(even if you aren't vegan)
RiffText/JCM-MOVIES/17
In the series finale of JCMovies, the characters go on a Star Wars-like adventure, only without the space setting, or the plot, or, really, anything else.
NAMINE: This is it.
NAMINE: I'm going to finally find out why Noxigar likes this so much.
Contents
Episode IV: A Lost Hope
{We start at a low-lit shot of JCM sitting by himself.}
JCM: It all started from an idea.
NAMINE: An idea that, while it had potential, didn't realize it until a good ways through the series.
{JCM looks up. It is revealed he is wearing glasses.}
JCM: An idea about a school dedicated to works by a fan community, hence the name "Homestar Runner Fanstuff School".
{Cut to a shot of JCM's mouth.}
JCM: If only they knew what it would become.
NAMINE: A poor representation of the Homestar Runner Fanstuff School?
{Cut back to the full body shot.}
JCM: If only...
{Fade to black.}
{Cut to a flashback of JCMovies #9. JCM watches the Homestar Runner Fanstuff School melt to a crisp.}
NAMINE: CONTINUITY
{Cut back to the dark room.}
JCM: I've seen things.
{Cut to a close up of JCM's eyes as he takes off his glasses.}
JCM: {raises eyebrow} I've seen them with my eyes.
{Cut back to the full body shot.}
JCM: I've seen countless flashbacks, fairly large exterminators, boy bands, sock puppets, blown up houses, falling cliffs, treasure maps, talking chimps, email shows, boarding schools, I don't even, student schools, presidential campaigns, theivery, school fights, police stations, something else, scary black men...
NAMINE: Something about that last part isn't very... settling.
{Suddenly, upbeat music starts playing and the lights turn on to reveal the entire cast of JCMovies. Slowly zoom in to JCM.}
JCM: Joshua, Shwoo, Thatkidsam, Super Sam, Clamburger, Ekul, Chwoka, H*Bad, Shadow Scythe, Bluebry, Vindicator, Eric, Ryan Bluefox, Sephiroth, Znex, Chaos, Im a bell, SkullBuggy, Zoo, Strong Intelligent, The Mu, Badstar, TheStick, Kirbychu, TheCheese, Homsar44WithPie, Nachoman, Sam the Man, Tahu, Color Printer, Homfrog, The Noid, TheDenzel, X On Fire, KickCheat, Dinoshaur, JoeyDay, It's dot com, Loafing, DorianGray, Heimstern Läufer, Dr. Haggis, Lunar Jesters, me, me, and me!
{Zoom back out to reveal the rest of the cast on the ground sleeping as the words "JCMovies" and "Like never before" fly onscreen. After a few seconds, the lights turn back off and JCM puts back on his glasses.}
JCM: The Homestar Runner Fanstuff School was successful. It was successful until a certain student by the name of JCM joined the action.
NAMINE: Wait, so you're blaming yourself?
{Cut to a shot of JCM's mouth.}
JCM: Then everything went downhill.
{Cut back to the full body shot.}
JCM: The school was peaceful before then. There were no cliques or quality problems.
NAMINE: Yeah, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that's a damnable lie.
It was thriving.
{Cut to the Homestar Runner Fanstuff School in it's original state. A car drives by. JCM walks out.}
JCM: The Homestar Runner Fanstuff School? It sounds like a great place to release my creativity!
{JCM skips into the school and is stopped by Chwoka, looking at him deep in the eyes sternly then breaking out laughing.}
CHWOKA: Hi there! Don't mind what I just did. It's a joke with all newcomers.
NAMINE: Excellent! A good representation of Chwoka!
JCM: {laughs} Good one!
CHWOKA: I hope you like it here. We're a lot more relaxed than our sister school.
JCM: Yeah, I was at there recently. A little too professional for my tastes.
CHWOKA: Well, you don't have to worry about all that here! As long as you have a pencil and paper, you can do whatever you like!
CHORUS: {singing to the tune of T.I.'s Whatever You Like} I said you can do whatever you like, you like. Yeah, yeah.
NAMINE: That reference wasn't needed.
CHWOKA: {looks around} Yeah, I don't know where that came from, but you got the point. See you later!
JCM: Bye!
{Chwoka walks off and JCM gets his locker set up.}
JCM: Man, this is going to be a great day!
{Cut to Shwoo's classroom.}
SHWOO: I'd like to welcome you all to our new student, JCM!
STUDENT: Hello, JCM.
JCM: Hi, everyone, I'd just like to give a small speech before joining the tens of people at this school in our goal of being the greatest source of Homestar-related fanstuff in the world!
SHWOO: I'd hate to interrupt you, but we're kind of the only source of Homestar-related fanstuff in the world.
JCM: Oh. Well, my original point still stands!
SHWOO: What original point?
JCM: {pauses} I'll...sit down now.
SHWOO: OK, now let's start!
{Everyone around JCM starts drawing. JCM eyes move nervously as he gets his pencil, which slips out of his sweaty hands, causing a big struggle as he tries to grab his pencil in the air.}
JCM: Got it!
{Everyone stares at JCM.}
JCM: Sor-sorry.
{JCM puts his pencil to his paper as the hands of the clock behind him speed up until it settles on 11:55.}
SHWOO: {offscreen} Class is almost over. Let's see each and every individual's drawing now.
{JCM's eyes widen as he looks at his blank paper and quickly scribbles something.}
SHWOO: JCM, hold up your paper like the rest of the class.
{Zoom out to reveal that everyone is holding up artistic imitations of various Homestar characters.}
JCM: Yes, ma'am.
{JCM holds up a crudely pencil-drawn Homsar as the rest of the class bursts into laughter.}
SHWOO: JCM, I must admit that picture looks like a complete joke. You've chosen a character as minor as Homsar, something never done before.
NAMINE: Last I checked, Homsar was actually one of the most popular characters to be used in various fanstuff.
NAMINE: Don't get me wrong, this scene is a lot better than I thought it would be. It's just this minor slip-up which makes it rather dull in retrospect.
JCM: {chuckles} Oh, I thought you were laughing at my 10-second hamster on a keyboard.
SHWOO: Now, JCM, we believe in complete and total freedom. Unless, of course, you use an obscure source, then you'll be ridiculed.
NAMINE: And then this line, whilst not serious at all, is wanting in funny.
JCM: I understand.
{The bell rings and everyone leaves. JCM comes out last.}
JCM: Man, there sure are a lot of things to learn. Good thing we're in a school!
{Namine makes a rimshot noise.}
{JCM laughs as he goes into the cafeteria, picks up a tray, and goes into the line.}
JCM: What do you have, lunch lady?
LUNCH MAN: {offscreen, annoyed} Didn't we already go through this?
NAMINE: Yep. You actually started around Episode 5 when you had a terrible pun involving chili dogs.
JCM: No, this is my first day.
LUNCH MAN: Whatever. We have meatloaf special today.
JCM: Sounds delicious!
LUNCH MAN: Well, then, I'm sorry to inform you that you will be very disappointed.
{The lunch man's big hand comes onscreen and drops the meatload special onto JCM's plate.}
JCM: Thank you!
{The lunch man groans as JCM skips off.}
LUNCH MAN: I need a new job.
NAMINE: How is a teenager being grateful warranting you "needing" a new job?
{JCM is walking to a table when Eric comes up and stops him.}
ERIC: Hey, you, give me your lunch money.
NAMINE: What? This is nothing like Eric's personality!
JCM: But lunch here is free. When I asked about it, the teachers said something about a compromise with a health inspector.
{Eric lowers his sunglasses, evaluates JCM for a few seconds, then raises them again.}
ERIC: Good job, you passed the test!
JCM: Test?
ERIC: Yeah, we see how long the newcomers will survive before we invite them to our table.
NAMINE: Yeah, I'm dumbfounded by JCM's narrative now.
JCM: But there's just one big table in the middle of the cafeteria.
ERIC: I meant our section of the table.
JCM: Oh! Well, I'd be a fool not to take this opportunity!
NAMINE: Indeed you would be a fool.
{JCM and Eric walk to two empty seats at the table. Chwoka and Skullbuggy are in front of them.}
ERIC: Hey guys, meet our newest member.
CHWOKA: Hey there! Glad you're fitting in!
JCM: Thanks!
{Zoom out to reveal everyone else at the table congratulating JCM.}
NACHOMAN: Welcome to the club!
NAMINE: Something about this "nice" portrayal of Chwoka and co. is going to throw me off in a scene or two, isn't it?
THECHEESE: Yeah!
