(even if you aren't vegan)
RiffText/MFT3K/The Adventures of Domo and T Pedo/cool
CHWOKA: Okay, Skub, I'm giving you plenty of forewarning here: The following is everything bad about Records of Bell and Bell Quest, but stripped of any intention of being read and enjoyed by other people. It switches between terrible concepts at a schizophrenic pace. It is probably intentionally bad, but it's unintentionally bad at being intentionally bad ANYWAY.
{Skub begins to preemptively dry heave, but Chwoka stops him.}
CHWOKA: However, I want you to refrain from vomiting as much as possible. Save some for the rest of us this time, okay?
SKUB: {swallowing a big load}BLUEBRY: THATS WHAT SHE DIDI'll... I'll try.
NOXIGAR: 4W Y34H, WH4T'S UP, R1FF3RS? 1'M R1FFGRL, 4ND 1'M H3R3 TO SHOW YOU TH4T GRLS C4N R1FF, TOO!-
NOXIGAR: I can't keep this up. Maybe Lex or Chaos can make a RiffGirl Rap, but I can't.
NOXIGAR: Although Chwoka earns brownie points for being nice to Skullbuggy with all these pointers EVEN THOUGH HE WAS PRESENT FOR BOTH BELL QUEST AND RECORDS OF BELL and PROBABLY GOT THE IMPRESSION YOU JUST GAVE HIM
DOMO: {is being carried by Lemon} OH GOD PLEASE DON'T LET ME GO TO AMERICA JAPAN IS MY HOME DAMNIT
SKUB: - Bellstrom
BLUEBRY: the animation is so weird and there isnt any cartoon sex
NACHOMAN: this became shitty faster than anything I've ever read
LEMON: Baby.
BLUEBRY: baby baby oooooooh
NOXIGAR: NO YOU DID NOT
NOXIGAR: Aaauuhhhhgghhhlllrrroooaaahhhhhh
{Cut to: America with T Pedo and Bell}
SKUB: Aww, what a cute couple!
IM A BELL: Look, I know you don't want to leave,
NACHOMAN: hahaha yeah right
but you're scaring our cats.
SKUB: "I mean, no other reasons. I'm certainly okay with you having sex with minors in my house!"
NOXIGAR: WH4T TH3 FUCK?
T PEDO: But-
CHWOKA: Butts are for horses!
{Bell roundhouse kicks T Pedo
SKUB: chunk norriss...........................
NOXIGAR: fucking incredible
onto the street in Japan where the airplane to America is.
CHWOKA: This is somehow worse than I remembered it being.
'Lemon and Domo are there}
DOMO: O HAI THAR.
{Skub gags a little bit.}
LEMON: Domo, I think your friend landed on my shoe. Anyways,
CHWOKA: nobody talks like this
NOXIGAR: That's not true. I do! Anyways,
who the hell are you?
CHWOKA: {sing-screaming} AAAAAAAAAA-WHO-THE-FUCK-AH-YOU
T PEDO: Oh hey! I'm Timothy Alvin Pedo.
CHWOKA: "But my friends call me 'creep'"
DOMO: HAY WANNA BE BEST FRIENDS FOREVER
SKUB: Which is definitely the right thing to say to a man who admits to you that he's a registered sex offender.
NOXIGAR: Or just inconveniently named as "a registered sex offender"
T PEDO: OKAY
DOMO: LAWL LET'S SHARE A SMOOTHIE
CHWOKA: This is what should replace waterboarding.
NOXIGAR: It's probably a good thing I still don't know what waterboarding is.
T PEDO: SORRY, I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM THE SMOOTHIE SHOP
SKUB: "ALSO ANY AND ALL PUBLIC SCHOOLS SO, UH, NOT A WHOLE LOT OF OPTIONS FOR ME"
DOMO: OKAY HAVE THIS INVISIBLE SUIT {puts an invisible suit on T Pedo, but it malfunctions and he can't take it off}
CHWOKA: errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
NACHOMAN: I think Chwoka's broken.
SKUB: Don't worry, it's happened before to me. I was a robot car at the time, but still.
NOXIGAR: errrrrrrr
AND PLUS THIS IS A JAPANESE SMOOTHIE SOP
CHWOKA: So, you weren't talking about the same smoothie shop he was banned from?
T PEDO: ...THEN WHY DID I NEED THE SUIT GET IT OFF I WANNA BE SEEN AT THE SOP
SKUB: Congratulations for consistency, I guess?
