RiffText/RTOD/SSXMails/BHZ/Ze Horrible Ones

BHZ SSXMails 1-15

Foreword

These were my first 15 SSXMails. They were short, unfunny,

LIGHTNING GUY: And you know unfunny.

and are now outdated. Yeah.

MR. CLOUD: Okay.

In addition, some are really embarassing for me.

LIGHTNING GUY: Some.

Proceed at your own risk.

MR. CLOUD: Got yer rifle?

LIGHTNING GUY: Better know I do.

MR. CLOUD: Let's roll.

Commentary is italicized.

BHZ SSXMail 1 - FatDudley

{This email was brought to you by support to

LIGHTNING GUY: US dropout rates.

Homsar Emails.}

Dear SSX,

i am on hsw/fhq forum (under the name homsar if u havent noticed)
and am doing a email thread like this. I have only got 3 emails. why.

MR. CLOUD: Maybe because you write like a three year old.

live long and prosper,

LIGHTNING GUY: Die young and perish.

FD

Ps. if anyone is on that fourum

QUAGMIRE: Did somebody say foursome? Giggity giggity giggity giggity!
LIGHTNING GUY: Get out of here, Quagmire. Nobody likes your style.

or just wants to
send me an email, just send me and email at
[email protected]

SUPER SONIC X: So, this email provides support to Homsar(FatDudley) Emails at HSW/FHQ. That was an awkward sounding sentence.

MR. CLOUD: You are an awkward sounding man.

Anyways, the reason you don't have a lot of them is probably because it's new.

BHZ SSXMail 2 - AHHHHH!!!

Dear SSX,

We are all going to die from a huge neuclear

MR. CLOUD: NEUUUUUUUUU!
LIGHTNING GUY: Clear!

bomb but I just
want to say have a nice day before the nukeification!

Sicerely,

Palbert.

SUPER SONIC X: Huh? We're all gonna die? That is rediculous!

MR. CLOUD: Rediculous!

I mean really, why would the earth explode because of some- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Hrad* for the hills!! "Hrad for the hills" is now one of my favorite lines.

MR. CLOUD: What a coincidence! "'Hrad for the hills' is now one of my favorite lines." is now one of my favorite lines!

{A gigantic explosion occurs.}

LIGHTNING GUY: Sucks for you. I have my thermos.

^{* Hrad is a mispelling of head,}

LIGHTNING GUY: I would have never guessed that.

^{and for the sake of old SSXMails, I would like it to stay this way.}

BHZ SSXMail 3 - Movies

SSXMail 3:Movies

Dear SSX,

I like action movies than any others.
My favorite is T3: Rise of the machines!!

LIGHTNING GUY: What mother would

NOXIGAR: Wrong question to ask.

let their 6 year old child see that movie?

What's your favorite movie?

Moving faster than you,

Jhonka

SUPER SONIC X:Well Jhonka, let's look at a list of movies I've seen...{types the following}

a>Jimmy Neutron Movies

a>Cats & Dogs

a>The Lizzie McGuire Movie

MR. CLOUD: Hey, wait a minute.

a>Snow Day

MR. CLOUD: These are all awful movies.

Erm...moving right along.

SUPER SONIC X: Well, I can't think of any others.

LIGHTNING GUY: You've had a sad, sad life.

So, from the list, I would say the Jimmy Neutron movies. I also have never seen any of the following: {types the following}

a>The Matrix series

a>Terminator movies

a>Sinbad

LIGHTNING GUY: Why did he make a list of the movies he hasn't seen?
MR. CLOUD: He lost me at Lizzie McGuire.

I've seen bits and pieces of the first two, and have lost memory of why I mentioned the third.

SUPER SONIC X: So there you go, Jhonny.

BHZ SSXMail 4 - Teacher

Dear SSX,

Tell us about your teacher.

MR. CLOUD: I love how you make the assumption that he only has one teacher.

LIGHTNING GUY: But that's how it works in elementary school, isn't it?

NOXIGAR: Nah, there's at least two - regular and Phys. Ed.

I forgot.

Livin' at Kmart,

No Name

SUPER SONIC X:Well No Name, he's a nice guy, and he is also very funny. He almost never gives detention, so if he does, the principal knows it must be REALLY bad. He doesn't give out pop quizzes, and he would NEVER try to embarras you.

LIGHTNING GUY: But whenever he sees your writing, he just can't help himself.

{pause}

LIGHTNING GUY: THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME!

Until next time, I'm SSX!

He was an awexome teacher.

MR. CLOUD: Thank you, O Lord of Necessity.

BHZ SSXMail 5 - Post Count

Dear SSX,

When I got my username, it says that I'm a yabb newbie. How do I get it higher?

the guy who knows you,

Jhonka 8)

SUPER SONIC X:Well, the only way to get it higher is to post more. Eventually you will become a YaBB God.

