Space-Aged Stupidity/eps/notso17butnot18yet

Summary

After a rough time escaping one of the biggest world disasters of the 20th century, the crew dry themselves off and put the Time Machine away, never to fall into the wrong hands again. That is, until it's found straight after and used inappropriately due to the shenanigans of B-621 and Unholy Tracy.

Transcript

The scene opens with the Time Machine fading in from time and space. As it fully materializes in present-time, the door opens, and the whole crew tumble out of it, every single one of them ringing wet from seawater. They all struggle to pick themselves up, while shaking all the water off their bodies.

RYAN-X: Right. This is the last time I go on holiday with any of you.

SEPHIROTH: Hey, how was I supposed to know that out of all the 20th century luxury cruises we could have gone on, we just happened to go on the one that sunk?

RYAN-X: Gee, I don't know! Reading a history book, perhaps? Hell, you could have just watched the goddamn movie to see what happens!

WADE: I dunno 'bout you guys, but I-a thought it was fun-fun-fun!!!

CHAOS: That's only because you spent the whole entire cruise trip eating in the banquet hall.

SEPHIROTH: Yeah, you were so deep in your eating trance that we actually had to save you from the water!

CHAOS: You should thank him, really. I just suggested that we go ahead and leave you behind. It's not like we don't have enough annoying novelty characters onboard, anyhow.

B-621: MAN, THAT WAS FREAKING AWESOME. GUYS, WE SHOULD TOTALLY GO BACK AGAIN. LIKE... TO THE 1960S. SEE ALL THE COOL HIPPIES AND STUFF, YEAH.

UNHOLY TRACY: Yeah, man. Like.. go back and smoke bud with Hendrix or something. This machine, dude, we could do absolutely anything.

CHAOS: Yeah, as much as I'd like to do all that shit, you really have to keep in mind that we were lucky that we didn't mess things up when we were on the Titanic. Man, who would know what would happen if we hung out with Hendrix, huh? Knowing you idiots, we'd probably end up causing World War III. Seph? Tell them.

SEPHIROTH: Well personally, I don't think it would be that much of a big-...

CHAOS: DAMN IT SEPH, IT'S THE LAW OF PARADOXES. YOU KNOW...YOU DO SHIT IN THE PAST, AND IT EFFECTS SHIT IN THE FUTURE? NO. NO. TIME MACHINE IS OFF-LIMITS, FOR SCIENTIFIC USE ONLY.

SEPHIROTH: Hey, I'm the captain here, I-...

CHAOS: I CREATED THE DAMN MACHINE. NO, I DECLARE THE MACHINE OFF-LIMITS. GO MESS SHIT UP IN SOME OTHER PLACE WHILE I FIND A PLACE TO PUT THIS INFERNAL CONTRAPTION.

{Chaos picks the machine up singlehandedly and walks offscreen with it as the crowd disperses, all muttering in disappointment. Cut to the dining hall, six hours later. The entire room is empty, except for Unholy Tracy and B-621 sitting together at the center of the hall.}

UNHOLY TRACY: Man, Chaos sucks! He's always telling us to "do this, do that", and now he's not even letting us use the time machine! I mean, what harm could we possibly do with it, anyway?

B-621: Yeah, I know!! And Sephiroth too, I mean, he's the captain!! He's the one with the power! But what does he do?

UNHOLY TRACY: {In a mocking voice, imitating Sephiroth's} "Gee guys, I think we should do what Chaos says! He's the doctor!"

B-621: The thing is? I don't even think he's an actual doctor! When has he ever patched up our injuries?

UNHOLY TRACY: Yeah, you're right. Now that I think of it, it's always been K-Bot who's done that kind of stuff. Chaos just.. spends most of his time in his lab, making crazy inventions that always try to kill us!

B-621: You know what, Tracy? I think we need to...

{Close in zoom of B-621's face}

B-621: Buy some extra time.

{Zoom back out}

UNHOLY TRACY: No offense dude, but that pun was kinda sucky.