BLUEBRY: i actually laughed at this, no joke
DOMO: Why don't you just TAKE it off?
CHWOKA: 'Cause I want what I like and I like what I see—
SKUB: You're not f
SKUB: unny
NOXIGAR: I
NOXIGAR: agree
T PEDO: BECAUSE I LIKE YELLING
SKUB: Hahaha, really now?
{tries to pull the suit off}
CHWOKA: I'm sorry, we didn't order the Breakaway model, try pulling the zipper or something.
IT WON'T COME OFF AND OH GOD THERE'S A RAT IN IT
CHWOKA: Haha, enough joking around. Take off the suit.
NOXIGAR: OH WHO'S TH3 P3RV NOW, N1MROD?
LEMON: OH HOLY HELL
CHWOKA: No seriously, just take off the suit already.
{whacks the rat
NACHOMAN: lemon is a mob boss, whichever rat he says dies, dies.
but misses}
CHWOKA: Try anything that's not just yanking on it. Anything.
HOLD ON I'LL PUT SOME WATER ON YOU
CHWOKA: That doesn't count how would that even help. Come on, there's got to be a better way out! Just think! Use a knife or something that could actually help! It's like the characters read the premise and decided to just go with it.
BLUEBRY: hold up a sec i gotta put some water on my mouth
{throws some water, but it gets worse
SKUB: The Adventures of Domo and T Pedo: "but it gets worse"
NOXIGAR: MFT3K: Showing No Improvement On Reactions To Things Bell Makes After Having Dealt With Records Of Bell And Bell Quest.
and makes T Pedo fall into the water and drown}
CHWOKA: The water he just threw?
BLUEBRY: "then he died the end."
DOMO: HOLY ASS DIPPED IN DAMN ACID. {jumps into the water and does CPR on T Pedo}
T PEDO: BLARGH! {claws extend from the suit, and he starts scratching up Domo's face}
NACHOMAN: so um is anything happening other than two guys shouting
NOXIGAR: Not really.
NOXIGAR: That was kind of a stupid question.
DOMO: AHHHHH HOLY HELL IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THIS ROOM
CHWOKA: Is there a lawyer in tha house?
JAPANESE LADY: Watashi gozen ato dokutoru!
SKUB: Moe moe baby
DOMO: ONE THAT SPEAKS ENGLISH?
CHWOKA: "Hawkeye Pierce, at your service."
NOXIGAR: H3Y CH4OS, T4K3 SOM3 PO1NT3RS 4ND M4K3 4 CH4R4CT3R N4M3D H4WK3Y3 P13RC3.
IM A BELL:{mouth grows giant} WAIT! I CAN USE MAH MARY SUE POWERS! STICK THESE {pulls out two Babelfish}
CHWOKA: Fr-from where?
BLUEBRY: from mary sue
BABBLEFEYESH IN YOUR EARS.
SKUB: If there's one thing that unfunny nerds like it's DOUGLAS, ADAMS
NOXIGAR: Who's Douglas Adams?
NOXIGAR: I assume I fit in the category of "unfunny nerd"
NOXIGAR: I mean fuck I still roleplay as Namine occasionally in my dreams and do a bunch of other really dumb shit like continue to have a Kingdom Hearts-ish alias even though I stopped caring about the series as a whole.
DOMO: OKAY. {sticks them into his ears} SAY IT AGAIN.
CHWOKA: MAKE IT FUNKY, MAKE IT FUNKY, MAKE IT FUNKY
LADY: Watashi gozen ato dokutoru!
CHWOKA: Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.
DOMO: So you are a doctor?
CHWOKA: That's ridiculous, women can't be doctors! You must be the nurse, go find me a real doctor.
NOXIGAR: FUCK YOU SH3'S TH3 BOMB 4T 4NYTH1NG YOU C4N N44444444MMMMMMMM33333333
LADY: Sayou.
CHWOKA: ev'rybody sayou
EV'RYBODY: TWO!
CHWOKA: flash! two times!
GRANDMASTER FLASH: g-goodt, good times
DOMO: She said yes.
CHWOKA: We're getting married!!!
NOXIGAR: This. Is. Not. RECORDS OF BELLLLLLLL
So, since you are a docter,
CHWOKA: Docter, docter, give me the news, I got a bad case of spelling blues.
