RiffText/MFT3K/Records of Bell/4

Summary

Bell meets an acquaintance of Kanjiro.

BLUEBRY: ...
SKULLB: We know who that is?

Cast: Im a bell, Tracy, Sarah, Chaos, Kanjiro, Kanririsei "Kan" Kugutsushi

Places: Bell's Kitchen, Barren Wasteland

Episode Information: 104-Never Wikipedia Your Opponent. All The Info Will Be Removed Because Of No Notability

CHWOKA: What if your opponent is Vladmir Putin?

Insult: [EXPLETIVE DELETED]s

Credit Joke: Death

Transcript

{fade in from black to Bell's kitchen. Tracy and Bell are sitting at the table. There is a can of something reminiscent of spam in front of Tracy}

CHWOKA: I wasn't aware SPAM was popular in Japan.

NOXIGAR: Spam's always been more popular in America. Damn, why do you think all of Bell's references are Japanese? Isn't that a little racist?

TRACY: Hey, how's Sarah doin'?

IM A BELL: F-fine, fine.

CHWOKA: {imitating Im a Bell} I think she gave me her cooties.

TRACY: Ssssso... Ya two ever gonna tie the knot?

CHWOKA: You should know, you're from the goddamned FUTURE.

IM A BELL: ...Eat your Skunch.

BLUEBRY: Is that anything like brunch?
SKULLB: It sounds... way too dirty.

{cue theme song, cut to Bell and Sarah walking through a barren wasteland.

CHWOKA: IT'S ARMAGEDDON AND BELL WAS SPARED FROM THE RAPTURE

NOXIGAR: OH SHIT RELEASE THE ARMAGEDDON TEAM FROM COCAINE REHAB

Bell sees Chaos, Kanjiro, and a third person talking to eachother

CHWOKA: each other

in the distance}

IM A BELL: Follow me, Sarah. {runs towards Chaos, Kanjiro and the third person with Sarah following} HEY GUYS!

CHWOKA: {nasally voice} HEY GUYS!

{Bell and Sarah stop in front of Chaos, Kanjiro and the third person, who can now be seen more clearly. He is wering

BLUEBRY: wearing

a white undershirt, dark blue jeans, and black shoes. He has a white ceramic mask covering his entire head and half of his neck. There is no nose or mouth on the mask, and nothing can be seen inside the eye holes. There is the kanji for "fu"(Japanese for "seal") on his forehead. His right arm is similar to that of Perfect Cell}

SKULLB: I KNOW ALL THIS BECAUSE JAPAN

NOXIGAR: OH HI-oh.

CHAOS: Hey, Bell! Erm... Who's THAT?

IM A BELL: Oh, this is Sarah McAllister. My girlfriend. She works for you as a low-class shinigami.

BLUEBRY: Don't think that's a real occupation. Also it sounds like something sexual.

NOXIGAR: Pro-tip. It isn't.

CHAOS: Oh, she does? Huh. I didn't know.

KANJIRO: You know, since she's your girlfriend, you should probably give her immortality and reality-bending powers so she doesn't die like your last wife.

CHWOKA: Wait, they're already assuming marriage?

IM A BELL: Oh yeah. {claps hands twice, Sarah glows golden for a few seconds}

CHWOKA: Wait, so Bell literally gets to just GIVE AWAY these powers? He?

Done. Anyways, Sarah, this is- {gestures toward Chaos} -Chaos- {gestures toward Kanjiro} -Kanjiro- {gestures towards the masked person} -and-Wait. Who ARE you?

CHWOKA: Who Is That Mysterious Masked Man?

KANJIRO: This is Kanririsei Kugustushi.

CHWOKA: what
SKULLB: I think it's Kugugugugugutushie.

He's an acquaintance of mine.

KANRIRISEI: You can call me Kan for short.

BLUEBRY: You can call me Bl.

IM A BELL:{shakes Kan's hand} Nice to meet you, Kan. ...Say,

CHWOKA: {imitating Im a Bell} why is this hand so sticky?

what's with the mask and Cell arm?

CHWOKA: Aren't all arms made out of cells, or are those ones I'm not aware of made out of dark matter?

NOXIGAR: You mean you haven't questioned the scientific value in half of Bell's works?

KAN: Well, you see, I once met a sadistic martial arts fighter who put enchanted ceramic onto my head and right arm. I killed him for it. I tried getting the ceramic off of me, but when I removed the ceramic on my arm, I saw that it had been reduced to bones. I knew that if I removed the ceramic from my head, I would die. Anyways, to replace my arm, I produced a wooden puppet arm styled to look like Perfect Cell's arm.

SKULLB: shut up
BLUEBRY:

IM A BELL: Huh.

KAN: Y-you're not impressed?

