RiffText/MFT3K/Zarel Emails/3

Zarel E-Mail #3

Zarel is asked what he would do with one billion dollars.

CHWOKA: "So... many... body parts..."
SKUB: Well, he'd buy a fur coat! But not a real fur coat, that's cruel.
BLUEBRY: stop out of control government debt

NOXIGAR: Um... are these supposed to be jokes? Are they supposed to be funny?

Cast (in order of appearance): Zarel, Homestar, Bubs, Coach Z

Places: Zarel's House, The Stick, Bubs' Concession Stand, The Field

Transcript

{Cut to Zarel's Room}

ZAREL: Tonight on Zarel E-Mail, we talk to the one...the only...er...whoever sent this email.

NACHOMAN: It's not so much talking as it is answering their question in an impersonal way and mispronouncing their name

NOXIGAR: Playing "NachoMan Misses The Point" gave me a headache the past every time I've had to riff something of his. So I won't this time on the grounds that nothing he says in this episode either makes any sense or is funny.

Subject: Money

CHWOKA: It's a fad.

NOXIGAR: Aww, I was expecting a song lyric! We've got to have... lyrics

Dear Zarel,

If you had a billion dollars, what would you buy first?

CHWOKA: It depends — is this money for nothing? Can he get chicks for free?
SKUB: It's a rich man's world, I'll tell you what.

NOXIGAR: HA HA HA I TOTALLY CALLED THOSE REFERENCES

Not Your Friend,

Raiku Samiyaza

SKUB: What a coincidence! Raiku's not my friend either.

NOXIGAR: IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE RAIKU ISN'T ANYONE'S FRIEND SINCE HE MADE ENEMIES OUT OF EVERYONE ELSE ON THIS WIKI

{Zarel says "Well that's not very nice..." after reading "Not Your Friend"}

NACHOMAN: What are you talking about? That's the nicest gift of all

ZAREL: {typing} Samiyaza...that sounds like some kind of Japanese dish...aw crap...now I'm hungry!

CHWOKA: Hungry for JAPAN
NACHOMAN: Man why'd you mention food? Now I have to make a foot long sandwich and eat three cookies

NOXIGAR: I'd rather have my sandwich in metric thank you

But anyway- {clears screen} A billion mig

CHWOKA: TAKE OFF EVERY MIG
SKUB: {dry heave}

NOXIGAR: Wait how the hell is that worthy of a dry heave? I don't understand.

ones, eh? Er...A million big ones...a billion dollars. What would I do with a billion dollars? What would I, Zarel Mikhail Lewis III

CHWOKA: If he was truly committed to comedy, the middle name would be "Hillary" or "Hunka Hunka Burning Love".

NOXIGAR: No, that would fall under "trying too hard". But maybe that's just me.

do with one billion-

HOMESTAR: Hey, Zarel, Hey, Zarel, Hey, Zarel!

BLUEBRY: "i gotta do this or it gets deleted"

ZAREL: I really need to start locking my door...

SKUB: All we need is some canned laughter and we'll be good enough for ABC!
BLUEBRY: no. maybe fox

NOXIGAR: Except Fox sucks except for House, M.D. And whatever football game involves the Baltimore Ravens in it.

HOMESTAR: Hmph! Fine! We'll take out outside!

NACHOMAN: take what
BLUEBRY: no, didn't you hear, they're taking "out" outside

{Cut to The Stick}

CHWOKA: Zarel is covered in swollen bruises and blood. A deep cut down his left arm bleeds profusely all around him. As he looks up with pleading eyes, Homestar delivers the fatal blow.}

HOMESTAR: So as I was saying before... Hey, Zarel, Hey, Zarel, Hey, Zar-

ZAREL: You...already said that.

HOMESTAR: I know, I was just saying what I was saying before.

SKUB: Alzheimer's is not a joke.

ZAREL: Riiiight...so...Homestar, what would you do with a billion bucks?

NACHOMAN: "I don't have any imagination, so why don't you answer this email for me?"

HOMESTAR: Well, I'd probably buy my own website and fill it with many different clips and shorts of me and my escapades with my friends.

SKUB: I call OOC, because Homestar clearly doesn't know what an esplanade is.
CHWOKA: Escapade-
SKUB: Escapade.

NOXIGAR: I call IC, because Homestar's intelligence has been shown to exist.

Maybe give Strong Bad a little show...maybe give you a little-

BLUEBRY: nnno

NOXIGAR: You don't even know what he's going to say

ZAREL: Homestar...you already have a site.

CHWOKA: IT'S FUNNY BECAUSDERF TDKBYBH RGNHSMOUHML
SKUB: Oh, jeez- bite down on this stick, Chwoka. It'll be over soon.
NACHOMAN: This cyrus kid is just a laugh and one half
BLUEBRY: ...oh i get it

NOXIGAR: I expected NachoMan to not make sense, but not the entire lot to just have humour dissonance.

HOMESTAR: I know! It'd be called homestarrunner.ne-WHAAAAAAT?

BLUEBRY: I MUST HAVE FORGOTTEN

ZAREL: {sigh} Never mind.

{Cut to Bubs' Concession Stand}

BUBS: A billion dollars, eh? I'd say you could spend it all on plenty of fine goods from my concession stand, including-

SKUB: Has Bubs ever sold anybody anything? Like, seriously, I'm starting to wonder.

NOXIGAR: Have you seen almost every holiday cartoon that's been made in the past few years? Bubs does commercials on varying holidays dependent on what the Brothers Chaps want him to do.

ZAREL: Bubs...with a billion dollars I could buy the concession stand and put you out of business.