My friends drowning. DO CPR.
CHWOKA: Meanwhile, the Baywatch lifeguards are running to Pedo's rescue, off-screen, and have been running for the last 15 minutes.
BLUEBRY: "I sense a disturbance in glorious Nippon!~"
LADY: Watashi iyoku. {Leans onto T Pedo and does CPR}
DOMO: She said "I will".
NOID: that's one of my favorite radiohead songs
NOXIGAR: Woah when the hell did you show up?!
{takes out Bablefish}
SKUB: This dialogue is a mess. It's like I'm... Lost In Translation!!!!!
BILL MURRAY: hey guys 'sup
IM A BELL: Good.
NACHOMAN: no, trust me kid. nothing about this is good
NOXIGAR: An astute observation if ever there was one.
LEMON: I have a seahorse in America.
CHWOKA: I've heard of summer homes and bank accounts in other nations, but this is ridiculous!!!
Let's go before the plane leaves. {a plane to america with the American flag on it pulls in}
CHWOKA: But but but they were already in America
NACHOMAN: why do they capitalize America in one place and don't in another fuggin commies
Just on time. Let's go.
{they all walk in}
IM A BELL: ...Now what?
LEMON: Sit down, Captain Obvious.
{they sit down and enjoy some peanuts}
NACHOMAN: They all choke and die. The end.
{NachoMan gets up to leave but is sat back down by Skub. A single tear rolls down both of their cheeks}
NOXIGAR: Aww, only one tear? I was hoping to collect your tears and then drink them later when I resume taking Ibuprofen.
T PEDO: Wait, if I'm invisible, how did that doctor... Nevermind.
DOMO: Oh crap. She could have been making "sexy sex sex" if she missed. {shutter}
SKUB: Not sex!
CHWOKA: just for the shutterbuggs
Well, at least she was hot.
T PEDO: And asian.
NACHOMAN: as if a stupid baka western woman would be able to be hot
NOXIGAR: Oh NACHOMAN my kokoro is so goin doki doki every time YOU QUOTE SOMETHING EGREGIOUS I CAN FIND ON TUMBLR
{somehow wellfaces, even though he's invisible}
SKUB: Chwoka I know you asked me not to throw up but this is getting really hard. Not even halfway through this goddamn transcript and I already wanna dump stomach all over this theater floor.
CHWOKA: {shaking in rage, trying not to vomit himself} Conserrvation, Skub. Vomit is not a renewable resource.
{Chwoka dry heaves}
LEMON: Those girls are hot. YEAAAHH.
CHWOKA: WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THIS
LIL WAYNE: YEAH
NOXIGAR: L1L W4YN3 1S NOT 4 CHOOM WHY 4R3 YOU DO1NG TH1S
T PEDO: And everything's smaller in Asia.
BLUEBRY: ahahahahahaha
Therefore, nobody will make fun of your... I think you get my point.
SKUB: "My 2-inch when aroused point."
NOXIGAR: M3TR1C MOTH3RFUCK3R, DO YOU SP34K 1T?
{The airplane crashes}
CHWOKA: Minimalism!
T PEDO: ... {sarcastic} Well, THAT was an interesting crash.
SKUB: "WE'RE ALL DYING BACK HERE OH MY GODDDD"
NACHOMAN: "Well that's neat!"
SKUB: "OH MY GODDDDDD WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO EAT THESE OTHER PEOPLE TO SURVIVE"
NACHOMAN: "Neato!"
IM A BELL: Quiet, T Pedo! We ran out of lampshades
{Chwoka starts blinking really really really fast and staring at the word "lampshade"}
NOXIGAR: Lampshade. So Bell frequents TVTropes.
NOXIGAR: {at Bell} Dude, you can do better than this.
back when we were on the Island of Tropus!
CHWOKA: tropus of capricorn
BILL MURRAY: I went to the Island of Tropus once. Beautiful place, beautiful ladies. Anyway, when I got back I discovered I had accidentally left my talent behind, and that's how both the Garfield movies got made.
DOMO: ...How were we the only one on this plane?
CHWOKA: "Yes, I would like some plane tickets. I'll take all the ones on the left side, and all the ones on the right side. A private jet? Oh no, I don't think I have that kind of money.
BLUEBRY: you just got I N C E P T E D
NOXIGAR: I wish Inception was a better movie so the reference to it didn't sound dull when I read this aloud.
