RiffText/MFT3K/Zarel Emails/3

Zarel E-Mail #3

Zarel is asked what he would do with one billion dollars.

CHWOKA: "So... many... body parts..."
SKUB: Well, he'd buy a fur coat! But not a real fur coat, that's cruel.
BLUEBRY: stop out of control government debt

Cast (in order of appearance): Zarel, Homestar, Bubs, Coach Z

Places: Zarel's House, The Stick, Bubs' Concession Stand, The Field

Transcript

{Cut to Zarel's Room}

ZAREL: Tonight on Zarel E-Mail, we talk to the one...the only...er...whoever sent this email.

NACHOMAN: It's not so much talking as it is answering their question in an impersonal way and mispronouncing their name

Subject: Money

CHWOKA: It's a fad.

Dear Zarel,

If you had a billion dollars, what would you buy first?

CHWOKA: It depends — is this money for nothing? Can he get chicks for free?
SKUB: It's a rich man's world, I'll tell you what.

Not Your Friend,

Raiku Samiyaza

SKUB: What a coincidence! Raiku's not my friend either.

{Zarel says "Well that's not very nice..." after reading "Not Your Friend"}

NACHOMAN: What are you talking about? That's the nicest gift of all

ZAREL: {typing} Samiyaza...that sounds like some kind of Japanese dish...aw crap...now I'm hungry!

CHWOKA: Hungry for JAPAN
NACHOMAN: Man why'd you mention food? Now I have to make a foot long sandwich and eat three cookies

But anyway- {clears screen} A billion mig

CHWOKA: TAKE OFF EVERY MIG
SKUB: {dry heave}

ones, eh? Er...A million big ones...a billion dollars. What would I do with a billion dollars? What would I, Zarel Mikhail Lewis III

CHWOKA: If he was truly committed to comedy, the middle name would be "Hillary" or "Hunka Hunka Burning Love".

do with one billion-

HOMESTAR: Hey, Zarel, Hey, Zarel, Hey, Zarel!

BLUEBRY: "i gotta do this or it gets deleted"

ZAREL: I really need to start locking my door...

SKUB: All we need is some canned laughter and we'll be good enough for ABC!
BLUEBRY: no. maybe fox

HOMESTAR: Hmph! Fine! We'll take out outside!

NACHOMAN: take what
BLUEBRY: no, didn't you hear, they're taking "out" outside

{Cut to The Stick}

CHWOKA: Zarel is covered in swollen bruises and blood. A deep cut down his left arm bleeds profusely all around him. As he looks up with pleading eyes, Homestar delivers the fatal blow.}

HOMESTAR: So as I was saying before... Hey, Zarel, Hey, Zarel, Hey, Zar-

ZAREL: You...already said that.

HOMESTAR: I know, I was just saying what I was saying before.

SKUB: Alzheimer's is not a joke.

ZAREL: Riiiight...so...Homestar, what would you do with a billion bucks?

NACHOMAN: "I don't have any imagination, so why don't you answer this email for me?"

HOMESTAR: Well, I'd probably buy my own website and fill it with many different clips and shorts of me and my escapades with my friends.

SKUB: I call OOC, because Homestar clearly doesn't know what an esplanade is.
CHWOKA: Escapade-
SKUB: Escapade.

Maybe give Strong Bad a little show...maybe give you a little-

BLUEBRY: nnno

ZAREL: Homestar...you already have a site.

CHWOKA: IT'S FUNNY BECAUSDERF TDKBYBH RGNHSMOUHML
SKUB: Oh, jeez- bite down on this stick, Chwoka. It'll be over soon.
NACHOMAN: This cyrus kid is just a laugh and one half
BLUEBRY: ...oh i get it

HOMESTAR: I know! It'd be called homestarrunner.ne-WHAAAAAAT?

BLUEBRY: I MUST HAVE FORGOTTEN

ZAREL: {sigh} Never mind.

{Cut to Bubs' Concession Stand}

BUBS: A billion dollars, eh? I'd say you could spend it all on plenty of fine goods from my concession stand, including-

SKUB: Has Bubs ever sold anybody anything? Like, seriously, I'm starting to wonder.

ZAREL: Bubs...with a billion dollars I could buy the concession stand and put you out of business.

CHWOKA: It's like Zarel doesn't want his character to play ball and actually be funny and have quirks.
SKUB: I identify with cardboard as well!
NACHOMAN: {monotone} what are you talking about zarel is so off the wall and zany I literally cannot hide my excitement
BLUEBRY: "yeah! take your billion dollars! i've got your tiny business!"