B-621: Hey, it's the best I could think up on the spot, okay? Let's just go grab that machine.

{Cut to Chaos' lab, where he is observing the Time Machine. He pulls out a big white sheet and throws it over the machine.}

CHAOS: Ah, excellent! Nobody will ever suspect it being under a white sheet! Great thinking, Chaos.

{Chaos walks out of his lab and into the hallway where he bumps into Tracy and B-621.}'

CHAOS: Oh. it's you two. Scooby and Shaggy. What are you two doing around here at this hour? Your quarters are on the other side of the ship.

UNHOLY TRACY: What? It's not like there's a rule against walking around at the dead of night now, is there?

CHAOS: Hm, I suppose you're right. Well, I'm off. Need to catch on some Z's. Gotta be extra alert for tomorrow, y'know. Sciencey, experiment stuff.. yeah. Nothing you cretins would understand anyway. Laters.

{Chaos walks past Tracy and B-621 and they both continue on their way. Pan over to Chaos' face as he's walking.}

CHAOS: {Monologuing} Pfft, it's obvious those dolts are trying to access the Time Machine. Little do they know that I've hidden it in the one place they wouldn't ever suspect. I can't even imagine a scenario where they would even come across it, not at all.

{Chaos chuckles to himself}

CHAOS: Chaos, you sly dog, you. You need to treat yourself one day, just forget about the rest of the crew and spend the rest of your time watching soap operas. Now that is pleasure, mmmhmm.

{Cut to Tracy and B-621 entering the laboratory. As they walk through it, several weird and nasty things are on display, including a dissected Neoptr, a human skull, a beating heart inside a jar, and a half-eaten twix bar. They reach the end of the laboratory and see the time machine, just standing there with a white cloth hanging over it.}

B-621: ...Really?

UNHOLY TRACY: Wow. You can tell that Chaos wasn't the hide and seek champion of 20x6.

B-621: You can really say that again.

{The two pull the cloth off the machine, and they both take no time to climb aboard it. Closing the doors, they observe the panel, which is a complicated display of blinkers and bleepers.}

B-621: Right. So, how do we work this thing?

UNHOLY TRACY: Shit, I actually have no idea.

B-621: Wanna just push random buttons until something happens?

UNHOLY TRACY: Gee, that doesn't sound irresponsible and proving of his point at all.

{Silence}

UNHOLY TRACY: Let's do it.

{The two proceed to smash random buttons, but nothing happens. This goes on for twenty seconds before Unholy Tracy stops.}

UNHOLY TRACY: WAIT.

B-621: Huh?

UNHOLY TRACY: There was something we forgot! I distinctly remember Chaos turning the machine on from the outside first, oops. Just a sec.

{Tracy gets out of the Time Machine and walks around to the back, where he pulls a giant lever.}

B-621: That was the air conditioning!

UNHOLY TRACY: Oops, sorry.

{Tracy then flicks a much smaller switch right next to the lever and the machine begins to vibrate. Cut back to B-621 observing the display. The blinkers stop blinking, and the control panel flips over to a more elegantly and simply designed control panel, with a number pad and an LED display for the dates.}

B-621: Oh, it's on!!

{B-621 tries to type in "Janurary 29th, 1961", but ends up typing in "1941" instead. Unaware of this mistake, he also accidentally leans on a button that determines location. An interactive screen display comes down from the top, showing a world map.}

B-621: Hey Tracy!! Where are we going again?

UNHOLY TRACY: 1960s San Francisco, of course!

B-621: Right, I see!

{Zoom into the map, which is focused on Europe.}

B-621: LA... Hmm.. Where's LA?

UNHOLY TRACY: Hell if I know! Just pick something, I'm sure the 1960s has a great culture wherever we go! We'll just pop out for a few hours, and bring it right back, good as new! No one will suspect a thing!

B-621: Alright! Hmm... Ooh, Europe. They had the song contest there! Yeah, umm...