CHWOKA: It's like Zarel doesn't want his character to play ball and actually be funny and have quirks.
SKUB: I identify with cardboard as well!
NACHOMAN: {monotone} what are you talking about zarel is so off the wall and zany I literally cannot hide my excitement
BLUEBRY: "yeah! take your billion dollars! i've got your tiny business!"

BUBS: {angry} So that's your evil scheme! I'm sorry, but I ain't selling!

{Bubs slams the steel door down as if to close the store, closing it on Zarel's hand and detaching it.}

CHWOKA: That's just contrived.

NOXIGAR: No it isn't. I don't see how it's contrived.

ZAREL: Uh...Bubs? My hand? {wiggles handless arm}

SKUB: "Put 'er there!!!!"
BLUEBRY: eughghgw

BUBS: {offscreen} 10 dollars!

CHWOKA: Why, with a billion dollars, he could buy 100 million hands!

ZAREL: Crap...

{Cut to the Field, Zarel's missing hand is replaced with a bucket. He sits on his bucket hand.

SKUB: I gotta give him a hand; I'd usually pay an arm and a leg for jokes like these, but I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that this sure is a side-splitting show!!!
BROOKSIE: ilu

NOXIGAR: Wait who the hell is this Brooksie guy and why is he liking Skub's dumb puns? These puns are horrible. Worse than my own, even.

Coach Z walks in}

COACH Z: Hey there, Zorrel!

CHWOKA: The wind dragoon.

NOXIGAR: I keep forgetting where this makes sense because IT DOESN'T

What gotcha down?

CHWOKA: WHAT'S GOIN' DOWN?

ZAREL: I don't know what I'd do with a billion dollars.

NACHOMAN: Women. Houses. Cars. Paintings. Some land. A seat in congress. A hot air balloon, some new sneakers, a space shuttle, good lord anything just have some freaking imagination

COACH Z: Well the best way to find out is to start makin' it! Now put that bucket to use and drop me some beats!

BLUEBRY: COACH Z BOUT TO RIP IT UP REPPIN WEST SIDE

NOXIGAR: Dialect and accent are clearly understood by Bluebry just now. Hopefully he starts being funny.

ZAREL: Uh...sure?

{Zarel drums on the buckets to a rhythmic beat}

CHWOKA: As opposed to...?

COACH Z: {rapping} These peoples try to fade me!

CHWOKA: Something seems familiar here...
SKUB: I CAN'T GUESS

NOXIGAR: Take your time, Skullbuggy. I can wait.

{Cut back to the Cappy}

ZAREL: {typing slowly} Well,

CHWOKA: W...E...L...L...

NOXIGAR: Sheesh man what's your problem? He spelled the word correctly.

Sushiyama, I have no freakin' clue what I'd do.

BLUEBRY: seriously. not even charity

I guess, save...for an emergency or something.

CHWOKA: Facts are useless in emergencies.
SKUB: "The orphanage is burning down! Somebody do something!" "Well, ma'am, I know what to do! We'll just wait for it to be demolished and then I'll build a new one!" "The day is saved??"

NOXIGAR: Skullbuggy, either your humour is lacking again or you just made a joke which might be funny to everyone else but I find distasteful. Either way this falls flat.

{stops} Well this sucks, I only have one actual Zarel hand now.

BLUEBRY: buy a new one also eughghgw

NOTICE

CHWOKA: You are being evicted.

You have one new message.

ZAREL: Huh. I wonder what this could be.

Subject: Buckethands

Dear Zarel,

How do you type with

SKUB: Bocksing gloves

NOXIGAR: boxing gloves

a bucket for a hand?

Sincerely,

Homestar

CHWOKA: Very carefully.
NACHOMAN: Ask Skub.

{Zarel lets out a huge groan, The Paper comes down}

Easter Eggs

• Click on "Samiyaza" after Zarel refers to it as a Japanese dish to see a picture of a plate of assorted sushi.
• Click on "Buckethands" for a scene.

Easter Egg Transcript

{Cut to Bubs' Concession Stand}

COACH Z: Say there, Bubs, whatcha got today?

BUBS: A lucky dragon's paw!

CHWOKA: He's so lucky, he won a billion dollars!
SKUB: Just you wait, your son's zombie will show up right at your doorstep and you might not enjoy that

Only 10 bucks! {Holds up Zarel's disembodied hand

CHWOKA: It is still writhing around uncontrollably.

}

COACH Z: Holy gorsh! That's the best looking back scratcher I've seen!

{Zarel in the distance lets out a huge groan}

NACHOMAN: please don't let that groan mean what I think it does

Fun Facts

• Homestar talks about getting a website if he had a billion dollars, when he already has one already.

CHWOKA: How do you find the Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki without seeing this page first.
SKUB: Whats a Honestar.
BLUEBRY: omg that's what that thing in the corner is

• Zarel's bucket hand and the Coach Z rap are references to sbemail: new hands. I had planned on giving Zarel the new hands email instead of this.

CHWOKA: Why, this Fun Fact isn't fun at all!

NOXIGAR: I see a pun, and then I see nothing funny about the pun.

• Zarel's second email in this episode is a take on the "how do you type with boxing gloves" emails.

NACHOMAN: I am shocked and appalled!

• Bubs calls Zarel's hand a "lucky dragon's paw," which refers to monkey paws or rabbit's feet, which were believed to bring good luck.
• This is the first instance of Zarel's take-apart ability in Zarel E-Mail. The first in his entire filmography was in his character video.

SKUB: I'm surprised he wasn't ripping himself apart in email 1.
NACHOMAN: This can only mean there is more to come and personally I cannot wait!

NOXIGAR: I'm sure glad Strong Intelligent stopped me from playing "NachoMan Misses The Point" because I'd have had a field day this episode.