And how did we just land on an island?
CHWOKA: Because you crashed.
Wait... {reads plane} Plane to Amercia!?
CHWOKA: BUT IT SAID IN THE ACTION BRACKETS BUT IT SAID IN THE ACTION BRACKETS
Amercia must be the name of the island we're on OH CRAP IS THAT A SHARK
CHWOKA: {nasally} Land shark!
BILL MURRAY: That's it, I'm out of here.
{Bill Murray up and leaves.}
BLUEBRY: the shark that killed his partner
NOXIGAR: Why the hell did you throw Bill Murray into this riff?
NOXIGAR: Ugh, I thought Zarel Emails was the worst riff you guys did. I am wrong.
T PEDO: O DER.
NACHOMAN: rrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRR
BUT YOU ARE DOMO YOU CAN EAT THE SHARK WITH YOUR DOMO-MOUTH
CHWOKA: Or, in English, his Thank-mouth. Must come in handy around November.
DOMO: GOOD POINT GEET IN MAH BELLEH SHARK {eats shark in one bite}
T PEDO: BAWWWW WHY DIDN'T YOU SAVE SOME FOR ME I'M A DOMO-THING TOO APPARENTLY
BLUEBRY: yeah what are you?
DOMO: THERE'S ONE ON YOUR LEG. DIG IN.
T PEDO: ...THAT'S NOT MY LEG. ... {passes out}
CHWOKA: but they JUST MADE A SMALL PENIS JOKE come ONNNNNNNNNNN
NOXIGAR: They did? Well I sure as hell didn't see it.
{rimshot}
{The doctor lady rushes in and brings him to life}
T PEDO: ...GET THE GODDAMN SHARK OFF MY DI-
{passes out again}
NACHOMAN: haha he was going to say a dirty word that's the joke
LEMON: ...DAMNIT T PEDO THERE IS NO SHARK ANYWHERE ON YOUR BODY. IT'S LAYING NEXT TO YOU.
CHWOKA: but then why did he pass out
T PEDO: ...OH OKAY
CHWOKA: And now he's conscious again. This show... this fucking show...
DOMO: NOW DIG IN OR I'LL EAT IT.
T PEDO: OKAY, MOM {eats the shark, which looks really disturbing considering he's invisible}
{The island they're on explodes.
SKUB: "Our vacation to Bikini Atoll was, in retrospect, not very well timed."
NOXIGAR: Would it have been well timed at any time at all?
Domo, T pedo, Lemon, and Bell somehow survive.}
{Chwoka becomes an alcoholic, and starts coming home late, instead staying at the bar and wondering where it all went wrong as he cries into his Jack Daniels, but then he remembers this and cries even harder and beats his wife when he gets home.}
NOXIGAR: Holy shit Chwoka has a wife?
NOXIGAR: I instinctively feel bad for her.
T PEDO: OW... I GUESS
{Pan out to see a man with only one eye in his underwear dancing with some TNT}
BLUEBRY: i definitely saw this in a nyquil dream
MAN: WEEEEE
T PEDO: GO STICK THAT TNT UP YOUR ASS
CHWOKA: How do you even write this? This is... this is unholy.
NOXIGAR: I remember this "man with only one eye in his underwear" scene and can't help but L4UGH UNCONTROLLABLY.
DOMO: Who the hell are you talking to?
{The man disappears and music from Phantom of the Opera plays}
T PEDO: ...BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
BLUEBRY: ERIK FORCES CHRISTINE TO MARRY HIM OR HE'LL BLOW UP THE THEATER, SHE KISSES HIM TO STOP HIS PLOT AND HE BECOMES OVERWHELMED WITH EMOTION AT HIS FIRST KISS AND LETS HER GO
BLUEBRY: spoiler alert ^^^
NOXIGAR: It's a good thing I have seen Phantom of the Opera and thusly don't care that it's a spoiler.
NOXIGAR: Thanks for the alert, though.
{Michael Myers comes out of nowhere}
CHWOKA: "Hey guys, I've been culturally irrelevant since Austin Powers!"
BLUEBRY: chwoka he's talking about the person from the halloween movies. but youre onto something...
MICHAEL MYERS: ... Hey guys. I'm here to kill... {looks at card} Timothy Alvin Pedo, is it?
