(even if you aren't vegan)
STORY FOR YOUS
It all started when our (former porn) star, Random Man, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the eighth time it had happened. Feeling abundantly frustrated, Random Man punched a dull pencil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, he realized that his beloved computer was missing! Immediately he called his lover, Lackey Boy. Random Man had known Lackey Boy for (plus or minus) 2,000 years, the majority of which were flamboyant ones. Lackey Boy was unique. He was plucky though sometimes a little... oafish. Random Man called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Lackey Boy picked up to a very nervous Random Man. Lackey Boy calmly assured him that most South American hissing sloths panic before mating, yet legless puppies usually explosively sigh *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Random Man. Why was Lackey Boy trying to distract Random Man? Because he had snuck out from Random Man's with the computer only two days prior. It was a enchanting little computer... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Random Man got back to the subject at hand: his computer. Lackey Boy cringed. Relunctantly, Lackey Boy invited him over, assuring him they'd find the computer. Random Man grabbed his giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Lackey Boy realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the computer and he had to do it skillfully. He figured that if Random Man took the amphibious vehicle, he had take at least three minutes before Random Man would get there. But if he took the Beat up 1940's automobile? Then Lackey Boy would be exceedingly screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Lackey Boy was interrupted by two insensitive Care Bears that were lured by his computer. Lackey Boy sighed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling concerned, he aggressively reached for his carrot and deftly attacked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the magical cornfield, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Beat up 1940's automobile rolling up. It was Random Man.
o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Egg Roll King to pick up a 12-pack of ninja stars, so he knew he was running late. With a quick leap, Random Man was out of the Beat up 1940's automobile and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Lackey Boy's front door. Meanwhile inside, Lackey Boy was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the computer into a box of wolverines and then slid the box behind his elephant. Lackey Boy was pleased but at least the computer was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Lackey Boy flamboyantly purred. With a heroic push, Random Man opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some selfish noble genius in a wannabe go-fast Civic,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Lackey Boy assured him. Random Man took a seat hilariously close to where Lackey Boy had hidden the computer. Lackey Boy turned red trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Random Man was distracted. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, Lackey Boy noticed a annoying look on Random Man's face. Random Man slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Lackey Boy felt a stabbing pain in his taint when Random Man asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the computer right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A oafish look started to form on Random Man's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ripened avocados from when she used to have pet albino cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Random Man nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Lackey Boy could react, Random Man deftly lunged toward the box and opened it. The computer was plainly in view.
Random Man stared at Lackey Boy for what what must've been three seconds. A few unsatisfying minutes later, Lackey Boy groped charismatically in Random Man's direction, clearly desperate. Random Man grabbed the computer and bolted for the door. It was locked. Lackey Boy let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Random Man,' he rebuked. Lackey Boy always had been a little abrasive, so Random Man knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Lackey Boy did something crazy, like... start chucking carrots at him or something. As if it really mattered he gripped his computer tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Lackey Boy looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Random Man. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame seven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Random Man. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Lackey Boy walked over to the window and looked down. Random Man was gone.
o0o----
Just yonder, Random Man was struggling to make his way through the secret vineyard behind Lackey Boy's place. Random Man had severely hurt his prostate during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Care Bears suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the computer. One by one they latched on to Random Man. Already weakened from his injury, Random Man yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Care Bears running off with his computer.
About two hours later, Random Man awoke, his ear throbbing. It was dark and Random Man did not know where he was. Deep in the arid swamp, Random Man was scarcely lost. A few unfulfilled decades later, he remembered that his computer was taken by the Care Bears. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a teensy Care Bear emerged from the bush. It was the alpha Care Bear. Random Man opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Care Bear sunk its teeth into Random Man's double chin. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Random Man's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than four miles away, Lackey Boy was entombed by anguish over the loss of the computer. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened potato. With a mighty thrust, he buried it deeply into his armpit. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Random Man... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the computer that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Care Bears, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
LOLz!!1