LIGHTNING GUY: {laughs hysterically} You, sir, are a comedic genius!

Was this an email show, or an advice column?

LIGHTNING GUY: {scoffs} Haters gonna hate.

NOTE TO THE READERS: This entire email was written on a YaBB Message Board.

BHZ SSXMail 6 - Bigg The Cat

Do you hate the guy who came up with Big the Cat?

I HATE THAT GUY SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!! yOU

MR. CLOUD: SUCk

BETTER LOOK OUT MR. STUPID! BECAUSE YOU SEE THAT SHADOW
BEHIND YOU? I'M THAT SHADOW!!!!! AND I'M GONNA BLAST YOU 'TIL TOMORROW NOOOOOOONN!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, I'm done with my fit of rage. BTW,
do you want an animated avatar of Super Sonic?

LIGHTNING GUY: wait what

I can
make one, they usually take me about 15 minutes to
make.

SUPER SONIC X: Woah, calm down! Dou you know how many computer ettiqite laws you're breaking? Well, you're breakning one. Don't tpe in all caps.

LIGHTNING GUY: You're not even good at stealing jokes.

Anyways, no, I don't know ho

MR. CLOUD: {sassy} I ain't nobody's ho!

the creator of Bigg is, but I would like an animated Super Sonic avatar.

I do not want such an avatar anymore. Please do not make one for me.

MR. CLOUD: He wasn't going to make you one three years ago. He's not going to make you one now. Get over it.

Or for Kirbychu, if you value your life.

BHZ SSXMail 7 - Football

Hello SSX,

Do you like football? If so, what's your favorite football team?

from,
Jhonka

P.S: Can you list the number of posts to turn from
newbie to god?

SUPER SONIC X:No, I don't like football. Also, to become a YaBB god, you need 501 posts.

{Lightning Guy explodes from laughter.}
MR. CLOUD: SSX, you've done it again!

NOTE TO THE READERS: This entire email was written on a YaBB Message Board.

BHZ SSXMail 8 - Members

Dear SSX,

I think the Burning Horizon H*R Fan-Forum is great, but there are too many members! Do you agree, and
what can we do to get rid of this oversurgance?

Using really big words,

LIGHTNING GUY: If oversurgance even was a word, it wouldn't impress me.

-SBsonic

SUPER SONIC X:Well, SBS, I don't think it's really high. I mean, take a look at BZPower.

LIGHTNING GUY: BZWhat.

They've got over 10,000 members!

I think I just randomly found that forum for this "email."

MR. CLOUD: Can't you just make a "Fun" Facts section for this crap? It's starting to get annoying.
LIGHTNING GUY: Starting to?

BHZ SSXMail 9 - "Farther"

Dear SSX,

My dad is the cruelest person ever. I don't know how to describe him, he's so evil.

MERMAID MAN: E-evel?
BARNACLE B-I MEAN LIGHTNING GUY: Get back into your box, you old coot.

All I can say
is that he hits me as hard as can, at least twice a week.
Today's quote from my dad: QUOTE REMOVED FOR CENCORED
CUSSING

This happens to me everyday. I am not trying to
fool anyone. I'm too desperate for help right now.
Pease help me.

SUPER SONIC X:Well, did you talk to your mom about it? I mean there has to be some logical expanation to this.

MR. CLOUD: They should build a shrine to your ignorance.

BHZ SSXMail 10 - Annaversery(sp?)

SUPER SONIC X:Any mail? {types "run_inbox.exe"}

{SSX's computer reads the following:}Stored Emails:9
New Emails:0

SUPER SONIC X:What? Aww, man! I'm gonna play some SSBM. Forget you guys.

LIGHTNING GUY: Love you.

{Super Sonic X enters another room, where he can be seen playing on a Gamecube.

SUPER SONIC X: Hmmm... 6 lives.... Zelda.... Super Easy...

{Super Sonic X begins level one.}

SUPER SONIC X:Darn! I lost a life!...There goes a second one!...Another life bites the dust!...Not again!...Arggh!!! Stupid Goomba!...NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! {pause} Oh, well.

Apperantly, SSX is bad at Melee.

MR. CLOUD: I see.

BHZ SSXMail 11 - Bullies

Dear SSX,

Do you have a person that bothers you? If not, be glad you never met mine. >:( He always seems to
follow me and punch me in the back and grabbing my neck. I'm helpless MAN!!

LIGHTNING GUY: {nana nana nana nana} Helpless Man! With the power to be a damsel in distress! {nana nana nana nana}

What should I
do to get him to stop?

From,

Stinkodude

SUPER SONIC X:Well, Stinkodude, there was one a couple years back. On the ride home, he always tugged on my backpack. Now, about your broblem. Let's look at some solutions. {SSX types "run_problem_solutions.exe"}

MR. CLOUD: Don't you mean "run_broblem_solutions.exe"?