{T Pedo walks behind Michael Myers and is unseen because he's invisible}
T PEDO: SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
BLUEBRY: LONG LIVE THE GLORIOUS SOUTH
NACHOMAN: {unenthusiastically} texas hell yeah
{pulls out a butcher knife, starts hacking Michael Myers into pieces}
CHWOKA: what the FUCK
NOXIGAR: I'm still laughing my 4SS off at this scene.
{Freddy Krueger comes out of nowhere}
T PEDO: ...I'M NOT A CHILDRENS AND I'M AWAKE HAHAHA YOU CAN'T KILL ME
FREDDY: ... AW DAMNIT. {Warps away}
CHWOKA: Okay, at this point I've just given up on riffing. Seriously, what the FUCK?
NOXIGAR: YOUR S4DN3SS F33DS M3
NOXIGAR: {cackles madly}
NOXIGAR: GO B3LL GO. CONT1NU3 TH1S 4W3SOM3 1NT3NT1ON4L 4WFULN3SS.
{Jason Voorhees comes in}
T PEDO: GO BACK TO YOUR LAKE, VOORHEES.
{A single tear drops down Jason's face.
SKUB: He only wanted to go to prom with you! Way to break his heart.
He disappears. Leatherface appears}
T PEDO: ...You know your chainsaw is on fire, right?
LEATHERFACE: ...Is this the Evilcon? I heard Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger, and Michael Myers would be here.
T PEDO: ...Oh. Sorry, I thought they were trying to kill me. Umm... {points to the pile of body parts} That's what's left of Myers. I scared the other two off.
LEATHERFACE: HI MICHAEL HI MICHAEL
REMAINS OF MICHAEL MYERS: GET OUT OF HERE BACKSEAT KILLER.
CHWOKA: He's like a backseat driver, always telling him when, where, and how to slice up his victims.
{Leatherface warps away and Domo feeds Michael Myers to that crazy man}
LEMON: AHAHA NICE GOING DOMO
CHWOKA: "HIGH FIVE BROSKIHEIMS"
NOXIGAR: What's a Broskiheims?
T PEDO: I'D WELLFACE BUT MY HEAD APPEARS TO HAVE IMPLODED
SKUB: There is no way. There is no way I can get through this goddamn episode.
DOMO: HEY LOOK IT'S A SUPER POWERED TRAMPOLINETM AND A PLANE RIGHT OVER IT. SHOULD WE JUMP, MACINTOSH?
{Domo pulls out a Macintosh computer labeled "Big Mac" and hugs it}
BLUEBRY: "Do you guys want to see pictures of my fixie"
NOXIGAR: What the hell is a fixie?
IM A BELL: BLAAAGH MACS {pulls out an axe, chops up the Mac}
SKUB: That bracketed action sounds like the beginning to a sweet freestyle rap.
CHWOKA: Pull out the axe, chop up the Mac, smokin up the crack cuz I got big stacks.
BLUEBRY: word
LEMON: OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED BIG MAC!
{Domo pulls out an invincible Macintosh also labeled Big Mac}
IM A BELL: BLAAAGH INVISIBLE MACS {pulls out an invisible axe, chops up the invisible Mac}
CHWOKA: Well, at least it isn't "unseeable."
NOXIGAR: Yup.
LEMON: ... IT WAS INVINCIBLE NOT INVISIBLE YOU IDIOT.
IM A BELL: ...BLAAAGH INVINCIBLE MACS {pulls out an axe that can destroy anything and attempts to chop up the invincible Mac.}
SKUB: I feel like repetition is the comedic strategy that the makers of DomoPedo are banking on. Unfortunately, they were wrong and it was terrible.
CHWOKA: What happens when the unstoppable force meets the immovable object? Who cares?
NOXIGAR: I am the immovable object trying to wall off my unstoppable force
{THE ALMIGHTY APOCALYPSE occurs.
CHWOKA: IT'S ARMAGEDDON AND BELL WAS SPARED FROM THE RAPTURE
NOXIGAR: Unfortunately, so were you.
Domo, T Pedo, Lemon, and Bell crawl into a secret chamber labeled "APOCALYPSE SAFTEY! hidden in sand and dust.}
CHWOKA: It's not actually hidden in sand and dust, it's just written on the door that it is.
IM A BELL: HEY I HAVE AN IDEA. {pulls out a calculator, types in "80085". it looks like "BOOBS".