BLUEBRY: That seat has been empty for a while.
JCM: Man, I didn't know this was such a big club!
CHWOKA: Yeah, and it's secret, so don't tell anyone.
JCM: Tell anyone about what?
{Everyone laughs.}
NOID: You'll fit in just fine!
JCM: {chuckles} But seriously, what?
{Cut to Super Sam's class.}
NAMINE: Have I reminded you that this is a school lately?
SUPER SAM: OK, class. You will now write fanfictions, which we will later on take to Mr. Joshua for typing.
{JCM raises his hand.}
SUPER SAM: Yes, JCM?
JCM: Will we have to write a fanfiction?
SUPER SAM: No, you can sleep the entire class and get me fired.
JCM: Really?
SUPER SAM: No, you have to write a fanfiction. Now get to work.
NAMINE: That scene totally wasn't forced. Nope. Not forced at. all.
{Everyone around JCM starts writing and JCM eventually starts himself. After a few seconds, his pencil breaks. He raises his hand.}
JCM: Mr. Sam, can I sharpen my pencil?
SUPER SAM: Sure.
{JCM walks to the electric pencil sharpener and carefully puts the pencil in the hole. Nothing happens, so he takes it back out and forcefully shoves it in the hole, causing the eledtric
NAMINE: electric
sharpener and the pencil to fly through the wall.}
JCM: Oh dear.
{JCM looks at Super Sam, who is too busy reading a magazine with a woman in a large dress showing is her shin on the cover to notice. JCM takes a pen out of his pocket and returns to his seat.}
JCM: This'll work!
{The hands of the clock speed up as before until it settles on 2:55.}
SUPER SAM: Alright, guys, hold em up.
{Everyone holds up decorated fan fictions in Old English-handwriting, except JCM, who's fan fiction is covered with pen marks.}
SUPER SAM: JCM, do you even know what you wrote?
JCM: Not really.
SUPER SAM: I see. Well, I guess we can go the computer lab now anyway.
{Everyone leaves the classroom except JCM, whose paper flies out of the window and is subsequently eaten by birds.}
NAMINE: And this scene takes a nosedive in quality not long after. I really need to stop getting my hopes up. Oh well, this is definitely better than all of the other episodes of JCMovies already.
JCM: Aw, those birds are so cute. I'm going to miss my paper, though.
SUPER SAM: Eh, you win some, you lose some. Come on, mate, the day's almost over.
{Super Sam and JCM walk out of the room.}
{Cut to outside of the school. JCM walks out with a computer smashed through him.}
JCM: Man, my first day and I'm already getting Halloween costumes!
NAMINE: Is his incredibly naive nature supposed to be funny? I'm more confused than anything else.
{Joshua comes out of the school and shakes his head at JCM.}
JOSHUA: I have no idea how you could turn an entire school against you in 30 minutes.
JCM: I don't have an idea either. Maybe if you told me what I was pitching for, it would help.
JOSHUA: You not only cleared off the entire school's servers, you got it infected with cockroaches, blacked out, and closed due to a pandemic all on the first day.
NAMINE: Too unrealistic; make your protagonist less of a screw-up, please!
JCM: Oh! Yeah, I almost forgot that. Do you think I'll be forgiven?
{Dinoshaur walks out with a bag dripping puke.}
DINOSHAUR: {coughs} Don't count on it.
{The rest of the kids come out of the school with similar pukes bags and, with Dinoshaur, throw tissues at JCM.}
JCM: Yay! I'm being covered with gifts of gratitude! Who would've known that my seeming mistakes actually helped the school?
VINDICATOR: JCM, are you mental? You've destroyed the school and will be known for that and only that.
NAMINE: 17 episodes and JCM's still a basket case. Where's character development when you need it?
{Thatkidsam walks onscreen with a mop.}
THATKIDSAM: I'm just angry at the person who cast me as the janitor.
JCM: Oh, that was me.
THATKIDSAM: Well, in that case.
{Thatkidsam throws a tissue at JCM and walks offscreen.}
NAMINE: I don't really get the whole tissue thing. Did people blow their noses in them? Or what?
JOSHUA: Well, school's going to continue next week. Hopefully, you'll be alive by then.
{Everyone walks away with Joshua angrily.}
JCM: Bye, guys! Man, I'm going to love it here.
{Cut back to the low-lit room. JCM starts to cry.}
CHWOKA: {offscreen} Oh, stop bawwing.
JCM: {turns} What are you doing here?
{The light turns back on to reveal Chwoka standing in the doorway.}
CHWOKA: I decided to drop by when I was learning you were making me look like a complete idiot.
JCM: You have no prevalence in this episode!
NAMINE: A lie more blatant than any this episode or the previous have told.
CHWOKA: I very well do! As you'd have seen in the Choom Act of Now.
JCM: Choom Act of Now?
CHWOKA: Yeah, don't you watch the news? Nowadays, we just give a bill to the president and he signs it, no questions asked.
JCM: I see. Well, I'm not going to abide by this so-called Choom Act.
NAMINE: That... isn't helping your case here.
CHWOKA: That's the "Choom Act of Now", thank you very much.
JCM: I get it.
CHWOKA: Now, that flashback you had is totally inaccurate. We were never anything close to friends.
NAMINE: Hm, no wonder!
JCM: I'm pretty sure I'd remember my first day of school.
CHWOKA: Why? Because you're smart now? You're just as ignorant as your old self, just admit it!
JCM: I...have nothing to admit. And you'd have to be ignorant to consider me ignorant.
CHWOKA: I don't like you, never did like you, and never will like you. Stop trying to change that.
JCM: I get you're embarrassed with your past, but you were just as cheerful as I was.
{Chwoka grabs his chest, gasps, and falls backwards.}
JCM: Very funny.
{Chwoka jumps back up, flies to JCM, and puts his finger in JCM's face.}
CHWOKA: I swear to you, this will be the last time you talk that way to me ever again.
JCM: Oh, I'm so scared.
{Chwoka stomps out of the doorway and JCM smiles slightly.}
JCM: Who would have known that defeating your Wiki City time enemy-that-you-didn't-know-was-you-enemy-until-you-developed-a-brain would feel so good?
NAMINE: The one-sided action never EVER stops
{JCM returns to his old frowning face.}
JCM: Now, back to business. Joshua has been kidnapped by an unknown entity and I need to figure out who.
{Thatkidsam walks into the room.}
THATKIDSAM: What are you doing in my closet?
NAMINE: "I was about to put on some R. Kelly music to make an inappropriately-placed reference! That's a thing JCMovies still does, right?"
JCM: Thinking.
THATKIDSAM: Oh, well, I have work to do, you can you kindly get out?
JCM: Sure.
{JCM walks out of the room as a tissue is thrown to the back of his head from offscreen.}
JCM: Hey! What was that for?
THATKIDSAM: {offscreen} I still hate you for casting me as the janitor!
JCM: It was a year ago!
THATKIDSAM: Tell my dirty roach-poisoned hands that.
{Cut to a close-up of Thatkidsam's hands to reveal its disturbing nature. A bloody scream is heard in the background.}
JCM: Gah!
{JCM runs away.}
THATKIDSAM: Yeah, run! Run like the rest of them! I have your IP address!
{Cut to the outside of the local mall.
NAMINE: They have a mall?
JCM walks to the door, sits down, and puts his head in his hands.}
JCM: JCM, what did you do? What did you do to make me so dedicated to this case? I-
{Suddenly, a man taps JCM on the shoulder. JCM looks up.}
MAN: Say, do you know where the bathroom is?
JCM: {points} Right that way!
MAN: Thanks!
{The man runs offscreen and JCM thinks.}
JCM: Bathroom? Why do I have the feeling that word is important?
{Cut to a flashback of JCMovies #15. JCM runs down a street.}
NAMINE: CONTINUITY
JCM: The Thnikkaman! The Thnikkaman!
{He bumps into the silhouette with the wagon.}
SILHOUETTE: {deep voice} Watch where you're going!
JCM: Sorry, mister. You need help with the bag?
SILHOUETTE: NO! I mean, it's not that much of a problem. Thanks, though.
{JCM backs out the way and the silhouette continues on his way.}
JCM: {waves} Bye!
{Suddenly, zoom into JCM's head.}
JCM: {thinking} I wonder why he smells like toilet. Hey, maybe I just met a real-life hobo! I can't wait to tell all my family and friends I met someone that lives in the bathroom!
NAMINE: I thought JCM developed a brain? Why the sudden character regression?
