RiffText/MFT3K/Zarel Emails/7

Zarel E-Mail #7

Zarel is a dragon,

NACHOMAN: Since when?!

NOXIGAR: Since the main page of Zarel Emails. Damn, NachoMan. YOU MISSED THE POINT AGAIN.

and gets questions about said being a dragon.

BLUEBRY: "my girlfriend is foxy... if you know what i mean"

NOXIGAR: {flatly} A furry joke.
NOXIGAR: How totally unanticipated.

Cast (in order of appearance): Zarel, Coach Z, Homestar, The Cheat, Wind-Up Zarel, Strong Bad

Places: Zarel's House, The Locker Room

Transcript

{Cut to Zarel's Room}

CHWOKA: From where?
NACHOMAN: From the "loading screen" hint hint

NOXIGAR: I'm sorry. I don't get what you're hinting, but the statement sounds like a diarrhea joke. I want to thank you for not getting to the punchline of that hideous tumor you call "humor".

ZAREL: Shall we do it?

CHWOKA: Why don't we do it in the road?

NOXIGAR: Because then he'd have to deal with roadkill.

Email opener! {in rhythm} Za-rel! Za-rel! Za-rel maaaaail!

SKUB: I love anime~

NOXIGAR: That wasn't anime, you dolt! It was a generic email jingle!

subj: Pwning Powers

CHWOKA: ugggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

NOXIGAR: You should be blaming your frustrations on the email sender, not the email receiver.

Dear Zarel
Since you are a dragon looking
thing, you should have some type
of powrs. Can you show them to us?
From,
Man (No Powers)

{Due to the lack of a comma, Zarel doesn't pause after reading "Dear Zarel" and says the senders name as "Manno Powers."}

NACHOMAN: oh man he's so zany despite the fact there's an obvious parenthesis separating the words

NOXIGAR: I'm sorry. When has that stopped Strong Bad from misusing parentheses? Or even more "reputable" Wiki User Email shows from pulling this same stunt.

ZAREL: {typing} Manno Powers? Like...are you Austin's

BLUEBRY: LIKE THE MOVIE

NOXIGAR: Yes, like the movie. What's your damn problem?

long lost brother or something? Because that would be cool.

SKUB: Haha, actually, no it wouldn't

{clears screen, resumes typing} So, do I have any cool powers?

SKUB: Mike Myers is a talentless hack by the way.

NOXIGAR: I actually think Skullbuggy has a point. I just see this statement as a curve, though. Maybe I missed it on that freeway? Yea, that one. The one which leads to a parking lot where they're showing that Michael Myers movie... uhm... what was it called again? Bah, nevermind. The movie wasn't good.
NOXIGAR: For the layman, Skullbuggy has yet-another-decent statement on his hands.

Yes, yes in fact I do. For one, there's my ability to control the wind to my own liking.

SKUB: I'm pretty sure all of us can "bring the wind" if you catch my drift.
{poot}

NOXIGAR: Your statement would've been funny without that {poot} telling the joke, thank you.

{Cut to the Locker Room, Coach Z and Homestar are there}

HOMESTAR: So, what were we teekin'

BLUEBRY: talking
NACHOMAN: The joke is that homestar is stupid and cannot pronounce words right

NOXIGAR: There's no joke involved. It's just Homestar doing his own unique dialect.

about before? Hold on, Strong Bad check!

CHWOKA: What?

{looks around, runs behind a locker} Aha! Thought you could hide from me, eh?

CHWOKA: A WISE GUY, EH?

{A smack is heard and The Cheat flies from behind the locker offscreen}

SKUB: Awww, Homestar, not with your ring hand!
CHWOKA: Well, sometimes you do have to slap her up.

NOXIGAR: Is that a misogyny joke? Am I supposed to find this riff funny?
{Noxigar is once again left out of knowing the joke. What a FUCKING surprise.}

THE CHEAT: MEEEEEH!

CHWOKA: That's almost too panicked to be an expression of ambivalence.

NOXIGAR: Look, I don't get what the Cheat's expression is either, but... there are several lines other characters say before the line makes sense. Haven't your tried writing for the Cheat before?

HOMESTAR: Alright, now that that's over with, what were you saying?

COACH Z: I was saying before that I blame it all on super tight pants.

BLUEBRY: skinny jeans eh

NOXIGAR: Yes, I personally think Coach Z would point the blame on-
No, Homestar does not wear pants oh come ONNNNNNN

HOMESTAR: Ooooh. Super-tight pants.

{Suddenly a breeze blows Homestar's hat off his head}

SKUB: Oh for Pete's sake not this crap again

HOMESTAR: Oop! Hold on.

CHWOKA: Wait, how did we get to this point again? It's such a blur...

{Homestar picks his hat up and puts it back on}

COACH Z: Pants.

CHWOKA: Coach Z loves his pants like Zarel loves his detachability.

HOMESTAR: Coach Z, did you leave the windows open?

COACH Z: What windows? This place is air-tight! What is made here stays here!

SKUB: Hahaha, okay
BLUEBRY: it's like vegas but without the fun

NOXIGAR: Fun? What fun? Unless you're talking about the Hoover Dam...

{Zarel can be heard puking offscreen}

COACH Z: I blame that on pants, too.

CHWOKA: WAY TO GO YOU'VE MADE COACH Z EVEN MORE ONE-DIMENSIONAL
NACHOMAN: pretty soon the entire extent of the homestar character's dialogue will be a series of grunts

NOXIGAR: No, it won't deject to Banjo Kazooie voice acting. And that's a good thing.

