RiffText/Mystery Fanstuff Theater 3000/Spirit

Opening Comments

SKUB: I'm hungry!

CHWOKA: What else is new you fat piece of shitbutt!

{laugh track}

CHWOKA: No, but for serious, this next one is a piece of fiction from somewhere else on the infranet! It's about, um... I don't know.

NACHOMAN: Did you... not read it?

CHWOKA: Nope.

BLUEBRY: but you choose all the stories, right

CHWOKA: That I do.

BLUEBRY: so what's this shit you have piled on our plate you little asshole

CHWOKA: Look, I was under constraints-

NACHOMAN: From who? Are we being bossed around again?

SKUB: Because the first season blew okay and I don't want to go through some dumb story.

CHWOKA: Actually, we are being bossed around!

{Sting!}

WHITE COP: THIS IS A STING OPERATION GET DOWN

{White Cop is responsible and gets out the handcuffs before the gun or tazer. He is a perfect little angel and nobody can ever touch him.}

BLACK COP: GET THE FUCK DOWN ALREADY

WHITE COP: Woah woah woah what? We're allowed to say... the f word?

BLACK COP: Man, you need to loosen up on the regulations or else you'll never learn to be an effective police officer!

WHITE COP: And you need to learn to respect authority and rules!

BLACK COP: Perhaps we can help each other accomplish these goals through humorous foibles that join together to form a parable in which we both learn our respective lessons and also that color is only skin deep.

WHITE COP: One can only hope! But for now, I am embittered by years of losing partners to criminals and not ready to trust or form connections with the new partners, especially fresh-faced ones out of police academy.

{then bluebry shot them both}

BLUEBRY: fuck tha police

{Pause.}

SKUB: Chwoka... god dammit. God dammit, Chwoka, this isn't what I'm getting at, you bitch. You little bitch.

{A panel on the wall flips over, secret-bookcase-style, to reveal a large terminal. On the screen, there is a shadowy, sinister figure!}

NACHOMAN: Who are you and what have you done with us, you creep-ass?

???: Me? Well, allow me to introduce myself.

CHWOKA: I'm a man of wealth and t-

{Bluebry kick he in he nutbag.}

CHWOKA: oofgh OOOFGH

???: My name... is-

{Sting!}

BROOKSIE: Brooks Oglesby!

SKUB: You fucking madman!

BROOKSIE: That's right! I've got you under my thumb! All of you!

CHWOKA: But why? Why, Brooksie?

BROOKSIE: It's an experiment, of course! An experiment in the pain threshold!

NACHOMAN: Explain, buttfuck!

BROOKSIE: It goes like this: the more you're exposed to shit, the more tolerant you are of it. Eventually, you don't even notice the smell, right?

CHWOKA: This is a really terrible metaphor.

BROOKSIE: Now... does the same apply to bad fan fiction? Do you start to forget that the writing is terrible, the characters are two-dimensional, and the subject matter is frankly embarrassing?

BLUEBRY: this is retarded!!!!

BROOKSIE: Retarded? I say it's geniustarded!

SKUB: ... Your mastery of words... it intrigues me.

CHWOKA: But riddle me this, Brookass! What about Dr. Brainfreeze?

BROOKSIE: He was a pawn! Just one piece of my pawn collection!

CHWOKA: Oh, man, this sucks!

BROOKSIE: You think this sucks? Take a look at what you'll be riffing... Spirit!

{Sting!}

SKUB: hrgh

CHWOKA: Wait, I choose what we riff. Your plan is full of holes. I'm pretty sure Dr. Brainfreeze never existed.

BROOKSIE: god just SHUT UP

BLUEBRY: what is up with these fucking complex villain-oriented plots. it's like wikihood up in this bitch.

BROOKSIE: i swear to god i will TAZE A HO AND NOT EVEN CARE.

BLACK COP: That's my job!

BLUEBRY: STAY DOWN GOD DAMN IT

{Bluebry unloads an entire pistol clip into Black Cop.}

WHITE COP: Hey, that's good! I could learn a thing or two from him.

Spirit (Table of Contents)

The following was nabbed off of fictionpress.com. If the author tells us to take it down, we will. We have nothing personal against the author nor their work.

1. Chapter 1- The Beginning (Meetings)

2. Spirit Chapter 1: Story Time

CHWOKA: But you just you just
SKUB: No, this is the first chapter of Spirit

3. Spirit Chapter Two: The First Battle
4. Chapter three: Free Fall (Freefall)

SKUB: And following my previous example, this is obviously a different story.
BLUEBRY: i like how freefall is in there twice

5. Spirit Chapter Four: Yes, Master
6. Spirit Chapter Five: Don't Lock the Door

CHWOKA: {singing} Lock the door! Don't lock the door baby. Lock the door! He'll knock the door over! Lock the dooooooooooooooooor!
BLUEBRY: shut
BLUEBRY:
BLUEBRY:
BLUEBRY:
BLUEBRY: the fuck up
CHWOKA: That so would have slipped past in Bell Quest.

7. Spirit Chapter Six: Naughty, Naughty
8. Spirit Chapter seven: Visiting Hours
9. Spirit Chapter Eight: Meetings
10. Spirit Chapter Nine: Seeds of Doubt
11. Spirit Chapter Ten: Sean's Safari Jungle

CHWOKA: Let's go surfing now. Everybody's learnin' how.
SKUB: Chwoka I'm feeling glum... or maybe not.
CHWOKA: You realize nobody is going to know what you're talking about but me, right?

12. Spirit Chapter Eleven: Staff of Demons
13. Spirit Chapter 14: A New Friend

CHWOKA: Overcompensation is a wonderful thing.

14. Spirit Chapter 15: One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
15. Spirit Chapter 16: Power of Love

SKUB: WAIT A MINUTE, DOC,

16. Spirit
Chapter 15: Chapter 17 (The Key To Balance)

CHWOKA: Now she's just fucking with us.