{Zoom back out as JCM runs home.}
{Cut back to the mall in the present.}
JCM: The bathroom! Of course!
{JCM stands up as the man from before the flashback walks back onscreen.}
MAN: Do I want to know?
JCM: No. No, you don't.
{The man walks offscreen as JCM goes the other way.}
JCM: I can't wait to tell the police what I found out!
{Cut to the police station. JCM walks in.}
NAMINE: How many nods to the past are we going to have in this part of the episode?
JCM: Agent Seethroo?
SEETHROO: Yes?
JCM: I have some important information to share.
SEETHROO: Well, spit it out!
JCM: When I bumped into Joshua's kidnapper, I remember he smelled like toilet water.
SEETHROO: ...toilet water?
JCM: Yes.
SEETHROO: {scratches head} Wow, that's, um, something. So now all we need to do is ask every house in the city if the residents saw someone suspicious walk out of their bathroom. Thanks.
JCM: I know you're not being serious.
SEETHROO: Well, I'm sorry, but what do you expect me to do with that kind of information?
JCM: I don't know, take note of it or something. I'm not the agent here.
SEETHROO: Oh, you want me to take note of it? You want me to take note of it?
{Agent Seethroo gets out his notepad and writes what JCM said down.}
SEETHROO: "Smelled...like...toilet...water." There! I wrote it down. Now please come back when you have usable information!
JCM: {sighs} Fine.
{JCM walks out of the agency.}
JCM: Well, back to square one.
NAMINE: More like Square Zero.
{Cut to the NSMC Vandal's underground lair. Joshua is in the corner, still trapped in the net as the NSMC Vandal is using a game controller in front of his giant screen.}
JOSHUA: NSMC!
NSMC: Could you please? I'm trying to win Desert Bus!
JOSHUA: You do know that it'll take over a month with no breaks for you to do that, right?
NSMC: Young, foolish Joshua. You continue to underestimate-WAH! Where did that tree come from?
JOSHUA: Can I please get something to eat?
NSMC: There's some chicken in the freezer.
NAMINE: Well, the most I can say is the scene's dialogue only sounds half-robotic. Y'know, like a cyborg.
JOSHUA: ...are you serious?
NSMC: {sigh} Fine, fine.
{The NSMC Vandal gets up from his chair and goes into the kitchen.}
NSMC: Do you want your chicken baked or fried?
JOSHUA: Do I look like I care?
NSMC: I don't know. You're in a net.
{A rimshot is heard.}
JOSHUA: Just get me some chicken.
{The NSMC Vandal walks to Joshua, opens the net slightly, and drops a fried chicken into it. Lound eating is heard.}
NAMINE: I'm in the mood for some lound eating!
NSMC: Make sure not to eat too quickly or you'll choke on a bone. I know that from experience.
{The NSMC Vandal rubs his neck as he goes back to the screen and watches the bus get towed.}
JOSHUA: So, what do you expect to do to me when you finish Desert Bus?
NSMC: Well, I'll commit a bunch of crimes and frame you for it.
JOSHUA: And you expect the police to believe that the person kidnapped by a man on their most wanted list would do all those crimes?
NSMC: Well, I haven't exactly thought it through. That's the general idea.
NAMINE: I thought you weren't supposed to tell the audience the general idea, since it's supposed to be subtle?
JOSHUA: And until then, I'll get to sleep comfortably in this net and have all the free food I want?
NSMC: Yeah, pretty much.
JOSHUA: Man, I should have gotten kidnapped years ago.
NSMC: Hey, you aren't supposed to enjoy torture!
NAMINE: IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S NOT ACTUALLY TORTURE
JOSHUA: Sorry, master.
NSMC: Hey, I like the ring to that.
JOSHUA: Don't get used to it.
{Cut to JCM's house. JCM walks in and takes off his glasses.}
JCM: Toilet water. Why did the kidnapper smell like toilet water?
{JCM's father walks into the room.}
JCM'S FATHER: Hello, son, how are you?
JCM: I don't have time, dad. I have a teacher to save.
JCM'S FATHER: Well, I hope you have fun. Me and your mom are going out on vacation for a few days.
JCM: What? But who's going to feed me?
JCM'S FATHER: Don't worry! We got your great aunt from the nursing home to take care of you. She should be coming right now.
NAMINE: Gee, it's really too bad that this is the series finale. I bet this great aunt will really make an impact on my memory, considering I've forgotten near everyone else that's been introduced to JCMovies.
{Extremely soft knocks are heard on the door. JCM's father opens it to reveal JCM's extremely old aunt holding up her cane. She continues to knock, but this time, on JCM's father's face.}
JCM'S FATHER: Auntie, the door's open.
JCM'S AUNT: Oh, that's good. Is the child home yet?
JCM: I'm right here, Auntie.
JCM'S AUNT: Oh, that's good. You know, this is the first time I've been out of that drasted nursing home since World War II, the time of great peace and war.
NAMINE: Great peace and war. Uh, something 'bout that sounds contradictory.
My, you'd think I-
{JCM's aunt falls asleep where she's standing and JCM's mother comes out of the other room with suitcases.}
JCM's MOTHER: Great, Auntie's here! Well, bye, JCM. I'll come back as soon as possible. And you can call whenever you want. By the way, will you hold my cell phone while you're gone?
NAMINE: "It'll be a blatant plot device later in the movie!"
JCM: But-
JCM's MOTHER: {throws JCM her phone} Thanks!
{JCM's mother and father run out of the house and JCM's aunt wakes up at the slam of the door.}
JCM'S AUNT: Huh? Where am I?
JCM: {groans} I'm going to bed now.
JCM'S AUNT: Has the war ended already?
{Cut to the school student school. JCM walks through the hall with various chooms leaning on the wall and staring at him.}
JCM: OK, you guys are making me uncomfortable. What do you want?
SKULLBUGGY: You think you're real smart, don't you?
JCM: Well, my IQ was only raised 100 points.
SKULLBUGGY: We have a legal act and you don't even care. Do you know what we're capable of?
NAMINE: Pretty sure everyone knows what you're capable of if this is a legal act
JCM: Frankly, I don't really care how many acts you have. You'll always only be capable of bothering me.
NACHOMAN: {laughs} You know, the only reason you aren't dead yet is because Chwoka wants you to be spared until he has the necessary tools to finish you off himself.
NAMINE: So, uh, who's the main bad guy? Chwoka, or NSMC? I can barely tell the difference because both of them are too inept to be actual bad guys, if this characterization's told me anything.
JCM: Yes, I am rather fond of the fact that Chwoka enjoys crapping out of his mouth. You guys are catching up, too.
{The chooms give JCM a stern look then walk off. TheCheese, however, stays behind.}
THECHEESE: Listen, between you and me, I wouldn't play with those guys.
NAMINE: Oh, hey! It's the Token Good Teammate! How convenient
JCM: TheCheese, I don't care who's side you're on, but if you aren't going to help me, you might as well just stay out of it.
THECHEESE: I tried to tell Chwoka to leave you alone, but its
NAMINE: "it's"
of no use. He hates you too much.
JCM: Can't you just kick him out?
THECHEESE: No, then I'll just be impeached from my position as choom leader and someone else will take over and bring back Chwoka. It's not worth it.
JCM: I guess the saying's true. With great power, comes even greater cowardice. Well, that's not the actual saying, but that's not the point. The point is that I'm not going to let your warning stop me. I'm not going to succumb to your terrorist organization, no matter what your so-called friends do to me.
NAMINE: what
{JCM turns walks off into the hall.}
THECHEESE: JCM! {sighs}
{TheCheese walks off the other way.}
{Cut to Super Sam's office. JCM walks in.}
JCM: That's it. I'm tired of waiting. I want a job here.
{Super Sam looks up.}
SUPER SAM: My, you've gotten more assertive since I've last seen you.
JCM: Stop with the funny business, please.
{JCM double takes then slightly leans toward Super Sam.}
JCM: My life may depend on this job.
SUPER SAM: Well, I'm sorry for you. I don't just hand out teaching licenses.
NAMINE: "You should probably wait a few years, then get a degree in teaching from wherever you decide to go to college. Then, once you've shown you're qualified for the job, I'll give you a teaching license."
JCM: What do you want me to do? Take some kind of test?
SUPER SAM: Actually, that's a great idea.
{JCM looks at Super Sam sceptically.}
{Cut to a classroom. JCM is writing in a large book and Super Sam is sitting on the teacher's desk.}
SUPER SAM: Now, you'll have five minutes to fill in this exam on the history of life.
