(even if you aren't vegan)
RiffText/User:Chaosvii7/Battels/Znex
ANNOUNCER: After it's break, and the rescuing of Chaos, Battels is back up and running!
LIGHTNING GUY: Damn it all!
And in our first match of the circuit, we have Chaos facing Znex, the time traveller!
CHAOS: I'm finally ready. And with my new...Pet... I'm bound to win!
ZNEX: Okay....just to make it fair, though, should I keep the Cuff of Time on, thus making me immortal and giving me time travel abilities and thus making the fight a whole lot tougher or should I take it off?
GUFFAW: Take it off. Take it off. Woot. Woot.
LIGHTNING GUY: Guffaw? I thought I turned you off!
LIGHTNING GUY: {groans} Network.
GUFFAW: No, baby. You turn me on just like you always have.
CHAOS: You'll wish you'd kept it on at the end. {Splits into 5 and teleports}
GUFFAW: It is quite cold, but it does not matter. Take it {bzzt}ing off.
ZNEX: I'll keep it on, then.
{Znex disappears and appears behind each of the Chaos clones' backs and knocks them all out in a split second in succession and then appears back.}
ZNEX: Your...turn!
LIGHTNING GUY: Ellipses abuse is America's biggest problem.
GUFFAW: Actually, mercury poisoning is the biggest problem of America. I know that because I read it on the Wikipedia.
{Chaos clears away the red mist to reveal a near-dead Znex.}
CHAOS: Now we're getting somewhere.
LIGHTNING GUY: We never are.
ZNEX: What is all the red mist supposed to be for, anyway? Besides, with the Cuff of Time on, I can't be killed. Just...don't try to kill me okay?
{Znex gets out a red and white capsule and absorbs it, becoming better,
GUFFAW: At what. I will make the assumption that you mean better in bed because I am a pervert.
and then emits a giant purple beam from his hands, pushing Chaos off his feet and into the air. When he falls down, he's knocked out.}
ZNEX: Your turn.
{Chaos turns into black ash and reappears in back of Znex.}
LIGHTNING GUY: In back of? This is freaking ridiculous! You are a ridiculous person! That's what you are!
CHAOS: I'm sorry, but one of us has to lose, wither way,
GUFFAW: As I watched my love wither away like roses in a hot sun, I could not help but wonder who I was going to bang that night.
LIGHTNING GUY: Poetic, yet horrifying.
and after you go first, it doesn't go in turns, you just battle it out, till the end.
{Chaos digs his hand into Znex's chest, making blood squirt everywhere.}
ZNEX: Ick.
LIGHTNING GUY: You're speaking for all of us.
{pulls Chaos' hand out of his chest and then absorbs another red and white capsule, becoming instantly better} I never knew these matches had to be deathmatches. Oh well.
LIGHTNING GUY: They aren't deathmatches, Chaos is just a troubled little boy.
{Znex flips over Chaos' head and kicks Chaos up in the air. When he comes back down, he does a kick-punch-kick combo, sending him up in the air again. When he comes down yet again, Znex does one almighty kick, sending Chaos out of the planet's orbit.}
ZNEX: You forget, I was, and am, one of the greatest challengers back in 20X6. Oh, just to make sure, ALMIGHTY Z ATTACK! {everything that is within 10000km's reach of him explodes, thus destroying the entire planet}
LIGHTNING GUY: Don't you just hate it when that happens?
Meet you back on Planet K. {fades out and disappears}
{Chaos lands back on the planet, all repaired, fixed, and with Znex standing in the arena.}
CHAOS: I can fix the universe. Now, to assure that it's as fair as it's going to get.
{Chaos opens his coffin, to reveal a mess of tentacles that grab Znex,
GUFFAW: Yes. Double yes.
and destroy his Cuff of Time, then bites him, making a 666 in blood appear on his chest.}
GUFFAW: That was disappointing.
ZNEX: Ick.
LIGHTNING GUY: All of us you're speaking for.
{absorbs red and white capsule, becoming instantly better} Uh, just so you know, the real Cuff of Time is undestroyable. Which means it's on my other arm. Besides, I asked at the beginning if I should take it off or not, and since you didn't give an answer, I kept it on. Anyway...
{Another Znex appears behind Chaos and starts attacking him. After a while, Znex winks at him, with which the other Znex winks back, and then Znex starts charging up, while the other Znex keeps keeping him business.
LIGHTNING GUY: Keeps keeping him business is officially my favorite line ever.
The other Znex then jumps away, which is when Znex releases a beam of such power that it literally tears Chaos apart. Znex then disappears, and the other Znex then grabs the bits of Chaos
GUFFAW: His naughty bits.
and teleports. After a while he teleports back.}
ZNEX: So...I win?
{Chaos appears in front of Znex, and puts his hand in Znex's again,
GUFFAW: Again is a euphemism for
LIGHTNING GUY: Please don't.
GUFFAW: Nutbag.
GUFFAW: I was going to say bag.
LIGHTNING GUY: No. No, you weren't.
this time, pulling out a large, red demon.}
DEMON: Destroy!
