RiffText/MFT3K/X Is The New Y/3

About

Yvonne and Marissa begin to question the purchase of Xaviar.
CAST: Marissa, Yvonne, Strong bad, Xaviar, The cheat, Strong sad, The KOT
SETTING: The bedroom, the field, strong bads basement, the stick

Transcript

{opens up to the girls room.

CHWOKA: Finally, we might get something useful out of all this!

There are now two wodden

CHWOKA: Say your sentences out loud, exactly as they are spelt, before you submit them.

NOXIGAR: Make sure that, when saying your sentences out loud, you ensure you don't have too many excess commas.

framed beds. strong bad, yvonne, and marissa each have a hand of five cards, and are sitting around .

CHWOKA: Please? One proofread, just for me?

a large stack of tokens is in front of marissa. yvonne and strong bad have significantly less, strong bad having just one peach token.}

YVONNE: Um... Let's see... I see marissa's ace of spades,

CHWOKA: IF YOU WANT TO GAMBLE I TELL YOU, I'M YOUR MAN! I DON'T NEED YOUR GREED, THE ONLY CARD I NEED: THE ACE OF SPADES! THE ACE OF SPADES!

NOXIGAR: Nice song reference.
{Noxigar legitimately smiles at this riff}

and raise her twenty-five.

CHWOKA: I'm pretty sure there are only four aces per deck.

MARISSA: {puts two blue tokens and a red token in the middle} I'm ready.

CHWOKA: for the rapture.

NOXIGAR: It's hard to make sense out of this. Then again, making sense out of the work being riffed is of equal difficulty.

YVONNE: I'll start. {lays out her hand} full house of fives and nines. {crosses her arms, smiles smugly}

STRONG BAD: I have a hand so awesome, that your faces would melt if you saw it.

CHWOKA: Like yours did in the photograph.

MARISSA: Let me see. {looks at strong bad hand}

CHWOKA: I have to try this trick next tiem I play Texas Hold 'Em.

You have a six of clubs as a high card.

STRONG BAD: So?

MARISSA: You lose.

BLUEBRY: nobody wins to a full house

NOXIGAR: I should probably look up Poker rules before I even delve into this particular comment.

YVONNE: Let's see how much better you've done!

STRONG BAD: Yeah!

MARISSA: Ok. {lays out her hand} Four of a kind, aces.

CHWOKA: Hold on, she can't have four aces if she's playing Texas Hold 'Em. The only way is to have two aces on the river, and two in the pocket, which means Strong Bad's 6 of Clubs wasn't his high card at all — the aces were!

NOXIGAR: It was made clear that this variant of Poker isn't Texas Hold 'Em in regards to having five card hands as opposed to two card hands. I give you props for being right, though.

YVONNE: That's ten winning hands in a row!

BLUEBRY: stop cheating mary sue

XAVIAR: {flies onscreen} Hey, guys.

STRONG BAD: Oh, what are you doing here? can't you see I'm-

XAVIAR: Losing to a school girl in poker? Yes.

BLUEBRY: this is like that guy who tries to sound smart but everyone knows he was just eavesdropping and waiting for his chance

MARISSA: {angered} What's that supposed to mean?

BLUEBRY: and yeah what a misogynist

STRONG BAD: That I got the hand you're trying to pass off as yours?

XAVIAR: Well, girls just arent that good ad card games.

BLUEBRY: "unless those cards have recipes on them"

NOXIGAR: Card recipes are quite common in trading card game metagames.
NOXIGAR: But that's not the recipe you're referring to, is it? Nah, didn't think so.

{yvonne throws a handful of tokens at xaviar. they hit}

CHWOKA: xavier dies.}

XAVIAR: Ow!

MARISSA: I've been playing poker since the second grade.

BLUEBRY: started out with a small-scale gambling ring behind the swings
CHWOKA: She worked up to a casino tour.

NOXIGAR: You guys actually turned a mediocre "I'm a pro" statement into a halfway-decent backstory. Sweet!

It's only natural I know the inner workings of the game!

YVONNE: Wait a second. {mumbling to herself for three seconds}

CHWOKA: One, two, three, four, five... I need to go the hospital.

NOXIGAR: Aaaand now you're just trying too hard. Sometimes I do that as part of the joke, though...

Wait, you've been playing for seven years?

MARISSA: And I've gotten rich off of it.

BLUEBRY: "that's how i can afford to live in a grill"

NOXIGAR: The dissonance would make sense if Marissa were The Cheat

XAVIAR: I bet I could beat you at it.

MARISSA: Starting with how little?