{JCM walks up to Super Sam and hands him the book.}
JCM: Now, can I get my job?
SUPER SAM: {flips through the book} Huh? You... passed.
NAMINE: "You must have a superhuman IQ!"
JCM: Of course I passed. Now can I get my job?
SUPER SAM: Alright, fine. You're replacing Shadow Scythe, who had to leave on personal grounds.
NAMINE: I miss Shadow Scythe already.
JCM: Great. I'm looking forward to it.
{Super Sam scratches his head as JCM walks out of the room content.}
{Cut to the hallway. Strong Intelligent catches up with JCM.}
STRONG INTELLIGENT: So, did you get the job, JCM?
JCM: {smiles} That's Mr. JCM to you.
STRONG INTELLIGENT: Awesome!
{JCM and Strong Intelligent open the doors to find Chwoka waiting for them.}
CHWOKA: If it isn't blue for brains and Weak Idiotic.
NAMINE: Both of those are terrible nicknames.
JCM: Hello, Chwoking-on-your-words.
NAMINE: That's not any better, though.
I see you told your friends about our little conversation this morning.
CHWOKA: You bet I did, you little smart a-
JCM: You know, I just got hired for a place in the school's staff, meaning I'm now under the teacher unions' protection. What three letter words can you get from that?
CHWOKA: {pauses} I was going to say "smart aleck".
NAMINE: HA ! HA ! HA ! HA !
JCM: Of course you were. Now if you excuse me, I've got some sunlight to bask in. {begins to walk off}
CHWOKA: You know, just like our acts won't protect us from your shots, your new job won't protect you from ours. We don't just use our political influence to harrass you dirty thirdies, we have other means of keeping your fear of us entact.
{JCM and Strong Intelligent, who are now a good distance away from Chwoka, turn around.}
JCM: Us "dirty thirdies" aren't, and never will be afraid of you.
STRONG INTELLIGENT: I'm kind of afraid of them.
JCM: {whispering} Curb your hesitance, please.
CHWOKA: {scoffs} Don't bother trying to look cool. Unless you have it naturally, {puts on sunglasses} it just won't work out.
{A fleet of motorcycles pull up. The riders take off their helmets to reveal that they are the rest of the chooms.}
NAMINE: Does anybody know what choom means?
NOXIGAR: I don't.
CHWOKA: Well, that's my cue to leave. If you want to continue this pointless argument, meet us at the bar.
{Chwoka puts on his helmet, gets on his motorcycle and joins the crew.}
STRONG INTELLIGENT: Wow, those guys are cool. They're like the Kool Aid man, only full of beer instead of Kool Aid.
NAMINE: what
JCM: Well, those guys can spout their coolness all they want. I've said what I wanted to say and am going home now.
STRONG INTELLIGENT: Amen.
{JCM and Strong Intelligent part ways and the camera zooms up to the sky, which darkens before zooming back down to reveal the NSMC Vandal walking to the doors. He pulls on a handle to no avail. He then goes around the corner of the school to find a window. He smirks and rubs his hands together before jumping through the window and into a classroom.}
NSMC: {stretches} Ow! Jeez! That's way more painful than the movies make it out to be! I think I got a piece of glass into my nose. Dear God!
NAMINE: And you're not busy bleeding to death why?
{The NSMC Vandal looks around then crawls under the teacher's desk, opens a drawer, and takes out a stack of papers, which he skims through.}
NSMC: Yes. Perfect. Perfect!
{The NSMC Vandal stuffs the papers into his pocket, closes the drawer, then jumps out of another window, followed by more screaming.}
{Cut to JCM's house. JCM jumps out of bed, puts on his glasses, then puts a pencil into his "shirt pocket". He walks out of his room, then kisses his aunt, sleeping on the couch, on the forehead, immediately waking her up.}
JCM'S AUNT: Back in my day, they didn't have those fancy tech gadgets! We had to ride to school on our dogs! And not just the food kind, either!
NAMINE: Pretty sure that's historically inaccurate, but given she's extraneously senile, I see no point in making a distinction to horses and carriages.
JCM: Um, what?
JCM'S AUNT: We had to get up at 5:30 sharp to water our lilly pads, or we wouldn't get no dessert that day! Why, we-
{JCM aunt falls asleep again and a confused JCM walks out of the door.}
NAMINE: I'm baffled by her placement in this episode.
{Cut to the School Student School. JCM walks through the hallways and then opens the door to Shadow Scythe's old room, where he finds the two broken windows.}
JCM: Well, this is a first sight.
{JCM walks into the room and proceeds to sit at the teacher's desk. The telephone rings. JCM picks it up.}
JCM: Hello?
SHADOW SCYTHE: {on the phone} JCM?
JCM: Shadow Scythe?
SHADOW SCYTHE: You're my replacement?
JCM: Yep.
SHADOW SCYTHE: Alright, well, I just wanted to check on you and see how you're doing.
NAMINE: Awfully nice of Shadow Scythe.
JCM: It's my first day. I haven't started yet.
SHADOW SCYTHE: Oh, well in that case, I wanted to tell you something else a little more private.
JCM: Well, spit it out.
SHADOW SCYTHE: I left an extremely important stack of papers in one of these drawers.
JCM: How could you fit a stack of papers into one of these small drawers?
SHADOW SCYTHE: JCM, is that really you? I've never heard you question the laws of physics before.
JCM: Well, let's just say I developed a new set of brains.
NAMINE: And I'm slowly not-interested in you as a result
SHADOW SCYTHE: Yeah okay, just look for the papers.
JCM: Alright.
{JCM puts down the phone and looks through all the drawers, finding them all empty. He picks the phone back up.}
JCM: They're all empty.
SHADOW SCYTHE: Oh no. This is not good.
JCM: Shadow Scythe? What did you put in those drawers?
SHADOW SCYTHE: N-nothing. You wouldn't understand.
JCM: How am I supposed to know that if you don't tell me?
{The dial tone sounds.}
JCM: Shadow? Shadow?
{JCM sighs and hangs the phone up. Suddenly, it starts ringing again.}
JCM: What the?
{JCM picks up the phone.}
SHADOW SCYTHE: {on the phone} By the way, do you have Super Sam's office number? I forgot.
JCM: Shadow Scythe! Will you answer my question already?
SHADOW SCYTHE: Never mind! I remember it now.
NAMINE: "Memory lapse!"
{The dial tone sounds and JCM hangs the phone up. 5 seconds later, it rings again. JCM picks the phone up.}
JCM: What is it?!
SHADOW SCYTHE: I was just going to comment on how you've gotten more assertive since I last saw you.
JCM: I know!
SHADOW SCYTHE: Also, I thought about it, and I'm ready to tell you about the papers now.
JCM: Just leave me alone and talk to Super Sam already!
{JCM hangs up the phone angrily and thinks for a few seconds.}
JCM: Hey, wait a minute. What did I just do?!
{JCM drops his head on the table.}
JCM: I'm supposed to be smarter than this.
NAMINE: Yes, but so far you've... mostly been an allegory as to what Noxigar tried to do when he riffed MFT3K.
NOXIGAR: I still stand by that decision!
NAMINE: Your schemes do tend to bring out a certain amusement. Although I'm not sure it's quite the amusement you're looking for.
[Namine shakes her head}
NAMINE: Dude, let it go.
NOXIGAR: I just did. I skimmed their Season 3 and Season 4 stuff. Didn't even bother with their incomplete Aruseus Emails riff as it doesn't have enough material to mock. And I mostly summed up my problems with Season 3 in their "Adventures of Domo and T Pedo" riff, which was also pretty awful.
NAMINE: I still count your actions as really really brash.
NOXIGAR: JCM enjoyed them!
{JCM looks back up worried.}
JCM: Oh no. Could it already be wearing off?
{JCM turns to the windows then looks at the drawers.}
JCM: I've got to solve this case before it's too late!
{JCM leaves the desk for the area around the windows. He finds a card near the first window and picks it up.}
JCM: Everlasting Association of Trolls... That Heeds Its Strength?
{Zoom into the card to show a diagonal oval with the words "EAT THIS" on it in the bottom right corner.}
JCM: Where have I see that logo before?
{Cut to another flashback of JCMovies #15. JCM runs down a street.}
NAMINE: CONTINUITY
JCM: The Thnikkaman! The Thnikkaman!
{He bumps into the silhouette with the wagon.}
SILHOUETTE: {deep voice} Watch where you're going!
JCM: Sorry, mister. You need help with the bag?
SILHOUETTE: NO! I mean, it's not that much of a problem. Thanks, though.