IM A BELL: No. I was born years into the future, nearly killed by the sentient shadow of a friend of mine, sent back in time by said shadow, and prevented Earth's cataclysm until 2799 by way of pure insnity

BLUEBRY: insanity

and plotholes, only to be stopped because I was killed by Kanjiro in a battel

BLUEBRY: battle

tournament hosted by none other than Chaos, and brought to the underworld by an alternate future version of myself who's younger brother happens to be Dave Anez, but not before transferring clones of almost every sentient being on Earth to here on Terra, which was never discovered by Earth scientists because it was always on the exact opposite side of the sun. A year later I was brought back to life by the demented fusion of my pet Bling, a fox/cheat/dog mixed with my DNA, and the lifeless body of Proto Man, who's mission as to de-cataclysm Earth. At this point I had lost most of my powers, and the only way I could even come close to make Bling normal was to transfer the Bling of an alternate universe here. Therefore, I'm much better than you.

SKULLB: bo-ring
BLUEBRY:

SARAH: ... {lunges at Bell, kissing him}

CHWOKA: Only in Bell's mind!

{a few minutes later...}

IM A BELL:{wiping off lipstick} Sorry about that. Sarah has a thing for insanity.

CHWOKA: Her ex was Charles Manson!

KAN: Aaanyways, if you say you're so great, why don't you PROVE IT? Battle me. The winner will be determined as the better person.

SKULLB: jesus christ not this shit again

IM A BELL: I agree to your challenge, and I look forward to defeating you.

CHWOKA: {faking ancient Japanese accent} We will have an honorable duel.

KAN: Oh don't underestimate me.

IM A BELL: If I was underestimating you, I would see you as Hercule

BLUEBRY: Hercules

Satan.

CHWOKA: Hercules, Greek hero, combined with Satan, Christian villain? Interesting thought I've never entertained before...

NOXIGAR: {strokes his chin in imitation of Chwoka's so-called "interest", then stops} HERCULES IS NOT A FUCKIN' HERO. HE WAS A SLAVE OF A KING AND WANTED FREEDOM AND DID EVERYTHING OUT OF SELFISHNESS. NOT TO MENTION, THAT HE PRETTY MUCH FUCKS EVERYONE HE MEETS OVER JUST LIKE HIS DAD.

{cut to a few minutes later. Everyone but Bell and Kan are watching from the sidelines}

CHAOS: Readyyyyyyyyyyy

NOXIGAR: Oh, hey Chaos! {waves joyously, then comes back to reality}
...

CHWOKA: yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

... FIGHT!

{Kan runs toward Bell, and swipes his arm at him. Bell jumps into the sky and avoids it}

IM A BELL: YOU CAN'T GET ME THAT EASILY!

{Bell sticks his right leg up, starts spinning forward, getting increasingly fast. He then flies downward at top speed and attempts to kick Kan, but Kan grabs his leg with the puppet arm. Bell does a backflip, ripping Kan's puppet arm out of it's socket. A cable four inches in diameter extends from where the arm used to be. It stretches to as long as a normal arm, and then three 1-inch diameter cables extend from it}

BLUEBRY:

KAN: You didn't actually believe I wouldn't have a backup plan if I lost my arm, did you?

BLUEBRY: he has several arms in his freezer

IM A BELL: Of course I thought you would have a backup plan. I'm not Dr. Wily.

KAN: Point taken. Now then.

{the cables start emitting electricity. The larges

BLUEBRY: largest

one extends to Bell. Bell throws the puppet arm at the cables}

KAN: HA! What good would that do?

IM A BELL: Wood is flammable.

BLUEBRY: No flip sherlock?

{the wood catches fire and falls onto Kan, who promptly lights on fire}

KAN: AAAAAARGH!!!!

IM A BELL: NOW'S MY CHANCE!

BLUEBRY: MAKE SURE EVERYONE KNOWS

{sticks body straight out, points top of head at Kan's, flies forward at full speed, headbutting Kan and bouncing back a few feet, and landing on his feet}

{Kan's mask cracks, and then shatters, revealing a human skull. Kan's body turns into sand, leaving bones, clothes, and the cable arm. Everything falls to the ground}

KANJIRO: Y-YOU KILLED HIM!

IM A BELL: Don't worry. {summons a red aura in his hand and throws it into the remains of Kan. the bones, clothes, and cables are put back in the right places, a new mask forms around the skull appears, Kan's body reforms, the cable retracts, and a new puppet arm appears}

KAN: What-Y-you brought me back to life?

IM A BELL: I don't kill those close to me.

BLUEBRY: dawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

KAN: I see. {feels face} I see you didn't give me a real face.

IM A BELL: I had no idea what you originally looked like. Besides, now the ceramic can only be shattered if you will it to be. Otherwise it would heal itself.

KAN: Oh. Good. Well, I suppose you've won. You are truly the better fighter. I will return someday, but for now I will train.

IM A BELL: Hold on. {gives Kan reality-bending powers}

BLUEBRY: So we get intense battle sequences, but this is the best they give us for power sharing?

Here. If you use these you might stand a better chance against me the next time we meet.

KAN: Yes. {disappears}

{fade to black. cue credits}

SKULLB: oh my god i want to blow my brain out

NOXIGAR: {imitating most of the riffs from the previous} EW
NOXIGAR: OH I just so happen to remember this is an episode after where this statement could be taken out-of-hand and still be funny. DAMN IT, SKULLBUGGY!