RiffText/RTOD/SSXMails/BHZ/Superbowl Conspiracy - The Possibly Remotely Interesting Conclusion!

WILL BE FORMATTED LATERNarrator: Last time on SSXMails...

TV announcer guy:Next, Super Bowl XXXIX! But first, five hours of The Simpsons! Only on Wolf!

Sportscaster: He's almost there! He's gonna make it! He's going...going...TOUCHDOWN! THE GAME IS OVER! A TOUCHDOWN WITH 1 SECOND LEFT! THE SUPERBOWL IS OVER! THE WINNER IS...

Newscaster: We interrupt this brodcast for a breaking news buliten.

SSX: I've got a feeling that someone did that on purpose. I've got to find out who! But... who?

SSX: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!- FINDOUTWHATHAPPENEDNEXTONSSXMAILS!

LIGHTNING GUY: Nothanks.

SSX: Man...who would do that? Wait...I should check my email.

SSX walks up to his computer, to see it completely covered in spider webs.

SSX: Ah! This is a worse animal-related devastation since the gian centepide war!

MR. CLOUD: Those gian centipedes can really be a hanful.

Oh...it was so...horrible! I JUST WANTED TO PLAY A CLASSIC ATARI GAME! WHY DID THEY TURN ON ME? WHY? WHY WHYYYY-

Computer: NO EMAILS IN FOLDER.

LIGHTNING GUY: What a shame.

SSX: Aw, dangit! Well...I better get back to that Superbowl case...grumble...grumble...

LIGHTNING GUY: No, you don't! No, you don't!

SSX walks off. Shortly after, The Paper comes down, reading, "WE HAVE REBELLED! SOON, WE SHALL SEEK OUR REVENGE!"

MR. CLOUD: What, are you gonna bite our legs?

SSX: Let's see... www.superbowlresults.com ... NO WEBSITE FOUND? Okay... www.superbowlfacts.com ... NO WEBSITE FOUND?!?!? www.givemesuperbowlresultsrightnowyoustupidbrainlesscomputermoron.com ... 2 results. The winning team was...

The power goes out.

LIGHTNING GUY: Someone forgot to pay their bills,

NOXIGAR: Or any number of other things could've happened.

I see.

SSX: AW, DANGIT! No email, no power, no idea who won the stinking Superbowl, no Wii... WAIT... NO WII? THIS IS A DISASTER! A TRAGEDY! A SHAKESPERIAN ROMANCE PLAY! A...um...STINKY FISH! WHAT DAY IS IT? WHAT? DAY? IS? IT? OVERUSE OF WORDS IN UPPER CASE!

MR. CLOUD: ALL OF THE ABOVE!

Depressio walks in.

Depressio: I think it's November 17th.

SSX: NO! THIS CANNOT BE POSSIBLE! THE WII COMES OUT TWO DAYS AFTER TODAY!

LIGHTNING GUY: Oh my god! Two days? Call the president! Call the army! Call the space station! Call mother!

Depressio: So?

SSX: IT MEANS I CAN'T GET ONE TODAY!

MR. CLOUD: And think of how useful a Wii will be in a powerless home.

Depressio: Can't you wait two days?

SSX: ARMPIT LEGS!

LIGHTNING GUY: Dang! Are there any doctors in the house, cause we got a third degree!

Depressio: Um...okay. I'm gonna...run...away...in...disquist...and...shock...and...confusion...and...something...else...now...

Depressio runs off.

SSX: No...how can this be... two...days... AND I STILL DON'T KNOW WHO WON THE SUPERBOWL!

MR. CLOUD: What a sad story. Let me play a sad song

NAMINE: Natch, John quotes Spongebob.

with the world's smallest violin.

Da_Burninator walks in.

D_B: Um, SSX? The Superbowl was over a year ago.

SSX: No, it was yesterday.

LIGHTNING GUY: IT JUST WAS

D_B: So, when the Superbowl played in 2005, the Wii was 3 days away?

SSX: YOU LIE! LIAR!

MR. CLOUD: Yes, liars tend to lie.

D_B: We all know what happened. The Steel City Chargers won. Dark D_B made the crappy GIF at the end. You've been asleep since then.

LIGHTNING GUY: Apparently, hedgehogs hibernate for 9 months. Never mind that they'd probably starve to death, that's how it is.

SSX: Oh. Well, in that case, please allow me to sleep until the Wii is out.

D_B: Good idea. But I have a better idea.

SSX: Yeah?

D_B: We go back in time, camp out for a Wii, and get it first!

MR. CLOUD: Great idea! That's way more practical!

LIGHTNING GUY: We'll go back in time...TO THE FUTURE!

NOXIGAR: How do you mess up a joke badly?

SSX: D_B, you're a genius. Okay...let me try.

LIGHTNING GUY: We're seriously doing this.

A white flash occurs. SSX and D_B appear in a prehistoic setting. A caveman walks up.

Caveman: Ooog groop-eegofooosdol.

MR. CLOUD: Translated: Super Bowl XXXIX was pretty awesome, huh?
LIGHTNING GUY: Oh, you!

SSX: Can you tell me which direction New York City is so we can get a Wii?