{JCM backs out the way and the silhouette continues on his way. He notices a strange sticker with the exact same label on it on the back of the wagon. He pays no more attention to it and looks up.}
JCM: {waves} Bye!
{Cut back to the classroom in the present.}
JCM: Oh no. Joshua's kidnapper is part of what appears to be some kind of terrorist orgaization. That's going to make him even harder to track down. And there was a stack of papers in those very drawers that were of interest to him. Getting Shadow Scythe to tell me about those papers is going to be the only hope I'll have left to find Joshua and put his kidnapper behind bars.
{Zoom out to show a student at JCM's desk.}
STUDENT: Who were you talking to?
JCM: I'm smart. We don't need people to talk to.
STUDENT: Um, OK, well, class started about a minute ago, so could you, you know, teach us?
JCM: Huh? Oh, oh yeah, I'm a teacher now. That's what I do, yes. Just go back to your seat and everything will be ready by then. Yeah.
{The student goes back to his seat with a confused expression on his face.}
NAMINE: I'm as baffled as that student is.
JCM: {whispering} Oh jeez.
{Cut to the outside of the school. JCM walks through the doors with the chooms outside waiting for him.}
JCM: {sighs} Will we have to go through this again?
CHWOKA: No, we just like intimidating you.
JCM: Well, I suggest you find someone else to intimidate. I've got to go.
{Chwoka and the rest of the chooms see JCM walk off.}
DINOSHAUR: Wow, that guy is really not cool. If there was an opposite of cool, he'd definitely be that.
CHWOKA: But there is an opposite of cool. Remember? Lame.
NAMINE: "Gee, Dinoshaur. How could you forget what "lame" is?"
DINOSHAUR: Oh yeah! That kid is definitely lame, so it fits him.
CHWOKA: Definitely.
{Cut to the police station. JCM walks in.}
JCM: Agent Seethroo?
SEETHROO: What do you have now? Information on the types of shoes he was wearing?
JCM: I'm pretty sure they were Nikes, but that's besides the point. I found a big, major clue, that'll probably get you closer to our kidnapper than anything else right now.
SEETHROO: I'm listening.
JCM: He was part of an organization, you see, called the Everlasting Association of Trolls That Heeds Its Strength.
SEETHROO: {surprised} EAT THIS? That's one of the biggest criminal organizations in Wiki City!
NAMINE: Somehow I'm not surprised by this.
JCM: Is that a good thing?
SEETHROO: That's a horrible thing! We've been trying to shut them down for years, but to no avail. They're too powerful. Fortunately, their attacks up to now have just been harmless pranks, but if they're starting to go up the scale, the city is in big trouble.
JCM: Can't you do something about it?
SEETHROO: Didn't you hear me? They have too many assets. All of our investigations have led us nowhere. I think you should just kiss your teacher goodbye while everyone at the station kisses their jobs goodbye.
JCM: What? You're just going to give up?
SEETHROO: That seems to be the only option right now.
NAMINE: Pretty sure EAT THIS would've been taken care of by Agent Seethroo really fast.
JCM: But he broke into my classroom. He stole important papers from my drawers. He could be planning another attack!
SEETHROO: That's your problem, I'm afraid to say. There's nothing we can do. Goodbye.
{JCM leaves the station disappointed.}
{Cut to JCM's house. JCM walks in, slamming the door and waking his aunt up from the couch.}
JCM'S AUNT: I knew no good would come from them city folk and their flying machines!
JCM: Auntie, who are you talking to?
JCM'S AUNT: You're too young to understand, son. There come's a time in an old lady's life when she-
{JCM's aunt falls back asleep and JCM goes back to his room.}
NAMINE: How many of these scenes are completely deprived of substance?
{Cut to another low-lit shot of JCM sitting by himself, this time in his room.}
JCM: It all started from an idea.
{Cut to a shot of JCM's mouth.}
JCM: And it ended in chaos...
{Cut to the NSMC Vandal's underground lair. He falls head first into the chair again and immediately jumps out to face the bagged Joshua.}
NSMC: Hello, Joshua, guess where I was just at!
JOSHUA: The bank?
NSMC: Why yes, yes I was.
NAMINE: "I needed to deposit a question mark into my credit card. That's why I didn't use it when I told you to guess where I was!"
{The NSMC Vandal pulls the stack of papers out of his pocket.}
NSMC: But I was also at the School Student School!
{The NSMC Vandal waits for a reaction for Joshua but when he gets none, he throws the papers to the ground.}
NSMC: You know, when you do something diabolical, you expect to be recognized!
JOSHUA: So you screwed around with the new school? I doubt you did anything worse than half the students there. The entire place is a joke.
NSMC: You think I didn't know that?
JOSHUA: Did you?
NSMC: N-no, but that's not the point!
NAMINE: Uh, I thought that was the point?
JOSHUA: What is the point?
NSMC: The point is that I didn't stop by the school to do the same horrible things I did to the other one. I took something that directly affects to the other one!
JOSHUA: Really?
NSMC: Yes! You see, these papers I just angrily threw to the ground aren't just any kind of papers!
JOSHUA: They're printer papers?
NSMC: No! I have plenty of printer papers, thank you very much!
JOSHUA: You... spit on me.
NSMC: My spit will be the last problem on your mind when you learn that I stole the registration papers for the new Homestar Runner Fanstuff School!
{The NSMC Vandal eyes widen and he stares at Joshua annoyed for few seconds.}
NSMC: Great! I had a dramatic revelation planned and everything, and you just had to go an ruin it!
JOSHUA: You're holding the very thing that determines how much longer the students will have to wait to return to their school?
NSMC: Well, not anymore, thanks to your sharp indifference!
{The NSMC Vandal starts picking up the registration papers, though clumsily, with them flying everywhere, including one into the bag holding Joshua.}
{Cut to inside the bag. Joshua reads the paper in shock. He quietly sticks it into his pocket.}
{Cut back to the lair. The NSMC Vandal finishes putting the papers back in a stack then takes out a lighter.}
NSMC: Getting rid of the registration papers will only stall the school's return, as you know, my good Josh. That'll give me the time to carry out the ultimate plot!
JOSHUA: Ultimate plot? That's the cheesiest thing I've ever heard!
NSMC: Ridicule me if you must. It'll only make the end of your school much more satisfying!
{The NSMC Vandal uses the lighter to set fire to the registration papers and he laughs maniacally as he throws it into a nearby trash can until the smoke gets to him and he starts coughing instead.}
JOSHUA: Smooth.
{Namine high-fives Joshua.}
NSMC: {coughing} Just wait until I have the last laugh, you... big... mean person!
{The smoke covers up the screen and then it clears to reveal JCM at the low lit room again.}
JCM: Some good has come from the school, there's no denying that. We've learned many education and social lessons along the way...
{Cut to a close up of JCM's eyes as he takes off his glasses. Fade to the outside of JCM's house. A fleet of motorcycles pull up to the lawn. The rider in the middle takes off his helmet to reveal he's Chwoka, and he gives a signal, followed by him and the other riders jumping of their motorcycles and raiding the house.}
{Cut to the inside of the house. JCM's aunt is still sleeping on the couch, and the riders pick her up, waking her and startling them.}
JCM'S AUNT: One day, the world will crumble, and people will wish that they still had old fashioned values to die with.
{JCM's aunt falls asleep, and the riders look at each other, shrug, and carry her out of the house.}
{Cut to the road. The riders drive down it on their motorcycles, with the addition of JCM's aunt behind Chwoka.}
JCM: {voiceover} But maybe it would have been best if Dot com chose another hobby.
{The End}
NAMINE: Suddenly, this part feels like it's waaaaaaaayyyyyyyy too long for my liking.
Episode V: The Up-highers Strike Back
{We start at a low-lit shot of It's dot com sitting by himself.}
IT'S DOT COM: It all started as a hobby.
NAMINE: Okay why are we rehashing the same opening as the previous part, but with a different character? That - One, doesn't do anything for the plot - and Two, is just a terrible way to open the next part.
{Its dot com looks up. It is revealed that he has an abnormal amount of bags under his eyes.}
IT'S DOT COM: A simple hobby. Nothing more. I liked running schools, and this cartoon about dumb animal characters gave me a chance to do so.
{Cut to a shot of It's dot com's mouth.}
IT'S DOT COM: Had I known the school would have gotten this popular and resource demanding, I wouldn't have done it.
{Cut back to the full body shot.}
IT'S DOT COM: But of course, I did. And now everyone relies on me. Well, and JoeyDay, but he went crazy a while ago.