{B-621 presses a random spot on the map, which just happens to be the center of Berlin, Germany.}

B-621: Right, I'm ready! Hop aboard, dude!

{As Tracy prepares to get around to get in, B-621 accidentally leans on another button. The machine starts fading out, with Unholy Tracy on the outside still.}

UNHOLY TRACY: Shit. Shit. Shit!!!

B-621: Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap.

UNHOLY TRACY; Reverse it!!!

B-621: I don't know how!!!

{As Tracy attempts to hop onto the machine, it vanishes into thin air, causing him to fall flat on his face.}

UNHOLY TRACY: FUCK.

{Cut to Sephiroth's bedroom, where he is sleeping on the floor, having fallen off. Tracy runs in and shakes him awake.}

UNHOLY TRACY: CAPTAIN, CAPTAIN, CAPTAAAAAAAIN!!!

SEPHIROTH: WHAT WHAT WHAT????

UNHOLY TRACY: SOMETHING AWFUL HAS HAPPENED, OH MY GOD WE SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO YOU AND CHAOS, MAN, SHITTTTT.

SEPHIROTH: Oh God, if you're actually admitting that, this must be bad. What happened?

UNHOLY TRACY: ...The time machine.

SEPHIROTH: What about the time machine?

UNHOLY TRACY: Well... B-6 and I just decided to take the machine on a little spin, y'know? A little bit of fun and all that bollocks. Well.. some stuff happened, and he kinda ended up catapulting himself into the past without me, and.. we didn't know how to work the machine.

SEPHIROTH: ...Oh, you idiot.

{Cut back to the Laboratory, where the crew are standing around the white sheet where the machine once stood. Chaos is pacing up and down in a frenzy.}

CHAOS: Shit, shit shit!! How the hell did you find it? I hid it perfectly!!!!

UNHOLY TRACY: With a white sheet?

SEPHIROTH: Seriously, Chaos?

CHAOS: Hey, the sheet method never failed me in the past!

K-BOT: What exactly are we going to do about B-6?

CHAOS: Never fear. I knew one of you idiots would end up doing this, so that's why I built this recovery device! Watch and behold!

{Chaos pulls out a device that looks just like car keys, and he presses a button on them. The machine materializes right in front of them.}

SEPHIROTH: Where's B-6?

CHAOS: Hm. The little bastard must have gotten out. No doubt he's messing shit up in the past, just like I said he would. Lemme just check where he went...

{Chaos goes inside and looks at the coordinates. Immediately after, he runs out in shock.}

CHAOS: GREAT SCOTT!!!

SEPHIROTH: What's wrong?!

CHAOS: Well, out of all the times and places he could've gone to, he went to what could possibly be the most volatile and dangerous one in history. Figures.

UNHOLY TRACY: Hey, what's so bad about the 1960s?

CHAOS: Well, minus the Vietnam War and the Cuban Missile Crisis, and a whole bunch of other shit, I guess nothing much. You know what's worse than the 1960s?

UNHOLY TRACY: What?

CHAOS: Your stupid little friend found himself in...

{Cut to the streets of Berlin in 1941. B-621 is walking through a crowd of people and looking at his surroundings.}

B-621: Huh... San Francisco seems much greyer than I thought it would be. And everybody looks like a total square! Where's the music, the dancing, the indiscriminate drug use? Where's the unprotected sex with strangers?!

{Suddenly, the people surrounding B-621 all move to the side, leaving B-621 standing alone. They ignore him as he speaks to them.}

B-621: Hey guys! What gives? Do I smell bad or something? Robots don't need to take showers, y'know!

{A car drives into the scene from the side. It is jet black, and adorned with Swastikas. Inside are a group of Nazi soldiers who notice B-621 and begin speaking among themselves in German. B-621 turns to face them.}

B-621: Oh, hi! Can any of you nice men tell me where the beach is?

{Cut back to the laboratory.}

SEPHIROTH: The Nazis? Seriously!?

UNHOLY TRACY: Oh geez... my bad.

