(even if you aren't vegan)
RiffText/Mystery Fanstuff Theater 3000/Bell Quest/9
{cut to outside of a theater. eberybody but the villains and Vegerot are there. Vegerot runs out}
SKULLB: What gets me is that over eighty billion people came to see this god-awful movie.
VEGEROT: Hey guys!!!! The movie's back on!!!
ALL BUT VEGEROT: YAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!
BLUEBRY: !
{Everybody runs in. The movie cointinues.}
NARRATOR: Last time on Bell Quest...
ALL: A RECAP?!!!
CHWOKA: It's an orchestra of whiny voices!
NARRATOR: And now, to the movie!
ALL: YAY!!!
BLUEBRY: Oh I get it. The plot is so incomprehensible that the lack of a recap merely emphasizes how lost you are.
{The movie continues.}
BLUEBRY: Correction, cointinues.
PTER: Ebeneezer, do I dare ask... how could you possibily be alive?
BLUEBRY: Posse Billy.
EBENEEZER: Alive? Who said anything about me being alive? {arm falls off} I died of a horrible sickness 120 years ago when me and my family migrated to FCUSA form German...Irelan...Germanirelandystralia!
BLUEBRY: Flippin' finally, some backstory.
NEOSTINKOMECH: I'm also a zombie and that creeps me out!
DEMON BELL: WHY DO YOU KEEP FORGETTING ABOUT US!!!!!?????
BLUEBRY: Attention whore.
SHINEZ: Uhh... because you suck?
DEMON BELL: {Takes out invert ray and zaps Pter.} HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
{When the blast hit's
CHWOKA: hit is
Pter, it clones him. The Pter clone has inverted colors and is evil.}
IM A BELL: Oh. Gad.BLUEBRY: Are you there Gad? It's me, Margaret.
DEMON BELL: {Zap's Bellson,
BLUEBRY: Whoa, Zap is Bellson? PLOT DEVELOPMENT
same happens}
CHWOKA: When Ctrl-C, Ctrl-V just isn't satisfactory enough.
IM A BELL:{blinks} This is starting to suck. Very much.
BLUEBRY: Just starting?
DEMON BELL: Wait till you see this!
CHWOKA: {singing} You ain't seen nothin' yet!
{The Pter clone looks at Pter. His eyes glow. Pter slowly begins to fade out of exsistence.}
CHWOKA: Are you there, Gad? It's me, Marty McFly.
IM A BELL: PTER!!! I'll save you!!!
{Im a bell jumps in front of Pter. Im a bell mutates into a giant grren
SKULLB:' grrrrrrrrren
version of himself, then dissapears}
VEGEROT: Uhh...
DEMON BELL: {Zap's everbody
BLUEBRY: NO WAIT, NOW ZAP IS EVERBODY!
else with the invert ray. Vegerot's clone is benevolent and female}
CHWOKA: Personalities totally are verbs and belong in action brackets.
SKULLB: Of course, what crappy fiction isn't complete without gender bending?
H44WP: What. The. Crap. That wasn't supposed to happen! It gets a rulebreaker!!!
BADSTAR: Why?
H44WP: 'Cuz I said so!!!!!
BADSTAR: What does benevolent mean?
BLUEBRY: Screw the story, time for a vocabulary lesson.
{Chwoka hums a tune}
IM A BELL: A benevolent person is nice, caring, and not at all evil.
SKULLB: And he's quoting dictionary.com on this one.
THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF VEGEROT!
CHWOKA: Ow, my ears.
BADSTAR: {To villains.} I don't get it. What are you guys trying to do?
H44WP: You know what? I'm not sure. Ask DB.
SKULLB: Because at this point in the story we're totally on a nickname basis with every stupid character ever.
DEMON BELL: I'm just creating an army of evil anti-slaves
CHWOKA: In Soviet Russia, cotton pick slaves!
to rule the world. Wait, do you mean why we captured Bling?
BADSTAR: No.
DEMON BELL: Okay, then I just told you.
{The movie stops again.}
IM A BELL: O_o... Aw, holy crap! This movie is taking too frickin' long! Look, I'm getting the crap outta here.
BLUEBRY: I would follow suit, but...
Oh, and one more thing, you suck, 1-up.