BUBS: {angry} So that's your evil scheme! I'm sorry, but I ain't selling!

{Bubs slams the steel door down as if to close the store, closing it on Zarel's hand and detaching it.}

CHWOKA: That's just contrived.

ZAREL: Uh...Bubs? My hand? {wiggles handless arm}

SKUB: "Put 'er there!!!!"
BLUEBRY: eughghgw

BUBS: {offscreen} 10 dollars!

CHWOKA: Why, with a billion dollars, he could buy 100 million hands!

ZAREL: Crap...

{Cut to the Field, Zarel's missing hand is replaced with a bucket. He sits on his bucket hand.

SKUB: I gotta give him a hand; I'd usually pay an arm and a leg for jokes like these, but I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that this sure is a side-splitting show!!!
BROOKSIE: ilu

Coach Z walks in}

COACH Z: Hey there, Zorrel!

CHWOKA: The wind dragoon.

What gotcha down?

CHWOKA: WHAT'S GOIN' DOWN?

ZAREL: I don't know what I'd do with a billion dollars.

NACHOMAN: Women. Houses. Cars. Paintings. Some land. A seat in congress. A hot air balloon, some new sneakers, a space shuttle, good lord anything just have some freaking imagination

COACH Z: Well the best way to find out is to start makin' it! Now put that bucket to use and drop me some beats!

BLUEBRY: COACH Z BOUT TO RIP IT UP REPPIN WEST SIDE

ZAREL: Uh...sure?

{Zarel drums on the buckets to a rhythmic beat}

CHWOKA: As opposed to...?

COACH Z: {rapping} These peoples try to fade me!

CHWOKA: Something seems familiar here...
SKUB: I CAN'T GUESS

{Cut back to the Cappy}

ZAREL: {typing slowly} Well,

CHWOKA: W...E...L...L...

Sushiyama, I have no freakin' clue what I'd do.

BLUEBRY: seriously. not even charity

I guess, save...for an emergency or something.

CHWOKA: Facts are useless in emergencies.
SKUB: "The orphanage is burning down! Somebody do something!" "Well, ma'am, I know what to do! We'll just wait for it to be demolished and then I'll build a new one!" "The day is saved??"

{stops} Well this sucks, I only have one actual Zarel hand now.

BLUEBRY: buy a new one also eughghgw

NOTICE

CHWOKA: You are being evicted.

You have one new message.

ZAREL: Huh. I wonder what this could be.

Subject: Buckethands

Dear Zarel,

How do you type with

SKUB: Bocksing gloves

a bucket for a hand?

Sincerely,

Homestar

CHWOKA: Very carefully.
NACHOMAN: Ask Skub.

{Zarel lets out a huge groan, The Paper comes down}

Easter Eggs

• Click on "Samiyaza" after Zarel refers to it as a Japanese dish to see a picture of a plate of assorted sushi.
• Click on "Buckethands" for a scene.

Easter Egg Transcript

{Cut to Bubs' Concession Stand}

COACH Z: Say there, Bubs, whatcha got today?

BUBS: A lucky dragon's paw!

CHWOKA: He's so lucky, he won a billion dollars!
SKUB: Just you wait, your son's zombie will show up right at your doorstep and you might not enjoy that

Only 10 bucks! {Holds up Zarel's disembodied hand

CHWOKA: It is still writhing around uncontrollably.

}

COACH Z: Holy gorsh! That's the best looking back scratcher I've seen!

{Zarel in the distance lets out a huge groan}

NACHOMAN: please don't let that groan mean what I think it does

Fun Facts

• Homestar talks about getting a website if he had a billion dollars, when he already has one already.

CHWOKA: How do you find the Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki without seeing this page first.
SKUB: Whats a Honestar.
BLUEBRY: omg that's what that thing in the corner is

• Zarel's bucket hand and the Coach Z rap are references to sbemail: new hands. I had planned on giving Zarel the new hands email instead of this.

CHWOKA: Why, this Fun Fact isn't fun at all!

• Zarel's second email in this episode is a take on the "how do you type with boxing gloves" emails.

NACHOMAN: I am shocked and appalled!

• Bubs calls Zarel's hand a "lucky dragon's paw," which refers to monkey paws or rabbit's feet, which were believed to bring good luck.
• This is the first instance of Zarel's take-apart ability in Zarel E-Mail. The first in his entire filmography was in his character video.

SKUB: I'm surprised he wasn't ripping himself apart in email 1.
NACHOMAN: This can only mean there is more to come and personally I cannot wait!