{It's dot com turns to the corner to reveal a framed picture of JoeyDay on the wall. It falls and breaks.}
IT'S DOT COM: Yes, those were the days. But all good things, as you know, come to an end.
{Cut to a flashback of JCMovies #9. The Homestar Runner Fanstuff School is in it's original state. It's dot com, JoeyDay, Tom, and Stu come out from the doors with flamethrowers.}
NAMINE: CONTINUITY'
JOEYDAY: Is anyone ready for the obliteration of our school?!
STU: It doesn't matter whether you're ready or not, cause it's happening!
TOM: Yeah, uh, how do I use this thing again?
IT'S DOT COM: {sighs} You just press this button and-
{It's dot com presses the button on the flamethrower and it shoots a flame at Tom's foot.}
IT'S DOT COM: Oh, dear.
{Cut back to the dark room.}
IT'S DOT COM: Tom was never the same after that.
{It's dot com wipes his eyes and the bags start swinging.}
IT'S DOT COM: I've seen a lot of things happen during my extensive time at these schools, including...
{Suddenly, upbeat music starts playing and the lights turn on to reveal the entire cast of JCMovies. Slowly zoom in to JCM.}
JCM: Including countless flashbacks, fairly large exterminators, boy bands, sock puppets, blown up houses, falling cliffs, treasure maps, talking chimps, email shows, boarding schools, I don't even, student schools, presidential campaigns, theivery, school fights, police stations, something else, scary black men...
IT'S DOT COM: What are you doing, JCM?
JCM: I'll tell you later, Joshua, Shwoo, Thatkidsam, Super Sam, Clamburger, Ekul, Chwoka, H*Bad, Shadow Scythe, Bluebry, Vindicator, Eric, Ryan Bluefox, Sephiroth, Znex, Chaos, Im a bell, SkullBuggy, Zoo, Strong Intelligent, The Mu, Badstar, TheStick, Kirbychu, TheCheese, Homsar44WithPie, Nachoman, Sam the Man, Tahu, Color Printer, Homfrog, The Noid, TheDenzel, X On Fire, KickCheat, Dinoshaur, JoeyDay, It's dot com, Loafing, DorianGray, Heimstern Läufer, Dr. Haggis, Lunar Jesters, me, me, and me!
NAMINE: A supermajority of the people you just mentioned actually don't care what you're doing.
IT'S DOT COM: Could you go now before I have to kick you and your sleeping beauties out myself?
{Zoom back out to reveal the rest of the cast on the ground sleeping as the words "JCMovies" and "Like never before" fly onscreen.}
JCM: Alright, alright.
{JCM throws a rope over the rest of the cast and starts pulling. The lights then immediately turn back off and It's dot com quickly shakes his head.}
IT'S DOT COM: Anyway, the schools were successful. My hobby was successful. I didn't see any need for any drastic measures whatsoever.
{Cut to a shot of It's dot com's mouth.}
IT'S DOT COM: Then a few students started complaining.
{Cut back to the full body shot.}
IT'S DOT COM: The purge gave us many bad things, and many bad things. But every attempt to end it just brings on another obstacle.
{Cut to It's dot com's office at the Homestar Runner School. The phone rings. It's dot com picks it up,}
IT'S DOT COM: Hello?
SHADOW SCYTHE: {on the phone} Dot com?
NAMINE: Yes some tie-in, finally!
NAMINE: You could've actually just started this part here, and then everything would've still been fine.
IT'S DOT COM: Shadow Scythe? What is it?
SHADOW SCYTHE: We have a small problem.
IT'S DOT COM: Really, what?
SHADOW SCYTHE: Remember those registration papers you gave me to hold until later?
IT'S DOT COM: Why, yes. In fact, speaking of them, could you bring the papers over sometime soon? I just completed the finishing touches to the school. Once I have them, I'll be able to open up the school within days.
SHADOW SCYTHE: Yes, about that, that's kind of the small problem I mentioned.
IT'S DOT COM: What? What are you talking about?
SHADOW SCYTHE: The papers... are gone.
NAMINE: If I could do a William Shatner impression, this would be a good time for it.
{It's dot com drops the phone.}
SHADOW SCYTHE: {distorted} Hello? Hello?
IT'S DOT COM: {thinking} Why? Why? I'll never hear the end of this. Never!
{It's dot com runs out of his office with the phone still on the table.}
SHADOW SCYTHE: {distorted} If you don't answer me, I will hang up! Don't push me! I will do it!
{Cut to the School Student School. It's dot com opens the door to Super Sam's office. Super Sam is revealed to be clipping his toenails.}
SUPER SAM: Hey, ever heard of privacy?
NAMINE: This scene could've been funnier. But then I guess the rating would have to go up on it.
IT'S DOT COM: Not now, please. We have things to discuss.
SUPER SAM: I'm guessing you got Shadow Scythe's call.
IT'S DOT COM: Oh, you think? What are we going to do now?
SUPER SAM: More like what are you going to do now.
{Super Sam clips one last fingernail, which bounces off It's dot com's face, and puts the clipper in his desk.}
SUPER SAM: I did my part, and I'm ready to finish off the school, whether the students have an alternative or not.
IT'S DOT COM: Super Sam! I brought you into this world, and I can take you right back out!
SUPER SAM: You ain't my pa!
NAMINE: "You ain't my 50's jargon!"
{Super Sam merrily walks out of the office, closing the door on It's dot com's face.}
IT'S DOT COM: {groans} Sometimes I think he has something against authority.
VOICE: {offscreen} Actually, that's just what happens when you have the shoes on your foot for once.
{Pan right to reveal Interruptor Jones leaning on the corner, smoking a pipe.}
IT'S DOT COM: Jones? How long have you been there?
JONES: A while, but that's not the point.
IT'S DOT COM: What is the point?
JONES: The point is that Super Sam knows what it's like to have full control of a school for once, without your intervention, and he likes it.
NAMINE: "Likes it" might be stretching it, there.
IT'S DOT COM: How could he like a school without my intervention?
JONES: It's not that hard.
IT'S DOT COM: {dry} Alright, I think I understand.
JONES: Don't get me wrong, you're a great principal and all, you're just really boring. You're a boring person.
IT'S DOT COM: Well, schools need boring administrators. I mean, look at how this one turned out.
{It's dot com points out of the door's window to show a stampede of elephants running by.}
JONES: This one turned out fun, which is a lot more than I can say about yours.
IT'S DOT COM: Alright, if you're going to just stand there and insult me, I'm just going to go.
JONES: Whoa, there! I'm not insulting you, my friend. I'm insulting your ability to run schools.
{The door slams just as Interruptor Jones finishes.}
JONES: OK, I'll just be going now. Don't catch up!
{Interruptor Jones sticks his head into his coat and disappears in a puff of smoke.}
{Cut to the School Student School's auditorium. It's dot com walks in and sees the crowd of students.}
IT'S DOT COM: Wow, this place brings back memories.
{Super Sam walks onto the stage and taps the microphone.}
SUPER SAM: Greetings, everyone. It's me, your benevolent dictator!
IT'S DOT COM: {rolls eyes} Give me a break.
NAMINE: Don't tempt the benevolent dictator to do something drastic
SUPER SAM: Excuse me, sir. Is there something you want to say to the class?
{All of the students turn toward It's dot com.}
IT'S DOT COM: As a matter of fact, there is!
SUPER SAM: Too bad, because I have the stage.
{The students start laughing.}
IT'S DOT COM: I will have you all suspended!
{The students immediately go quiet.}
SUPER SAM: Now, like I was saying, there's going to be a major change here at the School Student School. I'm going to tear it down.
{The students gasp.}
NAMINE: I think I remember the part where the School Student School got revamped.
SUPER SAM: Oh, stop acting like you're surprised. Anyone that listens to the morning announcements knows this isn't news.
IT'S DOT COM: Super Sam, what the heck are you doing?
SUPER SAM: Why, I'm just expressing my authority, something you must be very well familiar with.
IT'S DOT COM: I had a good reason for the purge!
SUPER SAM: And I have a good reason for mine. Only it won't be a purge, just a sufficient end. But don't worry, students, It's dot com is bringing our old school back, right? So there won't be any point in this one!
STUDENT: Yeah, he's right. The Homestar Runner Fanstuff School is coming back!
{The students cheer. It's dot com runs onto the stage and grabs the microphone from Super Sam.}
NAMINE: Except it doesn't come back which means the "sufficient end" isn't sufficient.