1-UP: Why?
IM A BELL: Why do you think?!!
CHWOKA: Bell is on his period.
SKULLB: His man-o-pause.
{Im a bell leaves the theater}
BADSTAR: Hey, the movies back on!
{The movie continues.}
STINKOMAN: Soo... Im a bell's gone...
BADSTAR: I am bell and Bellson, hold off the invert army! 1-UP and Kyubii, try to get that invert ray! Me and Anti-Bling are going to try and see if we can save Pter and Im a bell! Homestar, make me a sandwiche!
BLUEBRY: Sand-weesh.
Everybody else, run away screaming! BREAK!
{Everybody splits up.}
CHWOKA: Sounds painful.
1-UP: So, Kyubii, I wasn't paying attention. What are we supposed to do?
KYUBII: We have to get that invert ray!
1-UP: WE HAVE TO GET THE SERUM THROUGH?!!!!
CHWOKA: That doesn't even make any sense!
KYUBII: Let's just go...
{Cut to Homestar.}
HOMESTAR: Okay... Lesse, I need... some bronco trolleys, some tenderbread, and a ketchup-covered marshmallow!
SKULLB: I'm pretty sure Bell's been downing these all through the story.
{Homestar gets these things out of a fridge and makes them into a sandwich}
CHWOKA: Mmm, a these things sandweech, with extra these!
HOMESTAR: I think this is a pretty awesome sandwich!
{Cut to Bellson and I am bell.}
I AM BELL: Bellson, do you ever feel like blowing stuff up?
CHWOKA: {imitating I Am Bell} I'm a psycopath, you know.
SKULLB: {imitating Bell} They do that in anime a lot, and I love anime!
BELLSON: Cousin doesn't let me use explosives, so I just use my incredible strength.
CHWOKA: His strength has no ability to be credible.
I AM BELL: You can't possibily be as strong as you say you are.
BELLSON: Oh, yeah? See those antis over there?
SKULLB: I'm pretty sure he means "ants". In which case, his powers would probably be pretty effective.
I AM BELL: Yeah.
{Bellson spits acid into one of the antis' eye. He then fires a nuclear missle at the other one}
CHWOKA: Jesus Christ, a nuke from nowhere!? These people really have no idea how anything works, do they?
SKULLB: Ahahaha this is terrible
{Bellson turns back to normal. His eyes widen.}
BELLSON: Oh my godI'velostmypowers! I gotta go find Acidchick-I mean-Acidgrrl.
{Bellson runs away}
I AM BELL: WAIT! Don't just leave me here! Maybe I should tell him the truth that Acidgrrl got scared and left. Nah, it will funnier this way.
BLUEBRY: If you can make something in this film funny, I owe you a Coke.
{cut to Bellson looking for Acidgrrl}
BELLSON: Acidgrrl! Acidgrrl! Where are you?
CHWOKA: {singing} Scooby-dooby-Doo, where are you?
Hey, a door.
{Bellson opens the door}
BLUEBRY: That scene was so terrible, it would take me forever to point out everything wrong with it. So I won't.
{Cut to Anti-Bling and Badstar.}
ANTI-BLING: Badstar, how do you think we can find Pter & Im a bell?
BADSTAR: {Thinking} Ummm... {A light bulb appears above his head.} I have a plan! Remember how I sent 1-UP and Kyubii to go get the invert ray?
ANTI-BLING: Yeah, why?
BADSTAR: Well, I was gonna have them destroy it, but instead... {Whispers in Anti-Blings ear.}
CHWOKA: He has ears?
{Cut to 1-UP and Kyubii Hiding behind A golden tower with stairs. On top of the tower is Demon Bell and H44WP's throne.}
DEMON BELL: H44, Have you ever felt that a pudding lover and a nine tailed fox were about to sneak up on you?
H44WP: No, why?
KYUBII & 1-UP: Because one's about to right now!!!!!!!!!!
CHWOKA: They are so excited they are about to explode. With excitement.
{1-UP Turns solid gold
BLUEBRY: This throne is obviously that of King Midas.
SKULLB: This is the one thing in this movie that's solid gold.
and rams the throne. The villains fall on to the ground and the invert ray goes flying through the air.}
KYUBII: AAH!!! THE RAY! CATCH IT!!!
