(even if you aren't vegan)
RiffText/MFT3K/Zarel Emails/1
Zarel E-Mail #1
Zarel is asked if he would rather be single or date someone.
CHWOKA: He doesn't answer.
Cast (in order of appearance): Zarel, Strong Bad, Strong Sad, Homestar, Marzipan
Places: Zarel's House, Strong Sad's Room, The Field
NACHOMAN: I never understood the point of having these "places" sections in fanstuff, I mean who's looking for specific scenes from a zarel email? Whatever.
NOXIGAR: Here lies a problem: if I remember the Wiki User Email template from the Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki only three years ago, there actually would be a need to set up where places are. That way, the reader's not confused as to where the email is actually taking place.
Transcript
{Cut to Zarel's Room. The desk there is empty, and footsteps are heard, as well as indistinct conversation.
BLUEBRY: someone got robbed
NOXIGAR: I understand you're trying to be funny, but where is that conclusion coming from?
The conversation gets clearer as Zarel approaches.}
{Zoom out to show Zarel and Strong Bad. Zarel is holding a large box.
CHWOKA: It has somebody else's wife's head inside.
NACHOMAN: Or perhaps some form of explosive.
}
ZAREL: ...so I just set it up here on the desk and then wait for the emails to come in?
SKUB: In the year 2010 where cardboard boxes check emails
BLUEBRY: you also need, you know, a net connection
NACHOMAN: and a few friends wouldn't hurt.
NOXIGAR: Ouch, Nacho. That hurts... :(
STRONG BAD: That's how it's done. Now go out there and check the crap out of those e-mails. Just don't bite my style,
CHWOKA: get it because zarel is a party animal
and if you get any boxing glove emails...do not forward them to me. Just...delete them.
ZAREL: Roger!
SKUB: No, his name is-
STRONG BAD: Nononono...my name is Strong Bad. Strong. Bad.
SKUB: Wow, that's... that's a kick in the grill if there ever was one.
CHWOKA: You okay, Skub?
SKUB: MY JOKES MEAN SO MUCH TO ME
CHWOKA: The gag was better in Airplane! anyway.
NOXIGAR: I remember watching "Airplane!" I also remember it not being funny. But that's just me.
ZAREL: Uh...alright then.
CHWOKA: Ladies and Gentlemen, the most pointless line!
NACHOMAN: With every line I'm thinking more and more that this series is actually documenting the sad life of a man with no personality.
{Strong Bad walks away.
BLUEBRY: THEACTIONNEVERSTOPS
NOXIGAR: {dry heave}Zarel places the box on his desk, opens it, and tears through it wildy.
CHWOKA: get it because zarel is a literal animal
Several packing peanuts and pieces of cardboard can be seen flying about.}
ZAREL: Ah, here it is! {pulls out a monitor} A Cappy brand computer, Model DT8! Or...just the Cappy DT8.
BLUEBRY: ...is he saying this to himself?
NACHOMAN: I'm pretty sure all normal people answer their emails aloud when they're alone. Or just craving attention, either or.
{places it on the desk} And we need this- {pulls out keyboard} this- {pulls out mouse}
CHWOKA: Gonna eat that?
NOXIGAR: I take it you're coming to this conclusion because you assume "vore" is involved.
this- {pulls out tower} and...this?
CHWOKA: What, no hyphen this time?
{pulls out a burrito} Since when did computers come with free burritos?
CHWOKA: Don't explain the joke. Brevity is the soul of wit.
SKUB Don't you mean "Brevity is wit"?!
CHWOKA: Encyclopedia Dramatica beat you to that joke.
SKUB: nnnnnNNNNNNNNNNO
NOXIGAR: ...wait was there supposed to be something funny? All I got from this was a nod to Encyclopedia Dramatica. I thought these guys hated 4chan memes? Why would they go to a wiki entirely dedicated to using them?
Oh well, can't let this go to waste.
SKUB: Now he'll really live up to the name of wind dragon /me beep beep
{The camera switches to a closer view of the Cappy. (y'know, with Zar's reflection and all)
CHWOKA: Parenthetical statements: Their own little sentences.
NOXIGAR: "MFT3K: We Take Our Grammar Seriously, Despite The Fact We Don't Acknowledge The Right Grammatical Terms"
Zarel eats his burrito, making several "Om nom nom" sounds.
SKUB: I would kick somebody in real life if they did that.
CHWOKA: I would kick somebody on the internet for doing that.
NACHOMAN: I would kick Cyrus.