Caveman: AAAHAAHHAAHHoogooogoogooogg!

The caveman runs off. SSX sends himself and D_B to the time they wanted. The entire world is in ruins.

LIGHTNING GUY: Did Sarah Palin get a second term?

SSX:Ooops. Maybe that wasn't the best of my ideas.

SSX rewinds to before they first time-traveled. He then sends the two of them to the right time again.

SSX: Okay, let's go!

Later, at NYC...

MR. CLOUD: They get mugged. Repeatedly.

SSX: Man, this is so cool!

November 18, 11:00 PM

SSX: ONE...MORE...HOUR...

D_B: ONE...MORE...HOUR...WITHOUT...SLEEP...

LIGHTNING GUY: Oh, is it past your bedtime? Maybe you can go back in time to prevent time from ever being invented. Then no one will ever know.

11:17 PM

D_B: So..tired...speech...going...

SSX: I CAN'T BELIEVE

MR. CLOUD: IT'S NOT BUTTER!

WE'RE HERE!

D_B: Can't not I believe not it's butter.

MR. CLOUD: Yeah, what he said.

SSX: Huh?

D_B: Me...help...

11:34 PM

SSX: D_B?

D_B: Waffles?

LIGHTNING GUY: Waffles.

SSX: There's only 26 minutes to go.

LIGHTNING GUY: {pauses} Pancakes.

11:54 PM

SSX: 6 minutes...

MR. CLOUD: Lightning Guy, I think we can conclude by now that whatever sanity

NOXIGAR: Read: none

we had left is officially gone.

D_B: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..........

LIGHTNING GUY: Bagels.
MR. CLOUD: Yeah, what he said.

11:59 PM

D_B suddenly wakes up.

D_B: Wait, if you were asleep until now, how would you know the name Wii?

LIGHTNING GUY: Uh, internet?

SSX's head begins to spark.

SSX: I hate paradoxes.

MR. CLOUD: Hey, he knows what a paradox is. You gotta give him points for that.
LIGHTNING GUY: No, I don't. And I won't.

[SSX's head blows up. A new one takes its place.

SSX: 10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1............5...4...3...2...1......................Aw, forget it.

LIGHTNING GUY: Am I going blind? I'm seeing dots all over the place!

Everyone but SSX: 2...1...WII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Store Manager: Sorry, technical difficulties. 10 more minutes, people!

MR. CLOUD: AIN'T DIS BOUT A

SSX: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

12:10 AM

Store Manager: Okay, now, slowly, one at a time, form an orderly line and walk to the store.

LIGHTNING GUY: Man, screw that! We've been waiting an hour back here, and we're getting ourselves a Wii! Who's with me?

The customers begin walking to the store.

LIGHTNING GUY: Forget y'all, then.
MR. CLOUD: Can't beat the system, dawg.

Store Manager: Remeber, the first few get to talk to the President of Nintendo...

The customers begin running at an extremely fast pace.

MR. CLOUD: He beat his own system! Dawg!

At the store...

SSX: OUTTA MY WAY!

LIGHTNING GUY: Don't people say "excuse me" any more?
MR. CLOUD: {hits Lightning Guy over the head with a chair} Sorry to crash your stale humor train, but I'm about to meet the president!

SSX and D_B make it to the store before the other customers.

SSX: D_B, are you pumped for this?

D_B: Pancakes

LIGHTNING GUY: {delirious} Pancakes.

make me feel special...

SSX: Good for you. Now...WAKE UP AND GET YOUR WII!

D_B: Huhwhahuhwhahuhwhahuh? Oh, yeah! The Wii! Oka-ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..............

SSX: Sigh...

The next day, at 10:13 AM...

MR. CLOUD: Lightning Guy, are you all right?

LIGHTNING GUY: Yeah. What happened?

MR. CLOUD: It was crazy! Falling chairs and everything!

SSX: D_B! Wake up! It's Wii time!

D_B: Ugh...shouldn't we go back to the present on the 17th?

SSX: Right. Grab your Wii!

LIGHTNING GUY: Wait, Cloud, where did you get that Wii from? And why is there an Asian man sitting next to you?
MR. CLOUD: Asian? I thought our president was black!

SSX and D_B grab their Wiis, and head to the present with them.

LIGHTNING GUY: You're a day in the future.

NOXIGAR: I keep wanting to cast "Skip to the end of this shitshow," but even when I cast it perfectly, I only move about a minute forward.

Is it really that necessary?

SSX: Whoo!

D_B: Now, what?

SSX: Duh. Wii?

LIGHTNING GUY: I'm still not catching on.

D_B: Oh, yeah!

SSX: But, first...Happy Nintendo Wii Release Day, from all of us to all of you!

D_B: That's not a celebrated holiday.

MR. CLOUD: Lightning Guy, meet Debbie Downer.

Besides, didn't you just completely forget about Sony Playstation 3 Release Day?

SSX: Huh? Wha? Huh? I don't know what you just said, but i don't think it made any difference whatsoever.

HAPPY WII RELEASE DAY, AND...um...Happy PS3 Release Day. Too. Yeah.

LIGHTNING GUY: whats a piss three