RiffText/SweetSac/8

A thousand humble apologies for the amount of time it has taken me to update this fan-fiction. I had completely forgotten all about it, and as such, this story was left untouched since 2009.

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{Short pause.}
NAMINE: I can't believe it. This actually improved on the grammar!

Demon and I had been given detention after Jedi Academy, due to the fact that we were smoking caught smoking

NAMINE: I'd have chosen "caught smoking" given context, but "smoking" on its own still makes sense.

cannabis by Obi Wan. Han Solo likewise got the same sentence for a familiar offence. Being the rebels that we were, we disregarded the warning and we decided to go to Mos Eisley instead. Marilyn Manson was holding a concert at the Cantina, and we didn't want to miss it for a thing. So we went into our starship and headed to Mos Eisley.

Luckily for us, it really was Marilyn Manson this time. He was up on the stage, dressed in a bondage outfit, with his privates being obscured by a jockstrap.

NAMINE: Doesn't a gimpsuit cover your crotch? Wouldn't a gimpsuit and jockstrap be sort of redundant?

He sang "This is the New Shit", and we jammed to it. Suddenly, he looked at me and grinned maliciously. I got a slight aching feeling in my spine that told me that all was not well in Mos Eisley Cantina. Anticipating what was going to happen, I prepared to draw out my lightsaber.

And that is where it happened. Marilyn Manson pulled out his lightsaber too and charged at me with immense force. I could tell by the way that he moved that he was no ordinary Jedi. In fact, he was a highly trained Sith Assassin, sent to kill me and my friends. I dodged his lightsaber attack, and his blade hit a nearby table, slicing it in half. Realizing the amount of danger they were in, all the patrons left the bar, until it was only Marilyn Manson and my friends left.

NAMINE: I'm visualizing the scene and it seems like it would be something decent.

"Marilyn, why are you doing this?" I screamed.

"Oh, Aldrean? You really want to know why?" He replied.

"Yes", I beckoned. "What could you possibly gain from killing me?"

Marilyn Manson looked at me and chuckled. He pointed the lightsaber at my head and said:

"I was hired by Vader to destroy you. It's really nothing personal."

NAMINE: What a beautiful Duwang
{Chew.}

Marilyn Manson was about to strike, but I managed to block him with my lightsaber. I ducked down and aimed for his legs, but he dodged them by jumping out of the way. We traded blows, trying to hit each other but failing in our attempts to do so. We were equally matched. We kept on trading our blows like two ducks fighting over a piece of bread. After a long period of continuous fighting, I had found an open spot to attack him directly. I thrusted my blade into his stomach, impaling him with it. As I did it however, I had left myself unguarded and Marilyn Manson cut my arm off completely.

We were standing parallel to each other, each with a crippling injury. Marilyn Manson was standing with my lightsaber still inside of his body, and me, standing with one of my arms missing. I thought that I had won, as a lightsaber through the stomach would kill any normal man. But Marilyn Manson wasn't any normal man.

NAMINE: The action never stops being good.

"Did you really think that would kill me?", he said.

He grinned deeply, and let loose a horrifying and blood-curdling laugh.

"Do you remember the story about me having two of my limbs replaced, so I could suck my own dick?", he asked.

"I thought that story was a fake!", I replied. "No man would do such a thing!"

"You're wrong. It's all true. But that wasn't the only surgery that I got done on my body. You see, I'm no longer a man at all. I am above a man now.."

Marilyn Manson's eyes glowed red, and steam started bellowing from his mouth. He put his hands to his face, and tore it off completely, revealing a robotic skeleton. He peeled the fleshy exterior off of his body, showing more and more of his robotic skeleton. In a couple of seconds, he had went from being a man, to being a machine. He wasn't a human anymore. He was a cyborg.

NAMINE: How does someone just randomly shift from being a human to a skeleton? Doesn't that set off a breach into Uncanny Valley?

I was weak and powerless. My means of attacking him had just been taken away, and I was also unable to defend myself against him. Demon and Han Solo were standing at my side, awestruck by the whole spectacle. While they were brave enough to stay by my side, they weren't particularly ready for a full-blown battle.

Marilyn pulled my lightsaber out of his stomach and examined it, scanning every detail of it. He scraped the blades of the two lightsabers together, and he looked straight at me with his glowing-red eyes.

NAMINE: Why exactly do the eyes have to be red? Why can't they glow gold, or some other colour?

He started walking in my direction, all while laughing like a madman.

"You fought a good fight, Aldrean. But now it's time for you to leave this world. PERMANANTLY."

Marilyn Manson lifted the two lightsabers and lunged at me with them. I was completely hopeless and unable to do anything, so I just stood there, waiting for my last moments to come. I closed my eyes and thought happy thoughts, of Satan and eternal damnation. In a few seconds, I was about to go home.

Well, that's what I thought at the time.

Just as the blades were about to hit, I heard a familiar cry.

"NOT THIS TIME, COCKSUCKER!!"

Out of nowhere, there was a huge flash of light, right in front of my eyes, Marilyn Manson got vaporised completely, leaving only a few pieces of scrap metal and the two lightsabers. I looked up to see who my hero and savior was, and I found out.

It was TONY. MOTHERFUCKING. STARK.

NAMINE: I was kind of imagining the Tony Stark cameo would happen next chapter.

He was wearing his Iron Man suit, which was black and red with pentagrams written on it in blood, and his helmet had horns attached. He stood there triumphantly, taking pride in what he had just done to Marilyn Manson. He looked at me and smiled through his helmet.

"You should have been more careful. You could've been killed!" He said.

"I'm just happy that you saved me!" I told him. "I thought I was a goner for sure!"

"You see, it was a stroke of luck that I found you here"., he told me. "I was flying through Mos Eisley when I heard a Marilyn Manson song playing. I came to check it out but instead I found him trying to kill you."

"Thank you so much, Tony Stark!" I said. "Satan bless you!"

He looked at me and the others and he winked.

"So, anyone up for a round of drinks? They're on me.", he asked.

"We would love it!"

Tony Stark went to the bartender and ordered four glasses of blood.

NAMINE: Wait, wait, is Tony Stark a vampire?

We sat at the table and we laughed at what just happened. He was one of the best friends I had ever known in my life.

NAMINE: I think my writing world just got rocked a smidgen.