RiffText/Wikihood1/Ep 5

Synopsis

The system is do- do- do- do- wn.

NOXIGAR: OBLIGATORY HOMESTAR RUNNER REFERENCES EVERY TEN LINES OR SO.

Transcript

{Cut to The Field. It keeps flickering from white to the Field. Count X, The 386 and Techno are standing there. OOC: No randomness.}

NOXIGAR: "No randomness," huh? Welp, I guess this episode's execution will bend that rule out of shape fast.

COUNT X: So, Techno, any plans for the future? I would like your input, The 386.

TECHNO: Umm… not pigeons. Got, nothin'. Maybe we need a bad guy since Evil is kind of gone.

NOXIGAR: "We need an original antagonist!"

THE 386: Oof. I agree. This had better be the last freakin' time we see him.

NOXIGAR: "I'm tired of every one-sided match where I kick his ass over and over, thereby making all episodes anticlimactic!"

TECHNO: Umm… you know you're talking about me, right?

THE 386: No, I'm talking about Evil.

TECHNO: I WAS EVIL! Of course, the suit I had was alive. And when you chop someone's head off, roll it in a carpet, put duct tape around them, and then set it on fire… YOU BETTER HOPE IT'S DEAD! {OOC: That quote was from "Whose Line is it Anyway?".}

NOXIGAR: It's too bad I don't like "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

THE 386: Yeah, it's gone! Please don't hurt me!

COUNT X: What about... {evil} the Creator? {/evil}

{Evil slinks onscreen}

EVIL: That was so not me.

TECHNO: Nah.

COUNT X: Techno, how about General Greivous, the deceased Kaleesh warlord turned cyborg? Or Sidious? Or new NPC's? I know! Yoda!

NOXIGAR: I be the Khaleesi will want to hear about this. Or not, since it's Star Wars and therefore a total joke.

TECHNO: Grevious! Kaleesh!

COUNT X: You go to thy Wookieepedia, right?

NOXIGAR: "Fie! Thy Wookieepedia hath ooutsmarted me for the last time! Come, and let's be true gamers by shooting its head off with a shotgun!"

TECHNO: ¡Sí, Amigo! Pero ninguna cuenta.

COUNT X: Alright, that's settled. Now, on to the em- erm, show.

ERIC: Boooring. The terminal still screwed up. I can't fix it this time.

NOXIGAR: WHAT TERMINAL?! THE VAGUENESS IS TOO MUCH FOR HOW LITTLE DETAIL ACTUALLY COMES OUT OF THESE TRAINWRECKS'

COUNT X: YOU???

THE 386: Oh, no way, man. {brandishes his energy sword} I'll kill the scum who did it!

COUNT X: {in Palpatine's voice} I am the senate. {/Palpatine}

NOXIGAR: At least Count X didn't start referencing Half-Life at this point. Or Halo. Or Haruhi Suzumiya.

I mean. Let's go to a random Star Wars planet.

{Cut to Kalee. Count X, Eric, The 386 and Techno are there, then General Grievous walks onscreen.}

GRIEVOUS: Leave.

{Noxigar high-fives General Grievous.}

THE 386: No way, man! We're gonna have guest stars!

COUNT X: Go home and run to "Cho'mamma."

{The 386 suddenly brandishes his energy sword}

{Cut to Mygeeto. The afformentented characters in the brackets above are there, also the 501st Leigon are there.}

COUNT X: CLONE TROOPERS!

{TO BE CONTINUED flashes onscreen.}

COUNT X: Man, this this unpopular. THE EPISODE 3 IS NOT FINISHED!

NOXIGAR: None of these Episodes are "finished" in any conventional sense.

{Mortal Kombat battle intro is heard. OOC: this'll be the dramatic sting}

THE 386: Holy crap! You just took the words out of Markie's mouth!

PIEINBUBSFACE: {jumps in} Never fear! {Stands still for 5 seconds} ummm... I can't do any thing without progressing the plot.

THE 386: Dang! {cut outside to reveal they're on a train in Starfox 64} Detach the rear vehicle!

NOXIGAR: Hm, the train is late.

COUNT X: {jumps from top of screen} Ahh! Stop making this fanstuff. STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! Now.

{Count X swoops his scythe at PieinBubsFace, The 386 and Techno.}

AUSSIE: Come on, you guys. Star Wars? Bleh. We need some good 24th Century Delta Quadrant action, not this junk.