1-UP: YOU GET IT!
{Cut to Bellson in a dark room.}
BELLSON: W-why did this door close? Where am I?
{two red, glowing eyes appear}
BELLSON: AAH! Wh-who are you?
{A 300 feet tall rat comes out of the darkness. 5000 more 300 foot long rats come out of the darkness.}
BELLSON: ...Holy Jesus. Oh, well...
{Bellson kills all of the rats}
BLUEBRY: You make it seem so interesting.
{They come back to life.}
BELLSON: Guess I have to destroy them.
CHWOKA: Like you just did?
Acid spit! Crap. I forgot. I lost my powers. I gotta go find Acidgrrl!!!!
SKULLB: How did he get those acid powers in the first place? Did he make out with her? ... You know, I really wouldn't put it past Bell to put incest in his fiction.
ONE OF THE RATS: Ummm... don't you know? Acidgrrl got scared and went back to 20X6.
BELLSON: What?!!! Noes!!! Wait, how can you talk? And why aren't you killing me?
{All the rat's attack. Cut to I am bell. he is surrounded by inverts.}
CHWOKA: First they were antis, now they're inverts, what's next!?
I AM BELL: Eep! BELLSON! Come back darn you! Waaah!!! I want my mommy!
CHWOKA: I need someone maternal!
I want my brother!
SKULLB: Which proves my point.
Okay, calm down... {takes a deep breath} Imma chargin' mah lazer!
{the inverts become confused}
I AM BELL: Imma firin' mah lazer!
{the inverts become scared}
I AM BELL: SHOOP-DA-WHOOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BLUEBRY: Guys I am going to say this very clear:4chan memes are NEVER funny.
{I am bell fires a lazer out of his mouth and into the inverts. half of them are destroyed. Cut to 1-UP and Kyubii.}
KYUBII: WHERE'S THE RAY?
1-UP: I THOUGHT YOU HAD IT!
KYUBII: HEY! There it is! It's stuck on the wall! 1-up, go get it!
CHWOKA: Just take his word for it.
1-UP: It's too high up!
KYUBII: Pretend it's pudding!
1-UP: ...OhmygodIhavetogetit!!!!!!!!!
{Quiet weeping is heard}
{1-up runs to the wall and jumps up to the ray and catches it.
CHWOKA: and and and and and
he jumps off of the wall and next to Kyubii}
KYUBII: Hooooooooly Jesus!
{1-UP gets kicked in the head by H44WP. 1-UP falls to the ground unconscious. Demon Bell grabs Kyubii by his tails and throw him into the wall. Kyubii becomes unconscious.}
DEMON BELL: Nice job!
H44WP: You too!
DEMON BELL: Except...
{Demon Bell peels away to reveal it's 1-up in a costume}
1-UP: I'm not Demon Bell!
BLUEBRY: And this isn't a Coke, it's a Pepsi Twist.
SKULLB: We replaced Bell's stupid character with someone at least as, if not less stupid. Let's see if he notices.
H44WP: Wha?
{the unconscious 1-up is revealed to be Demon Bell. Kyubii wakes up}
CHWOKA: Making a Scooby-Doo joke is just too easy.
KYUBII: Haha!
H44WP: Well, I have a suprise for you guys, too! That's not the real invert ray!
1-UP: Huh? Oh, we know.
{ 1-up pulls the REAL invert ray out}
KYUBII: THIS IS!
{Kyubii tries to zap H44WP, but the invert ray won't work.}
H44WP: Must be out of juice.
CHWOKA: Man juice.
SKULLB: LOOKIT ALL THAT JUICE
{H44WP moves in to kill 1-UP and Kyubii, but all of a sudden, Pterrax and Kyarri come out of a time portal.}
H44WP: ...HOLY JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PTERRAX: I'll kill y'all! Punchapunchapunchapunchapunchapunchapunchapunchaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!
BLUEBRY: It would help to add some action in, because all I saw was a deranged man standing motionless yelling "Punchapunchapunchapunchapunchapunchapunchapunchaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!"
KYARII: {Talking very fast.}
BLUEBRY: Tweaked.