IT'S DOT COM: Who do you think you are, telling the students that the school will be back soon when you know very well it won't?
{The students gasp.}
IT'S DOT COM: Will you stop doing that? Yes, the school's reopening is being postponed once again. I'm sorry it had to be done, but there's nothing I can do about it.
SUPER SAM: Yes, too bad I can't postpone the school's destruction.
IT'S DOT COM: You very well can, because without the blessing of the co-owner of FellowSchools, your submisssion for destruction won't even be considered.
SUPER SAM: I see. Well, I guess if you really want the students to continue coming here while you progressively put off bringing back the school they want for little cause, then so be it.
IT'S DOT COM: {whispering} Stop lying, you liar!
SUPER SAM: You know, whispering into a microphone isn't exactly the best way to keep what you say inaudible.
IT'S DOT COM: Oh, you are so snarky.
SUPER SAM: And you're a bossy know-it-all. I guess everyone has their flaws.
IT'S DOT COM: That's it. I don't know what'a gotten into you, but I'm not having it. I want this school shut down immediately!
SUPER SAM: Finally, something we agree on. Well, students, you heard it from Dot com's diarrhea-induced mouth! The school is done with!
STUDENT: But wasn't that the entire point of this meeting from the start?
IT'S DOT COM: Wait a minute, it was! You tricked me into allowing this!
SUPER SAM: I did nothing of the sort.
{Super Sam takes out a tape recorder and walks off the stage.}
SUPER SAM: Now, please excuse me as I turn this recording of our conversation in to the school board for no particular reason. Enjoy your last days, students!
{Super Sam leaves the auditorium and the students give It's dot com an antagonizing glare.}
IT'S DOT COM: {sighs} Yep, this brings back lots of memories.
NAMINE: No memories I ever recalled.
{JCM (in his glasses) walks into the auditorium.}
JCM: Sorry I'm late. Someone stole my aunt. {looks around} I missed something, didn't I?
{Cut back to the low-lit room. It's dot com scratches his head.}
IT'S DOT COM: That blue kid always confused me. Nevertheless, Super Sam's going to have the school demolished in weeks, if I'm lucky. I need to figure out a way to solve the registration issue before it's too late.
{Thatkidsam walks into the room.}
THATKIDSAM: How do these people keep getting into my closet?
IT'S DOT COM: Well, there's not exactly a lock on the door.
THATKIDSAM: Well, I have janitorial things to do, so could you, you know, scoot?
IT'S DOT COM: Alright, but I just have one question.
THATKIDSAM: Yeah?
IT'S DOT COM: Why do you have a framed picture of JoeyDay on your wall?
{Thatkidsam looks at It's dot com awkwardly.}
THATKIDSAM: Do I have to answer that?
IT'S DOT COM: Yes, you do.
NAMINE: Somehow I get the feeling this won't be answered.
NAMINE: So much for a series finale, raising more questions than are being properly addressed.
THATKIDSAM: Because some things are better left unsaid, and that's one of them.
IT'S DOT COM: Just tell me, already!
THATKIDSAM: Wait a minute, did you break it?!
{Thatkidsam runs into the closet and holds the picture up from the shattered glass.}
IT'S DOT COM: No, it just fell.
NAMINE: Something the audience and even Thatkidsam would already know
THATKIDSAM: Oh, man! I... paid good money for that frame!
{It's dot com looks at Thatkidsam suspiciously and walks off.}
{Cut to JCM's classroom.}
JCM: ...and that's why tomatoes aren't vegetables.
STUDENT: {raises hand} But you said they were vegetables a few moments ago.
JCM: Really? Well, I meant they were fruit.
{The bell sounds.}
JCM: Alright, class is dismissed.
{The students leave the room and Strong Intelligent stays behind. He walks to JCM's desk.}
STRONG INTELLIGENT: I heard about your aunt. How do you think she's holding up?
JCM: How did you hear about my aunt?
STRONG INTELLIGENT: Oh, you know. Rumors, not to mention you screamed it to the entire auditorium.
NAMINE: Smooth
JCM: Yeah, that wasn't very bright of me.
{JCM's eyes widen.}
STRONG INTELLIGENT: JCM?
JCM: {gets up} I'm fine, don't catch up! My aunt's probably okay, and I need to go!
{JCM jumps out of one of the broken windows.}
STRONG INTELLIGENT: Hey, those windows are broken! I thought it just was some fancy decoration. What do you know?
{Strong Intelligent starts to walk off, but then he turns to the window again.}
STRONG INTELLIGENT: Oh no! JCM!
{Strong Intelligent jumps out of the window and runs after JCM.}
{Cut to JCM's house. JCM runs in to find his aunt back on the couch, but bound and gagged and with a sticky note on her saying "Go back to where you came from or your aunt will be the last of your worries - The Coolest Cats on the Block".}
NAMINE: Yeah, okay, Chwoka's upgraded from "ineffective villain" to "slightly-effective villain." That elderly woman was probably asleep. Also, how could they have broken into JCM's house?
JCM: Dang it, chooms.
{Strong Intelligent walks in.}
STRONG INTELLIGENT: JCM, your classroom was broken into!
JCM: SI, I don't have time to deal with you right now.
{Strong Intelligent sees JCM's aunt and gasps. JCM shakes his head.}
STRONG INTELLIGENT: OK, I'll just be going now. Good luck!
{Strong Intelligent runs out of the house. JCM unties her aunt and takes the sticky note off of her. He thinks for a few seconds then rips the tape off of her mouth.}
NAMINE: I don't think SI is a coward.
JCM'S AUNT: Most of us miss the days when big, flat-chested women were the rage in our society.
{JCM shudders and slaps the tape back onto her mouth.}
NAMINE: That's unhelpful.
JCM: I won't miss that.
{JCM crumples the note into a ball and throws it into the trash.}
JCM: Those guys really need some help. But I'll figure out a way to deal with them later. I have more urgent things to do right now.
{JCM goes to his room and picks a lava lamp off of his table. He gently shakes it, and a genie with long head and facial hair, round sunglasses, colorful clothing, and chains flies out of the lamp and flashes the peace sign.}
GENIE: {slurred} What is up, my brother?
NAMINE: Okay... is this Genie voiced by Robin Williams? Because if it isn't then chances are it's going to be terrible.
JCM: I'm fine, but what's going on with JCM's wish?
GENIE: Oh, did I forget to mention to him how my wishes only last a week due to contractual restrictions?
JCM: Oh no, it's already the sixth day. My intelligence is wearing off!
GENIE: Whoa, that must really suck.
JCM: Great, now I have to solve these issues by tomorrow or risk leaving it up to my worse half.
GENIE: I liked your worse half.
JCM: This isn't a time for joking around, Genie! Isn't it possible to renew a wish or something like that?
GENIE: Probably not, but don't worry, dude, it's fine. You can just use a second wish to be smart permanently.
JCM: Be smart permanently from a week-lasting wish? That'll create a paradox!
NAMINE: Why don't you, oh I dunno, go with it? Getting intelligence permanently would make this plot go a lot more quickly, or at least more productively.
GENIE: Well, I don't know. I just want to end this discussion soon so I can float around in that lava lamp again.
JCM: {facepalms} Well, I guess this means only one thing. I have to find Joshua's kidnapper, thwart the chooms, and make amends with everyone before the wish wears off.
GENIE: So, is it settled now?
JCM: {gloomy} I guess it is.
GENIE: Sweet. Later, then.
{The genie sucks himself back into the lava lamp and cries of joy are heard. JCM sighs and walks out of his room.}
{Cut to the School Student School. JCM walks through the hallways to find the chooms by their lockers. He stops when he gets to Chwoka.}
JCM: So, I see you and your friends kidnapped my aunt.
CHWOKA: Yep.
NAMINE: "Still not effective enough of a bad guy for this subplot to matter!"
JCM: Well, the only thing I sorrow from in your plan is the fact that you gave her back.
CHWOKA: Yeah, we ended up realizing that her nostalgic comments were punishing us more than you and decided to return her. Did you see the sticky note?
JCM: Yes. It was very original and well-put together. Whoever wrote it also had great handwriting.
SKULLB: {offscreen} Thanks!
NOXIGAR: DAMN IT, SKULLBUGGY!
{Namine hits Noxigar with a brick.}
NAMINE: Anyway...
JCM: Well, I hope we can put our differences behind us now, and if not, I'll gladly have you guys put behind bars for kidnapping my aunt.
CHWOKA: Oh please, don't you know we're above the law? We're so above it, we have a copy of the law book tied to all of our shoes.