{Cut to the bridge of the Enterprise-D.}

AUSSIE: Whoa!

STRONG SADER: Ummm... Hi! I just moved in. But... considering the random background changes, I think I should probably...

{Laser beam from off-screen blows his leg off.}

STRONG SADER: OW! {Teeters to the side} Woah! {Falls over.}

TECHNO: Where's Stotheb when you need him? {Pulls a green lightsaber out.}

NOXIGAR: You can barely establish Strong Sader as a character, ferchrissakes! How do you expect anyone to know who Stotheb is?

STRONG SADER: {Drags himself away.} Pay no attention to the crippled guy.

NOXIGAR: But I have a fascination for cripples, bastards, and broken things! I can't help but pay attention to the fact you're now crippled! And people wonder why I don't reference things I like often anymore

THE 386: There's no way you should pay attention at all.

{Time stops, and Homsar, the universal headmaster walks from the middle of the screen.}

UNIVERSAL HEADMASTER HOMSAR: No, this cheesecake will not fit.

NOXIGAR: How hard is it to keep Homsar in character? I'm not even sure that line does anything to help!

{A bright flash of energy engulfs the screen and everyone is back on the field, before Count X referenced Star Wars. OOC: Everyone forgets what has happened in this ep.}

NOXIGAR: Wow, you're right! I am to forget that I high-fived a weird four-armed robot with a hockey mask who had the most bitchin' name ever, despite being from some shitty sci-fi movie series people like too much!

COUNT X: Um...

STRONG SADER: Why's my leg missing?

NOXIGAR: Because reasons.

THE 386: What the crap happened? {brandishes his energy sword} I'll find out who got us into this mess!

STRONG SADER: Oh, Hi! My name is Strong Sader, I moved in today. Can we be friends?

THE 386: {points} YOU! You got us into this mess! {chases after Strong Sader}

{The 386 starts strangling Strong Sader.}

STRONG SADER: Looks like this is it. {Passes-out}

{Noxigar yawns.}

COUNT X: You. {points at The 386} You, you, JERK!

{Count X runs after The 386, scythe in air.}

THE 386: You wouldn't dare! {Mortal Kombat battle intro is heard}

NOXIGAR: REFERENCES! REFERENCES EVERYWHERE! AND NOT A SINGLE DROP OF PLOT SUBSTANCE TO DRINK!

{The crippled and dying Strong Sader is lying down on the floor.}

STRONG SADER: The light... It's so... beautiful... Grandma?...

THE 386: I DIDN'T STRANGLE STRONG SADER!

COUNT X: One slice.

{Count X freezes time and restores Strong Sader's leg and slices both of The 386's legs. OOC: NOT PERMANENT. Time unfreezes. The 386's arms are still there, but slide off slowly.}

COUNT X: Ha, let's do this.

STRONG SADER: This new town is weird.

NOXIGAR: Not really. It's just the average kind of humour you would find from anything in 2006. Lots of references, and the meaning of "satire" being completely scattered to the winds as people think Family Guy is funny while I'm trying to not fall asleep to anything Seth MacFarlane writes because it's all boring trite.

TECHNO: Why am I holding this lightsaber? maybe I can… {He slices him. Count X finally dies (for a limited time only :P)}

NOXIGAR: FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY, COUNT X DYES HIS HAIR PINK!

{the effect wears off}

THE 386: Thanks. Lemme edit before you do, okay?!

{Count X's magic wears off. Strong Sader reverts to his dying self and dies. (Not forever though.)}

{The 386's body reassembles, to let him brandish his energy sword}

COUNT X: {voiceover} Life. Death. It all means nothing... to me. Oh. Oh, crap. It- it's him. The headmaster.

UHH: {voiceover} This is the milk of a cut of cheese.

COUNT X: {voiceover} Oh, please.

{A flsh of light starts to engulf the screen and Count X re appears.}

COUNT X: At 4:59:59, this episode will cease to exist.

NOXIGAR: It still exists. Because of archives. I wanted to let sleeping dogs lie, but the dogs gave everything else rabies. So I have to shoot 'em.

{explosion}

{Black screen. Strong Sader is an angel. He stops in mid-flight}

STRONG SADER: Don't worry folks! I will be in the next episode even though I'm dead.

NOXIGAR: Phew, that's a relief.

COUNT X: SKELETON!

{ending}

Talk

NOXIGAR: Wow. And to think I have 17 more episodes of this dreck to riff.