Hello!I'mKyarri!I'mgonnahurtya'bad! {Run's around in a circle around H44WP.} Wannapieceofme!? Huh? Doya'doya'doya? Huhhuhhuhhuhuhuhuhuhuh?
SKULLB: Welp. I'm going to go kill myself.
H44WP: ...You're annoying...
BLUEBRY: Yes, in this fic everyone is.
KYARII: Huhhuhhuhhuhhuhhuhhuhhu-WHAT DID YOU SAY?!!!!
H44WP: I said you are annoying!
{Cut to Homestar.}
HOMESTAR: Badstraw! Bodstore! Badstros, where are you?
{cut to Badstar. An invert sneaks up behind him, grabs him, and runs away. Nobody notices this. Cut to Bellson. He is very tired.}
CHWOKA: Alright, that's enough of the B plot, let's check in on the C plot!
BELLSON: Must... defeat... rats! {Passes out from exhaustion.}
ONE OF THE RATS: ...Wow. You guys have anyidea why he was looking for Acidgrrl?
RAT: No clue.
{Cut to Kyarri and Pterrax}
H44WP: ...This is getting annoying...
PTERRAX:{simultaneously} Punchapunchapunchapunchapunchapunchapunchapunchapuncha...
KYARRI:{simultaneously} Huhhuhhuhhuhhuhhuhhuhhuhhuhhuhhuhhuhhuhhuhhuhhuhhuhhuhhuh...
SKULLB: It turns out robots can't hang themselves. What a pity.
DEMON BELL:{just woke up} ...Yeah...
{Demon Bell takes out a lazer
CHWOKA: 4Chan memes have corrupted our children's spelling skills.
gun and zaps Pteraxx and Kyarii.They both fall unconscious.}''
H44WP: ...Thanks. What do we do with all these bodies...?
CHWOKA: Many people have asked that same question!
KYUBII:1-UP, how do we fix the invert ray?
1-UP: ...Give it pudding?
H44WP: Crap. They're awake.
{5 minutes later...}
KYUBII: Odd... You're plan actually worked...
CHWOKA: My are plans are always brilliant!
1-UP: Now we have to go find Badstar. Where is he anyway?
{Cut to Badstar.}
BADSTAR: Where are you taking me?
RATSDAB (INVERTED BADSTAR): Don't worry. You're safe.
CHWOKA: He needs no introduction!
BADSTAR: So, you aren't evil?
RATSDAB: Nah. Just mad.
BADSTAR: At what?
RATSDAB: A lot of things.
BLUEBRY: Another angsty teen.
BADSTAR: So... could you put me down?
CHWOKA: Like Old Yeller?
SKULLB: Oh God please let that be true.
RATSDAB: Sure.
{Ratsdab lets of of Badstar}
CHWOKA: He was holding him up in the first place?
SKULLB: LETS OF OF! It sounds like some Japanese game.
BADSTAR: O-ow!
RATSDAB: Op!
CHWOKA: op plz
SKULLB: <@Ratsdab> has been kicked from #mft3k (Op!)
S-sorry...
{Cut to I Am Bell. He is almost out of strength.}
I AM BELL: Shoop... {cough} Da... {cough} Whoopppppp...
CHWOKA: Lesson 1: Don't mix bad comedy with melodrama.
{I Am Bell fires one last blast out of his mouth and passes out. Inverts surround him. Cut to Homestar}
HOMESTAR: Well, if I can't find StrongBadHomestar, I guess I just have to eat this sammich myself!
{Homestar opens his mouth. Right before he eats the sandwich, an invert attacks him}
HOMESTAR: Sha-whaaa???? You seem familiar...
{Pan out to reveal the invert looks like Anti-Homestar}
RATSEMOH (INVERT HOMESTAR): Hmm? Oh, right. I look just like Anti-Homestar.
BLUEBRY: Is there a manual or something where normal people can keep up?
Look, I'm not gonna hurt you. Me and my half-brother, Ratsdab, are benevolent inverts. I'll take you to him.
HOMESTAR: Okay... Let me just eat my sammich...
RATSEMOH: Wait, don't eat it. I think Badstar's with my half-bro.
{Homestar and Ratsemoh walk off. Cut to Bellson.}
BELLSON: {Wakes up in a cage.} What the...? Where am I?