SKUB: The characters die in the fiery explosion of the Apocalypse, their final thoughts being how bitchin' that BOOBS thing was.}
NOXIGAR: Skullbuggy dies in the fiery explosion of the Apocalypse, his final thoughts being how bitchin' his joke about the other characters was
T Pedo can fly now}
CHWOKA: wh
CHWOKA: wh
LEMON: BOOBS.
T PEDO: BOOBS.
DOMO: BOOBS.
IM A BELL: ...BOOBS DAMNIT.
{Everyone grows boobs}
SKUB: W-what
CHWOKA: THE ADVENTURES OF DOMO AND T PEDO: "W-what"
NOXIGAR: WWH4T
T PEDO: ...DAAAAAAANG.
DOMO: ...LOOK AT THOSE HONKERS ON T PEDO. Oh wait he's invisible.
CHWOKA: WHY CAN'T THIS SHOW CARRY INTERNAL LOGIC FOR ONE SPLIT SECOND
NOXIGAR: Why do you expect Bell to have internal logic in this work?
NOXIGAR: After Records of Bell I think you pushed him over the edge.
NOXIGAR: But seriously give me more tears so I can put them in a bottle to drink later.
Carry on. HEY BELL CHECK IF THE APOCALYPSE IS OVER AFTER 5 SECONDS.
NACHOMAN: wow. I literally have nothing to say about any of this. I'm just staring blankly as I scroll down the page waiting for something to jump out at me, and nothing does. it's all just the same random wacky humor in all caps, and apparently it's trying to be bad on purpose, but it's just BAD. like, I am seriously getting a headache right now. Even shit like Spirit, where it was long as hell and Japany and stupid and cliche, at least there was stuff to make fun of!
CHWOKA: Nacho, you're rambli--
NACHOMAN: riffing on this is like, it's like picking on a retard. I just-- I, what is this supposed to be? What is happening here? Did they really think any of this stuff was funny? I mean they must have, but god! Holy I mean my god jesus this is sickeningly awful.
NACHOMAN: I... I don't know if I can go on with this. You know what I would rather do than read this? I would rather have every single piece of literature I ever read from now on be horrible furry scat porn. I would rather lose my ability to comprehend written text. I would sacrifice a newborn child if it meant that horrible writing like this would never be allowed to exist. Okay, I... I'm done. Continue.
IM A BELL: Umm... {walks out, comes back in with his head charred} Nope. It's still goin' on.
CHWOKA: There's A Riot Goin' On
DOMO: ... We'll be in here for a while.
CHWOKA: Hey, speaking of, if there on a deserted island, why is there an underground shelter?
NOXIGAR: The people in the underground shelter eventually ran out of food and starved to death.
So we should put stuff in it.
{A Pacman machine, an HD TV, a shrine dedicated to Domo III (1852-1901 we will never forget), an infinite amount of pies in a pantry, and an EAIaEASS (Emergency Apocalypse Inside an Emergency Apocalypse Shelter Shelter) appear.}
SKUB: "Thank God Brookstone was still open!"
T PEDO: Why would we need a-
{A spider drops down from the ceiling. Its mouth grows huge, and many, many 
s spew out of it}
SKUB:
SKUB:
SKUB:
SKUB:
SKUB:
SKUB:
SKUB:aaaaaaaaaa
NOXIGAR: I found it funny if only because your reaction is priceless.
IM A BELL: OH GOD
LEMON: QUICK! INTO THE EMERGENCY APOCALYPSE INSIDE AN EMERGENCY APOCALYPSE SHELTER SHELTER!
CHWOKA: This is exactly how they would say it on Bonus Stage. Just throwing that out there.
NOXIGAR: But I don't know what Bonus Stage is.
{They run into the shelter. Every piece of furniture from the other shelter is in here and there are no spiders
SKUB: that aren't hungry for the flesh of sinners
.}
IM A BELL: ...Please tell me there isn't a Emergency Apocalypse Inside An Emergency Apocalypse Inside An Emergency Apocalypse Shelter Shelter Shelter.
DOMO: Hm... {looks down for a second} Yes.
CHWOKA: "Damn it, Domo, is Bell gonna have to slap a bitch up again?
IM A BELL: Urgh. I hope we don't have to use it.
{A hurricane starts.
CHWOKA: ...inside. Okay, just go wtih it. Whatever.
