RiffText/Mystery Fanstuff Theater 3000/Bell Quest/Segment2

{Fade in to the theater}

CHWOKA: ARGLE BARGLE that was horrible!

SKULLB: I am dead on the inside

CHWOKA: What do you think the worst part is?

SKULLB: That's like trying to pick the best-looking clump of crap in a horse pen.

{The yellow light lights. The curtains open. Dr. Brainfreeze is standing there.}

DR. BRAINFREEZE: Hello, rats.

CHWOKA: Hello, Newman.

DR. BRAINFREEZE: How did you know my first name?

SKULLB: I dunno. Newman's a bit of a douchey name.

DR. BRAINFREEZE: You can't say that on television!

SKULLB: Wh-

{SkullB is doused with green slime.}

SKULLB: If this stuff is radioactive so help me God.

DR. BRAINFREEZE: You're a robot, it doesn't make much difference. Besides, this gives you a perfect opportunity to test out my Derraddiating Shower and that foamy soap.

SKULLB: yey foamy soap BUT I DIGRESS! Why are you holding us here, creepy frosty man?

DR. BRAINFREEZE: If I find the worst piece of writing, I can kill anyone who thinks it is bad, thus dooming the human race! You are one group of many.

CHWOKA: So, why are you talking to us?

{Dr. Brainfreeze slams a large cardboard box on the table.}

DR. BRAINFREEZE: You will make puppets. I need to see what kind of effect this has on your minds. Wait, where is Bluebry?

CHWOKA: Taking the Polar Plunge.

{SkullB uses his +5 Potion of Scissordry to create a small puppet.}

SKULLB: I made a cat!'

DR. BRAINFREEZE: Bling is seeping into your brain...

CHWOKA: Is that Froompsy the somewhat dead cat?

SKULLB: No, it's Oompsy the almost dead cat. Good guess, though!

CHWOKA: Still stressed over the Froompsy fiasco, eh?

SKULLB: ... {sobbing} YE-E-E-ES

{SkullB wipes the tears from his optic sockets.}

SKULLB: I need a big glass of Ve-zhe-rot to help me forget.

{Chwoka makes a puppet from a paper bag. The puppet is a wine bottle labeled "Vegerot". He hands it to SkullB.}

SKULLB: Oh, thank you... HEY! This isn't Vegerot! This is cheap knock-off Vegerot! I want mine straight from the vineyard, damnit!

{Chwoka draws a grape bunch on a different bag, then tears it up and stuffs it inside the Vegerot bag.}

DR. BRAINFREEZE: This is getting ridiculous.

SKULLB: ... So should we get back to the theater now?

DR. BRAINFREEZE: We still need to see what Bluebry does.

{fade to commercials}

{fade in. Chwoka is standing, hands behind is back. The cardboard box has been made into a makeshift table.}

CHWOKA: Many of the characters in this program are utterly useless - or so it would seem! Bluebry, Skully, and I have composed a puppet show about what those seemingly non-existent characters are doing in the meantime. With...

{Chwoka raises his hands, to reveal Homestar and Ebeneezer puppets}

CHWOKA: ...puppets!

{Chwoka crouches down under the box, and all the puppets raise}

SKULLB: {as Homeschool} I'm so torn. I can't decide which SPOOK CLIFF I'm going to jump off of!

CHWOKA: {as Homestar} This is boring. I don't know why I {pause for thought} came with them.

BLUEBRY: {as Ebeneezer} Who the hell am I?

SKULLB: {as Homeschool} I am... I am unsure. Perhaps you are a vengeful spirit???

CHWOKA: {as Homsar} DaAaAaAaAaA! You're a lanky prayin' mant-issssss maaaaAAAAAn...

SKULLB: {as Neo-Stinko-Whatever} I think they forgot about us, guys!!!

CHWOKA: {as Homestar} Nobody shall forget about us! Let's make everyone do what WE want them to do!

SKULLB: {as Homeschool} Yeah! I think that we should harm them! {breaking character} No, seriously, I'd like to ram a stick covered in fire ants right down this Bell guy's throat.

CHWOKA: {as Homestar} Don't forget Badstar! We should prolong their current suffering, just to teach them a lesson! {as Homsar} DaAaAaAa! I'm two zeroes and a sevennnnnnn...

SKULLB: {as Neo-Stinkomech} I have legs! I should kick them! In their {pause for thought} butt!

CHWOKA: {as Homsar} DaAaAaA! I'll take the high road... {as Homestar} I agree with Homsar - we should simply manipulate them into doing our dirty work for us!

SKULLB: {as Homeschool} Yes, indeed! I'm apparently the smart one, so I'll make a hovercraft?

CHWOKA: {as Homestar} No, make a mind-control ray!!!!!!!

SKULLB: {as Homeschool} OKAY

{SkullB takes out a small contraption. It sparks and catches the Homeschool puppet on fire.}

SKULLB: Woah, woah, woah, fire, fire, fire.

CHWOKA: Speaking of things that end in -ire, how are you holding that puppet when your hands are tires?

SKULLB: Bubble gum. That's how. I kinda stick it to the tires.

CHWOKA: well, lucky thing then - bubble gum deletes fire!

{The fire ceases to exist}

BLUEBRY: Hey guys, I'm going to say a line every now and then to make sure we don't have characters that say nothing. What fic am I in?

CHWOKA: MFT3k Host Segment 2 Episode 1!

BLUEBRY: No no, Bell Quest! {goes back to obscurity until a few chapters ahead}

COMMERCIAL SIGN: {flashing} Commercials commencing

CHWOKA: {turned to the camera} We'll be right back.

{fade out}