoMan's statement.}
NOXIGAR: Now I know Zarel's not trying to write about vore.

{Noxigar continues laughing}

STRONG BAD: Look where technology's got us now! {thumbs up}

ZAREL: {voiceover} Oh! And maybe if he detects an idiot...

BLUEBRY: so if i were you i wouldn't come close to it

NOXIGAR: You don't even know what he's going say next.

{Cut to The Stick, Zarel's Cheat stands there looking around, The King of Town walks by}

KING OF TOWN: Doohoohoohoo...

SKUB: Wh-why is he here? What's going to happen?
NACHOMAN: The king of town isn't dumb he's just senile!

ZAREL: {voiceover} He could give him the proper beating!

{Zarel's Cheat opens its mouth and a robotic arm holding a rolling pin pops out, Zarel's Cheat starts beaing

BLUEBRY: beating

the King with it}

KING OF TOWN: Oof! Ooh! Naughty little animal! I'll...Oof!

SKUB: POLICE BRUTALITY, RODNEY IS INNOCENT
NACHOMAN: why does he want old people to fade into dust and be beaten so badly

{Cut back to the Cappy}

ZAREL: {typing} And as for a name...hm...I've got one! The Haxx!

BLUEBRY: "this is gonna be soooooo 1-3-3-7"
NACHOMAN: I'm totally "rofl"ing right now

NOXIGAR: Well, erm, it's not funny but at the same time Bluebry's context makes sense for once

{a fanfare is heard} It's a wonderful name for a little guy like him...I should probably go see if The Blacksmith needs anything else...

THE CHEAT: {offscreen} MEEEEEEEEEEEEH!

{Zarel gets beaned with the Cheat's old Tangerine Dreams computer monitor, knocking his upper half off his waist}

BLUEBRY: eughghqw
SKUB: hottttt
NACHOMAN: that's it {the sound of a door slamming is heard}

NOXIGAR: So wait what's overall reaction of the Hive Mind? Is this gross, a turn-on, or does-Dr. Brainfreeze-have-to-kill-NachoMan?

ZAREL: OOWWW! {zoom out, Zarel's torso is propped on his legs} The Cheat...what'd you do that for!? And how did you get in here?

BLUEBRY: dude: hide-a-key rocks don't work when everyone has one

THE CHEAT: Meh meh meh mehdly meeeeeeeh!

ZAREL: "There can be only one..." What?

BLUEBRY: this is like when bad movies try to be deep

NOXIGAR: Pretty much every M. Night Shamalan movie tries to be deep. And pretty much all of them suck.
NOXIGAR: For the layman, I agree with Bluebry's sentiment.

{The Cheat facepalms and takes the computer with him}

{The Paper

SKUB: witnessed the carnage firsthand. He knew what went down. He wanted to tell somebody, but... he couldn't. Zarel cut him once, and he knew he would cut him again. He kept silent for the time being... but when he got enough to move out, he would tell. He would tell all.

NOXIGAR: DAMN, SKULLBUGGY! YOU SHOULD WRITE SOMETHING SERIOUS! And publish it. You actually could pull it off...

}

Fun Facts

• The email opener is a take on the refrain of Wormsong, a song in most of the Worms series games.
• Zarel mentioning The Blacksmith refers back to robot, where the King of Town got The Blacksmith to make Wind-Up Zarel.
• The Cheat's line before Zarel gets hit with the Tangerine Dreams would translate to "HAAAAAAAAAAAAX!" which is a reference to The G-Mod Idiot Box, in which Dr. Breen from Half-Life (or Dr. Haxx) would point, scream "HAAAAAAAX!" and then proceed to toss a computer monitor at the hacker, mainly Chuckles the Cheat. Clip from GIB

BLUEBRY: wha
SKUB: I LOVE G-MOD!!!

NOXIGAR: I, on the other hand, don't like G-Mod.

• "There can be only one" is the reference to The Highlander.