They climb into the shelter. It looks just like the other ones, minus the spider and hurricanes.}
IM A BELL: ...I shouldn't mention the Emergency Apocalypse Inside An Emergency Apocalypse Inside An Emergency Apocalypse Inside An Emergency Apocalypse Shelter Shelter Shelter Shelter, but I will. {wellfaces}
SKUB: Repetition is the most sophisticated form of comedy there is.
SKUB: THE ACTION NEVER S
CHWOKA: Truly, the next Catch-22 or Arrested Development.
NOXIGAR: Perhaps I should try to stomach Arrested Development for the third time I've sojourned it on Netflix for about five seconds.
{A cage falls out of the sky, onto Im a bell.
CHWOKA: ...inside. There's a sky, inside, three basement levels dowm, when the first one shouldn't exist in the first place, because it's on a deserted island nobody's ever been on before. It's like this story was written by the guy from Memento and he can't look back at what he's already written, so he has to keep placing reminders about where the characters are and what they're doing or else he'll forget ande move onto something entirely different. Deep breathes, self, deep breathes... Okay, let's move on.
NOXIGAR: Chwoka, you're rambli-
Domo then pulls out Big Mac the Macintosh Computer and turns him on.
CHWOKA: BUT THEY DESTROYED THAT TWICE. I WILL MURDER YOU. I WILL MURDER YOU. I WILL MURDER YOU WITH A RUSTY KNIFE THAT I'VE ALREADY USED TO MURDER YOU WITH. THEY WILL HAVE TO CONVICT ME OF DOUBLE HOMICIDE WHEN I'M DONE WITH JUST YOU.
NOXIGAR: Domo's phrasing's hilarious. But this reaction is priceless.
Various clicking sounds are heard. Soon, Domo springs up.}
DOMO: ...THE APOCALYPSE IS OVER AFTER AN HOUR.
BLUEBRY: "THATS WHAT IT SAYS ON MY NEWSFEED AT LEAST"
YAY. ... Now how do we get up, Big Mac?
BIG MAC: {robotic voice} Well, you can use your boobs to make the hurricane and spider distracted.
SKUB: I honestly thought that breasts were for, you know, sustaining infant health through the passing of vital nutrients and fat, but no I guess they're for inclement weather and insect distraction.
DOMO: YOU RULE. {turns off Big Mac the Macintosh Computer and takes Bell out of the cage. Everyone's boobs grow.
CHWOKA: HOW
NOXIGAR: Everyone has boobs grow.
They put on attractive wigs and go of the shelter and out of the shelter and out of the shelter, unharmed. The Apocalypse is now over. Yay.}
IM A BELL: ...WHY DO I STILL HAVE BOOBS
SKUB: Please say it's all just a dream and the whole thing is inside a snowglobe and the entire show is just a product of some autistic kid's stirring thoughts.
CHWOKA: Well, Bell's basically fufilling the roles of Sarah AND Bell at the same time. Now that's efficency!
NOXIGAR: I could show you the product of an autistic kid's stirring thoughts.
NOXIGAR: My Tumblr blog is said product.
{The island somehow regrows. A plain for America
CHWOKA: Ah yes, the rolling American midwestern plains. I refuse to believe this makes any less sense than the entirety of midwestern America pulling onto an island.
pulls in. They get on. After the plain is blocked by clouds,
CHWOKA: See? Clearly not a typo. They spelled it the same twice.
it fades to T Pedo and Bell's house. Domo, Lemon, Bell, and T Pedo walk in. T Pedo picks up some mail saying "TO T PEDO, FROM PEDOBEAR (YOUR COUSIN)". T Pedo opens it and reads it out loud.}
T PEDO: "DEAR T PEDO, HOW HAVE YOU BEEN? I AM FINE. I HAVE KIDNAPPED MANY SMALL CHILDREN. PLEASE DO NOT CALL THE POLICE. -PB".
SKUB: Oh you!!!
CHWOKA: Woop woop
BLUEBRY: that's tha sound of tha police
CHWOKA: Woop woop
BLUEBRY: that's tha sound of tha beast
{Lemon pulls out a cell phone.
CHWOKA: Why didn't he use that when he was on the island?
SKUB: Chwoka, you really need to stop expecting things to make any sense at all from line-to-line.
NOXIGAR: I actually like Chwoka's expectations, thank you very much.
T Pedo knocks it out of his hands.}
T PEDO: HE SAID DON'T DAMMIT
HARUHI SUZUMIYA: Domo, I am your father.