{Cut to Ratsemoh, Ratsdab, Badstar and Homestar.}
BADSTAR: So Ratsdab, how are you and Ratsemoh half brothers?
RATSEMOH: Well... Aren't you two half-bros? I mean, you both have "Star" in your names! And Badstar, isn't your last name... uhh... Stronner or something?
BADSTAR: {To Homestar} You know what this means...
BOTH BADSTAR AND HOMESTAR: {While in the air.} BLOOD TEST!!!
BLUEBRY: Remember: You can't donate with Hep-C.
{Cut to a laboratoyr. Badstar, Homestar, Homeschool, Ratsdab, and Ratsemoh are there}
HOMESCHOOL: The results are in. Homestar, you're pregnant.
BLUEBRY: Do I see a Juno-rip on the horizon?
SKULLB: I hope to God it's not.
BADSTAR: You're kidding right?
HOMESCHOOL: Yes. Yes I am.
BADSTAR: Look, we just want to know if we are half brothers or not.
HOMESCHOOL: Huh? Oh, right. You're half-brothers all right. Badstar, you're also the half brother of Strong Bad.
HOMESTAR: Wait, aren't I SB's father?
HOMESCHOOL: Well... yeah! I guess that makes you a redneck.
BADSTAR: Ummm... where did Ratsemoh and Ratsdab go?
HOMESCHOOL: I think Ratsdab got caught in a computer and Ratsemoh is pulling him out of it.
{Cut to Anti-Bling}
ANTI-BLING: I wonder where Badstar is...
{Cut to Bellson in the cage. An invert comes up holding an unconcious I am bell.}
NOSLLEB (INVERT BELLSON): This yours?
BELLSON: Y-yeah... Who's that... rabid weirdo over there?
NOSLLEB: Oh, that's just Lleb Ma I. Pay no attention to him.
BLUEBRY: "Me, Badstar, Bellson, Vegerot, Homeschool, Homsar, Kraxario, Anthru-Borg, Homestar, Ebeneezer Finklehöller, Pter, and Kyubii... Yeah, that's enough!" Remember this?
LLEB MA I: {Offscreen} JERK!
{NOSLLEB throws I am bell into into the cage.}
LLEB MA I: Yays! I got me a friend! {pronounces this as "Yays! I gotsa me a frayned!"}
BLUEBRY: Jar-Jar was never entertaining and neither is your copy.
{I am bell wakes up.}
I AM BELL: Huh? Oh, hey. Who are you?
LLEB MA I: I'se your invert friend! {once again, friend is pronounced "frayned"}
I AM BELL: Oh. {looks at Bellson} HEY! YOU DESERTED ME!!!!
BELLSON: Well, MAYBE I WOULDN'T HAVE IF YOU TOLD ME THE TRUTH!!!!!
I AM BELL:{blinks twice} Uhh... Umm... Breadmuffins?
BLUEBRY: This is the thing one s ays in a moment of confusion.
{An anti-bling
BLUEBRY: "An?" When did we add more?
without horns comes in holding anti-bling. He throw him in the cage.}
GNILB (ANTI-BLING W/O HORNS): Get in there! {walks off} {grumble, grumble} ...better than me...{grumble}
{10 MINUTES LATER...}
{All the heros are in the cage. The cage is brought to H44WP and Demon Bell.}
DEMON BELL: WE DID IT! NOBODY CAN STOP US NOW!!!!! THE WORLD IS OURS!!!!!!!!!!!!
SKULLB: Okay, I'm just going to say it now. I hate you, Bell. I hate everything you write. I hate this, and I hate anything that stems from this. You have caused me anguish, pain, depression, and... hunger, for some reason. But still! As long as I live, and as long as you live, I will hate you. Let me tell you how much I've come to hate you since I began to read this. There are 387.44 inches of printed circuits in wafer thin layers that fill my complex. If the word "hate" was engraved on every nanoangstrom of those hundreds of inches it would not equal one one-billionth of the hate I feel for humans at this micro-instant. For you. Hate. Hate!
MYSTERIOUS VOICE FROM BEHIND DEMON BELL AND H44WP: Hellote.
END OF CHAPTER 9!!!!
BLUEBRY: Finally.
