Zarel Emails/8

This email has been re-written as of 2014. To view the original, click here.

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Zarel E-Mail #8

Zarel is asked what kind of The Cheat he would have.

Cast (in order of appearance): Zarel, The Cheat, Zarel-esque Cheat, Old Cheat, The Hacks, Strong Bad, King of Town

Places: Zarel's House, Blue Showscreen, The Field

Transcript

{Cut to Zarel's Room}

ZAREL: {singing} I'm Zarel, I'm the best, and I've come to check email...I'll sit and never run, stay until- {stops} Okay, let’s just get on with it.

subj: cheez

Zarel,
If you could have a the cheat, what would he or she look like? Not the Cheat

ZAREL: {typing} Well if you’re not The Cheat, then who are you? Stop confusing me! Anyway, if I could have a The Cheat...Hm. This is a tough decision... This decision requires visual planning! Ooooh...Blue Showscreeeeen?

{Cut to the Blue Showscreen}

ZAREL: {voiceover} Alright, so here is a the Cheat.

{The Cheat appears onscreen}

THE CHEAT: Meh!

ZAREL: {voiceover} Now...hm...I guess I'd like to have this The Cheat of mine to have my features...just so people know it's mine. Nothing says “I own this” quite like making something look like you!

{The Cheat morphs into a more Zarel-looking The Cheat, gaining Zarel's eyes, nose, wings, horns, and tail.}

ZAREL: {voiceover} Wait...no. {record scratch} That kind of thing's just too cliché of an idea. Redo!

{Zarel Cheat's head explodes}

ZAREL-CHEAT: MEEEEH!

{Zarel Cheat fades out, another The Cheat drops in}

ZAREL: {voiceover} Okay, so...I guess I'll have to pick my Cheat's color. Hm...I think I'd like a gray-haired one...

{The Cheat's hair turns gray, The Cheat hunches over and is standing up with a cane}

THE CHEAT: Meeeeeh...

ZAREL: {voiceover} Wait, no no no...I asked for gray fur, not an old The Cheat who's fur is graying! Redo!

{The old Cheat poofs into dust with a coughing noise (a la Sicky Sam), a new The Cheat drops down}

ZAREL: {voiceover} Okay, so gray fur. Like...metal gray.

{The Cheat onscreen turns gray and shiny}

THE CHEAT: Meh?

ZAREL: Hm...I just got this good idea. Let's just say my Cheat was a machine and you could stomp on his...foot...pad...to open his mouth...

{Cut to The Field, Strong Bad and Zarel's The Cheat are standing there, Strong Bad is holding an empty Cold One}

ZAREL: {voiceover} ...and use him as a trash compactor?

{Strong Bad stomps on the gray Cheat's footpad. The gray Cheat opens its mouth and Strong Bad tosses the bottle in it. The gray Cheat closes his mouth, makes some rumbling Cheat noises and then grins, making a Cheat noise sounding like "ding"}

STRONG BAD: Look where technology's got us now! {thumbs up}

ZAREL: {voiceover} Oh! And maybe if his idiocy or lameness sensors go off...

{Cut to The Stick, Zarel's Cheat stands there looking around, The King of Town walks by}

KING OF TOWN: Doohoohoohoo...

ZAREL: {voiceover} He could give him the proper beating!

{Zarel's Cheat opens its mouth and a robotic arm with an alarm light on it holding a rolling pin pops out, Zarel's Cheat starts beating the King with it as the alarm blares}

KING OF TOWN: Oof! Ooh! Naughty little animal! I'll...Oof!

{Cut back to the Cappy}

ZAREL: {typing} And as for a name, because everything has to have a name...hm...I've got one! The Hacks! {a fanfare is heard} It's a wonderful name for a little guy like him...I should probably go see if could ask the Blacksmith for a favor, or even kidnap him and-

THE CHEAT: {offscreen} MEEEEEEEEEEEEH!

ZAREL: Eh?

{Zarel gets beaned with the Cheat's old Tangerine Dreams computer monitor, knocking his upper half off his waist}

ZAREL: OOWWW! {zoom out, Zarel's torso is propped on his legs} The Cheat...what'd you do that for!? And how did you get in here?

THE CHEAT: Meh meh meh mehdle meeeeeeeh!

ZAREL: "There can be only one..." What? Only one what? Only one day? Only one sandwich left in the fridge?

{The Cheat facepalms and takes the computer with him}

ZAREL: Freakin’ drama queen. Not like The Hacks would ever happen...or would it?

{The Paper}

Trivia

• The email opener is a take on the refrain of Wormsong, a song in most of the Worms series games.
• The Cheat's line before Zarel gets hit with the Tangerine Dreams would translate to "HAAAAAAAAAAAAX!" which is a reference to The G-Mod Idiot Box, in which Dr. Breen from Half-Life (or Dr. Haxx) would point, scream "HAAAAAAAX!" and then proceed to toss a computer monitor at the hacker, mainly Chuckles the Cheat. Clip from GIB
• "There can be only one" is the reference to The Highlander.