SKUB: See what I mean, Chwoka? No sense at all.
ICHIGO KUROSAKI: And I am your mother.
NARUTO UZUMAKI: And I am your cousin.
DOMO: O RLY?
EVERYONE: YA RLY!
CHWOKA: Can I have it like that?
NACHOMAN: You got it like that.
{Noxigar proceeds to follow NachoMan's Tumblr.}
T PEDO: NO WAI
{Pan out to heaven. Chuck Norris wellfaces. Everyone laughs.}
SKUB: That's literally one of the most vile things I've ever read.
CHWOKA: THE ADVENTURES OF DOMO AND T PEDO: "Literally one of the most vile things I've ever read."
T PEDO: ...That's not funny.
{Chuck Norris starts crying.}
DOMO: WHY CAN'T WE STOP LAUGHING AHAHAHAHA
ICHIGO:
CHWOKA: My name is Ichigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to bleeeuaugh.
Can I kill you?
DOMO: ...NOT ME KILL THAT DALEK.
{Ichigo rushes off and kills a Dalek.}
HARUHI: As it turns out, we were lying.
CHWOKA: About what? Make SENSE, show! Make SENSE!
'{rips skin off, revealing a large snake}
BLUEBRY: finally, the reptilian conspiracy revealed. now go back to your snake-mother.
{Boss music plays. Domo hits the Snake (I'm calling it Snakezon H4R0H1)
CHWOKA: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3
NOXIGAR: OH SH1T 1 4M TH3 PUPP3TM4ST3R, GUYS.
with a giant sword.}
SKUB: It's like my favorite video games~
DOMO: You go girl!
CHWOKA: Can I have it like that?
NACHOMAN: You got it like that.
NOXIGAR: Can I have it like that?
NOXIGAR: You got it like that.
{Pause}
DOMO: ... UM WHAT WHY DID I SAY THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO
{Snakezon H4R0H1 summons a Playboy bunny and kisses him.
CHWOKA: ...him? Do these people know what a Playboy bunny is?
SKUB: A note to our readers: Please do not answer that.
NOXIGAR: A Playboy bunny is- DAMN IT, SKULLBUGGY! I was perfectly willing to explain what a Playboy bunny was!
Kisses fly around the room. One hits Bell, costing 10 damage.}
SNAKEZON H4R0H1: You suck Domo!
{T Pedo uses WELLFACE ATTACK. Critical Hit! -50 damage!}
T PEDO: A-iggght!
CHWOKA: {fonz} Eyyyyyyyy!
{Snakezon H4R0H1 uses IT'S A TRAP on Lemon! SUPER AFFECTIVE!
CHWOKA: i have super affective disorder
-200 damage! Lemon is knocked out!}
CHWOKA: I'M GONNA KNOCK YOU OUT! MAMA SAID KNOCK YOU OUT!
SNAKEZON: Yay!
LEMON: Wh-whyyyy m-m-meeee...
{Domo uses Y SO SRS
{Chwoka and Skub simultaneously vomit, then look at each other.}
CHWOKA: Okay... just that once.
on Snakezon! Super affective! -100 damage! Snakezon is struggling!}
DOMO: Yee-haw!
{T pedo uses MORE THAN JUST A PIECE OF GUM!
CHWOKA: I don't even get this.
Knock-out! -900 damage! Snakezon is PURE DEAD!
CHWOKA: {Dave Foley} Pure evil. PURE... Evil.
Fade out to a stage. T pedo is probably there, but we don't know because he's invisible.}
T PEDO: This song...
Was made by MEEEE...
I star on this show...
Along with DOMO, LEMON, AND BELLLL...
Yes we do, on a SHOW PRODUCED BY THE SOS BRIGADE!
CHWOKA: Is that what Bellon is calling themselves now?
NOXIGAR: I forgot what the "SOS" in SOS Brigade stood for. Can someone remind me?
Cue epic guitar solo HEEE-EEER!
Oh, and, Pedobear is referenced SOMETIMES....
Yes he does...
YEEEEAH!
I'll go munching on a Philly Burger pretty soon...
We are the champions... of the world!
Oh also, directed by Marc Summers!
Fuh-hen! FIN!
SKUB: I need a cold shower.
NOXIGAR: I need to find a different song to play on repeat whilst I riff the next two episodes of this trainwreck at riffing.