NOXIGAR: Man, I keep forgetting that this is back when Lucian Summers was known as Cyrus.
He clicks on the email icon on his computer.}
subj: an email in rhyme? it's limerick timeBLUEBRY: {groan}Dear Zarel, my most trusted of buddies!
Here, now, is a question to study;
if given the chance
to choose play or romance,
would you rather be smitten or muddy?
- Skully B, a Rhyming G
BLUEBRY: WHAT UP SOUTHSIDE REPRESENT
SKUB: Whose Skully
NACHOMAN: it's not my skully haw haw
NOXIGAR: It's the "Skully B" who is riffing alongside you other schmucks. But I digress.
{Zarel begins reading the email with his mouth full,
CHWOKA: of god-knows-what'
'but then gulps down the food in his mouth and reads it again. He reads "Skully B" as "Skully-buh" and "a Rhyming G" as "a Rhymin-guh.}
ZAREL: {typing} That is a very good question, Skulliba. However, it'd be much much better if you...I dunno, made sense?
SKUB: IAMBIC PENTAMETER, MOTHERFFFFFF, DO YOU SPEAK IT
Alternative riff for the weakhearted and Talking Heads fans:
CHWOKA: STOP MAKING SENSE
NOXIGAR: "Hey, Chwoka. I ran out of riffing ideas. Can we start doing the same thing Bell and Raiku and Lucian Summers are all doing and reference stuff to death?"
NOXIGAR: "Sure, Skub! Go ahead and butcher Pulp Fiction"-
NOXIGAR: Okay, Strong Intelligent! You can take this statement and kill every joke I made in it.
NOXIGAR: Despite the fact Pulp Fiction wasn't that great. Yeah, yeah, I reference it every once in a while, but only the quotes I actually know from the movie.
{clears screen, continues typing} So what you are asking me is if I could choose between playing or romance, would I rather be murdered
BLUEBRY: ...how did you get "murdered" from "smitten"?
or dirty, yes? Well...I'd definately
BLUEBRY: definitely
rather be all covered in even the smelliest mud {he talks the small partunder
BLUEBRY: part under
his breath} unless said "mud is courtesy of the Poopsmith,
SKUB: Hahaha, don't lie
NOXIGAR: Hmm? Do you own a lie detector or is this supposed to be a joke?
then
BLUEBRY: than
be brutally killed by someone.
BLUEBRY: no—seriously—how did you get murder from romance?
I think I'm going to have to ask an expert translator of such...lime Ricks,
CHWOKA: Sounds like lame candy.
NOXIGAR: No, sounds like Rick James.
Bitch
or whatever they are called for the other question.
SKUB: Have you been living under a rock?
CHWOKA: Hey, he didn't go to middle or high school, cut him some slack!
NACHOMAN: I think everyone figured that out by the 10th line.
NOXIGAR: I didn't.
NOXIGAR: Oh wait your collective is the "everyone" being referenced here.
{Cut to Strong Sad's room}
ZAREL: {peeks through the doorway} Strong Sad? I...eh...need your help on something real quick-like!
STRONG SAD: Oh, hey, Zarel. What do you need?
SKUB: "Why yes I've known you since diaper school for diapers!"
NACHOMAN: "Hey best friend Zarel who I have always known and interacted with!"
ZAREL: I need you to translate this Liam and Ricky for me.
SKUB: I remember that!
STRONG SAD: Oh, you mean a limerick, right?
ZAREL: Yeah! A...whatever you said!
SKUB: "Bizzarel good at a English!"
{Noxigar groans}
NOXIGAR: Damn it, Skullbuggy! Where's the joke?
STRONG SAD: Alright, hold on a sec. {shouts to the other room} See? I told you I had a purpose!
SKUB: OOOOOOOH SICK BURN
CHWOKA: TAKE THAT, ROOM!
STRONG BAD: {offscreen} Yeah, and that's all you're good for!
STRONG SAD: Oh...
SKUB: Jeez. Strong Sad's like a walking Zoloft commercial, except without the part where he takes Zoloft.
NACHOMAN: In the next scene we see Strong Sad sitting on his bed, a knife in one hand. He contemplates for several tedious minutes before dropping the knife and weeping softly.
NOXIGAR: IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE YOU ARE PRACTICALLY ACKNOWLEDGING THAT LUCIAN SUMMERS IS KEEPING STRONG SAD IN CHARACTER.
{Cut back to Zarel's room}
ZAREL: Alright, what does it say?
