RiffText/RTOD/SSXMails/We'll Have a Duel!

SSXMail 5. We'll Have a Duel!
Created On

LIGHTNING GUY: Apparently, this email was never created.

MR. CLOUD: That's a relief.

NOXIGAR: Or it's a template that never got filled. I can understand why SSX never filled it, in earnest.

Cast (in order of appearence): N/A
Locations: N/A

Transcript

{The emails begins with XOF at his computer.}

LIGHTNING GUY: There's a firsts for everything.

X ON FIRE: Email to the left, and email to the right! Checkin' my emails from day to night!

Dear X2F,
Want to have a battle?
I'll probably win. We can
go to the Glitch Zone and
fight there.
See you there,
Crüsäder

X ON FIRE Well, Cursed Vader, I'll accept, but mark my words, you have greatly underestimated me. {teleports away}

{Meanwhile, Dark X is busy monitoring X On Fire.}

MR. CLOUD: Don't you have anything better to do than stalk some wannabe badass?

DARK X: Hmm, so XOF is going off to battle? This will be the perfect chance for me to finalize my plan. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

{Cut to Crüsäder in an unknown room. He takes his weaponry case.}

LIGHTNING GUY: There's nothing more appropriate for a friendly brawl than AK-47s!

CRüSäDER: Hmph. Looks like that wimp XOF finally decided to accept my challenge. Well, he's in for one rude awakening... {cracks knuckles}

{The entire room turns completely black except for Crüsäder.

MR. CLOUD: I keep turning off my light, but I keep on staying white! What is wrong with you, logic?

Dark X's outline appears.}

DARK X: I've heard that you are going to fight X On Fire.

LIGHTNING GUY: A little birdie called Twitter told me.

CRüSäDER: What's it to ya?

DARK X: I am his sworn enemy.

LIGHTNING GUY: Sworn, of course, by you.
MR. CLOUD: Mommy says swearing is bad.

{covers Crüsäder in a white myst}

{Mr. Cloud jumps at the opportunity to make a semen joke, but Lightning Guy stops him.}

NOXIGAR: Good, Lightning Guy's showing restraint this time.

This will make you much more powerful.

CRüSäDER: Yeah? I have enough power. {takes out a Darkness Emerald} This is my power. So back off, or else.

LIGHTNING GUY: Or else I'll throw this giant rock at you.

DARK X: NOBODY ORDERS OR THREATENS

MR. CLOUD: OR POLITELY ADVISES

ME! WHEN THE TIME COMES, YOU, ALONG WITH X ON FIRE, WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY FORCES! {teleports away}

CRüSäDER: {laughing} What a dork.

LIGHTNING GUY: Now if you excuse me, I'm going to go larp with a sonic recolor.

{Meanwhile, in the Glitch Zone...}

X ON FIRE: Man, where is Crüsäder, anyway?

CRüSäDER: {grabs his "neck" from behind} Right here. {throws him at a Browntant}

MR. CLOUD: a what

X ON FIRE: {blasts the Browntant} Pathetic. {charges superfast

LIGHTNING GUY: Supersuperfast

at Crüsäder}

CRüSäDER: {holds him back with one hand} Hmph.

X ON FIRE: Enough of this. {jumps far out of sight and smashes down on Crüsäder, breaking the sound barrier}

MR. CLOUD: Okay, I think we get it by now that you're going really fast. You don't have to bring aerodynamics into it.

CRüSäDER: {sarcastically} Oh wow. That really hurt, lemme tell ya. {fires a DarkBeam^TM?!? at XOF} Chew on that one for a while.

LIGHTNING GUY: This DarkBeam^TM?!? tastes like chicken. Chicken crap. Can I stop chewing on it now?

X ON FIRE: AH! {X fizzles out} NO! MY X! You may have gotten rid of my main power source, which I am nearly powerless without, but I'll still win somehow!

CRüSäDER: Just forget it. You obviously can't win.

X ON FIRE: Is that so?

MR. CLOUD: So it is.

CRüSäDER: What're you going to do? Catch my shirt on fire? Face it. Without your X, you'll never win.

{Crüsäder teleports away.}

X ON FIRE: Ogh...

LIGHTNING GUY: That sounds so nasty. I feel like I need to take a bath just to wash out the nastiness.

NOXIGAR: And not because you ate chicken detritus?

I need to recharge. {teleports home}

{Cut to Dark X's lair.}

DARK X: That little brat seems to have quite a bit of fighting ability. {sighs} I don't think he has the heart to kill X On Fire...{dramatic closeup} I guess I'll have to give him some...motivation! {dramatic music}

MR. CLOUD: Dramatic lack of drama.

NOXIGAR: Humourous lack of humour.

{Cut to the room from the first email's easter egg. X On Fire is deactivated, and plugged into generators. His X begins sparkling.}

{The paper comes down.}

Fun Facts

References

• The email's title is from Parsnips 'A Plenty.