{Zoom out to reveal giant books with the word "LAW" on the cover tied under all of the chooms' shoes.}
JCM: Hmm, I strangely haven't noticed those.
CHWOKA: Yeah, it starts out uncomfortable, but it eventually starts working out for us.
JCM: I see. Well, having giant books tied to your shoes unfortunately won't keep you from getting arrested, and I'll make sure it's done for you criminals.
{Cut to the police station.}
JCM: What do you mean they're above the law?
NAMINE: Oh, how did I not see this coming?
OFFICER: Of course. Didn't you see those giant books tied to their shoes?
JCM: They kidnapped my aunt!
OFFICER: And I'm very sorry, but there's nothing we can do. Plus, shouldn't you be in school anyway?
JCM: I'm only a teacher. They won't miss me.
OFFICER: Ah. Well, good luck getting revenge on the chooms without any help from the justice system.
JCM: Thanks. I'm going to need it.
{JCM leaves the police station. While he is walking home, he passes the mailbox that leads to the NSMC Vandal's underground lair. Zoom into the mailbox, and fade in to the lair. The NSMC Vandal is watching Lost on his screen when Joshua, out of his bag hands him a bottle of soda.}
NSMC: Thanks. Hey, wait a minute. How did you get out of the bag?
JOSHUA: I had a pair of scissors in my pocket.
NAMINE: ...
NAMINE: I'm sorry, I had an aneurysm of stupidity from these lines of dialogue.
NSMC: Then why didn't you use it sooner?
JOSHUA: The writer didn't realize it yet.
{Anguished screams can be heard.}
NSMC: Well, whatever. My plan's almost complete, anyway, so I won't be needing you any longer.
JOSHUA: Why did you need me in the first place?
NSMC: I needed someone to tell my plans to.
JOSHUA: But what happened to those other plans?
NSMC: What other plans?
JOSHUA: Don't you remember?
{Cut to a flashback of the last part.}
JOSHUA: So, what do you expect to do to me when you finish Desert Bus?
NSMC: Well, I'll commit a bunch of crimes and frame you for it.
JOSHUA: And you expect the police to believe that the person kidnapped by a man on their most wanted list would do all those crimes?
NSMC: Well, I haven't exactly thought it through. That's the general idea.
{Cut back to the present.}
NSMC: Man, that would have been an awesome plan. Too bad I forgot about it. I'll just stick to my claim of your role as an audience surrogate.
NAMINE: I do not identify with you at all
JOSHUA: Alright, whatever. Since the cat's out of the bag now, no pun intended, could you just tell me your ultimate plot already?
NSMC: Sorry, no can do! You already ruined one of my dramatic revelations. I'm going to let this play out so that when it does work, it'll be all the more shocking.
JOSHUA: Oh, come on, what's the point? You're the bad guy. You know you're going to lose!
NSMC: {laughs} Really, Josh, really? Well, I guess we'll have to see!
JOSHUA: I guess we will.
{Author's note: Actually, we won't. Because this is as far as I made it before I got bored and moved on. However, to not put all my effort to complete waste, I'll give you the satisfaction of a synopsis of the rest of and the beginning of this planned 2500 line epic.}
NAMINE: Oh, you have to be kidding me!
The Homestar Runner Fanstuff School is destroyed, and It's dot com is forced to go into hiding. When JCM finds him, he promises to find the registration papers to save the school, conveniently running into the NSMC Vandal (on "evil laundry errands") shortly after. When learning of the destruction of the papers, JCM and the Vandal get into a large fight, only stopping when they notice Joshua escaping from the lair. The Vandal chases after Joshua, but JCM stops him with the net gun he swiped. Joshua gets the remaining registration paper to It's dot com, and copies are immediately made. The episode ends with JCM about to give the Vandal to the police, but reverting to his previous personality at the last moment and being convinced by the Vandal to let him go.
NAMINE: That, that's really how it's going to go.
NAMINE: I haven't been more utterly disappointed with this in my life.
Episode VI: Return of the Blue Guy
The episode begins with the re-opening of the Homestar Runner Fanstuff School. The student body, however, is severely shortened, and they must learn to cope for the first few months with this new reality. The NSMC Vandal has not given up, and plants a bomb under the school, set to go off in 24 hours. JCM continues to be harassed by the chooms, but realizes the genie can't solve his problems, because the chooms are just cruel by nature, and he accidentally broke the lava lamp while cleaning up his room. It's dot com sees the School Student School has become worse than before and resolves to shut it down permanently, while JCM overhears the NSMC Vandal recall his deed and, realizing he made a terrible mistake, finds the net gun his alter ego stole and shoots the Vandal with it again. JCM manages to overcome his stupidity as the Vandal tries to appeal to him and turns him into the police. Then he remembers that the bomb will go off in minutes and rushes to the school as It's dot com prepares to announce its end, arriving just as the bomb goes off, sending IDC and all of the students flying over him. JCM breaks into tears knowing he was responsible for the school's destruction, but IDC reassures him that he just saved the admins the expense of flamethrowers, makes his announcement, and the students, though disappointed, sees that after nearly getting blown to bits, losing a school doesn't seem so bad. Super Sam decides that since the HRFSchool isn't coming back, he might as well re-open the School Student School indefinitely. The students seem satisfied, the chooms even expressing appreciation to JCM for "at least trying", and the episode ends with the NSMC Vandal tallying the days on his prison wall, looking out the window in disgust at the students frolicking around the newly opened SSS, and vowing to return one day.
NAMINE: This would have made the Chwoka subplot make more sense!
Episode I: The Fandom Menace
JCM is ostracized around school for his stupidity-induced antics, so when he finds a lava lamp in an abandoned alley and shakes it, releasing a once powerful but now hopeless high hippie genie, he asks for intelligence as his first wish, and becomes glasses-wearing honor student. At home, his parents, initially confused, quickly adjust to the transformation, as does his fellow students.
NAMINE: Somehow I get the feeling JCM's Great-Aunt would have been better-placed here.
Episode II: Attack of the Trolls
Members of a powerful troll organization invade the School Student School and the administrators ineffectively try to hold them off until the police come. JCM, believing the trolls to have a role in Joshua's disappearance, attempt to question them, but is only responded to with juvenile pranks and remarks. Angered, he pulls a more complex and manipulative series of pranks as retaliation. This only succeeds at provoking the trolls further, and soon an all out war is started. Flames are thrown and spirits are killed. When he finally realizes that his actions only encourage them, JCM simply ignores the trolls, who eventually tire of him and leave the school. Despite being no closer to finding Joshua or his kidnapper, JCM calls the day a success, and goes home proud of himself.
NAMINE: This part could've been merged with the first part and not made into a Star Wars allegory/reference...
Episode III: Revenge of the List
It's dot com announces that the purge is finally coming to a close and invites the administrators of the school to help out. Learning this, JCM expresses his desire to be an administrator to Super Sam, who is reluctant to do so and tells him to ask again later. Annoyed, JCM complies and instead sneaks into the Homestar Runner Fanstuff School that night to check on the status of his old work. He is surprised to find it all gone, and just as he is about to leave, an administrator catches him and sends him to the HRFSchool's office. There, he's confronted by a group of prestegious students known as the "chooms". JCM sees them as arrogant and attempts to espace the meeting, to no avail. When the chooms are done with him, they send him home, where his parents, somehow notified about the incident, give him a talk about the penalties for "breaking and entering" snd how he should "respect authority" more. JCM is sent to his room without supper, where he sees the NSMC Vandal out the window, carrying large bags of groceries. Knowing this to be the same figure he bumped into, JCM jumps out of the window and follows the Vandal by foot. However, he bumps into one of the chooms, who assumes he's trying to get back into the school and tasers him before he can say otherwise. Once JCM comes to, the Vandal is out of sight and so is the choom. Disappointed, he climbs back into his room, where his parents are waiting for him, angrier than ever. As punishment, they take his lava lamp into the basement. On the way, JCM's father shakes the lamp and a genie comes out, startling both parents to the point of passing out. JCM intervenes and takes the lamp back to his room. By then, he had figured that the chooms disposed of all fanstuff that wasn't made by one of their own and he predicts a choom-controlled system in the years to come.
{The End. Yeah, seriously. Thank you, one fan, if that. I only made it halfway through the second part before giving up, but it feels like I really accomplished something this past year. This isn't a "Purge", but it's something I guess. Enjoy the rest of your miserable life. I know I will mine.}
NAMINE: You're the one fan, aren't you, Nox?