{Suddenly, the lights inside of the lab begin to flicker as the ship is thrown into heavy turbulence. Sephiroth looks outside of the window to see a lightning storm occuring in the void of space.}

SEPHIROTH: Check this out! Space lightning.

CHAOS: That's not lightning. Damn it! He's barely been there for five minutes, and his presence alone in that time and place is altering the future as we speak! K-Bot, check the history archives!!

K-BOT: Right away, sir!

{K-Bot pulls out a tablet with all the world's history stored onto it.}

CHAOS: Look up.. hm.. World War II.

{K-Bot types something into the tablet and gasps in shock at the results.}

K-BOT: Look at this, Doctor.

{He quickly passes the tablet over to Chaos who reads it out loud.}

CHAOS: World War II, also known as the Second World War, was a global war that lasted from 1939 to 1942. It involved the vast majority of the world's nations—including all of the great powers—eventually forming two opposing military alliances: the Allies and the Axis. It was the most widespread war in history, with more than 100 million people serving in military units from over 30 different countries, yadda yadda...

SEPHIROTH: 1942? I thought the war ended in 1945?

CHAOS: According to this, the war ended abruptly in 1942, after a shocking surprise attack by the Axis Powers destroyed the allied effort in a single battle. The victory was attributed to a miraculous technological breakthrough on their behalf.

SEPHIROTH: Oh god no.

CHAOS: The "Eisen Blitzkrieg Vernichter" were a series of autonomous war machines were used by the Axis during the Liberation of North America. These machines proved to be unstoppable in combat, and within days, the Allies surrendered in defeat. With the initial liberation of the entire western hemisphere, Adolf Hitler was world renowned as the greatest commander in history. His dream of a thousand year reich was an astounding success, with the Nazi German Empire standing as the biggest and longest standing empire in history.

K-BOT: I can't believe it. Hitler won.

CHAOS: And all because of that stupid damn robot!

SEPHIROTH: I don't get it. If the Nazis won, why aren't we speaking German?

CHAOS: Time operates as a ripple effect. At this current moment, the changes made in the past have yet to reach us entirely. It could take as long as several years, or it could even start to change in a matter of sec-...

{K-Bot has suddenly vanished, while the appearance of lab's interior begins to shift into a color scheme that is primarily black and red.}

CHAOS: Now.

{Zoom out to reveal that the Leviathan X has turned into the "Vaterschaft-88" and in place of its regular logo is the symbol of the black sun.}

CHAOS: We need to hurry and fix this before we find ourselves displaced.

UNHOLY TRACY: Shit dude...

CHAOS: If it weren't for you and your stupid friend, this wouldn't be happening!

SEPHIROTH: Let's do this, guys. Let's save our friend, and KICK SOME NAZI ASS!!

{Sephiroth, Chaos, and Unholy Tracy climb into the machine and launch it. Cut to 1941 Berlin. The time machine lands right in front of the Reich Chancellery, in an almost convenient manner. The three climb out, and Chaos disguises the machine by throwing a cloth over it.}

CHAOS: Perfect.

SEPHIROTH: So, Chaos? Any idea how much time has passed here since B-2 landed?

CHAOS: Not much, I'd assume. A day or so, perhaps?

UNHOLY TRACY: So, what are we gonna do? We just gonna waltz in, find him, and get the hell outta here?

CHAOS: Gee, I dunno. I don't think it would be that easy, you know, walking into the main base of operations for a nation currently caught in an massive war?

SEPHIROTH: It's obvious what we have to do.

CHAOS: Huh?

SEPHIROTH: We have to knock out a few guards, steal their clothing and infiltrate the compound, obviously.

CHAOS: You really think that would work?

{5 minutes later, in a street corner just across the road from the Reich Chancellery. Three SS guards are lying on the ground unconscious, and the crew are in their uniforms.}

CHAOS: I can't believe that worked.

UNHOLY TRACY: Man, this feels so nasty. Dressing like a goddamn Nazi really wasn't something that was on my bucket list, y'know.