{Cut back to the Cappy}

ZAREL: {typing} Urgh...I hate thinking about Coach Z's locker room. I don't understand why that isn't nominated the smelliest place in Free Country, nay, the entire world!

SKUB: You know, there's a huge pile of crap in the same location that I think might be a good nominee

NOXIGAR: Well that's no shit.

{Wind-Up Zarel pokes him on the shoulder}

CHWOKA: What, you haven't sold that guy for scrap yet?

ZAREL: {turns to him} Yes, my friend who doesn't break into my house because he lives here.

BLUEBRY: "what's up" was too simple
CHWOKA: And he used so many pixels on the rest of the sentence, he didn't have enough to make a question mark.

WIND-UP ZAREL: You have another email.

ZAREL: How did you know?

SKUB: "I AM ONE WITH MY ROBOT BROTHERS AND I SHALL BE WHEN WE CUT YOUR PATHETIC MEAT-THROATS"

{Wind-Up Zarel shrugs}

CHWOKA: YOU DON'T PUT ACTIONS IN THE MIDDLE OF DIALOGUE YOU MORON
NACHOMAN: Woah, what was that?
CHWOKA: I was reading criticism and somebody said we aren't angry enough. Or too angry, I couldn't tell.

NOXIGAR: I think the latter makes more sense. Last episode you were all-capsing near every line of riffing you did. I found it hilarious enough to sing "Shout" by Tears for Fears every time you yelled, bolded, and cursed all at once.

Anyway...

subj: ancestry

Dear Zarel:
As a dragon, I can only assume you have
quite the history behind your family. Were
your ancestors the knight-eating kinds of dragons,
or the lucky Asian dragons, or what? I'm actually
genuinely interested, here!

- Skub

SKUB: Whose Skub.
BLUEBRY: youre skub!

NOXIGAR: You did this email? Well well well, look who's got his tail between his legs.

{Zarel reads "here!" as if he was giving someone something.}

BLUEBRY: like giving me a migraine

ZAREL: {typing} So you really want to know my history behind my family don't ya, Yellow Skubmarine?

CHWOKA: at least i still have my precious talking heads

NOXIGAR: I don't expect a Talking Heads reference. Are you still trying to cling to sanity? Do I have to kill Dr. Brainfreeze and stop this shit from happening forever? Nah, I'll let you suffer some more.

Well, good luck then! You go research it youself!

SKUB: And again he dodges a question! How do you live with youself, Zarel?
NACHOMAN: people with histories of child abuse tend to move away from that subject in conversations

NOXIGAR: So you're trying to profile your riff-ee? Pff,I wager this has nothing to do with child abuse and more to do with inherent laziness.

As for this email, can somebody give me aaaaaAAAAA-

CHWOKA: {Zoom out. Zarel's house is on fire, and Zarel is slowly smoldering to death. Fade to black.}

DELETED!

ZAREL: {simultaneously} DELETED! {laughs manically}

SKUB: "I AM BECOME SHIVA, DESTROYER OF WORDS"

NOXIGAR: "I AM BECOME SKULLBUGGY, DESTROYER OF GOOD QUOTES"

STRONG BAD: You tell them, man! Delete all emails that have to do with parentals! Or...boxing gloves!

CHWOKA: Parenthetical?

ZAREL: Housebreaker!

CHWOKA: HOMEWRECKER

NOXIGAR: You keep using that word... I don't think you know what it means...

Sic 'em, Wind-Up!

{Wind-Up Zarel jumps at Strong Bad, knocking him into the hall room,

BLUEBRY: hall or hallway

several punching noises are heard.}

SKUB: "Ow, several times!!"
CHWOKA: Turns out they're just tenderizing raw meat in the next room.

ZAREL: Just remember, no hitting below the belt!

BLUEBRY: "you could knock my legs off"
CHWOKA: you might sweep his feet off him !!!

NOXIGAR: I don't really remember watching Karate Kid, but I know people reference it enough to know what Chwoka's terminology is from.

{The Paper}

Fun Facts

• The email opener is a reference to the Tatsunoko Productions anime, Yatterman. In the 2008 version, this is a take on the English subtitles when they do the victory pose.

SKUB: I really like anime~

NOXIGAR: Wow, I was wrong about the email opener not being an anime reference.

• Zarel refers to Austin Powers, a popular movie character.

SKUB: Wayne's World was the last good thing Mike Myers ever did, in my opinion. Everything after that is gold-plated crap.

NOXIGAR: Meh, I don't even like the first Wayne's World movie.

• The entire part of the email where Zarel shows off his wind power is a take on the Strong Bad Email: super powers.

SKUB: Read: line by line transcript

• This is another instance of Kicking The Cheat, People Breaking Into Zarel's House,

SKUB: His own page for running gags? Are there seriously going to be that many?

and another mention of Pants and Puking.

• Zarel deletes the email having to do with his family line, much like how Strong Bad deletes emails regarding his parents. In fact, Strong Bad tells Zarel to delete emails having to do with that or boxing gloves.

CHWOKA: How do you not pick up on this?

• "Yellow Skubmarine" refers to the popular song by The Beatles, Yellow Submarine.

SKUB: I prefer "Nowhere Man", because this email series is going nowhere, man!!

• Hitting below the belt is a penalty in combat sports like wrestling.

BLUEBRY: but anything goes in fight club

NOXIGAR: Too bad Fight Club wasn't being referenced.