{The computer reads "ENTER PROBLEM. SSX types "Bullying,

LIGHTNING GUY: Bullying? Seriously? This dude will not survive middle school.

and the computer displays the following.}

a>Loading solutions...

Ignore bully

Reason with bully

MR. CLOUD: Using these two things I call my fists.

Run from bully

Tell a teacher or other adult

LIGHTNING GUY: That's obviously the comedy option.

NOXIGAR: How?!

That's an oddly specific computer.

SUPER SONIC X: Well, you should try the last one.

MR. CLOUD: I say "freaking", you say "narc"! Freaking!

LIGHTNING GUY: Narc!
MR. CLOUD: Freaking!

LIGHTNING GUY: Narc!

BHZ SSXMail 12 - Bully Pt.2

well SSX, I tried all those stuff and they don't seem to work.

LIGHTNING GUY: What a surprise.

plus, he
is SO annoying that he's almost as annoying as Strong Sad!

LIGHTNING GUY AND MR. CLOUD: :I

Plus, he always takes my book
and hides it. One day, he took my book but this
time, he hid it under his stuff and when I try to
get it, he uses his foot to keep me away and his
foot hit my face. >:(

SUPER SONIC X:Wow, this is a very serious matter! Hmmm... extreme times call for extreme measures. You should go tell the principal about this matter.

LIGHTNING GUY AND MR. CLOUD: :I

He'll probably get...3 hours detention or something.

LIGHTNING GUY AND MR. CLOUD: :I

If it continues, he could maybe get suspended!

LIGHTNING GUY AND MR. CLOUD: :I

{SSX types "run_random.exe".}

'{The computer reads the following:}Did you know that if you post a >:( smilie and highlight it, it will look like a Chinise(sp?) person?*

Yeah, that was pointless to mention.

MR. CLOUD: When you're done kicking that Strong Sad guy's ass, make sure to kick SSX's twice as hard.

^{This last message applied to the old BHZ.}

BHZ SSXMail 13 -Aiwmaiw

Deaw X-thingy,

I'm Homestaw Wunnew. I have a BIG pwobwem! As you might know, I answew aiwmaiws. No one emaiwed me
fow a whiuwe, but aftew the 3'rd aiwmaiw, things got messy... so many people aiwmaiwed me, it
was Aiwmaiws A' Pwenty!! (...Whoa...that's sounds like a good titlew fow one of my songs...
aftew I write this, it's off to the writing boawd! ....music... boawd... whatever..) How can I evew
answew all deese in time???

Sincerewy,

HomestarWunnewTwon!
( How do you wike my scweenname?;) )

LIGHTNING GUY: This is completely unreadable. Why would you

SUPER SONIC X:Well, HSWT, you should... ummm... you should... umm... well, don't rush it. Yeah, that's my only idea. Take your time.

Oh, gee. The next email is quite annoying. Proceed at your own risk, and brace yourself for something really stupid.

LIGHTNING GUY: You heard him, Mr. Cloud! This is the moment we've been waiting for! The Godfather of terrible emails!
MR. CLOUD: Ooh-wee! If I only had popcorn!

BHZ SSXMail 14 - The X

LIGHTNING GUY: It's coming!
MR. CLOUD: There it is!

THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM X ON FIRE. DUE TO AN EXTREME OVERLOAD IN RADIATION STUPIDITY LEVELS, THIS EMAIL HAS BEEN PERMANENTLY DELETED. IT'S IN YOUR BEST INTEREST TO NEVER DIG IT UP TO READ IT. THANK YOU.

{Lightning Guy and Mr. Cloud's jaws drop.}

MR. CLOUD: THAT SON OF A

NOXIGAR: {mock surprise} It's like SSX knew the entire time.

BHZ SSXMail 15 - Super Mario

Dear ssx,

Do you enjoy mario games?

SINcerely,

Homsar15

SUPER SONIC X: Yeah, I like Mario games. Who doesn't? {checks watch} Oh no! I've still got to type more! Ummm....AHHH!!! Can't think of anything! So, um, Mario games are grea-NOT DONE YET!-t. Speaking o-TOO LITTLE IDEAS!-f Mario, I just be-GAAAAHHH!!!-at Paper Mario. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! {checks watch again} Well, whatta you know! Time's up!

LIGHTNING GUY: You time this crap...

Time is not up! Get back to that email, Super Slacker X!

MR. CLOUD: Well, that's obviously not going to happen.

LIGHTNING GUY: What a shame. Well, I must admit that this wasn't a complete disappointment.

NOXIGAR: Let's be real here, the e-mails weren't funny in general.

NAMINE: Harsh.

NOXIGAR: SSX must've had a reason for deleting them.

I actually found some parts of this amusing.

NOXIGAR: He says, deflecting the entire fact he didn't actually find any parts of the email amusing.

MR. CLOUD: Yeah, SSX was being way too hard on himself. Oh well. On to Ze Real Horrible Ones!