CHAOS: Perhaps you should have thought about that BEFORE YOU TOUCHED MY MACHINE, HUH?

SEPHIROTH: Guys, let's not argue, let's just get in there and grab him as quick as possible.

{Cut to the interior of the Reich Chancellery. The three are walking down the aisles, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible.}

CHAOS: You know, I don't approve of any of the nasty stuff these guys have done, but you can't fault them on their fashion choices.

UNHOLY TRACY: Chaos, what the hell?

CHAOS: Hey, I'm just saying. I don't support the idea of genocide... well, not all genocides. But these boots, this hat, the immaculate tailored detail of this suit... It really makes you feel powerful, doesn't it?

UNHOLY TRACY: No, it just makes me feel like a goddamn creep, is what it does.

CHAOS: Okay, Seph. How about you? How does this suit make you feel?

SEPHIROTH: I'm not even going to answer that one. Let's just focus on the task.

CHAOS: Hey, suit yourselves. I'm totally nabbing this suit once we're done though.

{The three carry on walking. Chaos gets into character too well as he begins strutting his stuff. He hums the tune of "Springtime for Hitler" to himself.}

UNHOLY TRACY: {Whispering to Seph} Was he always this creepy?

SEPHIROTH: I really would like to say no, but considering how the first time I met him he was being arrested at the pet cemetery for disturbing the peace, I really can't.

UNHOLY TRACY: What was he trying to do?

SEPHIROTH: He felt bad that his parents never let him have a pet growing up, so he wanted to make his own by stitching together animals that "people didn't need anymore".

UNHOLY TRACY: Ew.

SEPHIROTH: I still don't know how you two managed to get here out of all times and places. Why couldn't you have picked something less controversial, like... I don't know, the French Revolution?

CHAOS: Don't bother. I already went there. It turns out Napoleon wasn't a lizard spy in disguise. Total waste of time.

UNHOLY TRACY: Right. Anyway, do we even know where we're looking?

{Cut to a laboratory underneath a medieval Bavarian castle. B-621 has been strapped to a table as scientists observe him.}

B-621: You know, and don't quote me on this, but I'm starting to get the feeling that this isn't the fun 1960s.

SCIENTIST: Interesting. For a metal beast, you have not shut up since they brought you here.

B-621: Metal beast? Now that's just rude, mister! I am not a beast, I was programmed with special table manners, thank you very much!

SCIENTIST: An enemy weapon, perhaps? Hm. We shall soon find out what you are.

B-621: Weapon? Oh, you have me mistaken. I'm all about peace, man. Peace and-... wait, what are you doing?

{The scientist has already proceeded to take B-621 apart, starting by opening his chest cavity, revealing his circutry underneath.}

B-621: WOW. YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST TOOK ME OUT FOR DINNER FIRST, HOW RUDE.

SCIENTIST: It carries on speaking. I wonder where it is from.

B-621: Gee, check for yourself.

{The scientist looks closer inside, noticing the information written in sharpie. It says "Made in New New Mexico."}

SCIENTIST: Interesting...

{The scientist takes notes on his notepad before continuing to operate on B-621.}

B-621: Y'know, considering how you've already gone second-and-a-half base, you could at least tell me who you are, you freaky sixties doctor!!

SCIENTIST: Sixties?

B-621: Yeah! As in the nineteen sixties! Which is where I went... which is...

{B-621 pauses to look around.}

B-621: Wait a second.

{He stares closely at the scientist.}

B-621: Oh god. This isn't America, is it?

SCIENTIST: What? No, it's-...

B-621: You speak funny. In the 60s... and this isn't... America... that means... Oh no. No. No. No. NO.

SCIENTIST: Can you let me fin-...

B-621: YOU'RE A COMMUNIST! YOU'RE THE BAD GUY OF THE 60s, OH MY GOD NO I DIDN'T WANT TO BE KIDNAPPED BY A COMMUNIST, I DON'T EVEN LOOK GOOD IN THE COLOR RED, NO PLEASE GOD NO WHY

{The scientist is visibly angered by this statement.}

SCIENTIST: I AM NOT A COMMUNIST!