STRONG SAD: Ah, this limerick is simply asking you if you would rather be single or date someone. It has nothing to do with murder or dirt at all.
SKUB: Why would anybody think that
CHWOKA: You're just bitter and drunk. Just like all the great poets!
BLUEBRY: no it definitely said murder
ZAREL: Thanks, Strong Sad. You may go now.
CHWOKA: ," Zarel said, with a dismissive handwave, "I have no further use in you, nor interest in you."
{Strong Sad walks off, cut back to the Cappy}
ZAREL: Alright, now that I have a translation... {typing} So anyway, Skeletor,
SKUB: Let's get one thing straight right now; nobody here remembers He-Man or any other old cartoons so stop pretending you do
NOXIGAR: Your throwaway line would like to have a word with Emperor Lex and Chaos.
would I rather have the single life or date someone... {when he types the ellipsis he says "dot, dot, dot"}
CHWOKA: {dry heave}
BLUEBRY: did you need to remind yourself how to spell it
probably single. There aren't many girls here in Free Country, just Marzipan. And what kind of idiot would want to date her?
NACHOMAN: "Now if she was some sort of cat, it'd be different!"
CHWOKA: And thus Zarel successfully segues from actually answering the email to a skit about Homestar.
NOXIGAR: NachoMachoMan, I already figured out what this riff was in its petty disguise. No need to make it any more obvious than it is already.
HOMESTAR: {offscreen} Marzipan...
ZAREL: {dejected look} Oh. {looks out window}
SKUB: "I thought I had a chance with her...!"
CHWOKA: "And her sexy, sexy curves. If only she was detachable..."
NOXIGAR: I thought Homestar Runner was the only person who thought Marzipan was sexy in the entire known universe. But that's just me.
{Cut to the Field, Homestar walks up to Marzipan}
HOMESTAR: Marzipan, I got you these flowers and a dead possum for Valentines Day!
BLUEBRY: what a catch
MARZIPAN: {sigh} Homestar, I thought you knew I protest against the giving of dead animals as gifts! How do you think they feel?
BLUEBRY: they're dead
Also, Valentines isn't until a month later!
SKUB: Woah, nice gerunds there. I'll give you this, at least: good grammar! You get a B.
NOXIGAR: I thought grammar was only pass or fail.
HOMESTAR: Oh...I guess I'll just...um...food...someplace. Bye! {runs off}
{Cut back to Zarel}
ZAREL: {sigh} Hippies.
CHWOKA: CAN'T LIVE WITH 'EM, CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT 'EM !!!
{The Paper comes from the top of the screen, reading "Click here to e-mail Zarel @ [email protected]"}
SKUB: Did The Paper fake her death or something? What is this, All My Children?
NACHOMAN: Oh, paper. I thought you were better than this.
BLUEBRY: aim.com, really
ZAREL: What the crap is that thing?
STRONG BAD: Oh! Allow me to explain! When you signed up for this email-checking gig, I gave you your own complimentary The Paper! Well...I really just taped a printer to your wall and filled it with yellow notebook paper...because you're yellow and all.
SKUB: That's only mildly race-ist.
NOXIGAR: racist
ZAREL: That's cool and all, but how long will this tape hold?
CHWOKA: 74 minutes.
STRONG BAD: Oh, about 173 emails or so, give or take
CHWOKA: 40
.
{Zarel starts poking The Paper}
STRONG BAD: What are you doing?
ZAREL: I'm trying to email myself!
SKUB: "Weeeeee-hee-hee-hee! I'm a computer!"
STRONG BAD: {sigh} Looks like we've got another idiot here...
BLUEBRY: you betcha
Fun Facts
- Zarel's "om nom nom" sounds are similar to that of the Heavy Weapons Guy from Team Fortress 2 whenever he eats a Sandvich.
SKUB: AND WE START OUR EMAILS WITH A BANG
- The mud courtesy of the Poopsmith referrs to whatsit.
CHWOKA: Fun Facts translated to Japanese and back becomes "Explanations of jokes".
NOXIGAR: Fun Facts translated to Fun Facts translated to Japanese kind of becomes "Explanation of an explanation of a joke".
- Skeletor is the main antagonist in "He-Man: Masters of the Universe."
CHWOKA: FUN FACT: Nobody cares.
NOXIGAR: Oh, cool.
- Strong Bad says the tape holding Zarel's printer will last for 173 emails. This refers to the Strong Bad Email "the paper," numbered 173, in which the printer collapsed on Strong Bad's head.