XAVIAR: Um... a hundred dollars!

CHWOKA: G\He has never ever played poker before.

MARISSA: {throws a black chip at xaviar} Bring it!

XAVIAR: You'll be broke before you kno-

{the screen turns to black, with thirty second later written on it in white. it comes back to the previous scene. xaviar has a hand of cards}

XAVIAR: {laying his hand out} Three jacks!

MARISSA: {laying her hand out} Flush of hearts!

XAVIAR: {mumbling} I shouldn't have gone all in...

MARISSA: Now, what did you say about girls?

CHWOKA: WOMYN EMPOWERMENT

NOXIGAR: At least you spelled empowerment right amongst your last few riff commentaries... {sighs}

XAVIAR: That they are

BLUEBRY: mary sues

CHEATING!?!

MARISSA: {shocked} WHAAAAT?!?

CHWOKA: Say WHAT, honky?!

XAVIAR: How else could you win every time?

MARISSA: With strategy!

CHWOKA: Award-winning strategies, like "looking at the opponent's hand."
BLUEBRY: not to mention "licking an ace of spades, sticking it under the table for later, and claiming the dealer forgot to deal you a card"

NOXIGAR: IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE THOSE ARE CHEATING METHODS

XAVIAR: I bet you mark the cards.

THE CHEAT: {walks in} {confused the cheat noises}

STRONG BAD: That brain haired girl-

CHWOKA: Use hyphens right here, instead of for their stated function. NEVER use hyphens to link two words together. Ever.

NOXIGAR: Um, what? Has your brain just completely shattered from the lack of proper punctuation in the dialogue you tried to riff?

MARISSA: Hey!

STRONG BAD: -wouldn't cheat, the cheat would.

XAVIAR: How would you know?

CHWOKA: Because The Cheat cheats. A lot.

MARISSA: Get OUT OF HERE!!!

CHWOKA: OR I WILL SUMMON SATAN FROM THE BLACK ABYSS

{Noxigar groans}

XAVIAR: {flying out} {sing songy} Temper tantrum! {flies offscreen}

CHWOKA: X IS THE NEW Y: A series of two-word phrases.

NOXIGAR: "MFT3K: Our Jokes Are Going To Get Gritty Fast"

MARISSA: {to strong bad} Now, I believe you owe me one thousand seven hundred dollars. {holds out her hand}

CHWOKA: She's just inflating it because Strong Bad never learned how to count.

NOXIGAR: I thought every Homestar Runner character was functionally literate? Hmph, no wonder some of my attempts at character usage seem out of character if Strong Bad is functionally disabled...

{cuts to outside the grill. xaviar flies out. strong sad walks in}

STRONG SAD: Aren't you the bird strong bad bought?

XAVIAR: What's it to ya?

STRONG SAD: It was just a {strong bad peeks his head outside the grill} kind gesture!

XAVIAR: {squalks loudly at strong sad, causing him to run away} That'll teach him.

CHWOKA: Teach him to what?

NOXIGAR: How to dougie
NOXIGAR: No seriously I don't know how to dougie. And I don't think a parrot would know either. :V

STRONG BAD: {jumps out of the grill completely} Woah! You just singelhandedly got rid of our worlds worst problem!

CHWOKA: {imitating Strong Sad} I'm sorry I caused all that cancer.

XAVIAR: Thank you. {sneering at the way strong sad went} At least someone respects me.

STRONG BAD: I don't know why the girls hate you!

CHWOKA: Because they're girls and the writer doesn't understand girls.

{cuts back to the bed room yvonne and marissa are putting a cage above the door}

YVONNE: Bye bye, birdy!

SKUB: That is just an irrational level of hate, and I would never stoop as low or lower.
{Chwoka accidentally hits the "Hating Im a Bell" button"}
SKUB: KILL HIM! KILL HIM.

NOXIGAR: DAMN IT, SKULLBUGGY! IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE THAT BUTTON, MAYBE YOUR STATEMENT WOULD'VE STILL BEEN FUNNY AT LEAST FOR META-IRONY REASONS

{cuts back}

STRONG BAD: So, how did you come to hate dumpus?

XAVIAR: He offered me a {raises wings in quotation marks} bla-la-ka-lava{stops}

CHWOKA: Yadda, yadda, yadda,

whatever that is. It's probably some kind of laced food.

CHWOKA: Wait, you think Strong Sad would try to kill you?

NOXIGAR: Probably. Strong Sad isn't the most charismatic of characters when it comes to the very morbidity he presents in stories he crafts or reads.

