RiffText/RTOD/Bling Emails/Restaurant

There are a lot of horrible restaurants.

LIGHTNING GUY: I had no idea.

Summary

Cast (in order of their appearance): Bling, 1-up, Grundy, Stinkoman, Generic Man, Generic Woman, Waiter

Places: Im a bell's computer room, Stinkoman's house, A restaurant, Another restaurant, Yet another restaurant, one more restaurant

Transcript

BLING: In order to make a great email show,

LIGHTNING GUY: And do other impossibles of the form,

1-UP: And avoid breaking 1.6,

GRUNDY: We have decided,

ALL: To check email together!

LIGHTNING GUY: That was too anticlimactic.

NAMINE: I don't see how.

Restaurant

Dear Bling,
Have you ever been to a restaurant and you had a bad waiter or waitress?
Sam The Man

1-UP: Hmm... I can't think of anything... OH WAIT! There was this one time...

LIGHTNING GUY: Hey, Lois, you remember that time when

NAMINE: Remember when you didn't get along with Ben?

NOXIGAR: Yeah. Then I started owning up to the fact I'm an unfunny pissant.
NAMINE: Is that actually how you befriended Ben?
NOXIGAR: Actually, yes.
NAMINE: I thought there was more to it than that.
NOXIGAR: There wasn't. I just told him upfront that I don't really have an air of "being above others" like he assumed because I have suicidal depression and other things which make my self-esteem nonexistent.
NAMINE: I see?
{Namine looks confused}

NAMINE: I still think there's more to it than that which you might be misremembering.

{cut to Stinkoman's house}

1-UP: Yeah, I'd like some chocolate pudding, please.

LIGHTNING GUY: They'll never stop.

STINKOMAN: This isn't a restaurant.

1-UP: Make that vanilla.

LIGHTNING GUY: They'll never freaking stop.

NAMINE: One-note characters never stop pushing their one note.

STINKOMAN: We don't even HAVE any vanilla pudding!

1-UP: How much?

STINKOMAN: Grrr... DOUBLE DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LIGHTNING GUY: How so very original.

{Cut to outside the house. An explosion comes out of a window. Cut back to the computer room}

1-UP: That guy was annoying. I didn't even get my pudding!

GRUNDY: Does that even count?

LIGHTNING GUY: Nothing in this show ever does.

BLING: I doubt it. One, that's in the future.

LIGHTNING GUY: Oh, and Bling's a psychic now.

Two, that wasn't even a restaurant. Grundy, what about you?

GRUNDY: Well...

{cut to a restaurant}

MAN: {looks at Grundy} I don't want to eat at a place that sells chicken THAT uncooked!

LIGHTNING GUY: "But maybe if I skin it alive here and there, I won't even notice!"

{cut back to the computer room}

GRUNDY: And there was this other time...

{cut to another restaurant}

WOMAN: {looks at Grundy} I didn't know any restaurant sold chicken that raw!

LIGHTNING GUY: See, it's funny because it's the exact same joke.

NOXIGAR: The joke is "Proto-Yelp: Reviews Of Restaurants Before A Shit App Was Made."

{cut back to the computer room}

BLING: Uhh... Aren't those almost the same?

LIGHTNING GUY: Maybe if he says "almost", he can get away with it.

And didn't they have NOTHING to do with waiters or waitresses?

GRUNDY: Yeah, you're right. Well, what about you?

BLING: Hmm...

{cut to a restaurant}

BLING: I'll have some more of the red wine, please.

WAITER: Aren't you too young to drink wine?

LIGHTNING GUY: You of course ask him that now.

NOXIGAR: I think the problem is that the waiter isn't asking for Bling's ID.

BLING: Shaddup! {passes out}

{cut back to the computer room}

BLING: And...

LIGHTNING GUY: Another "and".

NOXIGAR: Or,
NAMINE: Alex Orr.

{cut to another restaurant}

BLING: Here's the money.

WAITER: Sir, we don't even ACCEPT yen!

LIGHTNING GUY: And Japanese money is so available here.

NOXIGAR: International currency kiosks are a foreign concept to you, aren't they?

BLING: Shaddup! {passes out}

{cut back to the computer room}

GRUNDY: You're weird.

BLING: You too, kid. You too. {passes out}

{the paper comes down}

LIGHTNING GUY: The question wasn't even addressed.

NOXIGAR: You never had a problem when Strong Bad didn't address questions directly.

These terrible cutaway "jokes" had barely anything to do with the subject.

NOXIGAR: I can't remember if Ted was the only person who still liked Bonus Stage after it ended, or if a majority of the WUW did and I just never noticed due to my distaste for it.

This is what I call a "failure". This entire email show is a failure,

NOXIGAR: As are all email shows in general, barring maybe Aruseus Emails on a good day.

and it will never amount to anything more than a terrible embarrassment for the site it was once on!

NOXIGAR: Honestly, the entire site was an embarassment in of itself.

And I shall add that it has never been more my displeasure to rant and rave on a supposedly comedic feature on some obscure wiki derived from that now-dead aforementioned site! So good job, Bell, for making my entire life a failure!

NOXIGAR: This coming from a guy who's an admin of a Spongebob site and a Tea Party Republican at-best.

A completely irreversible failure!

NOXIGAR: The Dumbledark Knight would have me believe otherwise.

It's a shame! A crying shame! An-oh, my shift's up. See you guys tomorrow.