RiffText/Mystery Fanstuff Theater 3000/You Don'T Know What It Is Like

Opening Comments

CHWOKA: So Skub, this first one is a poem about obesity.

SKUB: I can see the punchline coming and I don't like it one bit.

SKUB: Not as much as I like baked beans, at least!

BLUEBRY: so what the fuck we lookin at

CHWOKA: I just I just said what we were looking at

BLUEBRY: oh okay sorry you priss

{Cue an hour of awkward silence. Everybody shuffles in their chairs.}

SKUB: Man, it's been so long since I've done this.

CHWOKA: Well it's... isn't it like riding a bicycle?

SKUB: I never learned how to ride a bicycle.

CHWOKA: WELL FOR FFFFF

BLUEBRY: thats messed up skub

NACHOMAN: Hey, ease up on the guy, You Don'T Know What It Is Like

{Skub cries rivers of dolce de leche.}

CHWOKA: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

NACHOMAN: I think we're gonna have to cart Chwoka in. He locked up on us.

SKUB: No worries! This happened to me once. I was a robot car at the time, but I think I can handle this!

CHWOKA: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

NACHOMAN: Well, what do you do?

SKUB: Wait until he stops.

NACHOMAN: oh okay lol

CHWOKA: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUCK'S SAKE, SKUB. What, did your fat ass break the seat?! Huh? Were you too busy on that fucking exercise bike for those abs you keep telling me you have layered underneath all that fat to actually learn how to ride a bicycle? Do you even know what a bicycle is or is your head so full of empty that you can't comprehend the basic principle of it all?!

SKUB: look all i said was ALL I SAID WAS

CHWOKA: Did you spend your younger days in a hazy whirlwind of ice cream and loveseats which are now permanently marred with your ass-stank? Is the only thing keeping you from eating the whole damn studio and all your friends the idea that we wouldn't taste very good? What the fuck's the matter with you?

SKUB: My father didn't love me.

{Long pause}

SKUB: Did I just say "my father didn't love me?" Oh,

{Skub just laughs and laughs and laughs and then wheezes cause he's fat}

SKUB: Freudian slip!

NACHOMAN: Skub you're... you're scaring me.

{Nachoman inches away before breaking out into a full-on sprint.}

CHWOKA: Well then, I guess he'll catch up later. Ladies and gentlemen, You Don'T Know What It Is Like.

{Fade out}

You Don'T Know What It Is Like

The following was nabbed off of allpoetry.com. It is anonymous and therefore we could not ask the creator for permission. If the author tells us to take it down, we will.

MY MOST SIGNIFICANT RELATIONSHIP

CHWOKA: {yelps in shock!} No need to yell! You nearly gave me a heart attack!
BLUEBRY: he's more likely to give himself a heart attack

IS DEFINITELY WITH FOOD

BLUEBRY: i dunno if this is hilarious or depressing as hell

CHOCOLATE, CUPCAKE, COKE, CHIP
HELPS ME WITH MY EVERCHANGING MOOD

I EAT WHEN I AM HUNGRY
I EAT WHEN I AM SAD
I EAT WHEN I AM ANGRY
I EAT WHEN I AM GLAD

SKUB: I EAT WHEN I AM SLEEPING
AND WHEN I AM AWAKE
AND IF I'M IN A COMA
PLEASE SAVE SOME CHOCOLATE CAKE

FOOD IS MY BEST FRIEND

BLUEBRY: sounds like a wild crew

THE THING THAT KEEPS ME TOGETHER
KEEPS ME GOING AT WIT’S END

CHWOKA: You're supposed to NOT be at wit's end.

KEEPS ME GOING WHEN I AM THE END OF MY TETHER

IT SEDATES ME AND NUMBS THE PAIN

BLUEBRY: are you sure you're not confusing food with pcp

AND YOU SAY I MUST GIVE IT UP?
FOR WHAT GAIN?

SKUB: There's enough gain as is.
BLUEBRY: live another 30 years

FOR MY HEALTH AND MY SANITY
FOR MY FAMILY AND LONGETIVITY
FOR COMFORT AND VITALITY
MAKE MYSELF STRONG FOR ANY EVENTUALTIY

SKUB: Well look at these long-ass words, seems we've got a Shakespeare in this hizz-ouse!
CHWOKA: Around this hizz-ouse.

SO I BUY THE FOOD
AFTER I MADE THE PLAN
I GET THE SUPPORT

CHWOKA: Rhyme and rhythm.

I DO WHAT I CAN

SKUB: A SINGLE WALL PUSH-UP
ARMS ARE NEARLY DEAD
WISH I HAD SOME PUDDING PIE
WASH IT DOWN W/ BANANA BREAD

UNTIL...

SKUB: PLAQUE IN MY ARTERIES
CARDIAC ARREST
I HOPE I GO TO THE HOSPITAL
THEIR ICE CREAM IS THE BEST

ONE HARSH WORD
ONE TOO TIRING DAY

BLUEBRY: i'm so tired, i should eat a full pecan pie, that'll wake me up

ONE DEMAND TOO MANY
ONE DAMN ADVERT

CHWOKA: {posh.0} "Oh, those damned adverts on the telly set!"

AND GOOD INTENTIONS FLEE
PROMISES TO SELF ARE BROKEN
I YEARN TO BE FREE

CHWOKA: COME MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS! WE MUST THROW OFF THE SHACKLES OF KNEADED DOUGH WITH CHEESE INSIDE! WE MUST REVOLT AGAINST THE CHOCOLATE-COVERED SUNDAES! WE MUST DISRUPT THE TYRANNY OF FOOD!

LONGINGS LONG AWOKEN

CHWOKA: Longingly.

THIS IS BIGGER THAN ME
BELIEVE IT OR NOT

SKUB: Yeah, I'm a bit skeptical

I CAN NOT BE FREE
SO SETTLE IN THE ROT

SKUB: DWAYNE "THE ROT" JOHNSON in YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE
CHWOKA: Settle around the rot.

Closing Comments

{Fade in.}

SKUB: fuck ugh

BLUEBRY: i completely understand and feel for the author, but this poem was definitely too literal to actually be poetic in my opinion

CHWOKA: And also it wasn't poetic enough to be poetic.

BLUEBRY: that too

{NachoMan reenters and blood is dripping all about}

SKUB: Oh look it is Nachoman the funny guy !!!

NACHOMAN: hey guys!!!

CHWOKA: Well, no time for pleasantries, tonight we have a DOUBLE FEATUR!

SKUB: A double featur?

CHWOKA: look i couldn't fit any more letters in OKAY. We're going right on to Spirit. Any more insightful comments to say before we move on?

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