STRONG BAD: So, could you teach me that squalk?

BLUEBRY: yeah just grow a beak and

XAVIAR: It'll cost ya.

STRONG BAD: But I just lost all my money.

XAVIAR: I'll just take a token. meet up with me by some dork.

CHWOKA: Strong Bad stands next to Coach Z, Xavier perches on Homestar.

{xaviar flies into the grill, and strong bad walks away. cuts to inside the girls room. xaviar flies in fast enough to avoid getting trapped. he grabs a black token}

CHWOKA: Why a black one you racist

NOXIGAR: Grab a token of the highest numerical value and run. Sometimes desperate thievery does this.

MARISSA: Thief!

CHWOKA: "Police! Stop that bird, he has a worthless tabletop game token! What?! No, it says 100 right there on it!"

{xaviar flies off screen.}

{cuts to the stick. the king of town is there. strong bad is waiting impatiently, as the king of town noisily and sloppily eats a raw steak.

BLUEBRY: classy

NOXIGAR: It's the King of Town. He's eaten things more nutritionally hazardous than a raw steak.

xaviar flies on screen.}

STRONG BAD: Finally. Now can you teach me to do that squalk?

XAVIAR: First, you'll need to replace your vocal cords with those of a birds.

CHWOKA: {Strong Bad, without hesitation, rips the throat of Xavier out.}

NOXIGAR: I thought the bird was called "Xaviar". Maybe that's just me.

STRONG BAD: What?!?

XAVIAR: It's the only way I can teach it.

STRONG BAD: Then why'd you tell me to find a dork?

XAVIAR: So I could gloat about my ability to do it. {squalks loudly at the king of town}

THE KOT: Aaah! {runs offscreen}

STRONG BAD: You're a dirty, scamming, rotten little bird. {two second pause} You're alright.

{cuts back to the girls room. the two are doodling on some blueprint paper. xaviar flies in}

MARISSA: There you are! Give me back my hundred bucks!

XAVIAR: Don't worry. S.b. will pay it back. {thinking} I hope. '{peeks over at the paper the girls are doodling on.}

YVONNE: Hey! We're planning here!

BLUEBRY: because who needs an architectural or engineering degree. those are for fools

NOXIGAR: They weren't plotting a building. Your joke is hopelessly lost due to the inherent lack of context :V

XAVIAR: Yeah. Planning a doomed machine.

YVONNE: What do you mean?

XAVIAR: Duh. You need to install a crank shaft attached to the pulley at 8-D, and use a stronger metal for virtually every metal object in the machine.

BLUEBRY: "trust me i went to mit"

NOXIGAR: Can parrots get accepted to MIT? I don't think so, last I checked...

MARISSA: {raising her hand} Uh...

XAVIAR: It was part of my old job.

BLUEBRY: "...world-class art thief"

YVONNE: If you're so good at that, explain why our cage trap failed.

XAVIAR: Because, I can fly fast.

MARISSA: So, what you're saying is that you can make blue prints.

XAVIAR: What did you think was the blue stuff lining the bottom of my cage?

MARISSA: Bub's shedded skin?

YVONNE: Same.

XAVIAR: He's a reptile?

MARISSA: Maybe.

NOXIGAR: Bubs has never shown reptillian traits in the actual Homestar Runner canon. Now I can see why these guys would riff this work. Not like I could do much better regarding this, sadly...

{the cheat walks in}

THE CHEAT: {inquizitive the cheat noises}

XAVIAR: Purple paint mixed with vinegar.

BLUEBRY: oh, a kir royale

NOXIGAR: A what royale?

THE CHEAT: {confused the cheat noises} {leaves}

MARISSA: You didn't even have to think on that!

XAVIAR: Same reasons.

YVONNE: Okay, you're a lying, evil little devil.

XAVIAR: Right.

YVONNE: If you can help us with our plans, we will let you stay here.

BLUEBRY: or you could put him on a rotisserie

XAVIAR: And if I don't agree?

YVONNE: We'll give you back to bu-

XAVIAR: Deal.

{Yvonne shakes xaviars wing. the screen fades out}

Fun facts

• If strong bad had one peach poker chip, he would merely have a quarter left over.
  • Likewise, Xaviar taking a black chip as payment would signal a hundred dollar fee.
• 'Bye bye, birdy' is a reference to Stuart Little.
• 8-D was chosen because it looks like an emoticon written down.
• The six of clubs is the lowest possible card that could be used for a high card.
• If marissa has been playing cards since the second grade, and she's been playing for seven years, Marissa would be in the eighth grade.