B-621: You.. aren't?

{The scientist huffs, before straightening his tie.}

SCIENTIST: I am Dr. Werher von Braun, and I am the chief engineer of the German technological program. You were found wandering the streets of Berlin, and you were immediately transported here for experimentation. I mainly deal with rockets, but... I'm diverse.

B-621: So you're not a communist. Phew. That's a relief. You almost had me frightened there! Oh wow, what a misunderstanding, huh?

VON BRAUN: Quite.

B-621: So... German. Oh hey. Does that mean that you're a Nazi?

VON BRAUN: Yes?

B-621: That means...

{Wernher Von Braun raises an eyebrow. B-621 yells in terror.}

B-621: YOU'RE THE BAD GUYS FROM INDIANA JONES!!!

'{Wernher Von Braun sighs and puts his hand to his face. He grabs a small buzzsaw from his table.}

VON BRAUN: Let's just carry on with the experiment!

{Cut back to the Reich Chancellery. The three are walking down a hallway, until they notice a door which is adorned with the eagle and the swastika.}

UNHOLY TRACY: Ooh, I wonder what's in here!

{Tracy grabs the door handle and begins to pull it. Sephiroth and Chaos yell.}

SEPHIROTH AND CHAOS: TRACY, NO!

UNHOLY TRACY: What? He might be in-

{The two try and stop him from opening the door, but they are too late. All three of them stumble into a highly decorated office with a desk and a war table. Standing around the war table are Adolf Hitler, Heinrich Himmler, and Joseph Goebbels, who were in a meeting. All three of them turn and face them.}

SEPHIROTH: Uhhhh... hi!

{Goebbels walks towards them.}

GOEBBELS: What is the meaning of this? How dare you intrude on this meeting! Why, all three of you should be executed right here on the spot, for-...

{Hitler shushes him.}

HITLER: Joseph, please. There is no need to be so rash.

{Goebbels steps back.}

GOEBBELS: O-of course, Mein Fuhrer.

HIMMLER: This still raises questions, however. I instructed the troops not to intrude on our meetings. Mein Fuhrer, if I may, I suggest that they are punished at once!

UNHOLY TRACY: Uhh... we thought this was the bathroom?

{Chaos turns to Tracy.}

CHAOS: Really? Is that the best you could come up with?

{Hitler looks at them as he raises an eyebrow. Himmler and Goebbels look at Hitler, anticipating what he will say next. Suddenly, Hitler bursts into laughter.}

HITLER: Ahahahahaha! Did you two hear that?

{Himmler and Goebbels chuckle awkwardly alongside Hitler. The three also begin chuckling, even more awkwardly.}

HITLER: That is funny!!! Hahahahaha! The bathroom!! Hahahaha!!!! Did you want to go for a pee or a poo?

{Hitler laughs harder. Tracy whispers to Chaos and Lex.}

UNHOLY TRACY: It wasn't that funny at all...

{Suddenly, the laughter stops.}

HITLER: WHAT did you just say?

UNHOLY TRACY: I said, it was an absolute ball!

{Hitler blinks before resuming his laughter. Himmler and Goebbels also resume laughing. The three do not. As the laughter begins to die down, Hitler moves to his desk and takes a seat as he chuckles to himself.}

HITLER: Ahh, the bathroom. Pee or poo. Hahaha. That was good.

HIMMER: Sir, what do you propose we do with them?

HITLER: Hmm.

{Hitler points to Sephiroth.}

HITLER: You. You shall be taken and photographed to serve as a model for a new line of recruitment posters.

{Hitler then points to Unholy Tracy.}

HITLER: You shall escort Herr Himmler to a meeting with the Italian Ambassador.

{Hitler points to Chaos.}

HITLER: And you. You shall be placed under guard duty at one of our laboratories.