CHAOS: Nowhere near it.
ZNEX: Hmmm, strange. But, if you want me to destroy you, then okay!
LIGHTNING GUY: haha you see what he did there
{Znex disappears and the demon explodes, revealing Znex from inside it.}
ZNEX: Now to do a dance. {does a little dance}
GUFFAW: Yes. Shake that thing.
{The demon reforms and returns to Chaos' side.}
CHAOS: Nice try.
{Znex disappears and the demon explodes, revealing Znex from inside it.}
LIGHTNING GUY: Good, good, original, good.
ZNEX: Wanna see how many times I can do this?
IM A BELL: {from audience} Yes.
GUFFAW: I have not seen someone say "yes" that passionately since
LIGHTNING GUY: Alright, that's it! {walks out}
GUFFAW: OK, I was not.
GUFFAW: I was going to say since the Steelers won the Super Bowl.
{Chaos absrobs the Demon, turning into Demon Chaos, but without the stones.}
GUFFAW: Stones is slang for testicles. Just thought you should know that.
DEMON CHAOS: It's a good thing I have control of this form. {slices Znex in half with his Impure Zanmato}
{Znex then comes back together.}
ZNEX: Remember, I am unkillable.
{Znex disappears and Demon Chaos explodes, revealing Znex from inside him.}
GUFFAW: Demon Chaos sure loves having you inside him.
ZNEX: Now do I win?
{Demon Chaos opens his eyes,
GUFFAW: Without ever closing them,
and Znex is in hundreds of pieces.}
DEMON CHAOS: Don't worry. Your loss will be easy to get over.
{Znex comes back together. He closes and opens his eyes, and Chaos is in thousands of pieces.}
GUFFAW: Anything you can do I can do times ten. I can do anything times ten of you. Copyright somebody.
ZNEX: Now do I win?
{Demon Chaos pulls Znex's soul out with an anchor.}
GUFFAW: It would have been easier to do so with your hands.
DEMON CHAOS: Don't worry. I'm just getting help on my side. This will, in no way, harm or kill you.
GUFFAW: He is a professional soul surgeon. He has a PhD and everything.
ZNEX'S SOUL: Um...how come that doesn't make me feel any better?
DEMON CHAOS: I dunno.
{The Cuff of Time starts beeping, and all of a sudden, Znex's soul is sucked
GUFFAW: If only it could end here.
back into his body.}
ZNEX: Wow, I never knew it could do that.
{Znex, pressing a certain button on the Cuff of Time manages to freeze time, and chops Demon Chaos' frozen body into thousands of pieces. After that, he makes it into a milkshake, and gives it to aliens to drink.}
GUFFAW: {drinks milkshake} A bit tangy, but it will do.
ZNEX: NOW do I win?
DEMON CHAOS: Just chopping me up will not make you win. You actually have to retaliate and fight back, not copy things I do and rely on a terrible fashion object.
GUFFAW: Straight guys just do not get fashion. Cuffs are the bomb.
ZNEX: Alrighty...
{Znex jumps on Demon Chaos and
GUFFAW: You have my interest.
does a huge flurry of attacks.}
GUFFAW: Foiled again.
ZNEX: Now do I win?
{Demon Chaos rips off Znex's arm(either one) and swallows it.}
DEMON CHAOS: MM!!!
GUFFAW: Cannibalism will work.
{Znex disappears and reappears in Demon Chaos' stomach, grabs his arm back, and reappears back, and puts his arm back on.}
DEMON CHAOS: You're funny, trying to fix everything.
ZNEX: Why thank you...I think... {stabs Demon Chaos in the back, shoots him ten times, and throws a nuclear bomb into his mouth} Hammerspace can be useful at times. :D
GUFFAW: How does one say an emoticon.
LIGHTNING GUY: {offscreen} That's my joke!
GUFFAW: Hey, the green man is back.
{Demon Chaos swallows the bomb.}
GUFFAW: That was a bad idea. Bombs have like millions of calories.
{Lightning Guy walks onscreen holding a baseball bat.}
LIGHTNING GUY: Prepare to die, you sick robot bastard.
DEMON CHAOS: Yumm!
GUFFAW: {begins to shake and sweat} Hey man, what are you going to do with that bat.
LIGHTNING GUY: Play buzz-ting baseball.
{Lightning Guy swings the bat and smashes Guffaw's face in.}
{Demon Chaos explodes.}
{Guffaw explodes.}
ZNEX: Now do I win? AM I EVER GONNA WIN?!?!
DEMON CHAOS: No.
{Znex walks away.}
ZNEX: Fine, you win. Have a nice day. Goodbye.
LIGHTNING GUY: {puts down the bat, breathing heavily} Don't ever give up. On yourself, never. I sometimes forget I'm talking to a screen.
ANNOUNCER: And chaos wins?
DEMON CHAOS: Cool?
IM A BELL: BOO! THAT BATTEL SUCKED!
LIGHTNING GUY: Eh, I liked it.
{Lightning Guy opens up a can of beer as sparks from Guffaw fly over it.}
